On the ledge in my A and ?

[loveandsorrow]

Hi All,

 

Let me start by saying that my A is putting me on the ledge in terms of being able to manage it. What started out as an affair 1.5 years ago has now turned into a constant demand for attention from my ow. it's so bad that she is on vacation on a cruiseship and asking to talk and text while she is there. I was looking forward to the break to be honest here.

 

we both are married with kids, her 2 me 3. ow has been married at least 10yr and met 16yr. ow is early 30's and i'm in late 40s. no doubt we are in love with each other after all this time however we have very similar personalities which conflict at times. both of us are the decision makers in our households and yet when we are together, she concedes to me although its un-natural for her to do so.

 

as time has passed, i can see she really clings to wanting to be with and often has emotional climaxes feeling she needs me at any cost. i believe i love her too and want that however my w and her h are the passive ones in our relationships and we both carry guilt over the the thought of leaving them, however we both know they are probably better off with someone else .

 

i struggle with that mow needs me all the time and its clear while on vacation she constantly texts me and tells me i'm all she thinks about. i love the idea that someone adores me that much and i feel the same way, yet i don't need to have a hook to her all the time. i was planning on using this time while she is away to get my priorities straight and work on things at home with kids and my own hobbies. its hard to do that when some admits to having an addictive personality and is addicted to me. I suspect not because its me, but because she has an addictive personalty.

 

its becoming so exhausting i just feel like im on the cliff's edge. i used to think i could leave my w for mow yet i think about my kids and it kills me to think i could break their hearts. it feels like that trap of staying in a relationship for the sake of the kids which i would rather hurt myself in doing just to keep them happy. then again, if they see i'm not happy then what good is that to them?

Edited May 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[veryhappy]

You are able to compartmentalize and she isn't.

 

Encourage her to enjoy the time away and when she gets back let her know you can't mislead her into a future with her. She might end the A, but you can easily find another one if that's your cup of tea.

 

You are not leaving your wife. It's not anywhere in what you've written. You are just future faking enough to keep your other hooked because it's so intoxicating to you as well.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Quite honestly, your feelings/assessment of the MOW/affair is all over the map.

 

I get that you enjoy how it makes you feel to have someone who "adores" you, but...it comes with a cost (alone time, hobbies, children...etc)....is it worth it to you?

 

Are you really happy with ALL the dynamics in the affair relationship?

 

You say MOW concedes to you (you being the dominant one normally in a relationship), however...you give up what you want to do, to placate her emotional up and downs.

 

You state about loving each other then question whether or not it is just her addictive personality that is driving her end.

 

 

With MOW "unnaturally" conceding all the time, how does that play out in regard to MOW building up resentment towards you?

 

Getting some emotional distance will help you to process the relationship and whether or not you should proceed further.

 

 

Your marriage is a different issue. If one is not satisfied with their marriage, the routes that are generally acceptable are:

 

Figure out if the issue resides within (general unhappiness), seek help in addressing issue/s.

Determine there are issues with the marriage and address those with ones spouse.

Conclude the issues with the marriage are not fixable and divorce.

 

That is for you to figure out for yourself.

 

You have much to work out. Getting help would make it easier. Individual counselling would be a great first step.

[loveandsorrow]

Quite honestly, your feelings/assessment of the MOW/affair is all over the map.

 

I get that you enjoy how it makes you feel to have someone who "adores" you, but...it comes with a cost (alone time, hobbies, children...etc)....is it worth it to you?

 

Are you really happy with ALL the dynamics in the affair relationship?

 

You say MOW concedes to you (you being the dominant one normally in a relationship), however...you give up what you want to do, to placate her emotional up and downs.

 

You state about loving each other then question whether or not it is just her addictive personality that is driving her end.

 

 

With MOW "unnaturally" conceding all the time, how does that play out in regard to MOW building up resentment towards you?

 

Getting some emotional distance will help you to process the relationship and whether or not you should proceed further.

 

 

Your marriage is a different issue. If one is not satisfied with their marriage, the routes that are generally acceptable are:

 

Figure out if the issue resides within (general unhappiness), seek help in addressing issue/s.

