Living in hell

[excusememister]

How do you build a communication line when someone will end up using everything that you say against you?

 

IMO, OP seems remorseful and truly sorry for what she did and she is seeing and living with the repercussions of such.

 

I completely understand the " when someone end up using everything that you say against you". When my WH tried to say "good morning" to me, I would use that against him and attack him and say the most crude things to him. I didn't give him a chance to communicate or talk. Sounds like OP's family is treating her the same way; instead of screaming and swearing like I did, they are giving her the silent treatment and refusing her the opportunity to be heard.

 

I think she is asking a very sincere question "how do you build a communication line when someone will end up using everything that you say against "?

 

Seems like she is in need of answers to this question instead of further denigration.

[janedoe67]

I meant physically. He hasn't physically hurt her.

 

And her A didn't physically hurt him. Does that make it less painful?

[janedoe67]

 

They probably aren't actually denegrating her, but are spinning out the continued denegration of their own spouses or parents.

[italianjob]

I think the OP already answered the question about how she was discovered in this post. It's also quite clear that the affair started two years ago and ended when she got caught.

I also think that, if the explanation in the second bolded sentence is what she offered to her family, it actually made things worse. I don't read any true remorse there, just sorrow about getting caught and that she went about it with a carelessness that's heartbreaking for her family, considering how long the affair was, how predictable the consequences were and how high the chances of getting caught (being this a small town).

 

I don't know about the teacher still teaching, I know it would be unbelievable in North America, but I wonder if it would be the same in Argentina. Where I live, for example, he would be in trouble only if something happened in the school building or at a time when he should have been at work (given that the woman was not underage and gave her consent).

 

Maybe I wasn't able to express clearly what I meant (I'm sorry, I'm not using my native language). I didn't mean to say that the OP isn't sorry or remorseful, but when it comes to explain her A the only sentence I found was the one stating "I thought I would not hurt anyone if they would not find out, it was never my intention to hurt them". My point is: if she said that to her beloved ones, it may have done more harm than good, because this doesn't sound remorseful at all.

The A went on for two years, either she was truly in love with the OP or she'll have to come up with something better. With that length of time involved, not thinking clearly is a quite weak explanation, IMO.

If I was the husband and she started her apology with those words, I wouldn't want to hear any more, either.

Edited April 5, 2014 by italianjob

[waterwoman]

And her A didn't physically hurt him. Does that make it less painful?

 

Now I'm confused. I was talking about the burning clothes and constant showering which some posters think is weird. Some bs resort to physical violence so IMO this is not a dangerous reaction in comparison to something like that.

[livinginhell]

Ok, I have some interesting developments and I see I need to answer some questions so I will begin with the answers.

Yes, my affair was for 21 months up till the moment my son found out. I saw OM a total of 29 times and they all ended up with the both of us having sex (which was the only purpose of my affair, I never felt any kind of attachment or romantic feeling for that man). I know these details are very important but I want to clarify that my husband doesn't know anything about my affair besides the fact that I had an affair. I had tried many times to talk with him but he doesn't want to hear anything about it, not the what, not the how, not the where and not even the why. He only knows my son cached me making out with the teacher and he never questioned me on the extend of the affair, I guess in the future if we get to open a communication line all these details will become crucial and then I will ask how do I need to approach to the disclose of them but at this moment I have not had the possibility to talk about this with my husband at all.

I also need to explain that in Argentina the teachers are public employees and they need to do something very extreme (like raping a child or something like that) to lose their job. There is no chance that OM will be losing his job over this but he is in a difficult position in the town because people here love my husband and he is as isolated or more than I am at this moment.

For those who think I am not remorseful or sorry for what I have done I can only say that I have wished I was never born so my husband and children would not have to endure the pain they are having at this moment. I feel the most disgusting and small thing in the world and I know I don't deserve to even breath the same air they do. I wish I could take it all back, I wish I could undo the last two years of my life but I just can't. I can't go back in time, the only option that I have is to move on and try to make my family a happy family again, I understand it won't be the same, I know they will never see me in the same way but if I could find a way we all could pass through this I would do anything to get there.

I have been going to therapy from the dday and I think it has helped me to understand myself better, yesterday discussing with my therapist we got to the conclusion that it was the risk what I was seeking rather than the sex, since I was 16 I was always in the capable hands of my husband, he always ensured a high level of security and safety for me and for the family and somehow I needed some kind of adventure and risk and that risk is what I was getting by seeing the OM. I don't know if that makes sense to any of you but it does really make sense to me.

 

I have taken the advise of someone here in the forum and I have wrote a letter to my husband, I don't know if he has read it or not but in that letter I have tried to transmit him how desperately sorry I am for what I have done, that he has all the right to be mad at me and that I will wait as long as he needs for him because he is the person I love most in this world. I hope he will at least read my letter but I think there are many chances that he will destroy it without reading it.

