3 Year relationship ended - How to move forward [update]

[ahthepain]

Hi all,

 

I shall keep this as brief and to the point as possible.

 

My ex broke up with me after nearly three years of a great relationship over a couple of reasons - 1. My gambling and 2. She has lost her feelings for me and doesn't find me as attractive as she did. We didn't live together but spoke all the time by text throughout the day and would meet up all the time. We did literally everything together. Anywhere either of us had to go we would go together, shopping, cinema, post office ... you name it.

 

I have supported her through so much, her mother died at the start of the relationship and she was homeless so I helped her get a flat and get her back on her own two feet. We hadn't been meeting up as much as we use too over the last few months and maybe her feelings just went away slowly. She told me and said that it is 100% over. I went over the next day pouring my heart out to her begging, pleading but she was steadfast on never. She was happy to be friends. She seemed so cold about it. She even yawned when I was literally on my knees. So we had a last hug and I left.

 

That was some five days ago and we havn't communicated since. Only a day later she put a revealing picture on facebook and linked this twice her age ugly creep who likes her to a skimpy picture of herself. Surely she is lacking the attention I gave her? I sometimes see she is on facebook at 3am and 6/7am. Normally she sleeps right through the night, this gets me thinking she is missing me.

 

So what do I do? I want to play no contact, however I also want to move on if there is no hope she will return. She is the most stubborn girl I have ever met. Seriously very stubborn. I need to contact her about some money she owes me and some things we have of each others but I was waiting for her to make the first move, however that's implausible since she is having to pay me money maybe?

 

We were so great together and in all honestly I do think she would struggle to find someone who gave her so much love, life and laughter as I did, however. When I imagine her deleting me off facebook or posting a picture with another guy it makes me sick in my chest.

 

So what's my next move guys? Any advice would be so welcome.

[KaliLove]

Hi all,

 

I shall keep this as brief and to the point as possible.

 

My ex broke up with me after nearly three years of a great relationship over a couple of reasons - 1. My gambling and 2. She has lost her feelings for me and doesn't find me as attractive as she did. We didn't live together but spoke all the time by text throughout the day and would meet up all the time. We did literally everything together. Anywhere either of us had to go we would go together, shopping, cinema, post office ... you name it.

 

I have supported her through so much, her mother died at the start of the relationship and she was homeless so I helped her get a flat and get her back on her own two feet. We hadn't been meeting up as much as we use too over the last few months and maybe her feelings just went away slowly. She told me and said that it is 100% over. I went over the next day pouring my heart out to her begging, pleading but she was steadfast on never. She was happy to be friends. She seemed so cold about it. She even yawned when I was literally on my knees. So we had a last hug and I left.

 

That was some five days ago and we havn't communicated since. Only a day later she put a revealing picture on facebook and linked this twice her age ugly creep who likes her to a skimpy picture of herself. Surely she is lacking the attention I gave her? I sometimes see she is on facebook at 3am and 6/7am. Normally she sleeps right through the night, this gets me thinking she is missing me.

 

So what do I do? I want to play no contact, however I also want to move on if there is no hope she will return. She is the most stubborn girl I have ever met. Seriously very stubborn. I need to contact her about some money she owes me and some things we have of each others but I was waiting for her to make the first move, however that's implausible since she is having to pay me money maybe?

 

We were so great together and in all honestly I do think she would struggle to find someone who gave her so much love, life and laughter as I did, however. When I imagine her deleting me off facebook or posting a picture with another guy it makes me sick in my chest.

 

So what's my next move guys? Any advice would be so welcome.

 

She gave you your answer. It's over. Your next move is to delete her everywhere and move on. The sick feeling will pass. Whether she struggles to meet someone new or not is not your concern. You should concern yourself with healing and getting yourself to a point where you are able to meet someone who can appreciate the great person you are.

 

Also, her being on Facebook at 3am probably has nothing to do with you. You're really reaching with that.

[ahthepain]

Thank you Kalilove for the quick reply.

 

She normally sleeps right through the night, that's why I mentioned it. Also her putting up those pictures for the male attention?

 

This is my plan please be honest and objective -

 

I will ask to meet her one last time to sort out monies owed and swap over possessions. I am also compiling a album of our memories over the last 3 years with pictures and stories about each one., that's for her to keep and read when she likes, be it in a week, month, year or even 50 years. I believe it will be nice to have a reminder of the great times we had.

 

I am happy to do the no contact, but I do fear she will forget the great times we had hence why I want to do the album idea.

