Living in hell

[troubadour]

I have to say I really don't think leaving notes in his pocket is going to be able to fix this situation. It's pretty much beyond fixing at this point. At this point if she keeps saying she "loves" him it is just going to sound disingenuous.

 

Since, what would it even say? "Sorry I slept with our son's teacher and destroyed everyone's lives, but I am mostly sorry I was caught"? I don't think there is any note in existence that could make this better unless it is a note that says "Dear Husband, I will grant you a divorce".

 

 

I agree. The OP needs to realize that the damage caused by her affair is simply irrevesable considering that they live in a small Catholic community in Argentina. Unfortunately, there is absolutely nothing she can do fix the situation.

[aliveagain]

Livinginhell when your son discovered you were you in your family home or in your son'school? Is there a chance someone will seek revenge on you as your son and his friends did with other man? The way you mention that the other man is now an outcast has me wondering if your more worried about his well being over that of your husband, are you over him, your relationship with him lasted longer than many marriages. How bad was what your son saw, is he in counselling?

[No Limit]

Livinginhell when your son discovered you were you in your family home or in your son'school? Is there a chance someone will seek revenge on you as your son and his friends did with other man? The way you mention that the other man is now an outcast has me wondering if your more worried about his well being over that of your husband, are you over him, your relationship with him lasted longer than many marriages. How bad was what your son saw, is he in counselling?

 

Her son almost caught her and the teacher doing it in the car.

[Scott Thomas]

To the OP,

 

Some of my words will seem harsh. Please don't take them personally. My opinions, and those of other posters, are clouded by our own experiences, which may differ from the cultural norms/expectations of Argentina (though I doubt any society would condone your actions).

 

Just to get things right: small town in religious Argentina, MW sleeps with hers son's teacher for 2 years. Of all the people-the butcher, the neighbour, the mailman, the old friend, it had to be the sons's teacher?

 

I am not an expert on cultural expectations, but my Brazilian colleague (whose opinion I sought before posting) spent an hour explaining how you've successfully self-nuked your life (and the lives of your H and sons) and that you've made your sons the laughing stock of the entire schools while simultaneously making your husband seem like the emasculated town idiot. I know that this would be a big issue in Europe/North America, so I can imagine that this issue is amplified by the cultural norms of South American countries. As my friend put it, this is the worst thing you could've done.

 

I for one, will not buy your little sob 'remorse' story. It didn't cross your mind that this might actually destroy your sons' lives? You're sorry about the damage you've caused. However, 'sorry' isn't enough. Don't say 'I know what I did'. Nothing will not undo what you've done. There is no magic wand that you can wave. Sometimes, the damage is permanent and things never return to normal. It normally takes 2-5 years to recover from an A. Given the circumstances surrounding your A, I think that the damage your actions have caused is simply too great.

 

For your H, you've publicly disgraced him by sleeping with your sons's teacher. He will need years of therapy and a clean break. The 'shame' is compounded by the fact that you are Catholics living in rural Argentina.

 

For your sons, well you've destroyed their lives. You slept with his teacher, a man that he has to see at school. Everybody knows about this and you've made him the laughing stock of the school. Dealing with normal problems is hard enough. Your poor sons now face the prospect of being labelled as the kids with the skan** mother who ba**** the teacher. Believe me when I say this, I feel really bad about your sons. You really have no idea about the degree to which you've emotionally scared them for life. You can add 'watching your mother making out with your teacher' to this list.

 

I do not condone name calling. However, I will point out to the fact that you've caused permanent emotional damage as far as your sons are concerned. They will have trust issues and will need to spend years in therapy.

 

At this point, I think that the best thing to do is to move away. Your husband should sell the family business and move to another city/town far away. This will be difficult but it's better than the prospect of being bullied at school, seeing the OM or dealing with the communal fallout. This is a sacrifice, but the opportunity costs in terms of staying where you live are too great. Move away and start afresh. This will end the prospect of seeing the OM or dealing with other kids using your actions to make fun of your sons. Their self esteem and confidence is shattered and they need help (though not from you). Can you imagine the anger and bitterness he felt when he assaulted the teacher? That his friends had to join him? Do you realise how he feels? I'm going to be brutally honest with you- your son might cut you from his life, and nobody can blame him if he does. This is a consequence of your actions, and no magic wand or advice can un-drop the nuke you dropped in his life, and you really shouldn't be complaining about his anger, given that you've been sleeping with his teacher for 2 years.

