Distancing myself from boss

[Amelia81]

Hey all,

 

I need some practical advice please (not moral advice).

 

My boss is married, but he kissed me last November and at another work event some stuff was said but nothing physical apart from holding hands (it wasn't far off more though). We realise we can't be around each other drunk. Neither of us has tried to pursue anything and it never gets talked about, but I am having a hard time moving on from it. Mostly because there is still an undercurrent of attraction, I see him every day and I feel he does really subtle things, like sneak me cake when no one else is around which is not a biggie but surely he should be keeping his distance from me.

 

Leaving my job is not an option - my priority is my job, it's my dream job! I'd rather suffer than leave. hence why I am trying to seek practical advice.

 

I am trying to distance myself from him, by only talking to him about work stuff. My problem is he doesn't do this back and he will ask me what I've been up to or tell me what he's been up to etc. but this doesn't help me keep my distance and I get sucked in to conversation. I also feel guilty like I'm being mean to him by making things difficult, so I do give in sometimes.

 

It's getting to the point though I feel like I need to tell him to stop, but this is bringing up something that last happened nearly two months ago, inappropriate to discuss at work and also might make him see how i really feel which he might not realise. He might not even think about me like that anymore so I'd be making myself vunerable.

 

I really don't know what steps to take to sort this mess in my head out. Any advice?

[nais]

Both of you can be accused of it- he can twist it around on you easily. I think if you are serious- tell him to stop see if he abides. If not seek counseling with your EAP and explain your dilemma for documentation. If you are serious with it stopping, if not ask him where in the hell does he see this going- if its not fair to you then back out of it.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Instead of putting the onus on your boss by asking him anything, state your boundaries. If he breaks them, put in your consequences.

 

Learning to self-advocate is difficult for many women.

 

You want boundaries, however you haven't been clear to him what they are. You also need to hold yourself accountable when you have sent mixed signals.

 

He didn't force you to take the cake, he isn't forcing you to talk about yourself.

 

If you feel that those are inappropriate...why did you?

 

Saying "no thank you" or "I like to keep work talks at a professional level", is not being mean. It is self advocating.

[stillafool]

Why don't you start dating single men. Maybe that will take your mind off your married boss.

[violet1]

Instead of putting the onus on your boss by asking him anything, state your boundaries. If he breaks them, put in your consequences.

 

Learning to self-advocate is difficult for many women.

 

You want boundaries, however you haven't been clear to him what they are. You also need to hold yourself accountable when you have sent mixed signals.

 

He didn't force you to take the cake, he isn't forcing you to talk about yourself.

 

If you feel that those are inappropriate...why did you?

 

Saying "no thank you" or "I like to keep work talks at a professional level", is not being mean. It is self advocating.

Great advice! If this is your dream job than you need to set clear boundaries so you don't jeopardize it.

[Amelia81]

Instead of putting the onus on your boss by asking him anything, state your boundaries. If he breaks them, put in your consequences.

 

Learning to self-advocate is difficult for many women.

 

You want boundaries, however you haven't been clear to him what they are. You also need to hold yourself accountable when you have sent mixed signals.

 

He didn't force you to take the cake, he isn't forcing you to talk about yourself.

 

If you feel that those are inappropriate...why did you?

 

Saying "no thank you" or "I like to keep work talks at a professional level", is not being mean. It is self advocating.

 

I do agree with this, but if I start doing this now he will ask outright what is going on, or think I'm being difficult. I might as well just tell him this to start with.

 

I agree I have sent mixed signals too, but I am trying to change my behaviour towards him but its hard when he is continuing, I need him to change his behaviour towards me too.

 

The chit chat stuff is harmless subject wise, its what many colleagues would ask each other, but I no longer want to know what he is up to or want him to ask what I'm up to.

 

The cake thing actually took me by surprise and I would have felt rude saying no, and I also spent some time thinking maybe I was reading too much into it. But given what has happened between us I don't think he should have done it.

 

Friday afternoon we spoke on the phone for work stuff (his office is on a different floor) and he said 'are you going to pop your head in before you go' and this is one of those subtle things that is driving me mad. I said yes (could I have said no? He's my boss?) but I was really tempted to just go home without doing so. But I did pop my head in and he was like 'are you off? What are you up to this weekend?' Then as I'm talking he starts carrying on with his work and his boss was next door so could hear and I just felt really awkward like it was MY idea to pop in.

