Reconciliation after abuse?

[Wordguy]

Hi there,

 

Jus wondering if anyone ever went back to their ex after an incident of abuse happened. And if you did, did your partner abuse you again or was it safe?

 

The reason I ask is because I went through a situation where I abused my fiancee and she left me. For the past months I've been in counselling and changing my lifestyle. I was charged with assault and criminal harassment. The charges are still unresolved but I will most likely be given a peace bond and told to stay away regardless of the details.

 

I'm wondering if we will ever be able to speak to eachother again, let alone get back together.

For now, I'm moving on with my life and have been dating other women. I still wonder though if there is any hope for reconciliation after all this. I've read that less than 1%of abusers overcome their abusiveness so her fears are justified.

 

Has anyone ever been abused once, went back and their partner got counselling and lived happily ever after?

[Barby]

I was in an abusive marriage, I went back several times and he never changed as he promised so I ended it and moved so he couldn't find me to contact/harass or threaten me anymore.

 

 

I think it depends on the people and the sincerity of your efforts to change. If you're changing just to get her back, then it's pointless, but if you honestly see that you were making bad choices, harming people, ect and know you need to change....well maybe you can't win "her" back but you'll be a better person for your next relationship!

[Wordguy]

At first I was making the changes,as you said, to get her back. But then I decided that I would do it for myself first and if she came back then it would be a fringe benefit. I don't want this to ever happen again. It's been utterly devastating for my life, work and family (I lost them all as a result of one drunken push).

Right now, I could never see her forgiving me based on the things she's said and her actions thus far. But I have hope...we were best friends and lovers before this happened. Time heals as they say.

My counsellor thinks that if I give her time and don't pressure her she may come back if she recognises that I've truly changed. She is in counselling too, so who knows. We both had issues that needed to be dealt with. Mine were primarily around control.

[Kat]

First time it happened he apologised and was the nicest guy. Said he would get help etc.

 

It happened again he apologised and was the nicest guy. Said he would get help etc.

 

It happened again he apologised and was the nicest guy. Said he would get help etc.

 

One night I had had enough and left, 5 days later I found out I was pregnant.

 

he apologised and he would get help etc.

 

It happened again he apologised and was the nicest guy. Said he would get help etc. and I told him to beat it. He didn't let go for a few ytears and even resorted to harrassing me through family court.

 

He spent time in jail for assulting and stalking me while pregnant and is currently wanted in questioning of assult against my now partner.

 

He moved on and found another woman, which he abuses.

 

They don't change, at least that is what I have found.

[Barby]

I think if sincerely you're changing for YOU because you know what you did was wrong, then maybe later on down the line you might have a chance to get her back.

 

 

I don't know your whole story, nor is it really relevant. She may never feel comfortable enough to be back with you for whatever reason that caused you (as you said) to "abuse" her...maybe she feels that something that could come out again.

 

I can't say, nor can anyone else on LS that she will or will not come back. As I mentioned earlier, even if your relationship with her doesn't work out, you've learned a hard and I'm sure painful lesson, so for the next time you'll know better and be better off.

[whichwayisup]

Wordguy, I'm glad you're taking responsibility for your actions but sorry for your losses because of it. Stay with therapy, work on yourself and know that you will become a stronger and better person. You're half way there as you know and feel regret.

 

I do hope she comes around again and gives you a second chance.

 

Wish you all the best and hang in there!

[Matilda]

I'm glad you are doing some work on yourself even if you do not get back with your ex. My abusive ex-husband married 2 more times after our marriage, and was abusive in both of those marriages. He is now divorced for the 3rd time. Hopefully, you will be able to change your behavior so it doesn't affect future relationships.

[Wordguy]

For those of you who were abused, what was the impact (psychological, emotional, effect on your relationship trust etc..) of the abuse on you? How did it change the feelings towards your partner?

 

Hind sight being 20/20, what do you wish you made him do before accepting him back?

 

Can an abuser ever REALLY heal this breach and TRULY end the cycle of abuse or is just another neverending case of the classic abuser line 'it will never happen again, I promise' syndrome?

 

Remember, I pushed my ex and want to ensure this never happens again and hopefully demonstrate to her that I have overcome my control issues.

