Living in hell

[livinginhell]

Sorry in advance because this is going to be long but I don’t know what to do anymore, it feels like my life is pointless at this moment and I could use some good advice.

Basically the problem is that 2 years ago I had an affair with one of the teachers of our older son. My son found out around 4 months ago and told his father. Since then I am living in hell.

My husband and my children do not talk to me if it is not strictly necessary, if I enter a room the three of them get out of the room, if I try to kiss my children or touch them in any way they don’t allow me or tell me how they find me disgusting, etc.

To make it completely worse I have found out that my husband is having an affair with one of our employees, they have not even tried to hide it and when I confronted him about it he told me that the words marriage and monogamy sounded like a joke when they were coming from me, basically he has told me I can choose to stay or to go but he is not going to forgive what I have done and the only respect he has left for me is because I am the mother of his children.

My friends tell me that I should file for divorce but how can I do that if everything I love in this world are my husband and my children? I don’t have any other family and I don’t have studies or capacity to work in anything that is not taking care of our family.

I know that what I have done is terrible, I don’t know what possessed me to have an affair with a man who is the half of a man that my husband is. I see how much I have damaged my family and I don’t know what I can do to fix it. Please help me and be gentle. I know what I have done is terrible, I know how bad my husband and my children are suffering and that is a big part of my pain too but I can’t erase the past the only thing I can do is to work in a future. How do I convince my husband and children to give me a second chance?

[Bryanp]

This is really a horrible mess. Surely you must have realized having an affair with your son's teacher made it extremely risky and the chances were great that it would be found out. You stated that you did not know why you engaged in an affair when you say you love your husband and family so much. This is the key. You must go to individual counseling and therapy to understand why you risked everything for nothing. If the OM was married I hope you informed his wife or girlfriend and that you did get tested for STD's.

 

By going to individual counseling it will show your husband that you are really trying. Since for two years your husband who is now engaging in an affair and your children will have nothing to do with you then you really should consider a divorce. Nobody can live like this. I find it interesting that your children will have nothing to do with you but they seem to accept your husband's affair. This does not make sense. I wish you luck.

[livinginhell]

This is really a horrible mess. Surely you must have realized having an affair with your son's teacher made it extremely risky and the chances were great that it would be found out. You stated that you did not know why you engaged in an affair when you say you love your husband and family so much. This is the key. You must go to individual counseling and therapy to understand why you risked everything for nothing. If the OM was married I hope you informed his wife or girlfriend and that you did get tested for STD's.

 

By going to individual counseling it will show your husband that you are really trying. Since for two years your husband who is now engaging in an affair and your children will have nothing to do with you then you really should consider a divorce. Nobody can live like this. I find it interesting that your children will have nothing to do with you but they seem to accept your husband's affair. This does not make sense. I wish you luck.

 

Thank you Bryan, it is really a mess! I have been going to counseling for the last two months and I have tried to convince my husband to come with me to marriage counseling as well but he won't show up every time I make an appointment.

I don't think my children are taking any good the affair of their father either but I guess they see it as being my fault too as I was the initiator of all this mess.

My counselor thinks I cheated on my husband because I was jealous of him, he has always been the popular guy, everyone in town loves him, even our children adore him and always side with him even when it is me the one who has been always at home and taken care of them. My husband was my first boyfriend and I never had any sexual contact with other people so I guess my jealousy together with the curiosity about how sex would feel with someone else were the reasons why I had the affair. It can make sense when it is told like that but still I can't understand how I could risk all what I have for that, the lat 17 years of my life have been wonderful because he was always there and took care for me and now he seems a totally different person, I never thought he could be so cold and cruel.

 

OM is single and I have been tested for STD's and I am clean.

[Buckeye2]

You have received some good advice already but more information would be helpful.

 

How old are your children? How long did your affair last and why did it end? When did your husband’s affair start (i.e. was it a revenge affair)? What is your culture?

