Living in hell

[livinginhell]

Thank you for your answers, most of them are really helpful and believe it or not when you are totally alone in your own home you need to see the light somewhere so thank you!

My son has been expelled from the school for two weeks but OM will not be pressing charges. When my son and his two friends (who also have been expelled) come back to school they three will come back to other class where they will only see this teacher 4 hours a week.(He is the only teacher of computer science in the school).

To answer those who ask me why did I not talk to the teacher myself, well when I got the phone call from the school I went to our company and I explained the situation to my husband and I asked him how we could approach this issue he told me that "we" would not approach anything, that I had done already enough in this scenario and that he would be the one to solve it. I just allowed him to do what it was his preference in this topic and I don't think he would have liked me talking to the OM while he was there, it would have been seen as if he could not confront the situation by himself.

 

Unfortunately as per today my sister in law (my husband's little sister) is taking charge of our house, she will be cooking and washing my husband cloths. I don't know if any of you have any experience with this but my husband has burned all his clothes and bought new ones and he takes up to 5 showers a day. He doesn't want me to touch anything that belongs to him (his cloths or anything that he is going to touch after) at the beginning I thought he wanted to let clear what he felt for me but now I am really beginning to worry for him. My sister in law and I were always like sisters and she is still behaving nice towards me but I can see that things are different now and I notice that she is very upset. I love my sister in law but I can only see this move in a negative way as it let me with almost nothing to do during my day and it makes me feel even more useless. I tried to talk to my husband and I told him the house was my responsibility, I guess it was the wrong argument as he asked me if it was also part of my "responsibilities" to screw my son's teacher, I didn't know what to say to that. Every time I try to talk to him he use one of this sentences that totally cut all the communication as I do not have any answer for them. Do you have experience with this? How do you build a communication line when someone will end up using everything that you say against you?

[Zenstudent]

Sounds a bit over the top, but he's clearly hurt, like all of us were (well most at least) a period of time after d-day.

 

Like I said earlier, you can't control his behaviour, only your own. So, apologize, apologize... you get the idea. Tell him you're sorry and will do all you can, everything in your power to make it right, if that's the case. Read about how it feels to be betrayed and let him know that you understand that he feels X,Y,Z.

 

That would go a long way, but just don't expect it to be over soon.

[janedoe67]

I agree. Apologize, be remorseful, be humble.

 

BUT do not accept emotional, verbal, or physical abuse. If the first 2 happen, leave the room quietly. If the third happens, call the police.

[livinginhell]

I agree. Apologize, be remorseful, be humble.

 

BUT do not accept emotional, verbal, or physical abuse. If the first 2 happen, leave the room quietly. If the third happens, call the police.

 

My husband would never physically abuse me, he is just not capable of such thing.

I usually do not get just any attention at all, sometimes it feels like if I am not at home at all, they three ignore me and walk through the room where I am exactly in the same way as I would not be there.

 

I do not have the chance to apologize, they don't give me that chance, they don't want me to talk to them or to tell them how sorry I am.

 

When I try to look for some contact I only get sort sentences that will always end up referring about what I have done and how much I have hurt them and that they don't want anything to do with me. It is not much that I can't do when they are totally closed for any kind of communication. So I guess if I get out of the room or not would not be very much noticed as they already are ignoring me anyway.

[Raven3321]

Thank you for your answers, most of them are really helpful and believe it or not when you are totally alone in your own home you need to see the light somewhere so thank you!

My son has been expelled from the school for two weeks but OM will not be pressing charges. When my son and his two friends (who also have been expelled) come back to school they three will come back to other class where they will only see this teacher 4 hours a week.(He is the only teacher of computer science in the school).

To answer those who ask me why did I not talk to the teacher myself, well when I got the phone call from the school I went to our company and I explained the situation to my husband and I asked him how we could approach this issue he told me that "we" would not approach anything, that I had done already enough in this scenario and that he would be the one to solve it. I just allowed him to do what it was his preference in this topic and I don't think he would have liked me talking to the OM while he was there, it would have been seen as if he could not confront the situation by himself.

