3 Year relationship ended - How to move forward [update]

[sooshi]

Yep, what Kali said.

[ahthepain]

Ok thank you all so much for the advice. It really means alot.

 

Ok so here is how it goes - I text her to ask to meet in town over a quick coffee to exchange final things and sort out the money. I don't mention anything about our relationship (even though I'm going crazy here to ask her why she isn't thinking about the hundreds of amazing times we had even only a few weeks ago like trips to Italy ...) and I say it won't work being friends but I wish her the best for the future and leave?? Sound good?

 

Can I say "ring me if you are in danger or hurting" because I still care about her.

[ahthepain]

Also quick question - All I have of hers is a pair of jeans and jumper so she might not even want it back but the money needs to be sorted. It's about £1000 but I shouldn't let the women who broke my heart get away with that aswell - plus I spent alot on her the day before we broke up.

 

1) I go complete no contact now - delete off facebook never ever talk to her again unless she comes begging for me. Downside is I won't get my money but will it make her think twice if she thinks "Wow he is ready to move on and delete me from his life and not even care about the money" maybe that will make her want me more??

 

2) I get the money and she feels even worse about me because I asked for the money back.

[chris21422]

I say let some time past first. Focus on healing bro.

 

It's not wrong to get your money if you really need it but I think right now is not a good time for it..

 

You talked to her when you are ready and when you are healed.

 

 

Also quick question - All I have of hers is a pair of jeans and jumper so she might not even want it back but the money needs to be sorted. It's about £1000 but I shouldn't let the women who broke my heart get away with that aswell - plus I spent alot on her the day before we broke up.

 

1) I go complete no contact now - delete off facebook never ever talk to her again unless she comes begging for me. Downside is I won't get my money but will it make her think twice if she thinks "Wow he is ready to move on and delete me from his life and not even care about the money" maybe that will make her want me more??

 

2) I get the money and she feels even worse about me because I asked for the money back.

[ahthepain]

Ok so that's it. Tomorrow I shall delete her off facebook and NC.

 

What if she contacts me asking about her cloths back? What should I say and do?

 

Also what about all our facebook pictures ... hundreds of us on holidays and everywhere. Literally all my pictures have us in together.

[KaliLove]

Ok thank you all so much for the advice. It really means alot.

 

Ok so here is how it goes - I text her to ask to meet in town over a quick coffee to exchange final things and sort out the money. I don't mention anything about our relationship (even though I'm going crazy here to ask her why she isn't thinking about the hundreds of amazing times we had even only a few weeks ago like trips to Italy ...) and I say it won't work being friends but I wish her the best for the future and leave?? Sound good?

 

Can I say "ring me if you are in danger or hurting" because I still care about her.

 

She remembers the good times..she was there. No..don't say anything. If you say any of that, you will be waiting by the phone for her to call you. She's lost the priviledge of having you be there if she's hurting or in danger by dumping you. If you see her bleeding in the middle of the street then yeah, go save her. Otherwise, leave it alone.

 

You can definitely tell her that you can't be friends and to please not contact you.

 

If she ever wants you back in the future, she'll let you know. Trust me. You don't need to say any of that other junk.

 

The money thing can be done over the phone with a VERY quick conversation, and a friend can bring her stuff back to her. You're reaching.

 

I know you think I'm being mean but I'm not. I'm trying to spare you your dignity. All the stuff you want to do and say..we all want to do and say that. But it's not going to bring her back..it's going to push her even further away and it's going to hinder YOUR healing, and YOU are the one who matters here, not her.

[organizedchaos]

Ok Kali I will forget the album for now and just have a nice haircut

 

I need to actually meet though so we can sort out the money.

 

You just won $250k. What is this money situation that needs to be sorted out?

[ahthepain]

She remembers the good times..she was there. No..don't say anything. If you say any of that, you will be waiting by the phone for her to call you. She's lost the priviledge of having you be there if she's hurting or in danger by dumping you. If you see her bleeding in the middle of the street then yeah, go save her. Otherwise, leave it alone.

