Living in hell

[Bryanp]

I just cannot wrap my mind around your statement that

You believed that your husband would forgive you because he is so understanding even if you got caught having a sexual affair with your son's teacher and putting your husband at risk for STD's since you didn't even bother using protection. You actually thought he would forgive you and see it not as such a big deal. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????? How could you possible think this?

[bubbaganoosh]

She will have to endure a lot more than just name calling.

 

I agree. She will have to endure a lot more than the name calling but not from her kids.

 

I'm glad her husband let the kids know that the name calling will stop but if he's trying to be the better parent, he's failing big time. Two wrongs don't make a right and now it's both parents that have egg on their face. It's a mess isn't it?

[Hope Shimmers]

I'll refrain from commenting on the double standard of religion, affairs, etc.

 

You made a huge mistake and it seems you want to fix it. Given everything you have said, I think you should stay in your marriage for now, if for no other reason than because you need the best chance of re-establishing a relationship with your kids. Put your marriage on the back burner for now in terms of trying to fix it, except for reaffirming that you want to reconcile and that you are sorry and remorseful, etc. But don't push your husband right now. In time some of this will die down and you may have your chance then, but if you leave now then that's gone. Your husband is understandably very hurt but he didn't react very well either.

 

Both of you married VERY young (you in particular) and some of this was just complete inexperience with relationships in general. It's not an excuse, but it's understandable in some ways. You have learned a very hard lesson but if you stick out the test of time with the husband and kids, maybe things will eventually work out for you. At least your husband is talking to you in a somewhat rational frame of mind now. It takes a really long time to recover from that hurt, especially with the small town and how he feels publicly humiliated, etc. (your kids too).

 

You made a huge mistake and error in judgment - but you are a human being and we make mistakes - you can't change the past, just what you do from here on out.

[underpants]

slut shaming asisde, gosh people. I get the projection pain, but Lawd.

 

Here is the thing. Yes you screwed up, perhaps it is for a reason, to grow up a little. Get a job, get friends, support yourself, move a bit away.... find out who you are and learn to take care of yourself on your own...scary stuff. Independence is a good thing. Own your personhood.

 

For as many reasons you give for not branching out on your own, are just as many for doing exactly so.

 

If you two are meant to be you can re-connect later, but to stay in this situation is a slow death of accepting what sounds dreadful from all directions.

 

I wish you the best, when you are ready to get off your guilt stump and take action the world awaits.

[goodyblue]

Your family is abusing you but I don’t think they hate you. You hurt them and they are just striking back.

 

I bet they had a very high opinion of you and in a way that makes things worse. Your husband was the only man you ever had sex with and that is very rare now a days. That made him feel very special and that was one of the reasons he treated you special.

 

 

 

Now that’s gone forever. It looks to the town that your husband couldn’t keep you sexually satisfied and from what you wrote that’s true. Your husband’s public affair is an attempt to show everyone that he can satisfy a woman and reclaim his manhood. Are you having sex with your husband?

 

Your children are at a difficult age to be told at school that their mom fu*ked Mr. X the history teacher is very hard for them. Do they have to see the OM at school?

 

The only leverage you have is that you take care of the house and they would probably be lost without you. Do you have another place to stay?

 

I would tell them that what you did was very wrong and you deserve their abuse but only up to a point. I would give them a time limit and keep telling them how sorry you are. Once the time is up (one month or whatever) you will no longer put up with their abuse. You are their mother, you love them and you take care of them and the house.

 

I would tell your husband that you plan to fu*k him to death but if the abuse continues you will move out.

 

DO NOT tell your husband that the AP was just for sex. That can make a BW feel better but not a BH.

 

Nobody deserves abuse. It is wrong to tell anyone that. Ever.