[KaliLove]

Sure thing..work is super boring today. Hehe

 

Honestly, and I'm going to be a little harsh right now because I think you need to hear it and can take it..if a guy I had just dumped and told that I never wanted to be with him gave me something like that I would be completely turned off and probably a little creeped out by it. She was with you for 3 years..she's not going to forget you. It's wonderful that you did all those nice things for her and were there for her when she needed you, but she's made her position clear. She's not interested.

 

So what if she's putting pictures up for male attention? She's a single woman. Yeah, it's a little immature, but she's entitled to post whatever she wants and behave however she wants. She's a single woman. It likely has nothing to do with you. She has been very, very clear with you. Listen to what she's telling you.

[organizedchaos]

Thank you Kalilove for the quick reply.

 

She normally sleeps right through the night, that's why I mentioned it. Also her putting up those pictures for the male attention?

 

This is my plan please be honest and objective -

 

I will ask to meet her one last time to sort out monies owed and swap over possessions. I am also compiling a album of our memories over the last 3 years with pictures and stories about each one., that's for her to keep and read when she likes, be it in a week, month, year or even 50 years. I believe it will be nice to have a reminder of the great times we had.

 

I am happy to do the no contact, but I do fear she will forget the great times we had hence why I want to do the album idea.

 

Don't make the album. Do NC. And please, no one forgets someone or memories with someone they spent 3 years with!

 

And delete her from FB for your own sanity!

[ahthepain]

God Kalilove you sure can make my heart bleed lol

 

I know you are right, it is just so hard to admit it. I feel the album would allow me to get all my feelings out and know that she has a nice memento of me whatever happens. She likes the soppy stuff aswell.

 

Her basic main reason was she just doesn't want the hassle of a relationship, she wants to be alone without many worries that a relationship can bring. I read the "Grass is greener sydrome" sticky and it is her all over she is 22, right in the zone.

 

I am being honest when I say I do believe she will make contact and maybe try to get back but I don't see it soon. It might be 3 weeks, 3 months or even longer. The problem is I should be moving on because a girl who does this to me isn't right for me? right?

 

I won over $250,000 and she broke up with me the next day. I can buy almost anything but the only thing I want in the world is her. Everytime I see a man I think that she could get with him and I feel sick.

[organizedchaos]

God Kalilove you sure can make my heart bleed lol

 

I know you are right, it is just so hard to admit it. I feel the album would allow me to get all my feelings out and know that she has a nice memento of me whatever happens. She likes the soppy stuff aswell.

 

Her basic main reason was she just doesn't want the hassle of a relationship, she wants to be alone without many worries that a relationship can bring. I read the "Grass is greener sydrome" sticky and it is her all over she is 22, right in the zone.

 

I am being honest when I say I do believe she will make contact and maybe try to get back but I don't see it soon. It might be 3 weeks, 3 months or even longer. The problem is I should be moving on because a girl who does this to me isn't right for me? right?

 

I won over $250,000 and she broke up with me the next day. I can buy almost anything but the only thing I want in the world is her. Everytime I see a man I think that she could get with him and I feel sick.

 

Well, at the very least, she wasn't sticking around just for your money. Invest that money in yourself. All these feelings are normal. I went through them too. 3 year relationship ended. Time and complete NC are the only way to heal.

[KaliLove]

You know my intentions are good though.

 

She's very young, I don't blame her for not wanting to be in a relationship..I didn't either at 22. She wants to go have some fun. Nobody knows what will happen in the future, but in the meantime, yes, you do need to move on.

 

Congrats on the big win, but if gambling is an issue perhaps you should focus on getting help. I could hold onto your money for safekeeping in the meantime...

 

No but seriously, I know it hurts..we're all going through break ups. It gets better..I swear. At least you know she wasn't with you for your money.

 

She liked soppy stuff when you were together, but I doubt she would like it now that you're not. I'm the same way. Big soppy gestures are only romantic if both parties are interested.

[ahthepain]

Thanks Chaos.

 

How should I contact her to meet up? I'm actually going to get my hair done, teeth whitened and a new suit. I was thinking of just a quick text asking to meet up for a coffee in town and we can exchange things that way and sort out the money? I shall pretend I have come from a job interview and hopefully her last image of me will be of a confident, well groomed young man, not a grovelling wreck on her living room floor lol.

[sooshi]

ahthepain, I'm sorry for what you're going through. You've helped this woman so much and now she doesn't seem to care to have you in her life anymore. I know that hurts really badly.

