my bf doesnt call me -( would love a guy's perspective on this)

[suchamess]

my boyfriend is horrible on the phone...and I'm becoming more obsessive because of it

ok so when my bf and I started out, he would call me every night and during the day while I was in class he'd email me seriously 8 or 9 times a day, just little funny emails, or to say he was thinking about me, etc. I really liked this, and got used to it quickly (re: began to expect this) so if he would email me less or call me later than ususal on one day I would get kind of upset and ask him why? each time I would ask him about it, he'd get mad and would start emailing me less and calling me more sporadically....eventually the emails stopped all together and now he doesnt call me nearly as much as he used to... and seriously, about 90% of our fights start from him forgeting to call and me getting mad, we would bicker and then it would escalate into a larger fight.

 

the most common thing that would happen is that he'd say "ok, I'm going to call you tonight at 6" and then I'd wait and he wouldn't call till 11pm or so, and wouldnt even give an apology or explanation...so I would press him for reasons why he didnt call and he'd get annoyed and say I was controlling him, and began to resent calling me.

I know I've probably pushed him away from the phone, he probably wants nothing to do with it anymore b/c we fight about it so much...but I just dont understand, how when we're together he wants to spend so much time with me and is so sweet to me...but when we're apart (b/c we live in seperate cities) he doesnt want to call me and say hi, or see how I'm doing, etc.

 

he went from calling and emailing me obsessively...to completely NO EMAILS....and he barely calls....he never calls when he says he will...hoping he will return my calls is a total joke...it's like a lost cause now...

 

this has made me get so obsessive...I call him all the time just to get intouch with him (because I'm sick of waiting for his call)...othertimes, I go the complete other direction and not call him, and not even pick up when I see he's (finally) calling....just to let him see how it feels to want to get in touch with me but not be able to.

 

all of this leads to a lot of fighting- or, me flipping out on him (like my first post shows).....but I just dont know what to do anymore....getting calls from him does matter to me...but I can't talk to him at all anymore about it...we've fought about it so much already...all I can do is just either let it go, and accept that he doesnt call/email/text message me anymore....or get mad and try to change it (but its not happening)....

 

I NEED SOME ADVICE!!!!!!!!!

[seahorse]

I'd be out when he does call. Don't pick up his calls - don't answer his emails. You might say this is death to the relationship - well, I'd say, it sounds pretty dead anyway. Are you in school together? Or is this and LDR?

 

Forget him, move on.

[tigerskye]

bump...

 

you know I have your back girl

[tigerskye]

I hope thinigs work out for you! I am hoping and wishing and praying!

 

did I bump again??

 

Sorry this girl needs advice.

[Raggamuffin]

OMG your post sounds exactly like me.

 

When we first started dating, he would call me on every break he took at school, and we would IM all day long, even go on webcams sometimes for fun. Now we hardly ever talk online and I usually end up calling him before he calls me.

 

For a while it annoyed me and we would fight about it, but I've tried really hard to be patient and I realize that he is just not a phone person at all - he hates talking on the phone, he would rather be with me. I don't think it shows at all that he cares less about you, it's just different from the start of a relationship, when you ALWAYS want to be talking to your SO. By now he must be comfortable in the relationship and doesn't need to check in every 5 minutes to make sure that it's not too good to be true .

 

I know it's hard, and I STILL sometimes get frustrated when he doesn't call when he says he will.... but don't read too deeply into it.

 

Anyway that's just my humble opinion, hope it helps!!

 

Becky

[suchamess]

ugh...well I justgot off the phone with him and we had a fight about it

basically I beat around the bush for a while, but finally I went out and said it and said I wish he would call me more, and how I feel like he doesnt care about me as much anymore because he doesnt email me ever, and barely calls me...he got really mad and said he was sick of me nagging him about the phone... and said that every time we talk its like 4 hours and it all deep and heavy stuff about our relationship...and I tried to explain to him that it didnt have to be so deep and heavy or negative...I'd much rather have him call me a few times for 5 min. just to say "hi, how are you? I love you" instead of all these talks where I'm usually annoyed at him for not calling all day...and we wind up having a bad talk...he tells me that as soon as he starts seeing that our talks are getting better and he's not so stressed about the phone anymore he'll start calling more....but its like a cycle... I get upset that he doesnt call, and he doesnt call because by the time we talk, I'm upset....

so my question is...how do we ever break out of this cycle? I'm sorry, but I can't just suck it up and pretend I'm thrilled that I dont hear from him all day or maybe even two...and I dont even think its normal to not talk everyday... I guess basically I feel hurt b/c I dont think he understands me- or what I'm asking for...