[excusememister]

 

You made a huge mistake and it seems you want to fix it. Given everything you have said, I think you should stay in your marriage for now, if for no other reason than because you need the best chance of re-establishing a relationship with your kids. Put your marriage on the back burner for now in terms of trying to fix it, except for reaffirming that you want to reconcile and that you are sorry and remorseful, etc. But don't push your husband right now.

 

I agree 100% with this. For now, I wouldn't file for divorce. I would stay put in the house.

 

After all, your husband didn't kick you out. He said you can "choose to stay or go".

 

Just take things a day at a time. As HopeShimmers said, they will soon start to die down.

[BeholdtheMan]

Your husband's sexual affair is actually a source of strength for him when he's dealing with you. You have less power to sexually manipulate him. Overall, your husband is simply handling his situation like a man with dignity. You served him a sh*t sandwich. He didn't gulp it down with a smile. He threw it back in your face.

[Fluttershy]

Your husband's sexual affair is actually a source of strength for him when he's dealing with you. You have less power to sexually manipulate him. Overall, your husband is simply handling his situation like a man with dignity. You served him a sh*t sandwich. He didn't gulp it down with a smile. He threw it back in your face.

 

I am sure glad I don't know any men who thinks that is what being a man is. Wow, simply unbelievable and hateful comment. It boggles my mind and my husbands and any human being I surround myself that anyonewould actually applaud this man for involving himself with an employee right after the devestation his wife caused while he has two sons at home.

 

Listen up sonnie's divorce is wrong in God's eyes so I am going to stay with her but go and hook up with some fresh meat. Who cares about the double standard and the making a terrible situation even messier kids. As long as Mom is in pain and I am getting some side action that is all that counts.

 

Un freaken believable that someone who isn't actually reeling from a fresh betrayal would not ony condone husbbehaviour but applaud it.

 

Men and women who don't divorce their spouses but immediently jump into a relationship with yet another person when the have children at home have no moral ground over the spouse. None whats soever. At least in this case she is sorry for her actions and hasn't justified them. He on the other hand is a class A hypocrite at this point. And as neglective of his kids as she was.

 

I feel so sorry for those boys. What a terrible example both parents have been and are being.

[Zenstudent]

I don't think an open marriage would do much good in this situation. They live in a small town in Argentina, and they are already the talk of the town now. They're not divorcing because of religious issues...

The damage for the kids would get even worse.

It's not far fetched, is it? OP opened up the marriage, but forgot to tell her husband about it. Logically there's nothing wrong with thinking: "Oh, she wants us to have other partners on the side? Let me get started, it seems I'm behind the score..."

 

I agree that it might not be the most healthy reaction from her husband though. What bugs me is, that you are all so busy telling OP how wrong her husband is, that it would be easy for her to think: "Oh, well, what I did wasn't THAT bad, maybe I deserved it after all".

 

I think it would be a good idea to support her in getting her life straight again, so that she can be the mother and future partner that she wants to be(?).

 

Livinghell; I don't envy you your situation, but remember two things.

First; you brought this on you yourself, it was your choice. Now is the time that you can make a new and different choice for your life and future. Who do you wanna be? Describe your future self and your goals, work on getting there and stick to it - be stubborn.

 

Second; you can't control other peoples actions, as your husband couldn't control yours. You only control how you respond. So my advice is to not focus on all the condemnation of your husband and kids, focus on what YOU can do, how much you will put up with, and what you wanna do for yourself to reach your goals.

 

A good mother and partner isn't a passive person who just put up with everything thrown at her. Tell them in a calm manner and voice that you won't accept the name calling. It says more about the persons who does it than about you. A learning lesson for life.

 

I know you have decided that your religious belief makes it impossible to divorce. I would reconsider, but I'm not religios. What's the next best thing you can do? Can you talk with someone within your church maybe?

 

Best of luck to you, make your own path in life and stick to it.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm sorry for the heartbreak you and your family are experiencing BUT at the same time, what did you expect????