 

I find my sister in law being at home a very positive thing, she is sweet towards me and although she doesn't want us to talk about the affair (she says that we will get to talk about it but that it is still to painful for her) I haven't felt alone for a while and that was very nice for a change. She also has told me that my husband asked her to be kind to me and I find that very positive.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hi Living,

 

To quote part of your post: "For those who think I am not remorseful or sorry for what I have done I can only say that I have wished I was never born so my husband and children would not have to endure the pain they are having at this moment. I feel the most disgusting and small thing in the world and I know I don't deserve to even breath the same air they do. I wish I could take it all back, I wish I could undo the last two years of my life but I just can't. I can't go back in time, the only option that I have is to move on and try to make my family a happy family again, I understand it won't be the same, I know they will never see me in the same way but if I could find a way we all could pass through this I would do anything to get there."

 

You don't need to say anything else. It was clear before that you are remorseful (not that you have to be 'remorseful' or prove anything to us just to post here; it's not a requirement). Certainly you don't have to commit hari-kari or something in order to convince people either.

 

I'm glad things are moving along. I hope you will keep doing the best you can at home, and keep posting. I really do feel like your husband will come around if you stay around.

[italianjob]

Hi living,

I'm sure you feel remorseful and the explanation surfaced in the IC is a better starting point than the words you used before. In those words it looked like you were very sorry for the consequences but didn't really consider wrongdoing on your part the act itself of cheating. That's why I said I didn't read any remorse into it, regret, sure, but not remorse.

I had a feeling that in Argentina was more or less the same thing as where I live about the teacher losing his job.

The only thing I still have trouble grasping, and I think it's important for you to sort out, and maybe you could still find answers in IC, is how could it go on for so long. If you didn't have feelings for the man, the "thrill of risk" alone is a bit too little to explain the duration of the affair.

Also, how could it never cross your mind that dragging this thing for so long in a small town like yours would sooner or later lead to being caught.

I think it's important that you can find the answers before you eventually get to be heard by your husband and family about it.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hi living,

I'm sure you feel remorseful and the explanation surfaced in the IC is a better starting point than the words you used before. In those words it looked like you were very sorry for the consequences but didn't really consider wrongdoing on your part the act itself of cheating. That's why I said I didn't read any remorse into it, regret, sure, but not remorse.

I had a feeling that in Argentina was more or less the same thing as where I live about the teacher losing his job.

The only thing I still have trouble grasping, and I think it's important for you to sort out, and maybe you could still find answers in IC, is how could it go on for so long. If you didn't have feelings for the man, the "thrill of risk" alone is a bit too little to explain the duration of the affair.

Also, how could it never cross your mind that dragging this thing for so long in a small town like yours would sooner or later lead to being caught.

I think it's important that you can find the answers before you eventually get to be heard by your husband and family about it.

 

Sorry to disagree with you, but this is not what the OP asked in her post. She doesn't have to be remorseful for anyone here (although she is, in my opinion). She owes no one here any explanations as to how long her affair went on. Her questions are just as legitimate as anyone's here and she should not have to answer all these questions and defend them to get responses to her original post.

Edited April 5, 2014 by Hope Shimmers

[italianjob]

Sorry to disagree with you, but this is not what the OP asked in her post. She doesn't have to be remorseful for anyone (although she is, in my opinion). She owes no one explanations as to how long her affair went on. Her questions are just as legitimate as anyone's here and she should not have to answer all these questions and defend them to get responses.

 

Sure, she don't owe us anything, I agree, but I think the OP is seeking advice and support to try and recover, at least in part, her relationship with her family. Her family needs to feel her remorsefulness, not the posters here. But the feedback from the posters here could be helpful for her to understand what her family could "read" in her words, if she gets to really talk to them again IMO.

[road]

Yes, my affair was for 21 months up till the moment my son found out. I saw OM a total of 29 times and they all ended up with the both of us having sex (which was the only purpose of my affair, I never felt any kind of attachment or romantic feeling for that man). I know these details are very important but I want to clarify that my husband doesn't know anything about my affair besides the fact that I had an affair. I had tried many times to talk with him but he doesn't want to hear anything about it, not the what, not the how, not the where and not even the why.

 

 

 

You want to help your BH then you need to learn how to help your BH. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. In this book you will learn how to recover your marriage. Such as how you must be honest with your BH about the affair when he asks questions. You must never withhold details. However it is the BH that gets to control how much he hears by the questions that he asks.

 

 

Just to have that book out in your house where your BH can see it and be tempted to read it would be a great help. It can give your BH the tools to get past the affair.