 

It hurt me when my ex-fiance deleted me off of Facebook too, without any word. I sent a short message to him on there, never received a response, and have just let it all alone. Yep, it still bothers me that we haven't had a peaceful ending, but all I can do is work on healing and being the best me I can be.

 

If were in this girl's position, I highly doubt she would want or keep the album if you make one. I know that you don't want her to forget all of the good times you've had--this is more about you than her at this point. Making the album won't help either of you. You could make it, and give it to her, but I am almost certain that she would throw it out as soon as she could. I know it hurts to hear that, and I'm sorry for that But I say this only because I really feel like the album isn't a good idea. It won't accomplish what you hope.

 

No contact is the way to go. This is how you move forward.

[KaliLove]

Thanks Chaos.

 

How should I contact her to meet up? I'm actually going to get my hair done, teeth whitened and a new suit. I was thinking of just a quick text asking to meet up for a coffee in town and we can exchange things that way and sort out the money? I shall pretend I have come from a job interview and hopefully her last image of me will be of a confident, well groomed young man, not a grovelling wreck on her living room floor lol.

 

 

Bro..no. Just no. Putting that much effort into exchanging stuff with your ex won't make her think you're confident, it'll make her think you're desperately trying to impress her, which you are.

[chris21422]

Dude, your are the prize not her.. Always think that way.. If someone doesn't want to be with you. Accept it like a man

 

It hurts damn hell but that's the reality. do not contact her..

 

If you want her to remember the memories you guys shared together. Let her own will do it.. If you keep popping in her sight it will not help both of you.. Especially you.

 

About the pictures she is posting in social media don't mind it at all..

 

Women do those things to show how strong they are.. Patrying pictures, posting pictures like they are living the life and nothing happened but trust me after some time they have to face the reality and they have to deal with the break up..

 

The best thing to do is to disappear. delete her FB, delete every way of communication.. If you want to get your money let some time past first.

 

Dude trust me.. If you really want to get things better follow the advice that people are saying here.

[ahthepain]

Thanks Sooshi and Kali again.

 

Ok so I have two dilemmas here.

 

1) I want to do the album because it will give me peace of mind that even though she is so stubborn if she finds the grass isn't as green as she thought she will read it and hopefully the emotions will come back to her. It's just I have so much I have to say to her. I want to tell her how I really felt when we did all the things we did together. I want her to know.

 

2) We need to meet up whatever, so I want to look good when we do so she remembers me that way.

[sooshi]

I agree with Kali that dressing up is just going to have this girl think you're trying to impress her (which really will have the opposite effect).

 

1) If you do the album and you give it to her, be prepared that she won't even look at it. If the simple act of creating it and handing it to her gives her peace of mind, then so be it. Also, be prepared that she won't accept it. I used to have a lot to say to my ex-fiance too. I kept it mostly to myself, wrote, etc. I'm sorry to say that I don't think this girl wants to hear or listen to what you want to say. And if this girl heard what you wanted to say, and you didn't get the response you hoped for, then would it truly not be painful for you? To have unleashed all of your thoughts and feelings, only to have no response (or no response that you wanted/expected)?

 

2) I was a crying wreck the last time my ex-fiance saw me. Understandably, I don't want to be remembered in that way, and at this point, I don't think he remembers me that way. I think he remembers me as a huge drama queen for something I did that wasn't meant to incite any harm. Thinking that hurts, but I'm not going to change it. It's up to him, just like it's up to your ex. Just be yourself. I doubt she will even think much of you looking good, apart from thinking that you want to impress her. I don't think that's really how she will remember you, because she simply isn't interested. I think it will probably turn her off even more if you try to look good for her.

Edited March 31, 2014 by sooshi

[KaliLove]

Well you seem pretty dead set on making these two gigantic mistakes, so I don't think you're going to listen to anyone who is telling you not to..but I'll give it one last try.

 

If I was her, I would be permanently turned off by both of these gestures. You cannot force someone to love you or want you. She's told you how she feels and you don't want to believe her. Your dilemmas are not dilemmas, she knows how you feel. She knows what you look like..she spent 3 years with you. All you will succeed in doing if you do either of those things is making yourself look desperate and pathetic to her.

 

My advice, which I know you won't take, is to let someone else make the exchange for you and to delete her everywhere and go NC.

[ahthepain]

Thanks sooshi,

 

Wow this is still so crazy happened nearly a week ago and I just can't belive it. I check facebook and get this horrible feeling incase she has deleted me even though it's over

 

I have never experienced pain like this and I feel just so hopeless.

 

So what's the best way to sort out all the stuff? I need to meet her to actually sort it out, can't be done through friends ect

[chris21422]

1) The album will not help bro. the begging and pleading already pushes her far away.