 

I will admit that I'm probably not the best person to comment on posts about infidelity as I am pretty hardcore. I think what disturbs me the most isn't so much that you had an affair but WHO you had it with! I'm also SO tired of hearing men and women use the victim card or give some sad story about their lives to somehow justify their inappropriate actions. It's weak and selfish. You're talking out of both sides of your mouth when you say how much you love your husband and family and how they are the most important thing in your life and then somehow find it okay to go off and f**k your son's teacher. Come on!

 

Although I don't agree with the way your husband is handling things, I think he has the right to be very angry and hurt by all of this. You're not the only one having to deal with a heartbreak after all. If he doesn't want to make it work, so be it.

 

At this point, what's done is done and hopefully with enough therapy you will make peace with your demons so this doesn't happen again. I would forget about your husband right now. He's no where near ready to forgive never mind work things out with you. If you love your family as much as you say, you're job now is mending your relationships with your CHILDREN. That's it. They are the priority now and always. I can't even imagine the amount of pain they're in.

 

Get them into counselling. Do the work that's needed on yourself. Consult your lawyer. And be prepared - this isn't going to turn around anytime soon.

[road]

Thank you all again for all of your answers.

 

First I would like to say that the woman my husband is having an affair with (I don't know if they have sex or not but I am assuming they do) arrived to the town around 10 days before dday directly to work for us so I really doubt my husband had anything to do with her before dday.

I would also like to say that I understand how looking from the outside the best and more logic advise can be divorce but this is certainly not the case in my reality.

Lets assume that if I would file for divorce I would not lose my children, I know for sure that they would choose for their father and then I would not see them anymore but lets assume that they will miss me and finally we would be able to restore some kind of relationship. Lets assume that I get a good lawyer (almost impossible as all the ones around my town are in one or other way linked to my family in law) and I get the half of the assets (that means the half of the house and a quarter of the value of the company as half of the company is owned my my family in law). I have never studied or lived on my own, I am a pariah in my town and no one would give me a job at this moment and further more probably I would have to pay alimony to my husband since the children would stay with him.

I also do not have a family, my parents died when I was 19 and I have no siblings or any other family, till now my family in law was my family but also them have stopped the contact with me.

Anyway all of that matter almost nothing because if I lose my husband and children then I really don't care about anything anymore. My only hope is the knowledge of the love my husband always had for me, I am sure he still loves me and is the peer pressure and the expectations in the close environment in this town what makes him be something that he is not. We live in a small town and now we are the hot topic and till the moment that everyone forgets about this I can't not attempt to get to my husband heart, I hope that with time he will see how remorseful I am and understand that I love him as I ever loved him.

With my children I think I will begin to try to talk with my younger one, he was always very close to me and I think he is missing me but he doesn't want to have problems with his older brother. We will see how that goes.

 

 

 

Who did you get caught?

 

 

You have gotten a lot of posts but no guidance on how to recover your marriage.

 

 

So beyond you need, to you must get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. In it you will learn about how to rebuild broken trust, how to plan A your BH.

 

 

Plan A example. Restaurant food is never good as home food. You know your families favorite food. Make the house smell good. Good enough to make them get their minds off the affair. To miss the family meals. A lot of food will get thrown out. Rapairing damage takes two to five years.

[fellini]

OP "open the marriage" which sounds like open marriage...

 

These are merely armchair mind games for those not actually invested in this situation. She didn't "open" a marriage, she stepped OUT of it. Behaved like someone NOT in a committed relationship.

 

Even as a BS I am not going to accept that SHE "started it" like it was some kind of playground gang fight, so SHE deserved him taking on a lover and flaunting it for his kids and him to use to laugh and humiliate her. This goes WAY BEYOND an appropriate response.

 

Yeah we know that this woman showed up 10 days AFTER d-day. And maybe that is relevant (i.e. who brought her into the business after d-day?) or not.

 

His claiming religious conviction and having a slice on the side all the while claiming to be nothing more than a victim is just more childish nonsense.

