70 Days no contact.... feeling worse?

[loveandwar]

Hello everyone,

 

I find coming here on the tough days is a great help, mostly i just browse other peoples stories and leave the odd comment where i feel it helps, but today I've decided i probably need to explain my situation a little and see if anyone has any advice. i was in a 2.5 year relationship with my ex girlfriend. we are in college together , in different courses that overlap with one another from time to time. we met through a college sport, and everything was great up until about 6 months ago when petty arguments started, long story short we broke up, got back together too soon, same issues arose again, and we broke up around 4 months ago, 70 days of which has been no contact on my part. she has not attempted to call text , we see each other in the library and that is all. We don't really say hello although that may be partially my fault as i don't really wave or attempt to say hi either. The major issues in our relationship were that she put everything before me including friends family work and any event that might come up, i wasn't really invited to her friends or families gatherings unless i asked, and she was always involved in everything i did. in the end it led to me becoming insecure about where the relationship was going and constant arguments over when we would meet up, why she was always making other plans without me etc. i ended up way too clingy, and she became very distant.

 

The last time we spoke was 70 days ago, we had coffee, and we said our goodbyes. however i really did want to give things another go, but she had her mind made up. She said she didn't trust me anymore and that she loved me but was not in love with me. When i left her home that day we hugged and she said she loved me after i had said i loved her. that was the last time we spoke, and here i am now.

 

First month was tough, didn't see or hear from her. Had dreams almost every night, i blocked her on Facebook day 1, same with whatsapp and all other social media, so i really had no idea what she was up to. second month i felt a lot better, back to sport, met a girl, met old friends but still missed her.

 

I guess i really had hope she would come back in that "60 days" no contact period but she never did, now i guess i am moving passed the hope and really the disillusioned stage to the realisation that things won't ever come back to how they were. On days like today its very upsetting to have to confront that. I have these ideas that she might be too scared to reach out, and that if i just text even hello it might open up a pathway to talking and rekindling things, but then there is the complete other side that is saying that got you nowhere before, begging pleading , reasoning and all the rest really don't work, i realised that the first time we broke up, but after a long period of time as 70 days , you forget these mistakes and i suppose almost make them again. Any suggestions as to how to keep on moving through this stage? when you get over someone, is it mostly a gradual process or is there just a day you wake up and no longer wish to be with them? i do have times when i am very happy being single again, but they are outweighed by the thoughts of wanting to rekindled things at the moment.

[realfriends]

Hey,

 

Im in college too and can give you so far my personal experience as maybe it will help. You can read my story if you want. I was with a girl for close to 5 years and found out she cheated on me. Heart was ripped out and everything that goes along with it.

 

First month we met up a few times to talk and it accomplished nothing. I went strict NC there after and things were really hard. I felt like my life had just slipped out of my hand and felt hopeless. I made it through christmas (2 months NC) and still was not feeling much better. Still didn't want to do many things. Still very emotional. Its part of the process. I entertained the idea of change in my life and just bettered myself as much as I could. I was sick of being down in the dumps so I got myself out of it.

 

Im currently just past 4 months of NC i believe and can honestly say I feel a ton better than I did at the 2 months mark. I however have not seen a single picture or heard a single update about my ex because I choose not to.

 

To me it seems like you are trying to bump into her on accident. You need to avoid her like your life depended on it. Keep up NC. Pick up new things in your life. Better yourself and your life will get so much better.

 

 

Realfriends

[Trovador]

One tends to forget the bad moments of the rs and concentrate exclusively in the good ones, even if (or because) they were so few and far between...

 

But I trust you won't want to be treated again like a third class boyfriend and will put down the unhealthy desire of contact her...

 

No, nothing you could have done or said or thought would have changed the outcome of your rs, it wasn't your fault or your decision, she wanted that, she has to live with that, as you can't force anyone to love you...

 

Be firm, man, you are building a strong personality that soon another girl will fully appreciate...

[tlegend]

Oh that post is such a gold mine realfriends.

 

Currently, I see 1 like by a guy named "EtTuBrute", which if memory serves me correctly, is what Caesar said to his friend before his assassination according to the sensational Shakespeare play. I think

 

Either way, the irony of realfriends giving real advice that may or may not end in grief liked by the famous saying meaning "And you too, Brutus?" as Caesar was surprised his "realfriend" betrayed him.

 

Anyone else seeing the irony here?? Or did I drink WAY too much coffee today?

[jphcbpa]

give it another 4 to 6 weeks. you will be a different person.

 

it is probably really hitting you that this is over. you were in denial and holing out hope for something to happen within 60 days. This has not and you are now faced with reality.

 

you are keeping the door open for her. shut that door, let go and keep moving forward

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

You are at a milestone hun and u are bound to feel like that... espcially as everyone goes on about the 60 day thing and now u feel u have passed that its going to make u lose hope.. even tho I think he 60 day thing is just a generalised thing and anything can actually happen! x I know those feelings only too well but u are right to stay in NC especially if there was pleading and begging... and dont think your lack of communication has gone unnoticed because I very much doubt it would have done x

 

Just look at it as strengthening your case... every day u show more and more self respect and show u have moved on... u are going to be fine its just a "wave" and u have to ride it x

[loveandwar]

Thanks for the replies,

 

Realfreinds i think you may be right about trying to bump into her,

there are two libraries on campus, i have always attended this one that i am currently going to because it is far brighter and less stuffy, but for the sake of things i might switch to the other library until college finishes. it frustrates me that she has the ability to push me out of places that i thought were very much home for me on campus. i had to change my training times because she took up a new fitness program, it only lasted a few weeks but i have stuck with my new schedule anyway.