 

You can definitely tell her that you can't be friends and to please not contact you.

 

If she ever wants you back in the future, she'll let you know. Trust me. You don't need to say any of that other junk.

 

The money thing can be done over the phone with a VERY quick conversation, and a friend can bring her stuff back to her. You're reaching.

 

I know you think I'm being mean but I'm not. I'm trying to spare you your dignity. All the stuff you want to do and say..we all want to do and say that. But it's not going to bring her back..it's going to push her even further away and it's going to hinder YOUR healing, and YOU are the one who matters here, not her.

 

 

Thanks Kali,

 

Ok so here is my new plan. She can keep the £1000, well atleast until a few months and I am over her (hopefully so soon) then I can ask to meet up and see if she will pay (im sure she will).

 

If she asks for her cloths I will drop them off with her neigbours when she is at work.

 

Because she is so stubborn and I would take her back in a heartbeat I wouldn't want to think she is sitting by the phone when she is hurt and actually wants to make contact but won't because I didnt say something like "call me if you are hurting"

[ahthepain]

You just won $250k. What is this money situation that needs to be sorted out?

 

She owes me £1000 for a vehicle I helped her buy. I'm not too fussed about the money now.

 

I actually think just NC without even asking sends out a really strong signal.

 

I kind of want a friend to post her the Grass is greener sydrome text.

[organizedchaos]

Ok so that's it. Tomorrow I shall delete her off facebook and NC.

 

What if she contacts me asking about her cloths back? What should I say and do?

 

Also what about all our facebook pictures ... hundreds of us on holidays and everywhere. Literally all my pictures have us in together.

 

If she contacts you for her clothes? Mail them back.

 

FB pictures? Remove them. Having them readily available for you to see will only slow down your healing process.

[organizedchaos]

She owes me £1000 for a vehicle I helped her buy. I'm not too fussed about the money now.

 

I actually think just NC without even asking sends out a really strong signal.

 

I kind of want a friend to post her the Grass is greener sydrome text.

 

Then let it go and do not have a friend do anything for you.

 

Do you not see how anything you do right now will make you look weak and desperate and do the exact opposite of what you hope to accomplish? Silence is your power play.

 

She can't miss you if you don't go away. Completely.

 

Read this

[ahthepain]

It seems so crazy this is happening. I may never speak to the girl of my dreams every again. Who only a week ago told me how much she loved me and wanted to spend her life with me.

 

On facebook I was going to make it open so anyone can view so if she wants to she can see how much I am moving on in terms of going out, making new friends, maybe even a date or two? Would that make her more likely to want me back or if she can't see my page at all or has to go through a friend is that better?

[KaliLove]

Thanks Kali,

 

Ok so here is my new plan. She can keep the £1000, well atleast until a few months and I am over her (hopefully so soon) then I can ask to meet up and see if she will pay (im sure she will).

 

If she asks for her cloths I will drop them off with her neigbours when she is at work.

 

Because she is so stubborn and I would take her back in a heartbeat I wouldn't want to think she is sitting by the phone when she is hurt and actually wants to make contact but won't because I didnt say something like "call me if you are hurting"

 

She's not sitting by the phone waiting for you to call. Again..if she wanted to be with you, she would let you know. Frankly she's probably out being a normal 22 year old.

 

Bad plan with the money. You know you're just going to be waiting for those few months and then you'll use it as an excuse to get in touch with her and hope that she'll take you back. You won't heal at all if you do this. Send her an email letting her know you'd like to work out a payment plan and that she can mail checks to you according to that plan. In the email you can tell her that you can't be her friend.

 

Mail the clothes back (do NOT include a note in the package) and be done with it. If she wants you, she will find you.

 

As far as FB goes, take the pics down after you block her. As OC said, it will only slow down your healing process. Delete them from your computer too. Save them on a flash drive and then give the flash drive to a friend so you're not tempted to stare at them constantly.

[KaliLove]

It seems so crazy this is happening. I may never speak to the girl of my dreams every again. Who only a week ago told me how much she loved me and wanted to spend her life with me.