[Kat]

Originally posted by Wordguy

For those of you who were abused, what was the impact (psychological, emotional, effect on your relationship trust etc..) of the abuse on you? How did it change the feelings towards your partner?

 

For me it wasn't the physical abuse at all. It was the sexual abuse, the cheating and the mental and emotional abuse that has scarred me.

 

edit: in saying that I witnessed a woman getting slapped about by her boyfriend in public and broke down. So I guess it did effect me

 

Hind sight being 20/20, what do you wish you made him do before accepting him back?

Everything happens for a reason. If I hadn't taken him back I wouldn't have my daughter

 

Can an abuser ever REALLY heal this breach and TRULY end the cycle of abuse or is just another neverending case of the classic abuser line 'it will never happen again, I promise' syndrome?

They can change, but yo ucan't make them. I believe once the trust is broken it can't be mended. Start afresh with a new relationship.

 

Remember, I pushed my ex and want to ensure this never happens again and hopefully demonstrate to her that I have overcome my control issues.

Undergo counselling and you need to apologise to your ex and show her you mean it.

[moimeme]

Can an abuser change? Maybe. There was one dude (you?) who shoved his gf because he didn't like something she did. Essentially, if for any reason you think you have a right to physically express displeasure when someone doesn't do what you want that person to do, you're still a potential abuser. If you're a controlling person, if you're a road rager, if you experience anger as soon as things that you prefer not to have happen happen, then you have a long way to go. You have to understand that the only thing in life you can control is yourself. People will do things you don't like and you have zero right to damage them or even touch them to make them do your bidding or to behave the way you think they ought.

 

If even some thought still exists in your brain that somehow you'd have a right to push, hit, or otherwise damage another human unless that person was definitely about to harm you physically, then you are still a potential abuser and have a lot of work to do.

[whichwayisup]

Remember, I pushed my ex and want to ensure this never happens again and hopefully demonstrate to her that I have overcome my control issues.

 

And dealing with possible anger issues/past emotional baggage from childhood or previous relationships.

 

The mind is a powerful thing. I don't believe someone can change themselves 100% but they can damn well try their hardest to CONTROL the rough parts of them and just learn how to cope with various anger issues and/or verbal diaherra which could be emotionally abusive.

 

One of my Exboyfriends was not physically abusive to me but he did some nice emotional damage to me. Looking back at it now - It was control issues and I allowed him that power of me. I allowed HIM to make ME feel bad about myself when infact it wasn't me it was ALL HIS ISSUES.

 

Therapy and anger management could really help Wordguy. I DO hope that you work hard on yourself and get the happiness and love you deserve in life.

[Wordguy]

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. I'm committed to dealing with my issues and ensuring this never happens again.

 

I wrote my ex a letter. Let me know what you think. I think it shows her that I've changed with the therapy.

 

"I accept full responsibility for pushing you and acting the way I did since. I used abuse and harassment in an attempt to control you and it was wrong. I'm not blaming you, other people, stress, work or anything else for my choice. I'm through with making excuses for it , minimizing or denying what really happened. I chose to behave this way. It was wrong. I've told the truth to everyone including my family, friends and work colleagues to the best of my knowledge. I'm not trying anymore to make myself look good by saying you were 'cheating on me' etc. by dancing with that guy. I know that recovery from abusiveness takes a long time and I'll have to work at it for a long, long time.

 

 

 

I know what my behavior has cost you. I know that you have been hurt by what I've done, both emotionally and psychologically. I see now how this has effected your feelings for me. I know you are scared. I know you are hurt. I know you are angry. You have every right to do what you've done. My behavior has caused this lack of trust. I am so sorry for what I've done. I'm working hard to overcome the damage and want to give you back what is rightfully yours - the line of credit money being one. I am no longer going to harass you and will respect your choices and freedom to leave me. I understand that it will take you a long time to recover from what I've done to you.

 

 

 

I understand that you’re a human being with rights and I am no longer trying to take them away from you. No more double standards. I accept your right to be angry with me for what I've done. I am open to discussing my abuse with you if you need to talk about it. I respect your right to independence and your right to freedom. I won't contact anyone from (her work) or your family and acknowledge your right to date other men and make new friends. I won't invade your privacy or harass you anymore. I know that this behavior has affected you. I am no longer binge drinking either because it could cause me to lose control and I don't want that to happen .