 

As for your husband, the above argument also applies to him. Will he forgive you? Only time will tell.

I only recommend reconciliation if the WS is remorseful about the A. Let's get one thing straight- you would've continued your A if your son hadn't caught you. In your particular scenario (A with son's teacher, continued until caught by son) I think that this is a deal breaker and your husband's actions reflect the frustration, anger, despair and emasculation he is feeling.

 

For the sake of your children, I would advise your family to move away and start again. A poster mentioned that your family might need some time apart from you. I agree with this. Can you give them some time and space to heal? You stated that you don't have any family, but can you stay with some female friends? I don't want to sound chauvinistic, but could you spend time at a local community centre/abbey/nunnery if you have nowhere else to go. I normally ask the WW to stay but your actions are rare and quite extreme. Our advice might improve things after a few years but only a miracle will mitigate the damage you've done.

 

I really do hope that your sons recover.

Edited April 8, 2014 by Scott Thomas

[janedoe67]

To the OP,

 

Some of my words will seem harsh. Please don't take them personally. My opinions, and those of other posters, are clouded by our own experiences, which may differ from the cultural norms/expectations of Argentina (though I doubt any society would condone your actions).

 

Just to get things right: small town in religious Argentina, MW sleeps with hers son's teacher for 2 years. Of all the people-the butcher, the neighbour, the mailman, the old friend, it had to be the sons's teacher?

 

I am not an expert on cultural expectations, but my Brazilian colleague (whose opinion I sought before posting) spent an hour explaining how you've successfully self-nuked your life (and the lives of your H and sons) and that you've made your sons the laughing stock of the entire schools while simultaneously making your husband seem like the emasculated town idiot. I know that this would be a big issue in Europe/North America, so I can imagine that this issue is amplified by the cultural norms of South American countries. As my friend put it, this is the worst thing you could've done.

 

I for one, will not buy your little sob 'remorse' story. It didn't cross your mind that this might actually destroy your sons' lives? You're sorry about the damage you've caused. However, 'sorry' isn't enough. Don't say 'I know what I did'. Nothing will not undo what you've done. There is no magic wand that you can wave. Sometimes, the damage is permanent and things never return to normal. It normally takes 2-5 years to recover from an A. Given the circumstances surrounding your A, I think that the damage your actions have caused is simply too great.

 

For your H, you've publicly disgraced him by sleeping with your sons's teacher. He will need years of therapy and a clean break. The 'shame' is compounded by the fact that you are Catholics living in rural Argentina.

 

For your sons, well you've destroyed their lives. You slept with his teacher, a man that he has to see at school. Everybody knows about this and you've made him the laughing stock of the school. Dealing with normal problems is hard enough. Your poor sons now face the prospect of being labelled as the kids with the skan** mother who ba**** the teacher. Believe me when I say this, I feel really bad about your sons. You really have no idea about the degree to which you've emotionally scared them for life. You can add 'watching your mother making out with your teacher' to this list.

 

I do not condone name calling. However, I will point out to the fact that you've caused permanent emotional damage as far as your sons are concerned. They will have trust issues and will need to spend years in therapy.

 

At this point, I think that the best thing to do is to move away. Your husband should sell the family business and move to another city/town far away. This will be difficult but it's better than the prospect of being bullied at school, seeing the OM or dealing with the communal fallout. This is a sacrifice, but the opportunity costs in terms of staying where you live are too great. Move away and start afresh. This will end the prospect of seeing the OM or dealing with other kids using your actions to make fun of your sons. Their self esteem and confidence is shattered and they need help (though not from you). Can you imagine the anger and bitterness he felt when he assaulted the teacher? That his friends had to join him? Do you realise how he feels? I'm going to be brutally honest with you- your son might cut you from his life, and nobody can blame him if he does. This is a consequence of your actions, and no magic wand or advice can un-drop the nuke you dropped in his life, and you really shouldn't be complaining about his anger, given that you've been sleeping with his teacher for 2 years.