[thummper]

Living, I am so sorry you're going through this! I can understand your husband's anger, but that is NO excuse for him having an affair of his own. Do you know why you cheated with the teacher? Was your husband ignoring you? Had your sex life gone stale? Were you seeking validation from another man who could make you feel pretty and desirable? Was it short term, or did it go on for awhile? Did you stop before your son found out about it, or only after your husband was told? More information would be helpful. There are many wonderful people here who may be able to advise you, but I think we need a bigger picture of your situation. From what little you've said, the future doesn't look good. I wish you well, believe me I do.

[fellini]

Sounds like you HAD an affair and at some point long ago, and ended it? Or did it start 2 years ago and has been going on until 4 months ago when your son discovered? Id say the difference is crucial.

 

Your husband has to own his own behaviour. It has nothing to do with your affair. If he is doing the "maid", then he needs more help than doing the teacher, in my book. And if he thinks he is entitled, he is not.

 

You are their mother. Marriage / Divorce NEVER change that. M/D are what happens between you and your H. So your role as their mother cannot be undone by a divorce. Made problematic, yes, but living under the same roof as while you H is screwing the help is more problematic.

 

Your H obviously thinks he has the upper hand, which is only true if you allow him to think that, and if you allow yourself to think that.

 

If you have given up your A, come back to the marital home years ago, and now are in this mess, I think you should not allow him to treat you like this, show some dignity, and ask HIM for a divorce since he seems to feel his needs can be met by the paid help.

 

Once you start to show strength, position, assertion, EITHER he will wake up to what he is PLAYING WITH, or he will meet your demands. Either way, you move from this horrific limbo of two BS's emotionally smacking each other around trying to see who can be the biggest victim.

 

Start to live a life where you put your affair behind you (as I assume you have) and do what a decent person would do. See if that brings him around to do the same. If not, he isn't worth the trouble.

 

 

Sorry in advance because this is going to be long but I don’t know what to do anymore, it feels like my life is pointless at this moment and I could use some good advice.

Basically the problem is that 2 years ago I had an affair with one of the teachers of our older son. My son found out around 4 months ago and told his father. Since then I am living in hell.

My husband and my children do not talk to me if it is not strictly necessary, if I enter a room the three of them get out of the room, if I try to kiss my children or touch them in any way they don’t allow me or tell me how they find me disgusting, etc.

To make it completely worse I have found out that my husband is having an affair with one of our employees, they have not even tried to hide it and when I confronted him about it he told me that the words marriage and monogamy sounded like a joke when they were coming from me, basically he has told me I can choose to stay or to go but he is not going to forgive what I have done and the only respect he has left for me is because I am the mother of his children.

My friends tell me that I should file for divorce but how can I do that if everything I love in this world are my husband and my children? I don’t have any other family and I don’t have studies or capacity to work in anything that is not taking care of our family.

I know that what I have done is terrible, I don’t know what possessed me to have an affair with a man who is the half of a man that my husband is. I see how much I have damaged my family and I don’t know what I can do to fix it. Please help me and be gentle. I know what I have done is terrible, I know how bad my husband and my children are suffering and that is a big part of my pain too but I can’t erase the past the only thing I can do is to work in a future. How do I convince my husband and children to give me a second chance?

[fellini]

This would be true if she stayed on with the teacher until she was caught. Maybe she did feel remorseful, or guilty, and ended it shortly after starting it. We don't have that from the OP yet, but it seems everyone is asking.

Funny how people become so remorseful and realize about the pain the other people suffer when they are caught but when they are enjoying the ride do not think about this possible outcomes.

I think the first thing you need to do is to bring your children to counseling as well, you are their mother and they need to learn to forgive you and respect you.

Your husband seems a more difficult case scenario, there are people who actually can't forgive an infidelity and your husband seems to be one of them. I don't know what to advise you but I would suggest you to begin to talk to your lawyer about what are your legal options or to accept to live in that kind of relationship.

[bubbaganoosh]

You are caught between a rock and a hard place and you took a risk and got caught and now the coulda, would, shoulda, comes out after the fact.