at this point we're both so sick of fighting about the phone that its a really sore subject (which is why I hd to beat around the bush before coming out and saying it to him)

how will things get better? what can I do? should I just stop calling him all together... wait for him to call me when he feels like it (even though it might not be for a while?)- and the longer I do wait for his call- the harder its going to be for me to be happy on the phone... what can I do? it's like he doesnt get it...or I dont get it...or its just impossible for us to understand each other...more than anything I just want us to reach some kind of agreement/compromise naturally...because we can NOT talk about this anymore.....its just impossible

[Raggamuffin]

Hey,

 

The best advice I can give is keep yourself busy. It is hard to break out of the cycle, we were the exact same way until I consciously started keeping myself busy with the rest of my life - other friends, school, etc. Don't sit around pining for him and waiting for his call - just make your life as full as possible. My bf and I talk everyday, but sometimes it's just a quick call at night before bed. It IS ok to not talk everyday.

 

Becky

[NiCoLe20]

all you gotta tell him is the nagging will stop IF he calls more... doesnt he understand that?

[Stylin22]

Wow, I've been on the other end of this, being a guy and just by Nicole's answer I completely just understood how you guys view it. All these years and now I just got it...a shame of sorts. Do you really think that he will understand that by you calling more and morethe nagging will stop? good luck with that. He's a guy, we are just gonna go further away from the problem. And, if it continues, you run the possibility of losing him. He's gonna think, I don't need this....Why does it so much matter HOW much he calls and how many times? Are you needing constant reassurance like that? Did you get that spoiled? I mean this is how it goes...great stuff for a while and then it smoothes out and basically real life kicks in. I would say that you should get busy and not even think about it...Seriously, just respond when he does call. Don't say a word about it further...I feel like a lot of women misunderstand here...When you say something once, it's heard (it may not be acknowledged), when you say something twice...we are getting it. If you say it more...then you are nagging...I'm not being a jerk here but give 5 ways that nagging someone has helped you to a better relationship?

 

And a follow up question: If nagging does get you something, do you feel okay with that? I mean he does it not to make you happy, he does it to get you off his back...Does that make you feel good to know that? Wouldn't you rather him do things to make you happy cause he wants to, not cause you are forcing him into it? And watch this line carefully cause if he starts to build resentment, you are going to have worse problems....

 

But also understand that life doesn't happen according to your rulebook. He's got one too and it doesn't necessarily follow your idea of what it should be. Be a bit more confident and a tad less needy.

[suchamess]

pretty much everything stylin is saying, is stuff that my bf tries to get across to me...although I can perfectly understand this point of view now, its a lot harder to relate to during a fight when he's being a jerk to me and acting like he doesnt care at all...

I guess I just needed to realize that the "honeymoon" phase doesnt last forever...atfirst we were both so obsessed with each other...but now that we're not novelties in each other's lives we need to focus on life stuff.. which isn't a bad thing I guess...I mean, it's not normal to always require reassurance (I think thats just a personal issue for me) and he prob feels comfortable now so not necessary to check in all the time...

all of this stuff makes sense to me...the advice from the girls, and the perspective from the guy... I get it...I just need to change my habits/expectations...

 

thanks a lot for all your input guys

[tigerskye]

Originally posted by Stylin22

And a follow up question: If nagging does get you something, do you feel okay with that? I mean he does it not to make you happy, he does it to get you off his back...Does that make you feel good to know that? Wouldn't you rather him do things to make you happy cause he wants to, not cause you are forcing him into it? And watch this line carefully cause if he starts to build resentment, you are going to have worse problems....

 

This right here is a great point!!!!

 

I had a lot of problems wanting to get married to my bf and someone said something similiar as what stylin said and it made me realize that I want him to ask me for his own reasons not me. Same guess for suchamess.... he needs to want to call her not feel like he is expected to call her!

[li'l bunny]

I agree. You should stop nagging (I should take that advice in other areas of my life!)

 

You should have your own life and let your b/f be a part of it but not the whole thing. You need to have your own interests and friends and you'll find it alot easier to deal with stuff.

 

Someone once told me that people don't find their other halves, they have to be a whole person and find another whole person for a relationship to work. I think that's very true. And though it's difficult (very sometimes!) you are in charge of your own life so take charge.

[Stylin22]

Now you are getting it....Good Stuff. When a guy is ready to make you his life or accept you wholely into his life, he usually proposes...But understand, we are a little slower developing than you ladies...Also, when you fall into that "why isn't he doing this or that" thing, just replace it with, "well he's doing a great job of..." and no matter how slight or small it is, you have to acknowledge it. Keeps the negative thinking away...One last thing, now that you guys have a good picture of the other side, could I use you as references in upcoming relationships, this type of stuff drives me crazy....