 

As for your husband, the above argument also applies to him. Will he forgive you? Only time will tell.

I only recommend reconciliation if the WS is remorseful about the A. Let's get one thing straight- you would've continued your A if your son hadn't caught you. In your particular scenario (A with son's teacher, continued until caught by son) I think that this is a deal breaker and your husband's actions reflect the frustration, anger, despair and emasculation he is feeling.

 

For the sake of your children, I would advise your family to move away and start again. A poster mentioned that your family might need some time apart from you. I agree with this. Can you give them some time and space to heal? You stated that you don't have any family, but can you stay with some female friends? I don't want to sound chauvinistic, but could you spend time at a local community centre/abbey/nunnery if you have nowhere else to go. I normally ask the WW to stay but your actions are rare and quite extreme. Our advice might improve things after a few years but only a miracle will mitigate the damage you've done.

 

I really do hope that your sons recover.

 

As a FWW, I have to say I agree with this, and I appreciate that you have the intelligence to say this without all of the editorial lazy name-calling emotional stuff.

[No Limit]

I am not an expert on cultural expectations, but my Brazilian colleague (whose opinion I sought before posting) spent an hour explaining how you've successfully self-nuked your life (and the lives of your H and sons) and that you've made your sons the laughing stock of the entire schools while simultaneously making your husband seem like the emasculated town idiot. I know that this would be a big issue in Europe/North America, so I can imagine that this issue is amplified by the cultural norms of South American countries. As my friend put it, this is the worst thing you could've done.

 

It's actually quite logical. Personally I believe the OP can be quite glad she's not located in Eastern Europe, in those places she'd be bullied on a regular basis. My mother also told me about a case far beyond the extremes; an old friend apparently told her that after everything he's invested in his marriage, his wife, himself and their future, he'd rather kill her than let her stray, betray and leave him.

I know it's off topic but I do have to say I'm surprised at how gentle her husband is. While chances for R are basically zero due to social pressure from the outside he's being the adult in this "relationship".

[italianjob]

To the OP,

 

Some of my words will seem harsh. Please don't take them personally. My opinions, and those of other posters, are clouded by our own experiences, which may differ from the cultural norms/expectations of Argentina (though I doubt any society would condone your actions).

 

Just to get things right: small town in religious Argentina, MW sleeps with hers son's teacher for 2 years. Of all the people-the butcher, the neighbour, the mailman, the old friend, it had to be the sons's teacher?

 

I am not an expert on cultural expectations, but my Brazilian colleague (whose opinion I sought before posting) spent an hour explaining how you've successfully self-nuked your life (and the lives of your H and sons) and that you've made your sons the laughing stock of the entire schools while simultaneously making your husband seem like the emasculated town idiot. I know that this would be a big issue in Europe/North America, so I can imagine that this issue is amplified by the cultural norms of South American countries. As my friend put it, this is the worst thing you could've done.

 

I for one, will not buy your little sob 'remorse' story. It didn't cross your mind that this might actually destroy your sons' lives? You're sorry about the damage you've caused. However, 'sorry' isn't enough. Don't say 'I know what I did'. Nothing will not undo what you've done. There is no magic wand that you can wave. Sometimes, the damage is permanent and things never return to normal. It normally takes 2-5 years to recover from an A. Given the circumstances surrounding your A, I think that the damage your actions have caused is simply too great.

 

For your H, you've publicly disgraced him by sleeping with your sons's teacher. He will need years of therapy and a clean break. The 'shame' is compounded by the fact that you are Catholics living in rural Argentina.

 

For your sons, well you've destroyed their lives. You slept with his teacher, a man that he has to see at school. Everybody knows about this and you've made him the laughing stock of the school. Dealing with normal problems is hard enough. Your poor sons now face the prospect of being labelled as the kids with the skan** mother who ba**** the teacher. Believe me when I say this, I feel really bad about your sons. You really have no idea about the degree to which you've emotionally scared them for life. You can add 'watching your mother making out with your teacher' to this list.

 

I do not condone name calling. However, I will point out to the fact that you've caused permanent emotional damage as far as your sons are concerned. They will have trust issues and will need to spend years in therapy.