 

I just don't want to do anything that makes him cross with me. I don't think he would, I think he would be more apologetic than anything, I probably just make his day a little brighter at the moment and he doesn't realise how it's affecting me, but I also know how bad these situations can turn out and I'm just trying to be cautious about how i approach things. It's just been easier so far to carry on as normal as if nothing has happened but I can't erase it.

[Amelia81]

Why don't you start dating single men. Maybe that will take your mind off your married boss.

 

I have dated over the last few months, it doesn't change this situation though. It's not that simple to just meet someone.

[Amelia81]

Both of you can be accused of it- he can twist it around on you easily. I think if you are serious- tell him to stop see if he abides. If not seek counseling with your EAP and explain your dilemma for documentation. If you are serious with it stopping, if not ask him where in the hell does he see this going- if its not fair to you then back out of it.

 

What do you mean by seeking counselling with the EAP?

[anne1707]

What do you mean by seeking counselling with the EAP?

 

EAP stands for Employee Assistance Programme. Your company may have one and if so they often offer counselling over the phone or face to face if needed.

[Amelia81]

EAP stands for Employee Assistance Programme. Your company may have one and if so they often offer counselling over the phone or face to face if needed.

 

Ohhhh thanks! I was thinking emotional affair partner but that didn't make sense as how the hell and why on earth would I get him to come to a counselling session with ME?! Doh!

[nais]

What do you mean by seeking counselling with the EAP?

 

 

 

This may be difficult for you to walk away from, I suggest counseling so that you can empower yourself now- and it doesn't help to build a record now if he continues and it becomes harassing. EAP is free for the first 3 sessions. Take advantage of it- talk your issues out with them, take some advice they may know about regarding distancing yourself in such a situation. He can begin to interfere with your work, if so you have a starting point for a potential suit down the road if need be.

[Catwoman13]

I'm going to stick my neck out and give you the hard bottom line.

 

The answer is really very simple - it goes along the lines of a well-known saying: we teach others how to treat us.

 

Every time you allow yourself to get sucked into the set-up your boss is either consciously or subconsciously creating because of the "attraction factor" you are complicit in his tactics. You have the power to control your boundaries with any relationship in your life, including in the workplace - but you must allow yourself that option before getting emotionally dragged into someone else's game. Even if it seems harmless - eg., cake, you can treat it as such and maintain your ability to put any "undercurrent" behind such an action out of your mind, because it can work to your advantage. If you maintain this professional stance, your boss can ultimately have nothing but respect for you. If, on the other hand, it makes him switch on to hot pursuit of you, he has kinda shown his true colours, and even though he's probably a nice enough man, he's still that guy who would cheat on his wife given half the chance. So, not so nice, in the long run...

 

Because it is your dream job it is tricky to mix in personal with professional by confronting your boss, and because of this it could also backfire in your face. If it wasn't your boss, maybe then, but be very careful with "bringing things out in the open." By the sounds of it, not a lot as actually happened, so stem the flow before the flood is my advice! You would potentially be handing your power to him and because you observe you are "brightening his day" then fine, do that - but in a professional capacity and no more.

 

For that reason, personally I wouldn't try to broach the subject, but would retain a professional stance at all times. Use your strength to overcome this test of endurance. You don't need to "clear the air" or say anything really. He's married, and he's your boss. Careful with the after-work drinks, have one if you must but try to mingle as much as possible with your colleagues and try to work on your work-relationships with people other than your boss.

 

You can't erase what happened, but you can move on from it. I don't believe it has to be a sticky situation, maybe you will feel uncomfortable because you have feelings for him, but I'm sure you already know that those feelings are inappropriate and have nowhere to go with this man. So focus on what is important to you. You're probably a bright and attractive young woman, and this may not be the first time this happens to you. Use it as practice to handle yourself in a manner you would wish if the tables were turned and it was your husband. Don't do what I did!!! It can get quite messy. Honestly ;-)

[Nothisgirl]

I understand how tough it can be to set those boundaries but alwaysgrowing is right, as women we need to take our power back more often...next time he asks what your up to say your going out on another date with a guy you've met and really like...every time he asks bring up same (fictitional) guy...hopefully this will make him stop, if not you're going to havet to call him on it...good luck and good job for putting the brakes on now...way less pain down the road, trust me.