 

On facebook I was going to make it open so anyone can view so if she wants to she can see how much I am moving on in terms of going out, making new friends, maybe even a date or two? Would that make her more likely to want me back or if she can't see my page at all or has to go through a friend is that better?

 

So you would only go on dates with other women to try to make your ex jealous? That's terrible. How do you think those girls would feel if they knew you were using them like that? Nice guys don't do that..that's a dick move.

[organizedchaos]

It seems so crazy this is happening. I may never speak to the girl of my dreams every again. Who only a week ago told me how much she loved me and wanted to spend her life with me.

 

On facebook I was going to make it open so anyone can view so if she wants to she can see how much I am moving on in terms of going out, making new friends, maybe even a date or two? Would that make her more likely to want me back or if she can't see my page at all or has to go through a friend is that better?

 

STOP IT, just STOP IT! We've all lost the person we've loved.

 

Don't do anything. How much clearer do I or anyone else need to be???

[Sasukie]

It seems so crazy this is happening. I may never speak to the girl of my dreams every again. Who only a week ago told me how much she loved me and wanted to spend her life with me.

 

On facebook I was going to make it open so anyone can view so if she wants to she can see how much I am moving on in terms of going out, making new friends, maybe even a date or two? Would that make her more likely to want me back or if she can't see my page at all or has to go through a friend is that better?

 

Hey bud, you seem to not understand something. Right now all the questions you're asking is "How do I play this mind game to get her to want me back?". A lot of us have gone through this, and no one is really any different.

 

You can't control someone's feelings or emotions. Get that.

We're advising you not to do these minor things because honestly if those shabby actions can get a girl to flip 180 and fall for you, what kind of girl is that?

 

I've said this to others before, either you can be your naive self and have huge expectations that doing all this garbage will bring her back to you and then get slapped in the face when you do meet her and she tells you that she's already found someone else, or face the truth now, delete her (at first I thought it was hard, but then you realize you free up so much of your time) and then continue with your life.

 

Stop dragging this out. Its your choice, toughen up and keep going forward, or waste 2 months of your time making up a plan which will ultimately fail.

 

Let her go.

[ahthepain]

I meant legit dates. I wouldn't use a women I'm not like that.

 

Ok I shall just delete her. The only way she would then be able to see my facebook was if she looked through a mutual friend and there is nothing I can do about that.

 

I understand what you mean about the money. The problem is she doesn't have it now so it would be in installments or if she could take out a loan. I don't want to check my account and find she hasn't made a payment because that would mean I would have to break NC.

 

She can have the money. Should I drop her cloths off without her asking?

[Sasukie]

Btw - if you take 5 minutes to actually read out loud your posts. (Just do it) You'll realize how despicable you sound and that you're belittling yourself.

 

YOU are trying to prove something to a girl by having a nice hair cut, by doing all these shameless things to get her attention.

 

That's pathetic.

 

Like I said, do it, get burnt, and in a weeks time come back and tell us how much it hurt, and we'll give you a pat and a "Told you so, should have listened."

[ahthepain]

Hey bud, you seem to not understand something. Right now all the questions you're asking is "How do I play this mind game to get her to want me back?". A lot of us have gone through this, and no one is really any different.

 

You can't control someone's feelings or emotions. Get that.

We're advising you not to do these minor things because honestly if those shabby actions can get a girl to flip 180 and fall for you, what kind of girl is that?

 

I've said this to others before, either you can be your naive self and have huge expectations that doing all this garbage will bring her back to you and then get slapped in the face when you do meet her and she tells you that she's already found someone else, or face the truth now, delete her (at first I thought it was hard, but then you realize you free up so much of your time) and then continue with your life.

 

Stop dragging this out. Its your choice, toughen up and keep going forward, or waste 2 months of your time making up a plan which will ultimately fail.

 

Let her go.

 

 

Thanks Sasuki,

 

I shall move on with the best intentions of her not coming back and if she does make contact I can cross that bridge when it comes, however I should accept that she is never going to contact me ever again and just take the pain ... the unbearable pain and get on with it.