Determine there are issues with the marriage and address those with ones spouse.

Conclude the issues with the marriage are not fixable and divorce.

 

That is for you to figure out for yourself.

 

You have much to work out. Getting help would make it easier. Individual counselling would be a great first step.

 

Hi

 

You sure know how to see "through" these type of situations.

 

I'm thinking about what you have just said and asked. If I can be honest here because i don't want to hurt her, i was hoping she would not have a cell signal and we would have time away other than email. that way its not so connected. Yes I do love her very much however her need for me doesn't feel genuine. it feels its her personality....so it could be anyone other than me which breaks my heart but i have to come to that reality. She will never admit that and believes its really me she can't live without however her makeup is such that she wants me so bad partly because i can't be controlled. she's got that dominate controller side.

 

i can tell you that when we are together, we love to be with each other. i find that talking to her about a lot of things, she is very intuitive like you and can see through me more often than not. knowing that, i can't help but wonder if she has the same doubts i do and i'm sure she does. we know it but just don't talk about it.

 

i assumed the affair would just continue from the start but it evolved into a relationship. Keeping 2 full time relationships feels impossible. i'm trying but everyone is suffering. w, kids, mow. at times i want to run off and cry but who wants to see or know that. i'm just being honest here because i feel i can.

 

one of my biggest fears is getting caught. either her h more than likely finding out. he would leave her in a heartbeat or so he says. he's so dependent and not a decision maker that i could see him not leaving to be honest. i say this because if he had a clue, he would see her heart and mind are always somewhere else.

 

i've thought about leaving my w for mow but i fear our age gap and how we started this relationship will place it at a severe risk to for failure. then we end up with nothing at the end. or i would since she's young and can get back on the saddle again. i'm turning the corner at late 40's so its not the same.

 

Thank you

Edited May 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[loveandsorrow]

You are able to compartmentalize and she isn't.

 

Encourage her to enjoy the time away and when she gets back let her know you can't mislead her into a future with her. She might end the A, but you can easily find another one if that's your cup of tea.

 

You are not leaving your wife. It's not anywhere in what you've written. You are just future faking enough to keep your other hooked because it's so intoxicating to you as well.

 

actually you are right..but its the other way around. mow can compartmentlize. i can't. i just feel like i'm strung out on the stresses of this affair turned hard core relationship. i love it....and i'd love it more if i was single. i'm not and that's a major wrinkle.

 

future faking...well said....i think that's what we both do but don't have the courage in us to hurt our kids or our spouses. i don't doubt she's closer to saying lets go for it than i am. i want to and i times with my w i would totally leave but the kids make me feel like i would let them down and i can't find it in me to do that. maybe that's part of my problem.

 

i'm trying to limit the texts today and i'm trying to encourage her to enjoy the day. at 20+texts so far and she's asked me to call her (i was not able to) its just a bit much! as i'm typing..my phone goes off for another text. i'm hoping once she's far enough out she won't be able to text. or am i intoxicated on this as well? lol.

Edited May 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[JamesM]

i assumed the affair would just continue from the start but it evolved into a relationship. Keeping 2 full time relationships feels impossible. i'm trying but everyone is suffering. w, kids, mow. at times i want to run off and cry but who wants to see or know that. i'm just being honest here because i feel i can.

 

one of my biggest fears is getting caught.

 

The bolded is one of the best explanations of an affair that I have ever read. The fantasy never stays. Reality always arrives...whether good or bad.

 

Just another reality check for you at your age....

Men who cheat on their wives more likely to die of a heart attack - Vitals

 

And here is something else...

Bishop Bobby Davis drops dead of heart attack while confessing past affair to his flock | News.com.au

 

As a man older than you, I would be concerned at your age with your conflicting thoughts.

 

Personally, I would be as you. Why tear up the family only to enter into another relationship if that one will not be any better?