[IceIceBaby]

I don't think her wanting a call from her boyfriend has anything to do with having separate lives, or getting a life. This has been a complaint I've had with my boyfriend. I work full time, never see him during the week because I have a long commute, go out often with friends, and generally consider my life pretty full. But I still do like to hear from him at least once during the day. It would make me crazy when a whole day or two would pass and I wouldn't hear from him. I didn't want an hour conversation. Just a quick five minute call or even an IM or email would suffice. It's just nice to know that they're thinking of you.

[Stylin22]

Yeah, I understand that...and most guys would love to be accommodating with a call to catch up but that didn't seem to be the issue. The issue was how thoughtful he was at the beginning and showering her with affection all the time. Adjusting to the lesser degrees of it. That's the issue. I mean it's great about your independence and life without all that but stay on the issue.

[IceIceBaby]

Wow, believe it or not I was trying to "stay on the issue."

[tigerskye]

Originally posted by Stylin22

Now you are getting it....Good Stuff. When a guy is ready to make you his life or accept you wholely into his life, he usually proposes...But understand, we are a little slower developing than you ladies...Also, when you fall into that "why isn't he doing this or that" thing, just replace it with, "well he's doing a great job of..." and no matter how slight or small it is, you have to acknowledge it. Keeps the negative thinking away...One last thing, now that you guys have a good picture of the other side, could I use you as references in upcoming relationships, this type of stuff drives me crazy....

 

 

Yeah whenever you need us we are here

[Ms_Sweetness]

This is true, I also had to learn to stop nagging. I went through the exact same thing. After I stopped naging my bf, he called at least once a day, it never got to where he would continuosly call all day everyday but I just kept myself busy and eventually I began to lose the urges to call so much.

[FolderWife]

suchamess...honey...you need to get a LIFE!

 

My story:

 

Boyfriend# 1. We went out every night, and talked on the phone every night. We went to lunch every day. After one month, he got burned out from seeing me all the time, and we broke up.

 

Boyfriend# 2. We were together every night (out or at my place) He either slept over, or called me every night. He got burned out, and tried to back off. I pushed and called him, and went to his house, and drove to his friends' house looking for him. He broke up with me.

 

Boyfriend# 3. We saw each other every night. We talked on the phone every night. He got burned out, and tried to back off. I would call him and go to his house looking for him. He finally broke up with me.

 

Boyfriend# 4. He lived 2 hours away. We saw each other in church on Sundays. We saw each other for lunch when he was in town on Tuesdays and Fridays. I saw him for lunch and Church on Wednesdays. That was it. I told him to call me at 9 o-clock, so I wouldn't be in the middle of dinner or something, and we'd have time to talk a bit before bedtime. If he fell asleep and didn't call by 9:05, I unplugged my phone. He'd usually call me after he woke up, but he wouldn't be able to get through, because if he didn't call when HE SAID HE WOULD, then he didn't get to talk to me.

 

Boyfriend# 4 proposed to me with a 1 1/2 carat ring, and we were married.

 

So clingy, needy, "call me and if you don't I'll be pissed" girlfriends get DUMPED. Independant, take him or leave him, "call me on time or you don't talk to me" girlfriends get MARRIED.

 

If you want it to work with this guy, you answer the phone when he calls on time. If he hasn't called by 10 minutes past when he's supposed to call, then you take a bath, watch a movie, go out, WHATEVER to avoid missing him, and unplug the phone, and don't check the caller id. Unplug the caller id, so you won't know whether he's called or not, because if he DOESN'T call, then you'll be disappointed that he didn't realize how independant you were, and you'll call him.

 

right?

 

So plan of action is you only wait ten minutes for his call, and if he doesn't call, then you find something else to do. If he calls on time, DON'T NAG HIM TO CALL MORE, or he'll not want to. Talk about the day, talk about a movie, talk dirty to him, but don't talk about what a horrible boyfriend he is.

 

Men are from Mars, women from Venus says that a man doesn't want to let his woman down. The fact that you make it so clear that he's disappointing you makes him not want to talk to you, and when he DOES finally make himself call you, he gets nagged!

 

If my husband is loving and caring, then I want to be around him. When he nags me, I avoid him at all costs.

 

DUH! would you want to be around someone who is constantly disappointed in you? NO!

 

P.S. When you put this plan of unplugging the phone when he doesn't call on time in effect, don't say, "Well, if you don't call on time, I'm not answering" because that will make him not call on time to spite you. He'll figure it out. When he calls on time and gets through.

 

You can wait TWO WEEKS to talk to him, if that's what it takes to get it through his head.