 

Unfortunately as per today my sister in law (my husband's little sister) is taking charge of our house, she will be cooking and washing my husband cloths. I don't know if any of you have any experience with this but my husband has burned all his clothes and bought new ones and he takes up to 5 showers a day. He doesn't want me to touch anything that belongs to him (his cloths or anything that he is going to touch after) at the beginning I thought he wanted to let clear what he felt for me but now I am really beginning to worry for him. My sister in law and I were always like sisters and she is still behaving nice towards me but I can see that things are different now and I notice that she is very upset. I love my sister in law but I can only see this move in a negative way as it let me with almost nothing to do during my day and it makes me feel even more useless. I tried to talk to my husband and I told him the house was my responsibility, I guess it was the wrong argument as he asked me if it was also part of my "responsibilities" to screw my son's teacher, I didn't know what to say to that. Every time I try to talk to him he use one of this sentences that totally cut all the communication as I do not have any answer for them. Do you have experience with this? How do you build a communication line when someone will end up using everything that you say against you?

 

Living,

 

Do this.

 

First, you were caught; you didn't offer a confession. If you hadn't been caught most likely you would still be doing it. The reason I brought it up is repentance and remorse. Your husband has seen none of these from you. I know you've been trying so don't get me wrong. What I'm saying is he doesn't know (or care at this point) if it's genuine yet. Your attitude should be I'm genuinely sorry and I'll do whatever it takes to make it right......no matter how long it takes or even if he divorces me. Some of these things may have already been suggested or done so bear with me. Write down a timeline of the affair; how it started, what led you to do it, etc. Next write a detailed account of the affair itself.i.e., how many times, where it took place, what you did, etc. Next, write out a No Contact Letter or email. I would write out a letter to your husband on what he means to you and how deeply you're sorry for hurting him. Don't bring up problems in the marriage or anything else including the kids. Just him. Finally, start journaling. Write down you feelings and experiences from this point forward. It will help you to write it all out. The things that I've suggested, except for the journal are things your husband may need/want down the road. It helps to have them available. One word of caution; the description of the affair should be comprehensive but come with a warning. Once he reads what happened, it may do more harm than good. But give him the option of knowing anyway.

 

Second. Give your sister in law run of the house and don't interfere. That having been said, begin to connect with her. She's upset understably. You hurt, badly hurt her brother and embarrassed the family. Still, you should try to connect with her. Cook something for her or take her to lunch. This is not to white wash what you've done, but simply for her to ask her questions, get out her anger, etc. Connecting with her will make you seem less of a monster and more human. She will still not like what you did, but it may help to have a female voice in the house that at least understands what you're going through. She may be able to be a voice to your husband. She may be able to talk to him since you can't.

 

Go to counseling if you haven't already. You need to find out what's really going on with you. He won't go but that's typical for us men. You probably had to drag him to the doctor's even before this fiasco. While I'm on the subject, take some time out to laugh. I know how crazy this sounds but you need to take a break sometime from this depressed situation. You see a comedy or do something that makes you laugh or smile. Don't do this in front of your husband though as it will be perceived as mocking his pain.

 

Finally, pray. As I've said before, God isn't done with this situation yet. Even if you divorce, He still has a plan for you. Pray for your husband. Pray for the kids. Pray that forgiveness will come. The prayers will also server to keep you centered so you don't despair. You have a lot of work cut out for you, but you can do it.

[Bryanp]

Maybe you should write letters to your husband explaining your regret and remorse.

 

I believe what your husband is doing is way over the top. His acting that you are a ghost is wrong and taking 5 showers a day indicates that he is desperately in need of therapy for himself. I honestly do not know how you can exist in such a hostile environment. Religion or not I think you should seriously consider divorce and letting the both of you move on with your life.

[thummper]

Living knows that she made a horrible choice in having an affair. She never thought anyone would know about it, but now she's facing the reality of what she's done. Her remorse is almost heartbreaking because I think she's realizing that life, for her will NEVER be the same. She's lost the love and respect not only of her husband, but also her children. She's begged us for some advice that might help her. Whether or not such advice would work, I really draw the line in kicking someone when they're down and defenseless.