 

At this point, I think that the best thing to do is to move away. Your husband should sell the family business and move to another city/town far away. This will be difficult but it's better than the prospect of being bullied at school, seeing the OM or dealing with the communal fallout. This is a sacrifice, but the opportunity costs in terms of staying where you live are too great. Move away and start afresh. This will end the prospect of seeing the OM or dealing with other kids using your actions to make fun of your sons. Their self esteem and confidence is shattered and they need help (though not from you). Can you imagine the anger and bitterness he felt when he assaulted the teacher? That his friends had to join him? Do you realise how he feels? I'm going to be brutally honest with you- your son might cut you from his life, and nobody can blame him if he does. This is a consequence of your actions, and no magic wand or advice can un-drop the nuke you dropped in his life, and you really shouldn't be complaining about his anger, given that you've been sleeping with his teacher for 2 years.

 

As for your husband, the above argument also applies to him. Will he forgive you? Only time will tell.

I only recommend reconciliation if the WS is remorseful about the A. Let's get one thing straight- you would've continued your A if your son hadn't caught you. In your particular scenario (A with son's teacher, continued until caught by son) I think that this is a deal breaker and your husband's actions reflect the frustration, anger, despair and emasculation he is feeling.

 

For the sake of your children, I would advise your family to move away and start again. A poster mentioned that your family might need some time apart from you. I agree with this. Can you give them some time and space to heal? You stated that you don't have any family, but can you stay with some female friends? I don't want to sound chauvinistic, but could you spend time at a local community centre/abbey/nunnery if you have nowhere else to go. I normally ask the WW to stay but your actions are rare and quite extreme. Our advice might improve things after a few years but only a miracle will mitigate the damage you've done.

 

I really do hope that your sons recover.

 

I'm glad someone with a deeper knowledge of the english language has expressed some of the things I have been trying to say in some of my previous posts.

I think in this case it's very important to understand the context, which is very different from North America.

I think I was the first to say that moving somewhere far away would be the best thing to do for this family, so I completely agree with that.

I'm afraid, though, that this proposition could be rejected by the family if proposed by the OP as they would think she would be the one who would benefit from a fresh start, while actually everyone in the family would be better off.

A new town could even help the kids and the husband to actually find it in themselves to forgive the OP, as they wouldn't be reminded daily of their humiliation and shame.

I think there's little hope for a true R here, but I also see a light of hope for the OP in the way her husband has behaved in spite of the pain he must feel.

I feel the simple fact that he's still keeping her around in this situation and this context, means that he loves her deeply.

[Spectre]

I do not think his love for her was ever in question. It was kind of the other way around, she has no love for him and he needs to divorce her immediately. You can try to dissect this behavior and determine why it happened, but the fact is it happened. The husband won't ever forget, the kids won't ever forget. The relationship with the kids can be saved, but I'm afraid the relationship with the husband most likely can't.

 

Which is as it should be, this man deserves happiness with someone who will not do this to him.

[troubadour]

Personally I believe the OP can be quite glad she's not located in Eastern Europe, in those places she'd be bullied on a regular basis.

 

 

I don't know what countries in Eastern Europe you are reffering to but I have been many times in Poland and Czech Republic and I don't find them any less liberal than countries like Italy, Spain, or Portugal.

[Scott Thomas]

Living in hell,

 

I don't think your husband is going to forgive you. Do you deserve forgiveness? I can't answer because I don't know anything about you.

However, this is a man WHO DID NOT CRY WHEN HIS FATHER DIED. You reduced HIM TO TEARS. Reconciliation depends on the BS forgiving the WS. It's likely that this won't happen in your case. I can't imagine what he went through when he asked the OM to refrain from pressing charges.

 

As for your son, the poor kid was stabbed in the back by his own mother. As laughable as it may seem, his friends showed more loyalty to him when they assaulted the OM. Life is not a video game and there is no restart button. I'm afraid you'll learn this the hard way. He may never forgive you because that is his decision to make, and our advice won't make him change his mind.

 

Which makes us arrive at another question:

Why should they forgive you?

