Inconsiderate in the Bedroom

[tempworker]

I've only posted once before, so please bear with me if there is a lot of back story in here.

 

I've been with my wife for four years and we've been married for almost 2 years. Things have been very rocky for the past 8 months, especially since October when I was diagnosed with ADHD and depression. The whole time I acted very selfishly and with no concern for the wants or needs of others. My psychiatrist put me on a mood stabilizer to help even out my moods. It worked, but I lost all interest in my life and everything around me - including my wife. I cut back on the dosage a week ago (with the approval of my physician) and things have improved drastically since then.

 

About a week ago (last Thursday to be precise), my wife asked me to leave for the night to evaluate what I wanted and whether or not I wanted to come back. This was when I fully realized that 1) I wanted to be with her and share the life we had built together, 2) the side effects of the mood stabilizer were impairing my ability to function and enjoy my life, and 3) I had been a selfish inconsiderate person who thought of nobody but himself and his desire to get more 'things'. I came home the next day and talked to her about all of this and we agreed that I needed to make some drastic improvements over the next week or else we should separate.

 

Things were rocky at first, but they became easier as I realized that I had set up mental blocks making myself believe that it was difficult for me to be a good person and a good husband. I've found it much easier to show her how much I care and easier to be kind to her and others and take other people into account.

 

Over the past 4 months or so, our sex life has been close to nonexistent. I didn't have any sex drive (it has come back somewhat since I cut my dosage on the mood stabilizer), and whenever we did have sex, I was very awkward and distant - which echoes how I felt on a daily basis.

 

Last night, my wife and I tried to have sex for the first time in close to a month. She let me know that she wanted to have sex before we went to bed, and I warned her that I was tired, but not that tired. The only stipulation was that we had to try new things instead of the same old routine.

 

With a little tender coaching, I broke out of my routine and we began fore play. During fore play, I ejaculated. Initially, I felt bad about this but I realized that there were still things that I could do for her and that there was still an exceptionally good chance that we could still have sex. But after I ejaculated, I immediately dropped into my old habits.

 

This turned her off. She viewed it as me not caring about her or her needs once I got what I wanted from the situation. We talked about it for a while, but at some point I fell asleep without even realizing that it was happening. Certainly, if I had known I was about to fall asleep, I would have warned her!

 

I woke up a bit later as my wife finished saying something to me, and an argument started. She viewed the evening as typical behavior from me and when I told her that I didn't want to fall asleep while we were talking and that I didn't even know that I had fallen asleep she got really upset and told me to stop lying to her. From this point on, everything that I said to her only made her more upset with me. All that I wanted to do was make things better, but I wasn't able to. I realized that I was only putting my foot in my mouth over and over again, so I explained to her that was how I felt and that I didn't know what to do from there.

 

I laid in bed for a while, thinking about everything that had happened. I came to the realization that unless I'm working very hard at it, I am a selfish lover. Sure, some things last night were not because I'm inconsiderate (being tired is certainly not being inconsiderate, nor is trying to communicate that), but some things were.

 

But I don't know where to go from here, and I don't know where to start looking to make changes. I know that, once she cools down some, I can talk to my wife about things, but I would also like to do some of this on my own and make changes myself, for myself - because it's something that I want, not just something that I know she wants.

[Ladyjane14]

You are really beating yourself up here.

 

This is probably more to do with your meds than anything else. It sometimes takes awhile to find the right anti-depressant. Some have more sexual side-effects than others. Talk to your doctor about it.

 

In the meantime, talk with your wife about the effects of the medication, not only on your mood, but also on your body. Bring her into your inner-circle as far as sharing information is concerned.

 

Take some of the pressure off yourself by realizing that this is all a process, and it takes time.....and it takes patience. You will lose confidence in yourself by internalizing these small set-backs.

 

Relationship building is a "drop in the bucket" everyday. It's not a wave of the magic wand. So be as kind and patient with each other, and also with yourselves.

 

[tempworker]

I do have a habit of beating myself up about things. I've been struggling to learn how to properly deal with setbacks for a long time.

 

Some of it might have to do with the medication, and I'm sure some of it has to do with the depression. My wife is very familiar with the effects of depression on people - having experienced it herself as well as this being the third, and by far the worst, bout of depression I've experienced since we've been together.

 

But I think that the main reason I'm beating myself up about this is that things have been so bad, and while I've been able to make improvements in how things are on a day to day basis (and I think I've done a very good job of turning things around in the past 10 days), this is the first time we've tried anything in the bedroom since I came back last week.

[Beth]

In your first post my initial thought was that your wife does not understand what depression is and how it works, but you later said that she is familiar with it. Have you two been to counseling as a couple?

 

Something else that caught my attention in your post was the very short time-frame in which you both expected 'drastic' results. That is not realistic and for both of you to set your expectations on such profound short-term goals is probably going to lead to more problems and feelings of failure.

 

Treating serious depression takes time and effort and realistic expectations, and a treatment plan to which you both can adhere. You need to be aware of your individual and unique pressure points and know how to handle them. Do you have a good counselor that you are comfortable with and trust? Are you still seeing your psychiatrist? Does your wife also see him/her?

 

Patience is important and knowing how to be rational, or reach rationality, even amidst emotional turmoil. Someone who knows you and is familiar with you and your wife should be able to help you create a treatment plan that you both can follow.

 

Suggestions and advice from friends and family, and people on an Internet board, may give you some new things to think about and talk with your doctor and each other about, but we can't give you real answers for specific issues - like sex.

 

Communication and commitment is very important in all aspects of your life - especially in the bedroom. Don't try to do too much at one time. My husband suffers from depression and some other issues and those issues are magnified when it comes to sex and love and affection. That is where the culmination of unrealistic expectations occurs for many people. Its like a finish line for a race - if we can achieve our expectations there then we have succeeded in everything. But that's not how it works and sex is only one part of the relationship. Testing to see if you have been successful with depression by having sex is a trap many people fall into, and many fail to 'pass the self-imposed 'test'.