[Hope Shimmers]

I believe what your husband is doing is way over the top. His acting that you are a ghost is wrong and taking 5 showers a day indicates that he is desperately in need of therapy for himself. I honestly do not know how you can exist in such a hostile environment.

 

After reading your most recent posts I agree with this. He destroyed all his clothes and now is taking at least 5 showers a day? I get that he's hurt, but there is something very wrong with him beyond that.

 

You made a mistake but you don't deserve to be treated like an axe murderer.

[atreides]

Unfortunately as per today my sister in law (my husband's little sister) is taking charge of our house, she will be cooking and washing my husband cloths. I don't know if any of you have any experience with this but my husband has burned all his clothes and bought new ones and he takes up to 5 showers a day.

 

 

What a cluster F...

 

Beyond the A you had, this dude needs some serious, serious help... that would totally creep out. The sad thing is, you guys are frozen, you cant R, you cant leave, you cant D... i suppose it goes in line with the Catholic faith of purgatory.

 

How can you heal if he needs help beyond the A, he has deep issues to drive him to the compulsive behaviors he is exhibiting?

 

The only thing you have on your side is time and patience.

[Man Mountain Makino]

I don't know if any of you have any experience with this but my husband has burned all his clothes and bought new ones and he takes up to 5 showers a day. He doesn't want me to touch anything that belongs to him (his cloths or anything that he is going to touch after) at the beginning I thought he wanted to let clear what he felt for me but now I am really beginning to worry for him.

At this early stage I don't think this is that alarming. It's most likely the subconscious acting out.

 

You made a complete fool out of him for almost two years. You lied every moment of every day during that period. All the while he was working hard to support you and your children. He's repulsed by you and your actions and he's trying to rid himself of every trace of you. That's why he's bathing so much - a compulsion to make himself clean of you. This likely won't last.

 

Burning his old clothes is probably because they remind him of you. Maybe you helped pick them out for him. In any event, he doesn't want to be reminded so he got rid of them.

 

I'm honestly not very hopeful he will come around. I think you just did too much for too long.

[thummper]

He burned his clothes??? Takes up to five showers a day??? Seriously?What's he doing? Has Living's affair caused some kind of mental breakdown or what? Sounds like he, along with her, needs some BIG TIME counseling not only to deal with whatever demons are troubling him, but also with the fate of their marriage. I've said it before, infidelity can destroy so many things!

[Man Mountain Makino]

He burned his clothes??? Takes up to five showers a day??? Seriously?What's he doing? Has Living's affair caused some kind of mental breakdown or what? Sounds like he, along with her, needs some BIG TIME counseling not only to deal with whatever demons are troubling him, but also with the fate of their marriage. I've said it before, infidelity can destroy so many things!

Don't jump the gun on that. If it continues I'd be concerned. Right now he is just cleaning himself of her. It's unusual, sure, but sometimes unusual situations make for unusual reactions.

[waterwoman]

Maybe this extreme reaction isn't such a bad thing. He hasn't hurt you, hurt anyone else, done any expensive damage. he is expressing his hurt and confusion in a way that makes sense to him. It may well pass.

 

I was unbeleivably calm no dday. It's the way i was brought up, to keep calm, to talk sensibly, to not lash out, it's also one of the reasons I suffer from depression, internalising pain. I wanted to smash things, to scream obscenities. But I didn't . All that poison just festered and I am sure it's taken it's toll. Not a bad thing to express emotions forcibly if that is how you feel them.

[Artie Lang]

the only advice i have- other than divorce -is that only time and patience will determine your family's fate.

[janedoe67]

Maybe this extreme reaction isn't such a bad thing. He hasn't hurt you, hurt anyone else, done any expensive damage. he is expressing his hurt and confusion in a way that makes sense to him. It may well pass.

 

I was unbeleivably calm no dday. It's the way i was brought up, to keep calm, to talk sensibly, to not lash out, it's also one of the reasons I suffer from depression, internalising pain. I wanted to smash things, to scream obscenities. But I didn't . All that poison just festered and I am sure it's taken it's toll. Not a bad thing to express emotions forcibly if that is how you feel them.

 

Except for the bolder part, I see a lot of good stuff in this post.