 

Your posting here for advice and will get it but be prepared to take your lumps also. I hope you have thick skin.

 

I have a question. How long was the affair going on and if you wouldn't have got caught, would you still be in it and be honest. A lot of people who post a thread with infidelity tell about how their spouse was sorry and remorseful when the affair comes out in the open but only because they were outed.

 

What you did was wrong and no doubt you will pay for it but to be fair, what your husband is doing ain't much better. He could have got his pint of blood and pound of flesh in another way rather than getting into an affair and rubbing your nose in it.

 

If he doesn't want to go to a MC, then go yourself and get yourself squared away.

[KaliLove]

I agree with Bubbaganoosh..you were definitely in the wrong, but the way your husband is handling it is vile and extremely immature. First thing I would do would be to get the entire family into counseling to see if you can sort some of this awful mess out before you decide what you're going to do. This whole thing is intensely unhealthy for your kids.

[excusememister]

Oh goodness - this is an awful mess!

 

However, it is no excuse for your hubby's actions; to have an A with one of the employees; to make it open; to include the kids in this mess - highly inexcusable! Sounds like it was easy for the hubby to do this; makes me wonder if he wasn't doing something all alone. Has his hands been clean this entire marriage? Even if they have been, there is no entitlement on his part.

 

For now counseling is a must for you. Would be great if the family especially kids would join. But, since you are the "lone ranger", think only of you right now - get yourself in a better, healthier mental state. Hold your head up high and accept this it's just "you" for now. If they leave the room when you arrive, let them leave and you do something else. If they leave the dinner table when you arrive, let them leave. Get a book, eat your dinner and then go to your room and cry your eyes out. But let them see the strong, confident women who they know you to be. Love yourself so they can feel sage to express the love that they still have for you. If they see wounded "mom" then they are reminded of the harm that mom has done.

 

I can't imagine the pain of having my children turn against me; I am egregiously sorry for the pain that you are suffering. But, there is NO stronger bond that the bond between a mother and child. I'm sure in no time, one of your children will come around and then the others will follow.

 

I know you are hurting beyond all imaginable; your name says it all (Living in Hell) but let your family see you happy. Let them see that you are working on yourself. People like being around happy people.

 

All the best to you and your family!

[Artie Lang]

i agree with your friends- DIVORCE.

 

your husband has made it perfectly clear that he's not willing to work this out.

 

 

have you at least come totally clean about the affair- offered a timeline of events? are you still hiding things as we speak?

 

 

how did your son find out?

[livinginhell]

Thank you all for your answers.

I am sorry but I can't answer you all individually so I will try to address all the questions in one only post.

My husband was my first boyfriend, I got pregnant at the age of 16 (my husband was then 18) and we married later that year. My husband gave up his studies and with a loan he got from his family we open a business in our town, at the beginning was very difficult and we only survived thanks to the constant support from his family but now it is a very good running business.

Everything in my life has been around my husband and my children, he was always in charge of the business and I was in charge of the house and I actually loved it that way. When I met the teacher of my son and I noticed he had some extra attention for me I was terrified but something in me was also happy that a handsome guy like him would actually give me his attention. My husband had been my only sexual experience till that moment and I guess the curiosity of how it would feel to be with someone else got the best of me and it become and addiction. I never loved this guy, not for a second but the danger and the risk was so exciting that I was not able to stop even when each time when I was returning to my home I was swearing to myself that this time had been the last one.

I would like to be able to say that I stopped the affair but the truth is that it was my son's finding out and the pain that it brought into my family what made me realize how bad I had screwed it up. I always thought that no one would find out and honestly I also thought that my husband would forgive me if he would find out because he had been always understanding and loving to me, the man who sleeps now under my roof is a stranger to me, he is a totally different person from the one I have known the last 17 year and I have made him like that (I feel horrified of what I have done).

Another important point is that my husband is not having an affair with our maid, he has never brought that woman into our house either. She is someone who works in our business.

