not sure where to go from here

[biggreenjellybean]

As with so many people, this is all a bit new for me but wanted honest truth about what people think.

 

I've been married for just over 4 years. We were young, he was 19 i was 23 when we got married. No children, and we lived in 4 'homes' since getting married.

 

We used to live and work together, along with 20 other people. during our 2nd year of marriage i started finding things difficult. I was attracted to him the same way i used to be. Was generally tired and a little stressed. We decide this maybe wasnt the best environment to be in so left and tired to start a fresh.

 

We both found work, and i enjoyed working with new people. We were then both offered work by the same company and have ended up back working together since august last year.

 

I still struggle. I find i am cleaning up after my husband at work and at home. He sits and plays his xbox whilst i'm trying to get fit and lose some weight and carry out all house chores. I was also starting to suffer from depression. About a month ago he found some messages on my phone from another man. It wasn't anything too graphic, it was someone who i had started running with you just made me feel good. We had kissed a few times, but knew it was a mistake.

 

My H and i decide to move on a forget it happened. we tried to patch things up and I stop messaging him and unfortunately my health got worse and i ended up in hospital. The OM found out and messaged me out of concern. and so start messaging again. My H found out again and we argued. At this point he admitted that he had been watching porn over the last 6 months.

 

I know what i did was wrong. But i feel all my H wanted me for was sex when he wanted it. There have been occasions in the past where it has been fairly forceful. The OM i'd know for over a year and just showed an genuine interest in me and my hobbies and made me feel like he cared.

 

My H still tells me he loves me, but i'm not in anyway attracted to him. I do and have shied away from his touch. We are currently in separate beds, but still working together for the moment. I just have no idea where to go from here. I feel completed trapped, stay in a loveless marriage where i dread my husband touching me, or crush him, our family and friends by looking to seperate?

 

Any advice would be appreciated