[Spectre]

For those who think I am not remorseful or sorry for what I have done I can only say that I have wished I was never born so my husband and children would not have to endure the pain they are having at this moment. I feel the most disgusting and small thing in the world and I know I don't deserve to even breath the same air they do. I wish I could take it all back, I wish I could undo the last two years of my life but I just can't. I can't go back in time, the only option that I have is to move on and try to make my family a happy family again, I understand it won't be the same, I know they will never see me in the same way but if I could find a way we all could pass through this I would do anything to get there

 

You wish you could undo it all, I suppose that is nice. My mother used to say to me spit in one hand and wish in the other and see which one gets filled first.

 

Anyways, I do no wish you any ill will, but I think you have to face the fact that you have lost your husband for good. Your children are a different story, but your marriage most likely will not be saved.

[sidney2718]

I find my sister in law being at home a very positive thing, she is sweet towards me and although she doesn't want us to talk about the affair (she says that we will get to talk about it but that it is still to painful for her) I haven't felt alone for a while and that was very nice for a change. She also has told me that my husband asked her to be kind to me and I find that very positive.

 

I think it is positive. And I think that you are doing right things with regard to your marriage.

 

Human beings are able to keep several contradictory things in their minds all at once. I am sure that your husband loves you, but right now he is also VERY ANGRY at you. I think that you instinctively know this. The right path is the one that tries to keep your husband's love while at the same time trying to help him get over his anger. Only you know your husband, we don't. So you have to work out what to do each day.

 

Having your sister-in-law around is also good. Don't complain to her or criticize your husband to her in any way. And thank her for giving your family her time. She will be a good ally to have.

[Bryanp]

Almost 2 years is a pretty long time doing this in such a small tight-knit community. Were you not afraid of giving an STD to your husband? Were you not afraid of getting pregnant? Doing this time were you still intimate with your husband?

[Hope Shimmers]

Almost 2 years is a pretty long time doing this in such a small tight-knit community. Were you not afraid of giving an STD to your husband? Were you not afraid of getting pregnant? Doing this time were you still intimate with your husband?

 

How does this answer her question in any way?

[aliveagain]

All I can say as a former betrayed husband is your words mean sh*t. You never confessed and had your son not caught you getting it on with his teacher, you'd still be in your affair. This is why you have very little credibility with your husband, he feels like he's your second choice because you didn't break it off on your own. Yes your family thinks lowly of you but than again look at what you did to them for the last 2 years, you sure weren't thinking of them in fact I would say you were only thinking about yourself. Why is what they think of you so important now? There is no magic formula that will fix your problem, you spent two years creating the problem and my guess is it will take a much longer time for them to get past it. The additional problem involving your son just complicates matters. Imagine being your son and having to attend classes with the man that is banging his mother? I see how having to see this man in school everyday and the ridicule he is getting from other students could push a young man over the edge. There is nothing you can do anytime soon to fix this sh*t storm you created.

 

The only advice I can give you is stop promising to be a better mother and wife and show by your actions that you are. The only thing believable about you right now are your actions. He must love you very much to not have kicked your a$$ out onto the street. You have that going for you.

[LeGenDary_Man]

Lot of cheater-apologetics in this thread! Put yourself in the shoes of the betrayed husband and kids and then talk.

 

WW even had the spine to accuse her husband of having an affair when he wasn't. A fine example of "The Pot calling the kettle black."

 

Cheater should not be abused? OP (WW) should not be physically harmed but she isn't entitled to be treated like a princess in this kind of scenario either. OP screwed up in extremely bad fashion and she is reaping what she sow. OP is in no position to make demands for others to behave and treat her with utmost respect after what she have done.

 

OP should just focus on repairing the damage she caused to her family with her cheating. This will be a long and difficult process.

Edited April 5, 2014 by LeGenDary_Man

[janedoe67]

WW even had the spine to accuse her husband of having an affair when he wasn't. A fine example of "The Pot calling the kettle black."

 

If you are able to read rationally you will see that her BH purposely tried to make her think he WAS cheating so that she would know how it feels.

 

And there is a lot of ground in between physical abuse and being treated like a princess. Again...rational.

 

An A is wrong and dishonest and devastating and selfish and inexcusable. it is the complete responsibility of the cheater.

 

And I get it, every time a WS (ESPECIALLY a WW) posts, BS's are reminded of their own pain and their own WS's. But the whole "put the WS through the wringer and pound the spirit out of them until we deem them worthy of our disdain-laced help" thing is getting old.

[LeGenDary_Man]

If you are able to read rationally you will see that her BH purposely tried to make her think he WAS cheating so that she would know how it feels.

I know this.

 

Point is that OP isn't in the position to morally judge her husband, she shouldn't jump to conclusions about her husband's behavior when her own sanity is under question.