My children are 16 and 14 and at this moment they don't want to know anything about me and they don't want to know anything about counseling either. They feel very ashamed because everyone in the school knows about my affair and they have come to call me names (always when their father is not at home, he would have never tolerated that).

I hope this clarifies most of your doubts.

[veritas lux mea]

I don't know about jealous of your husband but I have heard feelin. Inferior to a spouse can lead to cheating. Still a choice but a part of the unhealthy mindset. You don't give a lot of info. So like everyone else asked, how long was the affair, how did your son find out an how old are your kids.

 

Your huband is responsible for his own choice to cheat. You haveing a secret affair is wrong. If openly flaunting his affair in front of you and your kids is cruel and wrong. Just because you screwed up doesn't mean you have to accept being treated like crap. That is abuse and no way around it. Abusers often feel justified in their behaviour. So stand up for yourself. Lots of people get cheated on and don't go and have their own affairs. Cheating is not excuse to cheat.

 

The age of your kids will help on that advice. But even so, you are still their mother and parent and they need to treat you with respect.

[KaliLove]

Thank you all for your answers.

I am sorry but I can't answer you all individually so I will try to address all the questions in one only post.

My husband was my first boyfriend, I got pregnant at the age of 16 (my husband was then 18) and we married later that year. My husband gave up his studies and with a loan he got from his family we open a business in our town, at the beginning was very difficult and we only survived thanks to the constant support from his family but now it is a very good running business.

Everything in my life has been around my husband and my children, he was always in charge of the business and I was in charge of the house and I actually loved it that way. When I met the teacher of my son and I noticed he had some extra attention for me I was terrified but something in me was also happy that a handsome guy like him would actually give me his attention. My husband had been my only sexual experience till that moment and I guess the curiosity of how it would feel to be with someone else got the best of me and it become and addiction. I never loved this guy, not for a second but the danger and the risk was so exciting that I was not able to stop even when each time when I was returning to my home I was swearing to myself that this time had been the last one.

I would like to be able to say that I stopped the affair but the truth is that it was my son's finding out and the pain that it brought into my family what made me realize how bad I had screwed it up. I always thought that no one would find out and honestly I also thought that my husband would forgive me if he would find out because he had been always understanding and loving to me, the man who sleeps now under my roof is a stranger to me, he is a totally different person from the one I have known the last 17 year and I have made him like that (I feel horrified of what I have done).

Another important point is that my husband is not having an affair with our maid, he has never brought that woman into our house either. She is someone who works in our business.

My children are 16 and 14 and at this moment they don't want to know anything about me and they don't want to know anything about counseling either. They feel very ashamed because everyone in the school knows about my affair and they have come to call me names (always when their father is not at home, he would have never tolerated that).

I hope this clarifies most of your doubts.

 

Is switching schools an option?

[Buckeye2]

Your family is abusing you but I don’t think they hate you. You hurt them and they are just striking back.

 

I bet they had a very high opinion of you and in a way that makes things worse. Your husband was the only man you ever had sex with and that is very rare now a days. That made him feel very special and that was one of the reasons he treated you special.

 

I always thought that no one would find out and honestly I also thought that my husband would forgive me if he would find out because he had been always understanding and loving to me.

 

Now that’s gone forever. It looks to the town that your husband couldn’t keep you sexually satisfied and from what you wrote that’s true. Your husband’s public affair is an attempt to show everyone that he can satisfy a woman and reclaim his manhood. Are you having sex with your husband?

 

Your children are at a difficult age to be told at school that their mom fu*ked Mr. X the history teacher is very hard for them. Do they have to see the OM at school?

 

The only leverage you have is that you take care of the house and they would probably be lost without you. Do you have another place to stay?

 

I would tell them that what you did was very wrong and you deserve their abuse but only up to a point. I would give them a time limit and keep telling them how sorry you are. Once the time is up (one month or whatever) you will no longer put up with their abuse. You are their mother, you love them and you take care of them and the house.

 

I would tell your husband that you plan to fu*k him to death but if the abuse continues you will move out.