I know that you are their mother and want them in your life, but what specifically makes you think they need you in theirs? Unless they decide to forgive you, you don't have another option. Forgiveness can only be earned if the other party is willing to forgive you. This isn't going to happen in the next few months.

Edited April 9, 2014 by Scott Thomas

[livinginhell]

Dear all, thank you for your answers.

It has become obvious that I have come to the wrong place for advise. I have asked three questions and they were how to open a communication line after the Dday when the BS does not want to talk with you, how to treat the issues with your children and how to show/proof that you are remorseful to your betrayed spouse. I have gotten a couple of very good advises and I thank those people because they are helping someone who is broken and destroyed (even when it has been my own doing). I thank the people who advise me to send a letter to my husband because he has answered me and I thank the person who advise me to buy some books because they have been of much help. I also thank some people who have given me some insight on how my husband and children have to be feeling right now from a male perspective. Thank you all.

For those who has come here to just tell me how wrong I was, how an horrible person I am and how unforgivable is what I have done... really? Don't you have anything else to do that going to attack random people in the internet and show of your great morality? Who has appointed you the moral judges? Do you really think I need to be told how it is the reality in a little town in Argentina , that I don't see that? Then the most incredible question is why did I choose my son's teacher and not the butcher or the neighbor... do you really think I went out of my house thinking "I am going to have an affair, who should I choose..?"

 

I don't doubt that I am broken and I am seeking help and going to therapy to better myself but those who are here with the condemnation hammer should have some deep soul searching because you are also broken!

 

I will go seek help some other place where people would actually will try to help me and not just sit in their high chair and judge me.

Edited April 9, 2014 by livinginhell

[Scott Thomas]

Living in hell,

 

I did state that while some statements might seem like personal attacks, they aren't. You will get a lot if advice here and some of it might actually 'hurt'.

 

1. This is not a personal attack, but your entire attitude asks of misplaced defensive vendetta and frustration.

While I agree that you did not go looking for an affair in the beginning, you did go out to continue it. Don't say that 'I didn't go out of my house looking' because that is exactly what happened during the continuous 2 years when you had sex with the OM on a number if occasions.

 

2. Some if the posts are also meant for other fellow posters. When you post on a forum, not everyone might be as sympathetic. Additionally, I never only commented on the fact that your choice of AP makes the situation more complicated.

 

3. Your third paragraph about 'posters with condemnation hammers and broken souls'

I'm not going to demean myself by commenting about this.

 

4. If you're looking for a pat on the back and a magic wand that will eliminate your problems in a few days then yes this is the wrong place. You might try other forums like talk about marriage or marriage builders but I doubt you'll find the pats/wands.

 

5. The son's teacher-would you be kind enough to elaborate as to exactly why you think this is an incredible question? Incredible actions often leads to incredible questions and incredible answers.

 

6. I, and a number of my fellow posters, will be more than happy to help you during your recovery. Criticism of someone's actions is a part if this process. If you can't handle our criticism, just exactly how do you plan on facing your husband and children, whose criticism will be far worse than ours.

 

7. Do I think you are sorry? Yes. However, your response borders on spite and bitterness. With this attitude, you aren't going to make any progress in reconciling. Reconciliation is a ling process, and it will take years of hard work to regain the trust of your family. Read the 'What WS needs to know' thread. Go through Sophie's thread-her response is very different from yours and I have always hoped that her husband would reconcile with her. My point here is that if you can't stand the posts on an anonymous forum, just exactly how do you plan on bearing the anger/bitterness of your husband/family for 3-5 years?

 

You are free to leave or stay. We'll be happy to help you out. Your life will have no impact on our lives and the divorce/reconciliation won't impact us. However, it will impact your family members and for their sake, I would advise you to drop the bitterness and adopt some genuine remorse/humility. This starts by acknowledging the mistakes you made, accepting due criticism, working g on yourself and earning the forgiveness of your family.

 

Good Luck!

[Hope Shimmers]

Living in hell,

 

I did state that while some statements might seem like personal attacks, they aren't. You will get a lot if advice here and some of it might actually 'hurt'.

 

1. This is not a personal attack, but your entire attitude asks of misplaced defensive vendetta and frustration.

While I agree that you did not go looking for an affair in the beginning, you did go out to continue it. Don't say that 'I didn't go out of my house looking' because that is exactly what happened during the continuous 2 years when you had sex with the OM on a number if occasions.