[Zenstudent]

OP "open the marriage" which sounds like open marriage...

 

These are merely armchair mind games for those not actually invested in this situation. She didn't "open" a marriage, she stepped OUT of it. Behaved like someone NOT in a committed relationship.

 

Even as a BS I am not going to accept that SHE "started it" like it was some kind of playground gang fight, so SHE deserved him taking on a lover and flaunting it for his kids and him to use to laugh and humiliate her. This goes WAY BEYOND an appropriate response.

 

Yeah we know that this woman showed up 10 days AFTER d-day. And maybe that is relevant (i.e. who brought her into the business after d-day?) or not.

 

His claiming religious conviction and having a slice on the side all the while claiming to be nothing more than a victim is just more childish nonsense.

This was your opinion on semantics and further flaming the original BS (who BTW isn't here to defend himself), what's your advice for OP?

[fellini]

I've read a fair number of your posts Zen, and I fail to see how your summing up WS's, and whether they are worth fighting for, or capable of change, is any less a flame on person's not here to defend themselves. Respectfully.

 

This was your opinion on semantics and further flaming the original BS (who BTW isn't here to defend himself), what's your advice for OP?

[livinginhell]

Well, lets say I have both good and bad news and both are very good and very bad.

To begin with the good news, my husband is not having an affair with that woman, I thought they were having one and my husband let me believe they did when I confronted him but I have been reassured by the woman herself and by my sister in law that there is nothing further from a friendship (not even a close one). I talked it out with my husband and he told me he let me believe it was true so I would have some taste of how he feels.

 

The bad news is that my older son and two of his friends attacked yesterday their teacher (the OM). They have been temporarily spelled from the school and we are pending to hear if the OM will be pressing charges. It was ultimately humiliating having to see my husband trying to talk out the OM from pressing charges against our son. When we arrived home he cried for fist time since Dday, I think I have never seen him cry before, not even when his father passed away 3 years ago.

 

I don't know what else can happen to further destroy my life.

 

For those who feel the need to tell me how bad I have screwed up or how an horrible person I am, do you think I don't know? Do you think I don't realize about it? Don't you think I am suffering already enough? Don't you have any compassion? I know all this is all my fault, but I CAN'T undo what I have done, if I could I would, I just can't... Please if you do not have any positive to add just don't write anything. This is the last place I have in the earth to talk about this and to ask advise.

[Hope Shimmers]

Well, lets say I have both good and bad news and both are very good and very bad.

To begin with the good news, my husband is not having an affair with that woman, I thought they were having one and my husband let me believe they did when I confronted him but I have been reassured by the woman herself and by my sister in law that there is nothing further from a friendship (not even a close one). I talked it out with my husband and he told me he let me believe it was true so I would have some taste of how he feels.

 

The bad news is that my older son and two of his friends attacked yesterday their teacher (the OM). They have been temporarily spelled from the school and we are pending to hear if the OM will be pressing charges. It was ultimately humiliating having to see my husband trying to talk out the OM from pressing charges against our son. When we arrived home he cried for fist time since Dday, I think I have never seen him cry before, not even when his father passed away 3 years ago.

 

I don't know what else can happen to further destroy my life.

 

For those who feel the need to tell me how bad I have screwed up or how an horrible person I am, do you think I don't know? Do you think I don't realize about it? Don't you think I am suffering already enough? Don't you have any compassion? I know all this is all my fault, but I CAN'T undo what I have done, if I could I would, I just can't... Please if you do not have any positive to add just don't write anything. This is the last place I have in the earth to talk about this and to ask advise.

 

OMG... I am so sorry for what you are going through.

 

Please keep posting here for support.

 

This just reaffirms what I said before ... stay where you are and try to get back in touch with your sons.

 

I am so sorry.

[GorillaTheater]

Well, lets say I have both good and bad news and both are very good and very bad.