[whatatangledweb]

I know you are hurting but this will not fix overnight. You can not push your kids or husband into forgiving you. My husband's mother had an affair with their swim coach. The other kids teased and tormented them with this. They quit the team because of it but their mother contined the affair and "helping the coach. This happened on a small base overseas. The commanding officer of the base called his dad into his office because of it. They had to leave that base and come back to the states. She blamed his dad for pulled her away from her soulmate. His father tried to fix the marriage because of the kids. She decided to divorce. Two of the boys have never forgiven her while the other two did. To this day almost forty years later they have never regained their respect for her.

 

Now she didn't tried to help them at all. What my husband felt was ashamed and embarrassed and mad at her for hurting his dad. They blamed her for destroying their family. Maybe if she had let some time go by and apologized it may have changed the way they view her.

 

Pushing right now to tell them how sorry you are is going to fall on deaf ears. They are hurting, mad and embarrassed. They don't want to hear it. I know you want to fix it but it has to be done slowly. The son who caught you will have the most emotions to deal with out of your two kids.

 

You will have to give them time. Unfortunately we can not always fix something we have broken.

 

Why was this teacher not fired?

[seekingpeaceinlove]

I wouldn't call a 20 month continuations affair with her son's teacher, ending only because she was outed, a "mistake." She would've kept going if no one found out. Her only mistake, it seems, was not being better at covering her tracks.

 

She was wrong and now she sees the repercussions of her choices.

 

Her only choice at this point is to do A TON of self-reflecting and try to salvage her relationship with her children. This will take time.

 

Leave your husband alone at this point but don't accept abuse. As another posted, let your sister in law take care of the house and be humble. Focus on loving your children and trying to repair the relationship with them. Don't give up on them.

 

 

I'll refrain from commenting on the double standard of religion, affairs, etc.

 

You made a huge mistake and it seems you want to fix it. Given everything you have said, I think you should stay in your marriage for now, if for no other reason than because you need the best chance of re-establishing a relationship with your kids. Put your marriage on the back burner for now in terms of trying to fix it, except for reaffirming that you want to reconcile and that you are sorry and remorseful, etc. But don't push your husband right now. In time some of this will die down and you may have your chance then, but if you leave now then that's gone. Your husband is understandably very hurt but he didn't react very well either.

 

Both of you married VERY young (you in particular) and some of this was just complete inexperience with relationships in general. It's not an excuse, but it's understandable in some ways. You have learned a very hard lesson but if you stick out the test of time with the husband and kids, maybe things will eventually work out for you. At least your husband is talking to you in a somewhat rational frame of mind now. It takes a really long time to recover from that hurt, especially with the small town and how he feels publicly humiliated, etc. (your kids too).

 

You made a huge mistake and error in judgment - but you are a human being and we make mistakes - you can't change the past, just what you do from here on out.

Edited April 4, 2014 by seekingpeaceinlove

[Spectre]

The best thing you can do is divorce this man. Set him free if you care for him. I really do not see any chance that your husband will forgive you for what you did. It is an unfortunate situation, but then..it is of your own making so I don't feel too badly. I feel sorry for the kids more then anyone else, nobody ever thinks of the kids when they do this, only about themselves. It's only after they see everything on fire that they decide they want to put that fire out.

 

Hopefully one day your children will calm down and forgive you, but the ship has sailed when it comes to your marriage I'm afraid.

Edited April 4, 2014 by Spectre

[aliveagain]

Livinginhell could you please clarify, was your affair 2 years ago and only discovered by your son 4 months ago, (if so how long was your affair?) or was your affair with your son's teacher ongoing for two years until your son's discovery? Again I need to ask, why is your affair partner still teaching when he has been exposed for his affair with a students mother? Have you gone to the school board? Who pursued who? How did it start? How did it end if it wasn't because of exposure?

 

Your husband is in trauma, he is behaving like a person in great duress. He is wiping you out of his life like he must be thinking you did with him by your affair. He is step by step divorcing you from the family yet he hasn't asked you to leave. This is his conflict, he still loves you but doesn't know how to deal with the pain your affair has caused him and shame it has brought into your home. At some point you will need to decide if the marriage is even fixable.