 

2. Some if the posts are also meant for other fellow posters. When you post on a forum, not everyone might be as sympathetic. Additionally, I never only commented on the fact that your choice of AP makes the situation more complicated.

 

3. Your third paragraph about 'posters with condemnation hammers and broken souls'

I'm not going to demean myself by commenting about this.

 

4. If you're looking for a pat on the back and a magic wand that will eliminate your problems in a few days then yes this is the wrong place. You might try other forums like talk about marriage or marriage builders but I doubt you'll find the pats/wands.

 

5. The son's teacher-would you be kind enough to elaborate as to exactly why you think this is an incredible question? Incredible actions often leads to incredible questions and incredible answers.

 

6. I, and a number of my fellow posters, will be more than happy to help you during your recovery. Criticism of someone's actions is a part if this process. If you can't handle our criticism, just exactly how do you plan on facing your husband and children, whose criticism will be far worse than ours.

 

7. Do I think you are sorry? Yes. However, your response borders on spite and bitterness. With this attitude, you aren't going to make any progress in reconciling. Reconciliation is a ling process, and it will take years of hard work to regain the trust of your family. Read the 'What WS needs to know' thread. Go through Sophie's thread-her response is very different from yours and I have always hoped that her husband would reconcile with her. My point here is that if you can't stand the posts on an anonymous forum, just exactly how do you plan on bearing the anger/bitterness of your husband/family for 3-5 years?

 

You are free to leave or stay. We'll be happy to help you out. Your life will have no impact on our lives and the divorce/reconciliation won't impact us. However, it will impact your family members and for their sake, I would advise you to drop the bitterness and adopt some genuine remorse/humility. This starts by acknowledging the mistakes you made, accepting due criticism, working g on yourself and earning the forgiveness of your family.

 

Good Luck!

 

Go back and read her very first post as to what questions she asked, and what she said. Did what you said go way beyond that?

 

People should be free to post questions and not receive pages of judgement. My opinion.

[livinginhell]

To any web administrator, please close this thread. I came here looking for help and I what I have got is just people who just want to "prepare me" for the anger of my loved ones with their own anger, I can take the anger of those who I love because they have a reason to be angry at me and they are in their right to show that anger but I don't come here to take the crap of anyone else.

 

Thank you to all the ones who honestly tried to help me!

[Hope Shimmers]

To any web administrator, please close this thread. I came here looking for help and I what I have got is just people who just want to "prepare me" for the anger of my loved ones with their own anger, I can take the anger of those who I love because they have a reason to be angry at me and they are in their right to show that anger but I don't come here to take the crap of anyone else.

 

Thank you to all the ones who honestly tried to help me!

 

Living,

 

Click on the 'alert us' button in one of the posts on your thread and ask them to close it - that way they will see your request.

 

I wish you the best.

[Scott Thomas]

Go back and read her very first post as to what questions she asked, and what she said. Did what you said go way beyond that?

 

People should be free to post questions and not receive pages of judgement. My opinion.

 

I understand that she is suffering and has to face the consequences if her actions.

 

Q1) Rendered invalid because he wasn't having an affair.

 

Q2) The lines of communication between her husband can't be restored unless he's receptive.

 

Q3) Earning her family's forgiveness depends on her actions during and after the A, and their ability to forgive.

 

Her other posts provided us with new information (length, background of A, her husband's response, the sons's fight). Our answers tend to change when the situation changes. And her situation just happens to accelerate towards self-destruction ever day.

 

If she can't handle the judgements posted on an anonymous thread, how is she going to handle her husband's/children's judgment, which incidentally, will last a lifetime.

 

I pointed out that there is a chance that the situation might not be salvaged. Funny how people judge others for judging them in the first place.

I'll be more than happy to help her out. However, her attitude isn't going to help her.

[road]

To any web administrator, please close this thread. I came here looking for help and I what I have got is just people who just want to "prepare me" for the anger of my loved ones with their own anger, I can take the anger of those who I love because they have a reason to be angry at me and they are in their right to show that anger but I don't come here to take the crap of anyone else.