 

If you do this album and contacted her again she will see you as a annoying clingy beta guy and it will push her farther away..

 

I've been in your shoes 6 months ago. The best thing that I did is deleted my ex everywhere stayed away from social media. and focus on myself..

 

You said you won $250,000 if I have that kind of money I'll start a business and focus on making myself rich! rather than focusing on a woman who doesn't want to be with you.

 

I know what you are feeling right now and it's ok.. You miss her, you want her back, you think that you can't never find someone like her again.

 

It's all wrong bro. A better woman will come along and next time you won't make the same mistakes that you did in the past..

 

 

 

Thanks Sooshi and Kali again.

 

Ok so I have two dilemmas here.

 

1) I want to do the album because it will give me peace of mind that even though she is so stubborn if she finds the grass isn't as green as she thought she will read it and hopefully the emotions will come back to her. It's just I have so much I have to say to her. I want to tell her how I really felt when we did all the things we did together. I want her to know.

 

2) We need to meet up whatever, so I want to look good when we do so she remembers me that way.

[ahthepain]

Ok Kali I will forget the album for now and just have a nice haircut

 

I need to actually meet though so we can sort out the money.

[KaliLove]

Ok Kali I will forget the album for now and just have a nice haircut

 

I need to actually meet though so we can sort out the money.

 

Ok fine, haircuts are fine..just don't buy a brand new suit to go exchange stuff.

 

Why can't it be done through friends? What needs to be sorted out?

[sooshi]

It is really painful, I know We're here for you.

 

It would be best to not be the one to sort this out, if possible. To protect yourself.

Can it truly, truly not be done through a trusting mutual friend at all?

If not, then I think it's okay to meet her in person to do it (if this really can't be done through other means). But I do encourage avoiding making an album and giving it to her, as well as trying to look good, because it won't help you move forward (which is what you want!).

[KaliLove]

By the way, my ex husband still owes me $3k but I was so desperate to be rid of him that I told him to forget about it. It's just money. If it's not an exhorbitant amount, can you just forget about it? You did just win a whole **** ton of money after all.

[soccerrprp]

 

I will ask to meet her one last time to sort out monies owed and swap over possessions. I am also compiling a album of our memories over the last 3 years with pictures and stories about each one., that's for her to keep and read when she likes, be it in a week, month, year or even 50 years. I believe it will be nice to have a reminder of the great times we had.

 

I am happy to do the no contact, but I do fear she will forget the great times we had hence why I want to do the album idea.

 

Frankly, if I were you, I wouldn't do this. This is ALL for you, frankly. She didn't ask for it, she likely has many pics and memories, of course, to remember the good times. You are putting this together for YOU. I also wouldn't want to be reminded of someone that hurt me, someone of my past that should be left, as much as possible, in the past. It would be unfair for the next person in her life if she has this thing in her possession...then again, she could simply throw it out.

[ahthepain]

Because we need to discuss how much is owed and how she will pay it off ect.

 

Ok so if we met for coffee and had a last chat and I could say how much I enjoyed the last 3 years and mention my favorite parts, but that I am now moving on and respect her decision.

 

I was then going to say I don't think we can be friends because it won't work out like that. But I want her to know that the ball is in her court and she will have to make the first move - so say something like "if you are ever in danger or hurting call me".

 

Then leave it like that and delete her off facebook.

[soccerrprp]

I was then going to say I don't think we can be friends because it won't work out like that. But I want her to know that the ball is in her court and she will have to make the first move - so say something like "if you are ever in danger or hurting call me".

 

Then leave it like that and delete her off facebook.

 

Huh. I suspected that the book of memories was not entirely a selfless gesture.

[KaliLove]

Because we need to discuss how much is owed and how she will pay it off ect.

 

Ok so if we met for coffee and had a last chat and I could say how much I enjoyed the last 3 years and mention my favorite parts, but that I am now moving on and respect her decision.

 

I was then going to say I don't think we can be friends because it won't work out like that. But I want her to know that the ball is in her court and she will have to make the first move - so say something like "if you are ever in danger or hurting call me".

 

Then leave it like that and delete her off facebook.

 

NO! NO NO NO! Just discuss money and exchange stuff and then delete and go NC. All that conversation will tell her is that you are a mess who spends all his time pining over her and that you'll be waiting by your phone for her to call.

 

If she wants you in the future she will find you but you can't wait around hoping she will change her mind. You actually have to move on, and eventually you'll date other people and so will she, if she's not already.