 

DO NOT tell your husband that the AP was just for sex. That can make a BW feel better but not a BH.

[kingofhill]

I would like to point out that since it was one of your kid that found out about your affair, I would encourage you to work really hard to mend your relationship with your children ( not to say that your husband's feeling is not equally important).I've seen here in LS and other forum where children take their mom's betrayal harder than the husband does.

 

It's not my attention to scare you, but I think the story below would describe how a child perceive cheating act of his/her mom or dad. Granted, the situation is quite from different from yours, but the common denominators are still there. I hope moderator is ok if i put a post from other forum here in LS.

 

 

 

my mom cheated on my dad when I was 15...dad, myself, younger bro and sis were out, got home earyl...came in house and heard sounds...I knew what it was, dad told me to take siblings in back yard and play, he ran upstairs...I stupidly stayed put

 

neighbor kid, 18-20 ish came running down half naked being chased by dad, mom was behind him also half naked and SCREAMING at my dad to let him leave...when the saw us, they all stopped and the neighbor left...later parents had a sit down and tried to explain it, but I knew what was going on

 

weeks later, dad sleeping in couch, another sit down to announce the divorce...I overheard them talk and she demanded dad move out...to say I was furious was the understatement of the century

 

My mom came to me, and I got in her face in front of the family and screamed "dirty ****ing *****"...she ran off crying and dad whooped my ass...next time she tried, I did it again, she slapped me this time and dad whooped my ass...I got slapped and spanked alot over the next few months for how I treated my mom...my dad FINALLY told her (i learned from my siblings) that he could NOT hit me anymore, that she made her bed and her relationship with me was between her and me

 

I told her that if she made dad move out, I was going with him or I would run away...to prove it I DID run away, stayed in my friends house for a week...cops were called, everyone looking....I came home on my own and privately told my mom "this is what your life will be like if you make dad move out, YOU LEAVE"...they eventually agreed that she would move out and she got an apartment...my dad came to me one last time to ask me to try and get along with my mom, I told him "mom is dead, she dies when she took her clothes off for the neighbor...that woman is NOT my mom"...my dad NEVER EVER tried to intervene with my relationship with "her" again...siblings continued to and tried to get him to but he couldnt anymore, it was her problem, and mine

 

over the years I ignored "her" and refused any and all interaction...graduation parties, she did NOT come to mine, but came to siblings, I went into neighbors yard and hid until her car left, she never stayed long...

 

she was NOT invited to my wedding, and siblings weddings again I would leave AND took my kids with me, my wife had limited interaction but knew if I EVER found out she had a relationship with "her" or sent "her" pics or info on the kids, Id divorce her...my siblings kept her filled in

 

"She" showed up to my dads funeral "he died of colon cancer" and I made a HUGE scene, told her to get the f out...I felt bad for the first time as it really hurt the siblings

 

"she" never remarried and apparently pined away for my dad, spent the rest of her life trying to get him back, but he was done,,,he had SEEN her with this kid (my dad was a big burly blue collar guy, this neighbor kid moved away shortly after and we never saw him again)

 

we the kids NEVER found out why it happened, or saw ANY problems in the marriage...we to this day have NO idea what happened...my guess is my mom simply was curious and horny...liked the young kids attentions (she was mid 40's)

 

"she" died a month ago...I did NOT go to the funeral and since the kids never knew "her" they didnt either...my wife sent flowers and I just pretended not to know

 

my siblings and I have had a rough month, they are mad at me...they NEVER got to be mad at her, or tell her off, or punish her as they were always trying to comfort her because I kept her put of my life...I was ALL she ever talked about and all she wanted was to renew some kind of relationship, anything...and I flatly refused...my sibs never told me this before as I would NOT allow it, but after "she" died, we had the conversations

 

I have been in counseling since, because I do NOT feel bad at all...I dont feel ANYTHING...and thats not healthy I guess...I am usually a very emotional and loving person, but there was not one second in the past 30+ years where I could even consider forgiving her...she destroyed our family, a VERY CLOSE family...