 

Who is more important to you....your kids or your MOW? For me, this has always been a huge stopping point. No way do I want to leave my wife if it means breaking the hearts of my kids. I may find someone who interests me and even find some "fun" in fantasizing or flirting (don't shoot me...being honest), but to actually leave my family? No.

 

You have an opportunity now to begin ending this gently before it breaks up your family. It may be too late already, but maybe not. If I were you, then I would consider letting this MOW know that while you love her, you cannot leave your family right now. Knowing this, it is only fair that you go back to your family at this time. In the future, it may be a better time for the two of you, but not now.

 

Honestly, reading how you describe her, it may not be easy. But waiting any longer won't make it any easier.

Edited May 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Popsicle]

Some married people in affairs get tired of living a double life. It becomes exhausting and the returns start to diminish.

[veryhappy]

Okay late 40s, just how much in diapers are your kids exactly? Going off to college in several years, aren't they? You're not carrying around binkies anymore. My point is that's an excuse. If you want to stay married, say so.

 

You are cnfused and it seems who's making decisions and who's dominating is a big part of your life. A good R is not about dominating someone. I would say that it actually obstructs having a good R. Or A.

 

Let your MOW go, she can deal with her demons and her addictive personality on her own, and you can deal with yours. If you want to invest in your w, kids, hobbies, you need to end the A.

 

You can't both play her to believe you want her in your future to keep her adoring and whine she's too much. That's the problem with A. You can't keep both forever.

[Hope Shimmers]

I have to agree with a previous poster that said your feelings about your OW are all over the map.

 

You have two different (and separate) problems: your marriage and your OW. You aren't going to be able to fix one (marriage) with the other (affair).

 

You are more ambivalent about the OW now that the fantasy of the affair has faded. Whatever you do, make your decision about whether or not to stay in your marriage completely separate from the OW. Ending a marriage, especially one with children, is not an easy or painless process even when it's your decision to do so, and if you jump from one relationship to the other you will likely end up with nothing.

 

Frankly this relationship you have with the OW does not sound like one that would work long-term.

 

Does your OW think that you are leaving your marriage for her?

[lollipopspot]

future faking...well said....i think that's what we both do but don't have the courage in us to hurt our kids or our spouses. i don't doubt she's closer to saying lets go for it than i am. i want to and i times with my w i would totally leave but the kids make me feel like i would let them down and i can't find it in me to do that.

 

What times with your wife do you want to leave her? When you're fighting? When you're bored? When you get into some old habits?

 

I ask in part because I'm wondering if "those times" can be changed, or what is the crux of your dissatisfaction?

[AlwaysGrowing]

What times with your wife do you want to leave her? When you're fighting? When you're bored? When you get into some old habits?

 

I ask in part because I'm wondering if "those times" can be changed, or what is the crux of your dissatisfaction?

 

 

Very good questions. Ties into figuring out exactly why you are dissatisfied with your marriage.

 

One should never divorce because someone else is in the picture. Too often there is resentment if the new relationship does not work out as planned.

 

Do you understand, that with all the emotional/mental energy that the MOW requires, you have very little to none to give to anyone else...including yourself. Not a good place from which to make major decisions regarding your life....let alone...how present Dad is when you are with your children.

[SolG]

Hi loveandsorrow

 

Did you perhaps set up your OW's constant demand for attn in your oh so rosy affair phase? Were you so limerent that couldn't wait to call and text and email her and steal away to see her at every opportunity; and now she expects this level of attn to be the norm?

 

It may be that you are transitioning out of limerence and beginning to see reality; but she's still stuck there all juiced up on 'love' and not seeing reality at all just yet. You are still an ideal, a fantasy that she can't get enough of. The uncharacteristic deference she shows you may be further evidence of this. This can be an addiction in and of itself. You see this type of thing in relationships a lot; not just affairs. But the secretive and illicit nature of an affair can amplify and prolong it.

 

My MM and I are close to the four year mark for our A; and during that time we've spent periods varying from days to whole months together. He too is struggling under the general strain of two relationships, parenting and life; ambivalence about his marriage; and an at times absolute biatch of an OW (although I am working on this!).