To begin with the good news, my husband is not having an affair with that woman, I thought they were having one and my husband let me believe they did when I confronted him but I have been reassured by the woman herself and by my sister in law that there is nothing further from a friendship (not even a close one). I talked it out with my husband and he told me he let me believe it was true so I would have some taste of how he feels.

 

Pretty good move on his part. Sounds like it worked, and I'm glad to hear that he isn't actually screwing around - more so for the kids than for your marriage.

 

The bad news is that my older son and two of his friends attacked yesterday their teacher (the OM). They have been temporarily spelled from the school and we are pending to hear if the OM will be pressing charges. It was ultimately humiliating having to see my husband trying to talk out the OM from pressing charges against our son. When we arrived home he cried for fist time since Dday, I think I have never seen him cry before, not even when his father passed away 3 years ago.

 

Good for your son; I like his style. And OM probably won't see the case through; he may stand to lose a lot if the full story comes out, and there's not a jury that would be too hard on your son once the full story comes out. My guess is that a jury would refuse to convict at all.

 

I don't know what else can happen to further destroy my life.

 

For those who feel the need to tell me how bad I have screwed up or how an horrible person I am, do you think I don't know? Do you think I don't realize about it? Don't you think I am suffering already enough? Don't you have any compassion? I know all this is all my fault, but I CAN'T undo what I have done, if I could I would, I just can't... Please if you do not have any positive to add just don't write anything. This is the last place I have in the earth to talk about this and to ask advise.

 

Fair enough, but you'd better toughen up. Your husband, if he stays, is going to go through some seriously pissed off phases for years to come. If you can't deal with posters on an internet forum, it's hard to see how you're going to deal with long-term episodic anger from your husband. If you don't think you can, end the marriage now.

[Zenstudent]

I've read a fair number of your posts Zen, and I fail to see how your summing up WS's, and whether they are worth fighting for, or capable of change, is any less a flame on person's not here to defend themselves. Respectfully.

This seems to be very much out of context and even unfair... I provided a fair direction for OP in my post assuming that all people, OP too, are capable of changing themselves, if they really want to.

 

I asked those who continue to flame the husband to do the same, and provide some usable guidance for OP - you didn't, instead you chose to attack me.

[aliveagain]

I hope your son isn't blaming your husband for any of this. The fact is your son has been humiliated at school and this is his attempt to save face for his father, his family and you. As I am of Italian heritage I understand this. This is your problem and you need to fix things. Protect your son, get the best lawyer you can afford. Get your family into counselling before anything else happens. Have you talked to the school board authorities about your affair, why is Other Man still teaching? Most schools have strict policies regarding teachers, students and parents specially when it comes to having sex with them. Get him out of your son's school, take action even if it causes you humiliation, lawyer up.

[Zenstudent]

I hope your son isn't blaming your husband for any of this. The fact is your son has been humiliated at school and this is his attempt to save face for his father, his family and you. As I am of Italian heritage I understand this. This is your problem and you need to fix things. Protect your son, get the best lawyer you can afford. Get your family into counselling before anything else happens. Have you talked to the school board authorities about your affair, why is Other Man still teaching? Most schools have strict policies regarding teachers, students and parents specially when it comes to having sex with them. Get him out of your son's school, take action even if it causes you humiliation, lawyer up.

This is sound advice, his job may be at stake and could be used as a bargain chip.

[italianjob]

I hope your son isn't blaming your husband for any of this. The fact is your son has been humiliated at school and this is his attempt to save face for his father, his family and you. As I am of Italian heritage I understand this. This is your problem and you need to fix things. Protect your son, get the best lawyer you can afford. Get your family into counselling before anything else happens. Have you talked to the school board authorities about your affair, why is Other Man still teaching? Most schools have strict policies regarding teachers, students and parents specially when it comes to having sex with them. Get him out of your son's school, take action even if it causes you humiliation, lawyer up.

 

Yes, I agree, your family should consult a lawyer, maybe you already have one, since you run a business.