[ahthepain]

Btw - if you take 5 minutes to actually read out loud your posts. (Just do it) You'll realize how despicable you sound and that you're belittling yourself.

 

YOU are trying to prove something to a girl by having a nice hair cut, by doing all these shameless things to get her attention.

 

That's pathetic.

 

Like I said, do it, get burnt, and in a weeks time come back and tell us how much it hurt, and we'll give you a pat and a "Told you so, should have listened."

 

Easy man. Not an easy time for me right now my head is everywhere. Just bouncing ideas off people.

[organizedchaos]

I meant legit dates. I wouldn't use a women I'm not like that.

 

Ok I shall just delete her. The only way she would then be able to see my facebook was if she looked through a mutual friend and there is nothing I can do about that.

 

I understand what you mean about the money. The problem is she doesn't have it now so it would be in installments or if she could take out a loan. I don't want to check my account and find she hasn't made a payment because that would mean I would have to break NC.

 

She can have the money. Should I drop her cloths off without her asking?

 

 

You shouldn't be going on any dates right now. You need time to heal on your own.

 

OMG.

 

DON"T DO ANYTHING!

[Sasukie]

No problem, I know it sucks - and you probably want to contact her, but you'll realize one thing:

 

Once a relationship like a vase, is broken. It will never be the same. Why? Because there will be cracks and water will seap through.

 

You didn't lose it all, its honestly one girl. You'll have phases of depression and what not, but it'll hopefully on last for 2-3 months. Afterwards should be a little better. Surround yourself with friends, vent it out, its cool.

 

Most of all don't mope around at home like I did, you'll not want to do anything.

 

Good luck man.

[ahthepain]

Thanks guys.

 

Step 1 - Ok so tomorrow I am going to download all of our photos together off facebook and any on my PC onto a USB stick. I will put all her cards, letters, teddys, pictures and the USB into a box and give it to a friend.

 

Step 2 - Delete her off Facebook. Delete her number. Delete her online gaming accounts ect

 

Step 3 - Drop her cloths off, a USB of our recent Italy trip pictures to a neighbors house when she is at work.

 

Step 4 - Try not to go on her facebook page? Will seeing her dating or posting pictures upset me during NC?

[Sasukie]

I like the steps. 1's good - you'll realize 2 months after not seeing any of those memory objects you'll forget about them and realize they were good at that past point in time. No extra value in your future

 

Step 2 - Do it. Delete the txts and the number, you'll realize maybe you were too zoned in on her, spent too much time and forgot about your friends. Good step 2.

 

Step 3 - you don't have to do the picture stuff, just drop the clothes off at a mutual friend's and ask respectfully if they can do a favor of giving back the stuff to her. (Good)

 

Step 4 - honestly your heart is wounded right now - you literally have one bandage on it to heal. The moment you hear anything about this girl, name, picture, girls with the same hair, your wound will open up again. I know this from experience. Thus, block her bro. block it so you don't see her on your feeds.

 

Don't search her up on fb, I know you want to keep tabs on her, but why. You're actively typing up her name and hurting yourself.

 

Keep these steps up and you'll be able to jumpstart yourself. Who knows whats going to happen in the future, who you'll meet. But at least you'll know you're getting a fresh start. Be thankful this happened now after 3 wonderful years. And not when you are married.

[organizedchaos]

Thanks guys.

 

Step 1 - Ok so tomorrow I am going to download all of our photos together off facebook and any on my PC onto a USB stick. I will put all her cards, letters, teddys, pictures and the USB into a box and give it to a friend.

 

Step 2 - Delete her off Facebook. Delete her number. Delete her online gaming accounts ect

 

Step 3 - Drop her cloths off, a USB of our recent Italy trip pictures to a neighbors house when she is at work.

 

Step 4 - Try not to go on her facebook page? Will seeing her dating or posting pictures upset me during NC?

 

#3 - have you not read anything anyone has told you? Go ahead, do it then.

 

#4 - gee, you think seeing her with another dude is not going to upset you???

 

Ugh, I give up.