 

my dad remarried a wonderful women when i was 23...she didnt try to be a mom, well she did to me as I technically didnt have a mom (wouldnt is a better word, I refused contact)...but she was a good friend to my sibs...her and I are still very close, dads been gone for 2 years

[Man Mountain Makino]

If your husband started his relationship with one of the employees after you were exposed, it's possible that he isn't engaging in a revenge affair but rather has checked out of the relationship and is just dating the woman because he finds her attractive and may want to cultivate a long term relationship with her.

 

Sounds to me like he's set on breaking up. Personally, I'd wait for the ink to dry on the divorce first, but I can't blame him for wanting to move on since he sees no future with you.

 

Without more info about that, I can't judge him too harshly. A revenge affair to me is a tit for tat extramarital affair. Sounds to me like he's just dating a woman he likes, especially if he is making to attempt to hide it from anyone.

[No Limit]

Personally I believe your marriage is over. Your husband is already halfway out the exit. I'm sorry.

 

And there's a lot of truth in kingofhill's post. Try to make it up to your kids if you're still able to. I was in an age where I shouldn't even be able to understand what cheating or betrayal means but when a 4-year-old hears her mother cry in a terrible way then that's enough. I haven't seen my father in 12 years, haven't reacted to 2 attempts to contact me and I just hope he'll never return.

 

I have no idea whether he's changed or not and quite frankly I do not care either. But since you're still at your "home", you can still try to make it up. Maybe their hatred/disgust for you will cease in time.

[italianjob]

I'm sorry for what you're going through, but this hell you're living in has been brought on by yourself.

Your husband's current behaviour is surely abusive, but not more so than your own affair.

Having an affair is bad, but the one you had was a vicious one:

1. because of its lenght, by doing the math, it's a 20month long affair. You had plenty of time to think about the fact that your husband and your children were the "only things you loved in the world" as you state in your first post.

2. because you got caught. You didn't end it and you didn't confess, and it was your son who found out (this is really terrible...)

3. because of your choice of AP and environment. In 2 years, did it ever cross your mind that if you got caught it would mean terrible shame for your family and especially your children?

 

I think your husband is not having an affair, he's checked out of the marriage, he wants nothing to do with you. He's probably not divorcing you because he knows you wouldn't have the means to earn a living.

 

I know this came out very harsh, but I think that your situation is very hard to recover. I really don't know what you might do to win back the respect of your beloved ones. If I were you I'd try to find something you can actually do for a living and file for divorce myself, but I understand that you feel you have to be close to your kids to try and recover your relationship with them.

I wish the best for you, sorry for the harsh words.

[oldshirt]

I think your husband said it the way he meant it, you can either stay and live with the current status quo, or you can move on and divorce. It doesn't sound like he has any intention of lifting a finger to reconcile.

 

In order to reconcile both parties must be committed to trying to make it work and he isnt on board at all. I disagree with the previous poster that said he's halfway out the door.....he's all the way out the door.

 

He is letting you stay in the house for the moment so you can take care of the house an d kids while he has fun with his little honey. It's a matter of time before the honey cuts off the supply of poontang untill he kicks you out and when that time comes he will.

 

You choice is to live with the status quo untill he boots you out or you can take matters into your own hand and leave on your terms and file first. Your marriage is dead and There are some significant advantages to determining your own fate and filing first. Please give that some serious consideration.

 

You can't save your marriage but you can save your own future.

 

I do agree with the other posters that a big priority needs to be focusing on your son and getting him and you into counseling and try to repair the damage done between you and him.

[Artie Lang]

although highly inappropriate(name-calling), i can see why your children are so pissed off.

 

not only did you cheat on their father, but your choice in AP- WOW! they must feel totally humiliated.

 

it's gonna take time and A LOT of work on your end for this to get fixed, if it ever does. no real advice, but all i can say is don't give up on them.

hopefully, they'll come around to forgiving you some day.