If you were living in the US, from what I've heard, the teacher would have been fired already, since he's affair with you caused a big scandal in the community, but I don't know if he actually risks his job in your country.

[italianjob]

I really admire your husband for the way he handled the situation.

If I had to meet face to face with the man who screwed my wife for 2 years and now wanted to press charges on my son, I guess I'd probably end up in jail... (and he would spend a lot of time at the hospital...)

[Raven3321]

LIH,

 

The good news is really, really, good. The bad news isn't as bad as you think it is. Because he's your child and he's in trouble, and because you're indirectly the cause of it, it "seems" worse than it really is. The OM won't press charges, trust me. Everyone knows why the kid did it including the OM. The OM knows how he would be perceived if he presses charges against a kid especially since the motive is so clear. He doesn't want that kind of press and he doesn't want the school district getting any more involved than they already are in his life.

 

Please, whatever you do, let your husband handle this as much as possible. Stay out of your son's face for right now. Boys at his age don't listen to their mothers anyway, let alone after what transpired. Give him time. As hard as it is, the only way back to your son's heart is your treatment of your husband. He's not just angry at the backlash he's received at school but also the pain he sees in his father. Do whatever it takes to be the wife you should be. Your husband, if he doesn't leave, will eventually relent. This will get better eventually I promise you......but that said, it may be years before it does.

 

Honestly, this is bad enough that I would consider moving the entire family if at all possible. I know this has been brought up but I'll chime in too. A move would be best in this situation. More so for the kids than the parents. As ludicrous as this may sound, if all of you can't move, it may make sense to send the kids to stay at a relatives until they graduate. That would be bad for you but being a child in this environment will bring out things in their adult lives you don't want for them. As has been stated already, I'm remembering the poster who was 15 and came home with the family to find the mom upstairs being "pleasured" by a neighborhood kid. He never forgave his mother to her dying day. What was even more troubling was the same things started happening in his and his siblings' adult lifes. This same guy in the midst of writing about what his mom did, found out his wife was doing the same thing!! And if memory serves me correctly, a few of his siblings were cheating/cheated on too.

 

My point is this cycle needs to be broken. You need a fresh start somewhere else. It's that important.

 

On another note, how are you doing? How are you taking care of you? I know your choices have caused a firestorm in your life but you still need to take care of yourself. What you did was bad but God still loves you. He hasn't given up on you so don't you give up on yourself. We've all made mistakes. I was cheated on severly years ago so I know how that feels. But although I haven't cheated myself, I've sorely wanted too. I think most of us have. My point is don't beat yourself up too much. Everyone has something their ashamed of. Yours is simply more public than most. And if no one else will listen to you, we'll listen to you. Keep coming here.

[kingofhill]

Livin,

 

I told you in my earlier post to work really hard to mend your relationship with your children, because believe it or not, I am not really surprised that your son took the matter in his own hands ( attacking the teacher), because your son no longer saw him as his teacher, but somebody who screwed his mom, and destroy his dad's reputation.

 

My suggestion for you is to show them where your loyalty lies in this ordeal. Always defend your husband and your children to your family, to your community, and especially to your OM. Their healing process is more important than yours for the moment.

 

Why did you even let your husband talk to your AP to not pressing charges against your son? Why didn't you do it ( while your husband is present of course). If your AP is man enough, he should have known that his affair with you will bite his a$$ back and should take it like a champ.

 

Go to school board and explain why your son did what he did? Be proactive, don't just cry and do nothing about this. Show your family that you can take the beating from everywhere, but you will still fight for them and with them, because you really LOVE your family.

 

Show them your LOVE, even you end up with bloody nose (figuratively)

[Bryanp]

I also greatly admire how your husband has handled all of these horrible events. Your husband is a very special decent man who clearly loves his family a great deal. Why is it that we truly never appreciate things until they are lost? I wish you the best.