[wanting more]

Hey all,

 

I need some practical advice please (not moral advice).

 

My boss is married, but he kissed me last November and at another work event some stuff was said but nothing physical apart from holding hands (it wasn't far off more though). We realise we can't be around each other drunk. Neither of us has tried to pursue anything and it never gets talked about, but I am having a hard time moving on from it. Mostly because there is still an undercurrent of attraction, I see him every day and I feel he does really subtle things, like sneak me cake when no one else is around which is not a biggie but surely he should be keeping his distance from me.

 

Leaving my job is not an option - my priority is my job, it's my dream job! I'd rather suffer than leave. hence why I am trying to seek practical advice.

 

I am trying to distance myself from him, by only talking to him about work stuff. My problem is he doesn't do this back and he will ask me what I've been up to or tell me what he's been up to etc. but this doesn't help me keep my distance and I get sucked in to conversation. I also feel guilty like I'm being mean to him by making things difficult, so I do give in sometimes.

 

It's getting to the point though I feel like I need to tell him to stop, but this is bringing up something that last happened nearly two months ago, inappropriate to discuss at work and also might make him see how i really feel which he might not realise. He might not even think about me like that anymore so I'd be making myself vunerable.

 

I really don't know what steps to take to sort this mess in my head out. Any advice?

 

how much mess is there really? he kissed you a couple months ago, agreed it was a bad idea and has kept his distance.

 

you said he sneaks you cake?? are you not supposed to have cake?

why do you think there is an undercurrent attraction from him?

 

could you maye be wanting more than there is?

 

he asks you what you've been up to? that just seems like normal conversation.

 

sorry, but i'm still confused at how this is such a mess in your life? if its bothering you this much, why can't you just tell him you'd like to only talk about work things, nothing else because you're uncomfortable about what happened a couple months ago? how is that being mean to him?

[KaliLove]

Why don't you just avoid getting drunk around each other? It doesn't sound like he's doing anything else that's super inappropriate, unless there are things you're not telling us.

[Amelia81]

Some wise words Catwoman13, thank you.

 

Nothisgirl, this crossed my mind before. I would probably get caught out though and look stupid so I don't dare!

 

 

 

how much mess is there really? he kissed you a couple months ago, agreed it was a bad idea and has kept his distance.

 

you said he sneaks you cake?? are you not supposed to have cake?

why do you think there is an undercurrent attraction from him?

 

could you maye be wanting more than there is?

 

he asks you what you've been up to? that just seems like normal conversation.

 

sorry, but i'm still confused at how this is such a mess in your life? if its bothering you this much, why can't you just tell him you'd like to only talk about work things, nothing else because you're uncomfortable about what happened a couple months ago? how is that being mean to him?

 

I haven't listed everything that has happened, just gave some recent examples. Maybe none of it means a thing to him, but I'm sensing differently. I can't really ask him, but it's stressing me out regardless of his intentions.

 

Do I want more than there is? If he was single, yes of course! But no I don't want any of this. I want to be with someone who is available.

 

I quite like your approach on how to say it to him, getting the point across without being a heavy discussion, I think I feel its mean because in a way I'm ending the friendship and I think he will be disappointed.

[Amelia81]

This may be difficult for you to walk away from, I suggest counseling so that you can empower yourself now- and it doesn't help to build a record now if he continues and it becomes harassing. EAP is free for the first 3 sessions. Take advantage of it- talk your issues out with them, take some advice they may know about regarding distancing yourself in such a situation. He can begin to interfere with your work, if so you have a starting point for a potential suit down the road if need be.

 

I don't think we have this in the UK?

[anne1707]

I don't think we have this in the UK?

 

 

I'm in the UK Amelia and we do have EAPs in some companies, just not all. The amount of counselling available depends on the scheme. Maybe have a word with HR to see if there is a scheme in place.

[Amelia81]

Why don't you just avoid getting drunk around each other? It doesn't sound like he's doing anything else that's super inappropriate, unless there are things you're not telling us.