 

I would not want him to hide any of this, or his feelings or struggles from me. Nor would I want to hide mine from him. And if he is so sad that he wants to cry, why wouldn't I be ok with that too? He's a real person with real flaws, real feelings, and a real life with real issues; not a prince on a white charger come to whisk me away into the sunset. I fear that your OW sees you as the latter and that she may be in love with an addictive fantasy you, not the real you at all.

 

If you want to be kind to your OW, show her the real you. Tell her what you're going through and thinking and feeling, that you're struggling with her demands and to make a decision about what you truly want. But then please do make a decision as quickly as you can; my MM's indecision has been incredibly painful for me. Then follow through.

Edited May 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[loveandsorrow]

Hi loveandsorrow

 

Did you perhaps set up your OW's constant demand for attn in your oh so rosy affair phase? Were you so limerent that couldn't wait to call and text and email her and steal away to see her at every opportunity; and now she expects this level of attn to be the norm?

 

It may be that you are transitioning out of limerence and beginning to see reality; but she's still stuck there all juiced up on 'love' and not seeing reality at all just yet. You are still an ideal, a fantasy that she can't get enough of. The uncharacteristic deference she shows you may be further evidence of this. This can be an addiction in and of itself. You see this type of thing in relationships a lot; not just affairs. But the secretive and illicit nature of an affair can amplify and prolong it.

 

My MM and I are close to the four year mark for our A; and during that time we've spent periods varying from days to whole months together. He too is struggling under the general strain of two relationships, parenting and life; ambivalence about his marriage; and an at times absolute biatch of an OW (although I am working on this!).

 

I would not want him to hide any of this, or his feelings or struggles from me. Nor would I want to hide mine from him. And if he is so sad that he wants to cry, why wouldn't I be ok with that too? He's a real person with real flaws, real feelings, and a real life with real issues; not a prince on a white charger come to whisk me away into the sunset. I fear that your OW sees you as the latter and that she may be in love with an addictive fantasy you, not the real you at all.

 

If you want to be kind to your OW, show her the real you. Tell her what you're going through and thinking and feeling, that you're struggling with her demands and to make a decision about what you truly want. But then please do make a decision as quickly as you can; my MM's indecision has been incredibly painful for me. Then follow through.

 

Hi SolG

 

I think you may have just touched on something I have not considered. my MOW is addicted due to the secretive affair and wanting me to wisk her away, as we had started out that way...meaning giving each other attention, emails, text, calls etc.

 

Feels like the pressure is getting to me as it has evolved from affair to relationship which keeping 2 of them is just impossible. I'm doing it like you are, but I can honestly say I"m not giving 100% to either and its killing me.

 

I will be spending time with mow this weekend as she returns from her vacation. she has text me everyday and we talked as well. The overseas costs is an investment for her however she didn't care. She loves me and as you said, its likely an addiction to what we started off as and i've conditioned her to want that more and more. I can't keep up and you're right.. I do need to tell her.

 

If you have been doing this for 4 years, are you also a mow or ow? The difference in your role would have a huge impact on if you were waiting for your mom to leave his w for you or if you were are a mow, you can just put your mom aside as he does you?

Edited May 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[RickFox]

The way I see it, neither of you compartmentalize well, it will blow up, not if, but when.

[loveandsorrow]

Do you understand, that with all the emotional/mental energy that the MOW requires, you have very little to none to give to anyone else...including yourself. Not a good place from which to make major decisions regarding your life....let alone...how present Dad is when you are with your children.

 

Hi AG,

 

Wow i could hug you....literally. Why? Because you said something that I've been feeling but can't seem to articulate to anyone. The fact that mow requires so much of me i can't give to anyone else. It's true....I admit it!!!!! now comes the tears!

 

I had hoped this week with mow on vacation would give me some breathing room and it has to some degree but she has text me everyday. i could have suffered through not hearing from her if i had the choice but she chose to call and text me on vacation everyday.