 

 

 

I've acted very controlling with everything I've done since June 12th. I won't try to bully or intimidate you anymore into coming back to me. You need to be able to speak and act freely and feel safe doing so and I acknowledge that. I accept your right to be angry and I've been thinking allot about everything you've said to me about the way I've acted. I really want to understand what you're going through and be helpful. I won't communicate by manipulation anymore. If I am trying to control you, let me know and I will stop. I want to hear your feedback and criticism.

 

 

 

I won't try and convince you that your perception is off, that you’re crazy or that you’re being influenced by your father and friends anymore. I am stopping my abuse in all it's forms now. Completely, once and for all. I respect you so much and don't want to make you feel guilty for anything that's happened. I will not pressure you into giving me a second chance anymore. I won't intimidate you or make idle threats. I am willing to be supportive if you ask for it. I will no longer abuse you."

[Kat]

I don't mean to put a downer on it, because I know it took a lot..but

 

That letter sounds very forced and over the top. If I received that from my ex, I would read it as him telling me everything I wanted to hear and I would laugh at it.

 

You don't know how she feels and yet you tell her you do. You continue to say over and over again things that only need to be said once.

 

Nothing you say in a letter will heal anything. You need to say that to her face to face

 

Good luck buddy!

[JoL]

Im sorry to say- i have been in an abusive relationship which i recently got out of...he didnt hit me...but he raised a fist at me and i honestly thought he was going to beat the living s*** out of me.

 

Other than that, i had to put up with DISGUSTING verbal abuse of unimaginable proportions, threats, degrading behaviour...It was awful.

 

It has been nearly 2 months since it ended..but i still have awful, blood curdling nightmares about him.

I have never hated anyone in my life EVER..but i am SO close to hating him.

 

I dont know on what level you were abusive, other than the physical abuse. But your ex is probably dealing with her own emotions, problems and regrets right now.a post on my break-up:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t54981/

 

If she doesnt wish to reconcile, i would move on and leave her be. It is extremely traumatising to leave an abusive relationship..more than you can imagine.

 

Im sorry if i am not being very encouraging, i have my own issues regarding abuse (obviously) so it is very hard for me to imagine an abuser changing his ways.

[blind_otter]

I very recently got out of an abusive relationship. He did what I most feared he would do...

 

anyways, with criminal charges pending it is illegal for you to contact her in any way. You could be charged with "tampering with a witness". My ex called me a few times after the last violent incident, and that is part of the criminal charges pending against him.

 

Keep getting help. Move on. I hope the penalties aren't very severe.

[upsetnhurt]

What should be defined as abuse here. I have a story where my girls ex was abusive to me. See my thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t55343/. Good news to those who think they changed as instead of being hurt and scared by her ex, she seemed to be flattered. Although she did go to the police with me it seemed half hearted. So I guess my answer is that some people do give second chances to those who abuse.

[balloon]

Take heart wordguy...my girlfriend (now wife) and I had a similar situation years ago. I was abusive, charged even went to jail for 90 days. She didn't talk to me for 2 YEARS. Then out of the blue one day, I get a call from her saying she wanted to know how I was doing. I was in another relationship after completing months of therapy at the time, but thought she was my soulmate. Long story short- she said she never had the same feelings toward a man after we split. We started talking and eventually got back together. Our families and friends thought we were both crazy but we knew we were perfect for eachother. I never abused her after that one time and we are very happy together despite our troubled pasts.

 

It can happen....just not very often. I think it's best though you focus on the therapy first and avoid all contact. Let her come back to you. In the meantime, work on yourself and date other women.

[JoL]

Unfortunately the amount of people who can change after being abusive are in the very tiny minority (around 3% i think).

 

My ex will never change. He will never accept that his behaviour has caused me serious psychological and emotional damage. I am almost 100% sure he blames me for the entire break up. I know he will tell the next girlfriend, which he has no doubt already met, as he cannot stay single for more than a month, that i was selfish, mean, unforgiving and a user. I tolerated his disgusting behaviour towards me for a year..If anything i was weak and naive.