 

Regardless of his intentions (which I can't be certain of) his behaviour towards me since he kissed me is making me feel like he has some sort of feelings or attraction towards me even if he is not acting on it. He has not 'backed off' so to speak, despite what has happened. Perhaps I'm making it all up in my head but either way it's not helping my feelings go away and in an ideal world I need him to stop taking an interest in me and just be my boss. He used the word favouritism last week when he thought someone knew he'd snuck me the cake... so he knows how his actions can appear to others.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Ending/limiting how much we allow others in our life is not being mean. If others are disappointed, it is not our job to feel it for them or deal with it.

 

Women and men, need to learn to seperate work relationships from friendships. They are not the same thing. All because you can work well with someone does not mean that they would be good mate material.

 

Stating a boundary does not require a formal meeting. One should not have to make fiction up to deal with an issue. That is a poor coping skill, one that we should not feed, if we do feed it, it might become part of our go-to response in other areas of our life.

 

When he starts to cross a work boundary, one only needs to say "I like to keep work professional" in response to personal questions. One might have to state it more than once if this is new. If he continues, that is the time that something more formal might be required.

[Quiet Storm]

Try to stop thinking about him so much. If your priority is the job, focus on that. This is your career. Its very important to your livelihood. Do not allow your emotions to take your focus away. You want to be valued for your work, and others will gossip if there is flirting or favoritism. Keep your conversations professional. Answer any small talk questions briefly and without emotion. Don't engage in a back and forth conversations. It may take time but he will get the hint. It's not rude to assert boundaries. You can't control what he talks about, but you can control what YOU talk about.

[Nattie]

OP...I'm currently a year and a half into an affair with my previous boss, and your post took me back to the beginning. I don't know the man in your situation but it sounds like he's testing waters to see how far you'll let things progress. Mine started pursuing me the day I met him but it was so gradual. He built up a friendship over the course of months, and it was the little things! For example, he saved you a piece of cake. Mine had a soda and offered me some so we ended up sharing it. Something like that sounds so insignificant, but I certainly wouldn't drink from just anyone's straw, or let a casual acquaintance drink from mine. Very small things like that start to build intimacy and a friendship that's above the norm. Next thing I knew he got my number and we exchanged texts that weren't inappropriate at all, work related stuff, scheduling etc. But he didn't do these things with anyone else, just me. Looking back now I should have seen it coming a mile away. If he's treating you differently than other women, I'd say you legitimately have reason for these conflicting feelings. He's already kissed you, so he knows if he makes a move you're not going to slap his face into another time zone. He probably wants to take it further physically, especially since the kiss was months ago and he didn't get caught, any guilt has subsided. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that knowing something is wrong isn't necessarily enough to stop someone from doing it. I sympathize with you!!

[jellybean89]

I think I am the odd ball but I don't see a single thing he has done, from what you posted about recently (not the kiss or the hand holding??? wtf!) that shows he has any interest in you in a sexual way.

 

He most likely knows you can get him in trouble at work and at home. Totally inappropriate behavior (kissing and hand holding -- hopefully not at work).

 

But getting you a piece of cake? Was it only reserved for certain people? I have co-workers who do this and there is no sexual attraction. Its' called thinking of others.

 

I don't understand how someone asking you "what are you doing this weekend" is a bad thing. Again, this is a common question on Friday's...I don't think it shows anything but basic human nature. It's very much like saying "hi how are you" when you are passing someone. It would be rude to not acknowledge someone or to exchange pleasantries.

 

Do you think you are possibly making this more than it is because you are interested? That way, you can make yourself believe you must do what he wants cause he is your boss? He's your married boss and if you are his assistant, there is the common misconception that boss's sleep with their support staff. Most working relationships between a boss and his assistant must be more than just cordial. The two people have to learn to read each other, have to trust each other and have to form a solid foundation in order for it to work. Those relationships are vital to a cohesive, successful relationship. Two adults of the opposite sex can and do work very well together as long as there are boundaries in place. A person should be able to say "you look nice", "have anything fun planned this weekend", etc without fear of intimacy or flirting or there being something more than just conversation.

 

I urge you to explore your own feelings more and see if you possibly could be envisioning something that isn't there. You "sound" young and that could be why you are (1) being inappropriate with your boss and (2) not sure how to navigate professionally when your superior shows politeness and casual conversation.

 

Then again, I can be totally wrong and he is seeing how far he can go with you .

 

You can be professional and friendly - mistakes were made and you can move forward. Be professional, friendly and change your mindset of your boss.