 

I have taken up a sport i let slip when i met her. its coming to a time in the season where it takes up an awful lot of my time which i find very beneficial because i find I'm not thinking much about her or the past. I don't think i would honestly take her back, she really did an awful lot to me and i really was very kind to her. I got blame shifted at the end too where the tiniest things i did became massive and major things she did were forgotten about completely.

I would love for her to contact me though, its not a good idea to base your self worth on someone else's opinion of you, but i do find that my confidence was hit from her never really chasing me or contacting me when things ended.

 

I look forward to finishing college, its only 6 weeks away, after that there will be no reason why we will ever cross paths again, and knowing that will really allow me to move on without the fear i will bump into her on campus. i thing the day i stop counting the "days of nc" will be a milestone.

[realfriends]

Thanks for the replies,

 

Realfreinds i think you may be right about trying to bump into her,

there are two libraries on campus, i have always attended this one that i am currently going to because it is far brighter and less stuffy, but for the sake of things i might switch to the other library until college finishes. it frustrates me that she has the ability to push me out of places that i thought were very much home for me on campus. i had to change my training times because she took up a new fitness program, it only lasted a few weeks but i have stuck with my new schedule anyway.

 

I have taken up a sport i let slip when i met her. its coming to a time in the season where it takes up an awful lot of my time which i find very beneficial because i find I'm not thinking much about her or the past. I don't think i would honestly take her back, she really did an awful lot to me and i really was very kind to her. I got blame shifted at the end too where the tiniest things i did became massive and major things she did were forgotten about completely.

I would love for her to contact me though, its not a good idea to base your self worth on someone else's opinion of you, but i do find that my confidence was hit from her never really chasing me or contacting me when things ended.

 

I look forward to finishing college, its only 6 weeks away, after that there will be no reason why we will ever cross paths again, and knowing that will really allow me to move on without the fear i will bump into her on campus. i thing the day i stop counting the "days of nc" will be a milestone.

 

I know I used to walk to class an unnecessary way in order to walk near she works. It got my heart pumping but I stopped real quick because its stupid. I actually avoid the surrounding area where all the food is as well now.

 

Im right there with you finishing my undergrad degree in 5 weeks or so!

 

And like you said, you will eventually stop counting how many days of NC you are. I have to really think hard to remember what month it was in and usually I don't give it much effort because it doesn't matter anymore. Just stay strong with NC

 

 

Realfriends

[loveandwar]

Right long story short i broke no contact around a month and a half ago and visited my ex at her house, we sat and talked in my car that night for a few hours and kind of recapped on the relationship and also talked about what we have been up to. It had been around 3 months no contact before this, and before that there was probably another month of on off talking since breaking up. In this time we have both come on quite a bit, both are much fitter, hang out with friends more often and have new things going on in our lives. After breaking no contact we texted for a while but i sensed things we not right and decided to begin chatting less and see if it would help. We met up every week or so for a chat and slowly began to talk more openly, but it was very much friend based. I tried to crack this a bit by holding hands and hugging and i got a neutral response i suppose, she wasn't negative but didn't know how she felt so wasn't exactly positive either. We stopped talking for around 3 weeks, then had a long discussion about what we both wanted, i tried to say in the least needy/ clingy way possible that i was open to trying again, she was hesitant and said we both have different views. We hugged and left it at that for a while. A week or so passed again and we ended up talking again, this time we kissed. I left things a few more weeks and tonight i ran into her in my gym. It was late and raining so i offered a lift home to her, and she accepted. We chatted on the way out, and hugged at the end, didn't really mention the relationship. Small things are changing, she really hugs back now, she is happy to see me and actually immerses in conversation, but it really is very slow progress.

 

We are both in final year, we both have an awful amount of study on our plates for the next two weeks, then 6 final exams, and then we are both off for a week on holidays with separate groups/ people. I am stressed and i don't really stress over exams. She does stress over exams and is also more than likely very stressed. for those reasons i won't contact her before they are all over. But is any of this a step in the right direction?

 

I only come in to college for an hour to go to the gym, it was really late and i spotted a friend of hers a day or two ago, its out of the ordinary for her to come in at that time, it doesn't really make sense, but i won't read into that too much. Also whatsapp the messenger app, i find she comes online and stays online until i go offline? are these positive signs? I can understand why she wouldn't commit to anything right now, there is just too much going on in our lives.

 

I am not exactly waiting around either i do get on with life and things are a lot easier than they used to be, being so involved with sport again and also exam period really leaves little time to think about it, but i do wonder if come summer things will turn around, we are both around for the summer, and all of next year.

She has said she loves me, she has feelings for me, but she really feels we don't connect well, and seem to end up arguing, its her main reason for not wanting to reconcile. I still very much love her, but from what i have learnt you really cannot talk someone into trying again, it has to come from their end. Does it look like any of this may allow that to happen?