 

You can't stay in the same house with that kind of living environment. You need to start the process of getting professional help for everyone. You can't force him to get help, you can only ask him what he needs from you so you can make him feel safe again. Forgiveness is earned and you earn it by your actions, doing nothing is the worst thing you can do. You need to show them you will do anything to save the marriage, the family and that he isn't your second choice. Give him an answer as to why you did this.

[road]

Livinginhell could you please clarify, was your affair 2 years ago and only discovered by your son 4 months ago, (if so how long was your affair?) or was your affair with your son's teacher ongoing for two years until your son's discovery?

 

 

 

How did your son catch you?

 

 

Does the school administration know about the affair?

[waterwoman]

Except for the bolder part, I see a lot of good stuff in this post.

 

I meant physically. He hasn't physically hurt her.

[italianjob]

To answer some people question about how my son found out about my affair, there were already various rumors about me having an affair with the teacher (I didn't know that) and some other students have told my son so he followed me and saw me making out with the teacher in the car (Thanks God we were not having sex).

 

At this moment I am not willing to give up on my husband and children, I know I have destroyed everything I had and that I may need to work everything from zero but these three guys are the only thing I have in this world and I will fight for them till the end. Divorce it is definitely not an option from my side either as if I divorce him my children will choose for him and I will lose them for ever, only the thought of it destroys my soul.

I know I was being selfish but I was naive too, I thought I would not hurt anyone if they would not find out, it was never my intention to hurt them!

I offered my husband all the clarity and openness that he may need but he doesn't want to talk about my affair at all, he says he doesn't care anymore and that if I want I can go with whom ever I want but that I should never expect him back in my bed because only the thought was repulsive. He kept emphasizing how repulsive, repugnant and disgusting any physical contact with me is and the knowledge that he probably kissed me after I had been having sex with the OM. This thought never came to me when that happened but I can understand how he finds that disturbing.

 

I think the OP already answered the question about how she was discovered in this post. It's also quite clear that the affair started two years ago and ended when she got caught.

I also think that, if the explanation in the second bolded sentence is what she offered to her family, it actually made things worse. I don't read any true remorse there, just sorrow about getting caught and that she went about it with a carelessness that's heartbreaking for her family, considering how long the affair was, how predictable the consequences were and how high the chances of getting caught (being this a small town).

 

I don't know about the teacher still teaching, I know it would be unbelievable in North America, but I wonder if it would be the same in Argentina. Where I live, for example, he would be in trouble only if something happened in the school building or at a time when he should have been at work (given that the woman was not underage and gave her consent).

[Spectre]

I don't see any true remorse either, it's disgusting. This poor kid had to find out via being told by other students. I can't even imagine someone could have so much disrespect for their children.

[Hope Shimmers]

I wouldn't call a 20 month continuations affair with her son's teacher, ending only because she was outed, a "mistake." She would've kept going if no one found out. Her only mistake, it seems, was not being better at covering her tracks.

 

She was wrong and now she sees the repercussions of her choices.

 

Isn't that the definition of a mistake? Being wrong and now seeing the repercussions of the choices?

 

As for remorse, not sure what people are looking for, but she has said several times that she wishes she could un-do it, hates what she has done, etc.

 

Sorry, but I disagree that her only mistake was not covering her tracks better.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

I would like to point out that since it was one of your kid that found out about your affair, I would encourage you to work really hard to mend your relationship with your children ( not to say that your husband's feeling is not equally important).I've seen here in LS and other forum where children take their mom's betrayal harder than the husband does.

 

It's not my attention to scare you, but I think the story below would describe how a child perceive cheating act of his/her mom or dad. Granted, the situation is quite from different from yours, but the common denominators are still there. I hope moderator is ok if i put a post from other forum here in LS.