 

your husband, on the other hand... i just don't see any hope there. as someone already pointed out, it takes TWO people for reconciliation: your husband wants no part of that. i think you can call this a dealbreaker.

Edited March 31, 2014 by Artie Lang

[underwater2010]

Thank you all for your answers.

I am sorry but I can't answer you all individually so I will try to address all the questions in one only post.

My husband was my first boyfriend, I got pregnant at the age of 16 (my husband was then 18) and we married later that year. My husband gave up his studies and with a loan he got from his family we open a business in our town, at the beginning was very difficult and we only survived thanks to the constant support from his family but now it is a very good running business.

Everything in my life has been around my husband and my children, he was always in charge of the business and I was in charge of the house and I actually loved it that way. When I met the teacher of my son and I noticed he had some extra attention for me I was terrified but something in me was also happy that a handsome guy like him would actually give me his attention. My husband had been my only sexual experience till that moment and I guess the curiosity of how it would feel to be with someone else got the best of me and it become and addiction. I never loved this guy, not for a second but the danger and the risk was so exciting that I was not able to stop even when each time when I was returning to my home I was swearing to myself that this time had been the last one.

I would like to be able to say that I stopped the affair but the truth is that it was my son's finding out and the pain that it brought into my family what made me realize how bad I had screwed it up. I always thought that no one would find out and honestly I also thought that my husband would forgive me if he would find out because he had been always understanding and loving to me, the man who sleeps now under my roof is a stranger to me, he is a totally different person from the one I have known the last 17 year and I have made him like that (I feel horrified of what I have done).

Another important point is that my husband is not having an affair with our maid, he has never brought that woman into our house either. She is someone who works in our business.

My children are 16 and 14 and at this moment they don't want to know anything about me and they don't want to know anything about counseling either. They feel very ashamed because everyone in the school knows about my affair and they have come to call me names (always when their father is not at home, he would have never tolerated that).

I hope this clarifies most of your doubts.

If I am understanding correctly....you had a 2 yr affair that ended 4 months ago when your son found out....Right?

[Bryanp]

You figured your husband would forgive you because he is so understanding if you got caught having a sexual affair with your son's teacher and putting your husband at risk for STD's since you didn't even bother using protection. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??????

[troubadour]

Funny how people become so remorseful and realize about the pain the other people suffer when they are caught but when they are enjoying the ride do not think about this possible outcomes.

 

I agree with you and the OP is getting now exactly what she deserves. Having an affair with her son's teacher was simply callous.

[violet1]

You need to get divorced. In fact, secretly make an appointment and get a free consultation from an attorney. Yes, what you did is wrong, but your husband is not handling this in a healthy manner at all. Flaunting around his mistress is not good for your children or you.

 

It's time for you to take control of your life. I suggest you consider relocating. Maybe go back to school? It doesn't sound like your husband is willing to reconcile. You need to start detaching from him. Focus on your kids. Apologize to them, write them nice letters, do things for them. Do NOT let them call you names. You are the mom whether they like it or not. They need to respect you. They don't have to like you, but they do have to show you respect. You had an affair, it does not give them the right to abuse you. It's possible they are feeding off of their dad's behavior. They see him treating you poorly so they think it's okay. Make appointments for each of them to see a therapist. They're embarrassed! I'm sure the other kids in the school aren't making it easy on them.

 

The more I think about it, divorce really is the only option in your situation. Your husband will most likely not file because he won't want to deal with splitting everything with you 50/50. Sounds like he'd rather throw the mistress in your face and punish you. Again, this is not healthy for you or your children.

 

Filing for divorce will show your kids that infidelity is not okay. It wasn't okay for you to cheat and it's NOT okay for your husband to do it either. Chances are they will probably want to live with their dad. That might not be a bad thing though. It will give them space, a chance for them to miss you and appreciate the things you do for them. This will also give you a chance to become a strong, independant woman. I'm sorry you're going through this. Sometimes marriages can not be saved after an affair. Don't live in the past because there's nothing you can do to change it. Focus on you, your kids and the future. I really do wish you the best.