 

she's coming back soon and i'll spend the evening with her. i feel like i'm dreading it. Why? the pressure of balancing two lives and not having a way out. we work together so its not as easy as taking a break. She's on me all the time and i feel like its a constant funnel of time and energy that as much as i want to believe she's genuine in her commitment to me, i feel like she would eventually tire of me and find a new addiction. then it would all hit me like a ton of bricks.

 

can an affair just go on being that?

Edited May 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[loveandsorrow]

The way I see it, neither of you compartmentalize well, it will blow up, not if, but when.

 

Rick,

 

how will it blow up? I have this fear that we will get seen together. At a public place, movies, amusement park, eatery, etc.

 

I can tell you mow can compartmentalize better than i can. I've seen her do it and she admits she can do it but not when it comes to her own emotional state.

 

I was about to get involved in another A this week. I had to end it before it started as we were close to getting a private place to meet. The thought of adding another A (that would be 2 A's) would have just been the end of me.

 

I ended the 2nd thought of an A and the other party, a mow, was very very upset. she wanted to go forward and i told her no. she's been very emotional. it just reminds me that it could have been worse if i had went forward and juggling 2 A's would have been the straw that broke the camel's back.

[loveandsorrow]

What times with your wife do you want to leave her? When you're fighting? When you're bored? When you get into some old habits?

 

I ask in part because I'm wondering if "those times" can be changed, or what is the crux of your dissatisfaction?

 

hi lillipopspot

 

great questions!!!! It almost feels like you are seeing something i'm not.

 

hmmm...i think i get the impression i want to leave my w when we get into bitter arguments. like when she makes just very poor decisions and we don't talk about them beforehand. my wife is a very emotional person and can be an emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes I just want to get off the ride. its too much to deal with and throw mow and my A into all this. The A sometimes is an escape. Other times the A is an ankle weight.

 

with mow coming home from vacation soon, it feels like i didn't get enough time away from her to know if i really missed her. this is sad but true.

[loveandsorrow]

Some married people in affairs get tired of living a double life. It becomes exhausting and the returns start to diminish.

 

Hi Popsicle,

 

wow...that's so true. it feels exhausting. as far as the returns diminishing, what do you mean? I do know that i don't have the same energy i had in managing my A with mow. The time demanded of me from mow vs my w and kids are in constant opposition.

 

sometimes it feels like its too much and right now, i would say it is. i need to take a break but i can't.

[loveandsorrow]

The bolded is one of the best explanations of an affair that I have ever read. The fantasy never stays. Reality always arrives...whether good or bad.

 

Just another reality check for you at your age....

Men who cheat on their wives more likely to die of a heart attack - Vitals

 

And here is something else...

Bishop Bobby Davis drops dead of heart attack while confessing past affair to his flock | News.com.au

 

As a man older than you, I would be concerned at your age with your conflicting thoughts.

 

Personally, I would be as you. Why tear up the family only to enter into another relationship if that one will not be any better?

 

Who is more important to you....your kids or your MOW? For me, this has always been a huge stopping point. No way do I want to leave my wife if it means breaking the hearts of my kids. I may find someone who interests me and even find some "fun" in fantasizing or flirting (don't shoot me...being honest), but to actually leave my family? No.

 

You have an opportunity now to begin ending this gently before it breaks up your family. It may be too late already, but maybe not. If I were you, then I would consider letting this MOW know that while you love her, you cannot leave your family right now. Knowing this, it is only fair that you go back to your family at this time. In the future, it may be a better time for the two of you, but not now.

 

Honestly, reading how you describe her, it may not be easy. But waiting any longer won't make it any easier.

 

Hi James,

 

Wow thank you for the insight. I see that the conflict i face of leaving my w for mow is probably what's causing so much stress, along with mow wanting me all the time, 24 hours a day.

 

i can't break my kids hearts. no way. i feel horrible at the thought.

 

my mow wants me and wants me bad now. I believe that i i asked her to, she would leave her H, no questions asked. she has 2 kids, i have 3 kids and it would just get ugly but we would be together. Problem? like you said, hurting our kids is a horrible idea but in mow's case, she wants me all the time and i keep waiting for that need to slow down. It hasn't! she wants me more and more and i feel like i can't keep up!