 

I really do recommend that you talk with your doctor and get both of you into counseling. You have to work through the depression and learn how to handle it for YOU first and then your wife. Just changing your behavior for her is only a mask for your own mental and emotional health and does not address the real issue.

 

Good luck.

[tempworker]

At the moment, I am not seeing a psychiatrist. My physician is handling my medication until I find a full-time psychiatrist to handle my prescriptions. I am seeing a psychologist, I just started two weeks ago, and I plan on asking my wife to come to my next session. I trust him and find him very easy to work with, he's much better (in my opinion) that past psychiatrists or psychologists.

 

My wife and I just spoke, and she is incredibly angry with me. I guess that I yawned several times last night (this was around 3 in the morning) and made a comment that I was yawning because there wasn't enough blood in my brain (har har). She is incredibly angry about everything that happened and told me how it made her feel - that she is unattractive and not worth staying awake for. She sees this whole thing as another sign that I don't love her anymore.

 

I think you've raised a very valid point, Beth - that we both seem to have very unrealistic expectations. Things have been bad for so long that we want everything to get better immediately. Rationally, that isn't possible, but we both want things to improve so much that we get blinded to the reality of things.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by tempworker

She is incredibly angry about everything that happened and told me how it made her feel - that she is unattractive and not worth staying awake for. She sees this whole thing as another sign that I don't love her anymore.

 

Sounds like the problem is more HER depression than yours. Does she accept any responsibility in your marriage?

[tempworker]

Originally posted by HokeyReligions

Sounds like the problem is more HER depression than yours. Does she accept any responsibility in your marriage?

 

At this point, I'm not sure. If she does accept responsibility for things, it's being occluded by her anger and frustration with me and by my feelings of guilt. She saw a psychologist once before Christmas, but has not been back. Whenever I ask if she has scheduled another appointment, the question doesn't get answered.

[tempworker]

I admit that I'm not good at making apologies, I'm very awkward with them and I have a hard time admitting to my own faults. I spoke with my wife to try to work things out, and she got more and more upset with me until she was yelling at me and ordered me out of the room.

 

She was insistent that my apologies were nothing but b.s. and lies. She also told me that I had earned last night by showing her how much I do care over the past week and by ruining things last night, I undid everything, that I wouldn't have eventually fallen asleep if I were with someone that I love.

 

Earlier today, I asked her if she would be willing to go to my next counselling session with me, and she told me that I shouldn't have asked her to go to the psychologist with me, I should be able to make these changes on my own, and if I actually cared I should have done things right last night.

[HokeyReligions]

Obviously there is a lot more going on than you are able to post here. YOU are not responsible for her happiness. It sounds like neither of you really understand that. I used to look to my husband for fulfillment and happiness and it was a hard lesson to learn, but I finally 'got it' that I had to take charge of my own feelings and not blame or expect my husband to create my feelings for me. It's a fine distinction, but once I figured it out (with a counselor's help) I was able, after some faulty starts, to cross that line and actually see it. Sometimes I still have to re-center myself and find the line again, but now that I know what to look for I can find it. Others can add or enhance happiness and fulfillment, but they can't create it for another person.

 

Also, if you are apologizing for an action that is one thing, but you can't apologize for her feelings because you don't control them, or she yours. It sounds like she can't accept your apology because she wants an apology for her feelings, not for your actions, and she may be having problems distinguishing between the two.

[Jason 2003]

What kind of meds are you taking for your depression? Most SSRI antidepressents will slow the ejaculatory reflex dramatically. Paxil, Zoloft, Prozac (there a dozens) will all make you last much much longer. In men with normal ejaculatory timing these drugs actually can cause totally inhibited ejaculation. In your case at low doses they should help.

[AlexisHildegard]

I CAN TOTALLY FEEL FOR YOU...WHEN I GET INTO "FUNKS' AS I LIKE TO CALL THEM, I BECOME VERY SELFISH, ALL AROUND....NOT JUST IN THE BEDROOM. MY HUSBAND UNDERSTANDS THAT SOMETIMES IT'S JUST NOT GONNA HAPPEN THAT NIGHT...

 

I KNOW THAT SEX IS NOT YOUR ONLY PROBLEM. BUT HAVE YOU AND YOUR WIFE EVER WATCHED A PORNOGRAPHIC VIDEO?? THEY MAKE SOME REALLY "SEXY" ONES, THAT WON'T MAKE HER FEEL DIRTY, AND SHOULD STILL TURN YOU ON, THAT IS A GOOD METHOD OF FOREPLAY, AND MAYBE WITH YOU PUTTING FORTH THE EFFORT TO BUY THAT TAPE, SHE WOULD REALIZE THAT YOU DO WANT TO FIX THINGS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

 

I DON'T THINK THAT YOU SHOULD BLAME YOURSELF FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED. MARRIAGE IS A TWO SIDED STORY, AND SHE SHOULD UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HAVE DEPRESSION, AND IT'S NOT HER, THAT YOU ARE STILL ATTRACTED TO HER IF YOU ARE...AND THAT YOU STILL LOVE HER, YOU ARE JUST HAVING A HARD TIME LOVING YOURSELF. UNTIL YOU CAN LOVE YOURSELF, YOU CAN NEVER REALLY LOVE ANYONE ELSE.

 

I HOPE THIS GETS BETTER FOR YOU.

 

A

[tempworker]

Things are slowly getting better. We've been talking more and more and it's getting easier to talk and share things with her. It's been a rocky road and there have been a lot of bumps on the way. But I think that things are on the way up.