 

Thank you to all the ones who honestly tried to help me!

 

 

 

 

 

You ask for help. Well some people only come here to bash the WW.

 

 

I will point out that when you are given advice you never respond as how using that advice is working.

 

 

When suggested to get a book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

 

 

Do you buy it?

 

 

Read it?

 

 

Apply it?

 

 

Ask for guidance on how to apply what is in the book?

 

 

It takes more from a WW then to come here and say I banged the OM, I regret it.

 

 

Last advice ignore those that are not helpful and keep replying to those that bring help.

Edited April 9, 2014 by road

[Hope Shimmers]

I understand that she is suffering and has to face the consequences if her actions.

 

Q1) Rendered invalid because he wasn't having an affair.

 

Q2) The lines of communication between her husband can't be restored unless he's receptive.

 

Q3) Earning her family's forgiveness depends on her actions during and after the A, and their ability to forgive.

 

Her other posts provided us with new information (length, background of A, her husband's response, the sons's fight). Our answers tend to change when the situation changes. And her situation just happens to accelerate towards self-destruction ever day.

 

You stated: "If she can't handle the judgements posted on an anonymous thread, how is she going to handle her husband's/children's judgment, which incidentally, will last a lifetime."

 

Is that our job or concern? To worry about how she is going to handle things the rest of her lifetime? That wasn't what she asked. Or is it our concern to help someone in the way they want and requested help? How can we judge when we are not in someone's shoes, just based on a bunch of internet posts? What do we really know about someone else's life from a total of 11 posts on a forum? Maybe we should just focus on the questions she asked, then.

[Scott Thomas]

You ask for help. Well some people only come here to bash the WW.

 

 

I will point out that when you are given advice you never respond as how using that advice is working.

 

 

When suggested to get a book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

 

 

Do you buy it?

 

 

Read it?

 

 

Apply it?

 

 

Ask for guidance on how to apply what is in the book?

 

 

It takes more from a WW then to come here and say I banged the OM, I regret it.

 

 

Last advice ignore those that are not helpful and keep replying to those that bring help.

 

Given the background of her A, people here are a tad lenient. If Sophie's thread is a barometer for measurement then this poster hasn't really faced much criticism. Just my opinion. She lashed out for people judging her-and we wonder why she had an A for two years. I pointed out that the A would still be continuing if her son didn't catch her, which is why her remorse appears to stem from the destruction of her actions and not her actions. Why would I, or any other poster for that matter, be angry with her. What did she do to me? It's her own life that she's destroying. My point here is that without humility and self-introspection, a reconciliation doesn't stand a chance.

 

Asking her if moving is an option, or pointing out that her entire family needs counselling isn't bashing. It's an observation based on her husband burning clothes and her son engaging in a fist fight with his teacher.

The first step towards reconciliation is accepting that you erred, withstanding your family's anger and working on where you faltered. OP, is there something specific that you're looking for here? At this point, are your goals are limited to regaining the respect/trust of your loved ones? What about the A itself?

[Scott Thomas]

You stated: "If she can't handle the judgements posted on an anonymous thread, how is she going to handle her husband's/children's judgment, which incidentally, will last a lifetime."

 

Is that our job or concern? To worry about how she is going to handle things the rest of her lifetime? That wasn't what she asked. Or is it our concern to help someone in the way they want and requested help? How can we judge when we are not in someone's shoes, just based on a bunch of internet posts? What do we really know about someone else's life from a total of 11 posts on a forum? Maybe we should just focus on the questions she asked, then.

 

Of the numerous points I raised, you decided to comment on this one?

Rather picky, aren't we?

If my point didn't register, it was that she will probably deal with a lot of criticism from her family. This will last for years. She needs to prepare herself for this. This is not my fault and I certainly won't be impacted by it. However, it will happen and is a part of the RESTORE MY LINES OF COMMUNICATION and SHOW THAT I'M SORRY answers.

I want her sons to recover and lead normal lives. I could easily go out and play golf. The fact that some young lad's life is destroyed actually makes me feel bad. So forgive me if I address the bigger picture and don't narrow my vision to 3 small questions. In the long run, the bigger picture outweighs and determines the course of 'these three questions'.