 

I am sure he will present himself as a gentleman, fun, exciting and devoted to this new girl.

And I am also 100% sure, without a doubt in my mind that he will abuse her verbally and emotionally as well.

If i saw him (god forbid! i dont want to ever see him again) walking down the street with a new girlfriend- i will feel am immense pain in my heart. Not for him..but for the poor girl he will destroy within the next year.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by JoL

Unfortunately the amount of people who can change after being abusive are in the very tiny minority (around 3% i think).

 

My ex will never change. He will never accept that his behaviour has caused me serious psychological and emotional damage. I am almost 100% sure he blames me for the entire break up. I know he will tell the next girlfriend, which he has no doubt already met, as he cannot stay single for more than a month, that i was selfish, mean, unforgiving and a user. I tolerated his disgusting behaviour towards me for a year..If anything i was weak and naive.

 

I am sure he will present himself as a gentleman, fun, exciting and devoted to this new girl.

And I am also 100% sure, without a doubt in my mind that he will abuse her verbally and emotionally as well.

If i saw him (god forbid! i dont want to ever see him again) walking down the street with a new girlfriend- i will feel am immense pain in my heart. Not for him..but for the poor girl he will destroy within the next year.

 

You know it JoL....my ex had a coupla girls on the back burner waiting, which amazed me because they KNEW he had tried to kill my friend. But I suppose in their minds, or whatever, it was justified because of his explanations.

[JoL]

Blind_Otter..what is it with abusive guys and keeping girls in the wings..waiting?! It's like something out of a horror movie..little does the girl know what's coming her way!!

 

How stupid was i- when i met him he was still living with his ex-girlfriend and they had JUST broken up. He had his eye on me during their break-up, though he denies this.

 

He has also told me that he has slept with other girls while temporarily broken up with someone..this has happeend more than once..do i see a pattern here?

 

When i construct the timeline of his relationships and sexual partners in my head, i know he has moved from to the other VERY quickly and will continue to do so.

 

That is why i am 99% sure he has already met his new victim.

[blind_otter]

 

The vindication I get is that he was playing 2 other girls after I got my restraining order, and then his bond got revoked, and it makes me smile deep down in my bitter, blackened heart, to think of him rotting away in prison for the next 10 years.

 

HAH. He can suck it. And he probably WILL.

[JoL]

He sounds like a real piece of work otter...

 

Just be glad that you got yourself away from him before he did any more damage!

[Wordguy]

I found out this week that the assault charges are being withdrawn. At least I know I won't be going to jail.

I still think about her allot though. But know I can't contact her or I will go to jail. I can only pray she calls me one day. Maybe now she may feel differently because the assault charges were dropped? It's been 8 months since she left and I still am haunted by her.

I'm contniuing with the therapy as well. I was dating a girl but dumped her after 3 months because I realized my heart wasn't ready for a serious relationship.

My therapist thinks I need to start loving myself some more and to forgive myself for what happened. I actually was having chest pains from the heartache of what happened.

[whichwayisup]

Wordguy...

 

You may never get that closure and forgiveness from her that it seems you're looking for. I'm sure it's not easy at all on you...Or her. But you need to forgive YOURSELF for what you did. Somehow.

And sticking with therapy will help you and give you the strength to work through it.

 

The fact that charges are dropped and you're not going to jail, take that as a sign. A new beginning and yes i know you really want to see her and talk to her...She may not want to with you. I'm sorry, I don't say that to hurt your feelings. Just forgive yourself, learn to love yourself all over again and put YOU first for a while.

 

All the best.

[ambrosia]

Wordguy - forget it, she won't come back to you. There will always be a nagging question in the back of her mind whether you might be abusive again, that will never go away. From her perspective it's better to be with someone (else) who has never been abusive than to be with someone who has been abusive no matter how much he has changed. Even if you "reconcile" it will be at best an uneasy friendship. Take it as a life lesson and start afresh. Hopefully you really have changed or you'll die a lonely old man. Good luck, I know if I found out that a man I was dating had been abusive even once, I would end it right there no matter how much he's changed - let someone else take a chance on him.