 

 

 

my mom cheated on my dad when I was 15...dad, myself, younger bro and sis were out, got home earyl...came in house and heard sounds...I knew what it was, dad told me to take siblings in back yard and play, he ran upstairs...I stupidly stayed put

 

neighbor kid, 18-20 ish came running down half naked being chased by dad, mom was behind him also half naked and SCREAMING at my dad to let him leave...when the saw us, they all stopped and the neighbor left...later parents had a sit down and tried to explain it, but I knew what was going on

 

weeks later, dad sleeping in couch, another sit down to announce the divorce...I overheard them talk and she demanded dad move out...to say I was furious was the understatement of the century

 

My mom came to me, and I got in her face in front of the family and screamed "dirty ****ing *****"...she ran off crying and dad whooped my ass...next time she tried, I did it again, she slapped me this time and dad whooped my ass...I got slapped and spanked alot over the next few months for how I treated my mom...my dad FINALLY told her (i learned from my siblings) that he could NOT hit me anymore, that she made her bed and her relationship with me was between her and me

 

I told her that if she made dad move out, I was going with him or I would run away...to prove it I DID run away, stayed in my friends house for a week...cops were called, everyone looking....I came home on my own and privately told my mom "this is what your life will be like if you make dad move out, YOU LEAVE"...they eventually agreed that she would move out and she got an apartment...my dad came to me one last time to ask me to try and get along with my mom, I told him "mom is dead, she dies when she took her clothes off for the neighbor...that woman is NOT my mom"...my dad NEVER EVER tried to intervene with my relationship with "her" again...siblings continued to and tried to get him to but he couldnt anymore, it was her problem, and mine

 

over the years I ignored "her" and refused any and all interaction...graduation parties, she did NOT come to mine, but came to siblings, I went into neighbors yard and hid until her car left, she never stayed long...

 

she was NOT invited to my wedding, and siblings weddings again I would leave AND took my kids with me, my wife had limited interaction but knew if I EVER found out she had a relationship with "her" or sent "her" pics or info on the kids, Id divorce her...my siblings kept her filled in

 

"She" showed up to my dads funeral "he died of colon cancer" and I made a HUGE scene, told her to get the f out...I felt bad for the first time as it really hurt the siblings

 

"she" never remarried and apparently pined away for my dad, spent the rest of her life trying to get him back, but he was done,,,he had SEEN her with this kid (my dad was a big burly blue collar guy, this neighbor kid moved away shortly after and we never saw him again)

 

we the kids NEVER found out why it happened, or saw ANY problems in the marriage...we to this day have NO idea what happened...my guess is my mom simply was curious and horny...liked the young kids attentions (she was mid 40's)

 

"she" died a month ago...I did NOT go to the funeral and since the kids never knew "her" they didnt either...my wife sent flowers and I just pretended not to know

 

my siblings and I have had a rough month, they are mad at me...they NEVER got to be mad at her, or tell her off, or punish her as they were always trying to comfort her because I kept her put of my life...I was ALL she ever talked about and all she wanted was to renew some kind of relationship, anything...and I flatly refused...my sibs never told me this before as I would NOT allow it, but after "she" died, we had the conversations

 

I have been in counseling since, because I do NOT feel bad at all...I dont feel ANYTHING...and thats not healthy I guess...I am usually a very emotional and loving person, but there was not one second in the past 30+ years where I could even consider forgiving her...she destroyed our family, a VERY CLOSE family...

 

my dad remarried a wonderful women when i was 23...she didnt try to be a mom, well she did to me as I technically didnt have a mom (wouldnt is a better word, I refused contact)...but she was a good friend to my sibs...her and I are still very close, dads been gone for 2 years

 

I hope you have had some intense psychotherapy. Seriously. Wow.

 

Before you get upset with me, understand that I have been in your shoes.

 

My mother cheated on my dad and yes I was angry with her for a long time. In fact, I am the one who overheard her phone call with the jerk and found out about the affair.

 

I was angry for a long time. I know that She knew she did wrong. I forgave her. My dad forgave her too. They did not remarry, but went on to live their lives.

 

She died a year ago. I mourn her still.

 

Your response for so many many years is not normal at all. The anger is normal, at first. But not for 30 yrs. Your dad could be decent and HE was the one she ****ed around on. And honestly, you do not know the total story about their marriage either.

 

To threaten to divorce your wife over contact with her? Wth? That is crazy.

 

I feel sorry for you. I hope your mother has some peace at last. And you too.

 

I hope you never make one of your kids angry and they treat you like **** for 30 yrs. Good luck.