 

I see the risks of being in this A and i almost took an offer to get into another one this week. woman i used to work with we had been talking text and it got real steamy quick. next thing you know, we agree to a private meeting. I pulled the plug today...knowing i couldn't manage 2 A's and a marriage. forget it. just too much even though the thought sounded fun. All the emotional attachment and demands would come with it. I just couldn't do it!

[loveandsorrow]

I have to agree with a previous poster that said your feelings about your OW are all over the map.

 

You have two different (and separate) problems: your marriage and your OW. You aren't going to be able to fix one (marriage) with the other (affair).

 

You are more ambivalent about the OW now that the fantasy of the affair has faded. Whatever you do, make your decision about whether or not to stay in your marriage completely separate from the OW. Ending a marriage, especially one with children, is not an easy or painless process even when it's your decision to do so, and if you jump from one relationship to the other you will likely end up with nothing.

 

Frankly this relationship you have with the OW does not sound like one that would work long-term.

 

Does your OW think that you are leaving your marriage for her?

 

Hi Hope,

 

Yes, you are right......my feelings are all over the map because i'm just so confused. i want to run away and be alone someplace where no one knows m and i can meet others without thinking about all this affair turned relationship mess.

 

yes, mow does believe i would leave my w for her. i also know she would leave her h for me if i gave her the green light. again, she's early 30's 2 kids and i'm late 40's 3 kids so she's got her whole life ahead of her. As you said, it doesn't like it could work long term and I would end up with nothing. That's is a major fear of mine. Nothing.

Edited May 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Hope Shimmers]

You didn't answer my original question as to what you told the OW regarding a future with her, so I'm hesitant to post again but I will just say this, then let it go.

 

How did you get to the point with a second OW that you were considering yet another affair? (boundary issues - you just said in the above post you don't want to lose your kids, so this is a problem for you).

 

It just seems to me that you aren't taking charge of your life but are letting others - and situations and circumstances - dictate your life. If you want a break from the affair you're in now, then why not just tell her that? She won't be happy, but at least she will hear the truth, right?

[Hope Shimmers]

We were posting at the same time, so I take back my comment about you not answering my question. Sorry! Thanks for the response.

 

I had forgotten about the age difference too.

[Kiwi princess]

The real question is would you be able to clmx in the OOW???? And does she have any offspring? This sounds like a runaway train tearing through the forest ready to derail....

[loveandsorrow]

The real question is would you be able to clmx in the OOW???? And does she have any offspring? This sounds like a runaway train tearing through the forest ready to derail....

 

Does one go from broken to kiwi now imply one is ripe and edible? If so, I want a taste so PM me please!!!!!

[loveandsorrow]

You didn't answer my original question as to what you told the OW regarding a future with her, so I'm hesitant to post again but I will just say this, then let it go.

 

How did you get to the point with a second OW that you were considering yet another affair? (boundary issues - you just said in the above post you don't want to lose your kids, so this is a problem for you).

 

It just seems to me that you aren't taking charge of your life but are letting others - and situations and circumstances - dictate your life. If you want a break from the affair you're in now, then why not just tell her that? She won't be happy, but at least she will hear the truth, right?

 

Hi Hope

 

Thank you and first, I'm not the jerk in foil so let's make that clear.

 

As for the 2nd mow who wanted to start an A this week but I declined, I used to work with her at the same location. She transferred out but we still text. Things got steamy for the last month. With mow#1 on vacation, the timing was perfect for mow2 but I couldn't do it. Mow2 is just as demanding if not more than mow1. I told mow2 up front this would be NSA but she kept hinting at more. Knowing she dislikes her H so much I just didn't want to take the chance of her making me her escape from her marriage

 

Ok, you're right! I let the situations dictate me and right now I'm

So glad and relieved you and others are here and I can be honest with. Yes there's a lot of vulnerability and risk by opening up here but I'm ok with it.

 

Sometimes we need people to see through us so we learn to trust and confide.

 

Thank you