 

OP doesn't knows her husband well or she assumed that he is on the same moral page as her? It is very easy to differentiate 'acting' from 'reality' but this requires sane and healthy state of mind to figure out.

 

And there is a lot of ground in between physical abuse and being treated like a princess. Again...rational.

Yes.

 

But your point is?

 

An A is wrong and dishonest and devastating and selfish and inexcusable. it is the complete responsibility of the cheater.

Exactly

 

And I get it, every time a WS (ESPECIALLY a WW) posts, BS's are reminded of their own pain and their own WS's. But the whole "put the WS through the wringer and pound the spirit out of them until we deem them worthy of our disdain-laced help" thing is getting old.

1. This isn't about gender.

2. Different people react differently to cheating.

 

- We (as neutral observers) don't get to decide how people should react to cheating.

- We (as neutral observers) shouldn't try to boost the ego of cheaters by criticizing the reactions of their family members after DD (Betrayed family members are likely to lash out at cheaters for a while, this is expected response). By doing so, neutral observers end up stroking the ego of cheaters. Unfortunately, cheaters commonly attempt to rationalize their behavior by portraying their partners in bad light and some fall for this in gullible way.

 

Cheaters should think of the consequences before they engage in such activity.

 

Best advice is to request cheaters to be remorseful and try to repair the damage they have caused. But no sympathy.

Edited April 5, 2014 by LeGenDary_Man

[janedoe67]

Best advice is to request cheaters to be remorseful and try to repair the damage they have caused. But no sympathy.

 

I respect your opinion, and posit that said advice CAN be given without giving the old "projection one-two" to the WS while we are at it.

 

Notice I have not denegrated her husband. He was crushed by this, her kids have to see this POS OM regularly...What she did is 100% on her and is inexcusable.

 

However, I am fairly sure she knows that, and in my mind, the best that can be done now is to help her know how to express the remorse she feels, how to allow that remorse to spur her to ACTION and CHANGE, and prepare her for the very real possibility that her marriage will not survive while giving her tools to try to make some type of amends.

 

My point, BTW about there being a lot of ground between being physically abused and being treated like a princess was to point out that a person who cannot see the in between and jumps from one extreme to the other is not only using a fallacy of logic, he/she is also not being very rational.

[Spectre]

I also do not feel this is about a specific gender. If this was a man who did this, who had an affair with his sons teacher, I would expect just as much disgust, etc. from people. People tend to keep thinking it is women who specifically get picked on here for cheating, but it's quite rare for me to see topics here where a man is a cheater and essentially is given a free pass, or anything like that.

 

I don't think female cheaters are targeted, just cheaters in general.

[newnameforthis]

Well, lets say I have both good and bad news and both are very good and very bad.

 

 

The bad news is that my older son and two of his friends attacked yesterday their teacher (the OM). They have been temporarily spelled from the school and we are pending to hear if the OM will be pressing charges. It was ultimately humiliating having to see my husband trying to talk out the OM from pressing charges against our son. When we arrived home he cried for fist time since Dday, I think I have never seen him cry before, not even when his father passed away 3 years ago.

 

I don't know what else can happen to further destroy my life.

 

 

It would be so wonderful if people would stop for just a moment to consider the terrible harm they can bring to others with these actions. The lives and dignity of innocents dragged thru the mud.

 

What an example of the sordid, tangled web of destruction deception and betrayal can weave.

[aliveagain]

Your biggest hurdles will be proving to your husband that you married him for life and that he isn't your second choice because you ended the affair only because you were caught. He still believes you love the other man for this same reason because he won't believe you were only in it for the sex, that fact will cause immense psychological damage to his manhood, that he couldn't satisfy you and you needed another man to fulfill you. He doesn't want to touch you because he suspects you didn't use protection and to him your tainted, you gave yourself freely, you were not forced. This will continue until he re-stakes his territory, other man still has his scent on you( it's a guy thing).

 

Leave him notes in his pocket everyday telling him your sorry and that you love him and will do anything he wants to prove it to him. Take his anger, we eventually get past that stage in time. Is moving an option?

[Spectre]

I have to say I really don't think leaving notes in his pocket is going to be able to fix this situation. It's pretty much beyond fixing at this point. At this point if she keeps saying she "loves" him it is just going to sound disingenuous.

 

Since, what would it even say? "Sorry I slept with our son's teacher and destroyed everyone's lives, but I am mostly sorry I was caught"? I don't think there is any note in existence that could make this better unless it is a note that says "Dear Husband, I will grant you a divorce".

[gettingstronger]

I don't usually advocate anything like this as I am a firm believer in redemption but I think you need to step away for a bit and allow your family to heal. If you are able to move out and maintain low contact with your family that would a kind gift to all. What a mess that is spiraling out of control. Can you step back and let them sort through this for a bit ?