Intheweeds Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 Hello all, I am brand new to this forum. Like many, I 've joined because my marriage has seen better days. My wife and I have been married for three and a half years and we have a 16month old daughter. I am active duty military and currently deployed. We made the decision that I would leave the military and we would settle in Ohio where we are both originally from and have family there. We bought a brand new house before I left and she moved shortly after my deployment began. She was sure to send me off with plenty of photos and letters, and we are able to video chat almost every day. She has always been very affectionate to me. After her move, she was constantly surprising me with new improvements and furniture for the house. We were sharing the experience as best as we could. She had also become close with my sister who lives nearby. After the holidays, my wife went to visit a friend of hers in Florida for a few weeks. Her friend is divorced with two sons. Her ex wasn't really a nice guy and the divorce was pretty ugly. I noticed during and after my wife's visit that the had become a little distant. Her family noticed the same thing. I know she had asked my sister a favor and my sister unexplainedly snapped at her, which hurt her feelings. We still talked often, but I noticed I was the one who suddenly always said "I love you" first, which was unusual. She made plans to visit her friend in again and the night she arrived, she tells me that she was no longer "in it" and was thinking about taking our daughter and moving in with her friend in Florida. She tells me that she has thought it through and has been unhappy for a while. The woman surprising me with new furniture for our new home a month earlier certainly didn't seem like a woman wanting out of her marriage. I am have been unsupportive at times and am willing to fix that but she doesn't seem receptive to want to. I don't understand how we have gotten to such extremes as her wanting to raise our daughter out of state from me. I honestly thought I had a wonderful new life to come home to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Intheweeds Posted April 3, 2014 Author Share Posted April 3, 2014 I suppose the reason I haven't gotten any advice or responses is due to the fact that I didn't actually ask any questions. I think she may be suffering from depression. I've been away and the move was a big life change. Could her divorced friend really have had that much influence over her? Any wisdom on the best approach to try and get her to open up? Another detail I forgot to mention earlier is that she said she wanted to feel more independent. She has never had to work, though she took advantage of a training program for military spouses she never really pursued employment after or has shown much interest in working. Now she suddenly wants to work and be on her own. It's such a drastic departure from the woman I knew just a short time ago. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted April 3, 2014 Share Posted April 3, 2014 I would suggest you two get to counselling. Sounds like your wife is figuring out there are things she thought she didn't want to do, but actually wants to do them. You need to talk openly about what she wants and listen well. She might feel like she's been put into a marriage life that she or you pictured in your head, but real life is telling her she's like to make some changes to it. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Intheweeds Posted April 5, 2014 Author Share Posted April 5, 2014 Thanks for the input. I believe she is on board with counseling, but I don't think her outlook on it making a difference is high. We are still talking and communicating almost daily, though she is less forthcoming than she used to be. I'm going to a marriage seminar while on the deployment and she knows I'm going. Counseling won't be possible for another two months when I'm back home. I'm sending her notes and gifts to let her know I'm thinking of her. I feel like this is the best I can do at this point being on the other side of the world. I could get a friend or family member to try and talk to her, but I'm afraid she will push them away as well. Link to post Share on other sites
bv120 Posted April 5, 2014 Share Posted April 5, 2014 (edited) Could her divorced friend really have had that much influence over her? I'm convinced she could have. She's discovered a new, acceptable option, divorce. She's either considering it now, or has already decided on one. Don't underestimate the strength of peer influence. During my first marriage I had lunch with a GF that was separated and in the process of divorcing her husband. Of course all we talked about at lunch was her divorce. I promise you on my drive back to the office I started thinking seriously about perhaps I should get a divorce too. It had never really entered my mind previously. Yes I had lost my feelings for my then husband but I had never thought the situation was serious enough to justify a divorce. Two weeks later I had my D talk with the H, he moved out, and we divorced. I have no doubt the visits with the divorced GF have impacted your wife. One thing for certain. she takes your daughter and moves in with the GF your divorce will follow quickly. bv Edited April 5, 2014 by bv120 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Intheweeds Posted April 11, 2014 Author Share Posted April 11, 2014 Well, a week trip to see her friend has become nearly four weeks. She tells me she doesn't know when she's coming back and she's had job interviews there. She says she doesn't plan to commit to anything yet; just looking at all of her options. I've been in touch with her family and they are as hurt and confused by her actions as I am. To her sisters, it seems as if she has made an impulsive decision as well. I would expect her to confide in them to enough of a point it wouldn't be as much of a surprise to them. How often does this happen? Is it normal for a woman to seclude herself from all of those who love her in a situation like this or is it more likely some sort of mood disorder is driving her right now? Link to post Share on other sites
nohardfelines Posted April 12, 2014 Share Posted April 12, 2014 (edited) Trying to understand her at this point in time is going to be an exercise in futility. My stbxw is a completely different person now that we are separated. Like you, my in-laws are completely baffled and don't understand why my wife's making the moves that she's making. The only one who knows the why is her, and you can bet that getting her to be forthcoming about her motivations is going to be nigh impossible. My wife had already begun seeing someone else before we decided to separate, so I hope my situation is different from yours, for your sake. Is there a possibility that she's begun seeing someone in Florida? I only ask because the signs seem to be there. My wife became distant and uncommunicative, stopped being the one to say 'I love you,' and there were plenty of trips away which later on turned out to be clandestine meetups with the OM. Our relationship deteriorated significantly once I found out, which was after we decided to separate. Though I was able to let it go, seeing as how we were already split, ruining her plans with the OM has made her spiteful and depressed. She also has cut off most if not all contact with her own family. I think the guilt is driving that particular decision, but again I have no way of knowing seeing as how she refuses to discuss it. I really hope that's not the case, but I'd be a little more suspicious if I were you. Best of luck. Edited April 12, 2014 by nohardfelines Link to post Share on other sites
Author Intheweeds Posted April 13, 2014 Author Share Posted April 13, 2014 Thanks nohardfelines. I'm sure you're right when it comes to trying to understand. I'm working on expending less energy on it. It could be a possibility there may be someone else. I really don't know anymore. Asking the question isn't easy. I wish you the best in your situation as well. Link to post Share on other sites
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