 

What would you rather have...two weeks without talking to him to give him time to miss you and learn to respect you enough to call on time, or two weeks of nagging and arguing that will end up breaking you up?

 

Think logically!!! Save your relationship!!! NO more nagging, or arguing about how much time he doesn't spend with you. Only answer the phone if he calls on time.

 

Stop saying, "If you loved me, you'd call me more." He's thinking, "If I loved you!? I wouldnt' be with you if I didn't love you!!!"

 

Stop being a big needy baby. Be an independant, mysterious, sexy woman.

[li'l bunny]

That is great, Monday! I just read that and I want to go out there and conquer the world. I don't know if its the way you wrote it or what but it really made something click in my mind.

 

I am married but you made me realise completely now what I should be doing. I know what I want and now I know how to get it.

 

Thank you very much. I'm going to have a great life.

 

Take the advice, suchamess!

[Raggamuffin]

Great post, Monday!!

 

That's basically what I was trying to say, but Monday said it much much better lol. Take her advice!!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Lets take a look at this relationship through recaps from your posts:

 

1. He keeps pornos of his ex on his computer - you know this because you obsessively check his email, snoop through his stuff, and sign onto his AIM account pretending to be him. Then instead of talking about it to him honestly, you have suggested that you will just resort to secretly deleting his personal files that you don't like because they make you feel jealous and insecure.

2. You play games with him to coerce 'jealous reactions' to gauge how much he cares for you.

3. You expect that he call you twice a day and email you at least 8-9 times a day (like he did at the beginning of your relationship), and when he doesn't call you, or call you by a certain time you question him as to why, then attack him and start huge fights.

4. You constantly require 'romantic reassurance'.

 

If you want your relationship to last, you will need to address the problems you have. You have said it before: that you know that how you are handling this isn't healthy - well, take some steps to work toward a stronger inner foundation. The stronger and more emotionally healthy you are, the better your relationship will be for it. Set up a counseling session, if you have to: but know this - this relationship will not solve your problems: it will be killed by them.

[IceIceBaby]

So what would be your advice on dealing with a boyfriend who never learns the lesson? The calling thing was an issue with my boyfriend and I. I brought it up once because it bothered me to not hear from him for days at a time. Now it always is re-brought up by him in what appears to be an effort to make me feel guilty. I've never spoken about it with him since, and when he says he'll call me and doesn't, I do shut my phone off. But he still never remembers to call and I end up calling because after a week or so, I want to talk to him and see how he's doing. But then again, I haven't seen my boyfriend's face in three weeks despite my efforts to hang out, so maybe my issue is a little different. But I'd still love to hear what you think about a boyfriend who doesn't respond to all of your reccomendations. Thanks!

[suchamess]

Lucrezia, you are totally right- the problems I have are my own...I know I need to work them out personally- I think I will go see a councelor at my school pretty soon... I really do want to work on myself and figure out why I get this way...

Unfortuantely, I think it's over for my relationship.

I went to go visit him, and despite being very confused about what to do about the porn situation before, once I got there, I decided I really didn't care so I didn't bring it up.

But we still got into a fight, it was over something small....but it escalated and we both got so frustrated with each other, that we broke up.. I told him I wanted to go back home, but he wouldn't drive me to the bus station until the morning...

During the night, we had some intense conversation...but we were both just exhausted and too emotional...

Eventually we went to sleep, and during the night he hugged me and I felt alot better....in the morning he woke me up, and begged me to stay and told me he just wanted us to make up...part of me did too, but I insisted to go home anyways...so he drove me to the bus, and on the way, I realized he's a great guy, he doesnt deserve this, but I just couldnt go through the cycle of fighting, making up, getting insecure, and fighting again.... and even though I KNOW this...that doesnt mean I can easily change something thats become so normal to me

I know its not normal, but I need to talk to a therapist probably, before I can stop this...

anyways, to sum up... he told me he loved me still and he was mad, but we should try to make up, but I just cried and left...I was just so emotional... I just want to get out of this relationship and figure out my problems...

he's called me a bunch of times already but I havent picked up...

I really feel out of control, I realize I've made a lot of mistakes...I know he's so fed up and frustrated with all my BS....and I feel bad he saw such a bad side of me...but I dont understand why he's pushing so hard for us to stay together...he tells me I give him such a hard time about everything, but when I try to end it he wont let me.. I get sucked in again and take everything back(which is why I just dont want to talk to him right now) I really want to move on, I know I ruined this relationship, I'm sad and I miss him already...but I think I should just move on, and try to figure out what went wrong and how to not be like this with the next guy.

[matildamilkscows]

An excellent read 'He's just not that into you: The no excuse truth to understanding guys.'

 

READ IT!