3 Year relationship ended - How to move forward [update]

[ahthepain]

I think she is probably happy to see the counciller because

 

a) She thinks it will make me feel better and we can work out being friends.

 

b) She does still love me but she just wants no hassle of a relationship and to be alone when she wants, but there is still abit of hope for her.

 

In my honest opinion it is alot more likely to be A.

 

If she wasn't my best friend and we didn't spend all day chatting and doing everything together I could let go of her alot easier, but I still want her as a friend so badly.

 

She says she needs time and space and even in her own words it isn't going to be a few weeks or a month. She is thinking atleast a year. I think if I have any chance of winning her back I have to act now and show my hand and see if she wants to give it another shot. If she doesn't now then it won't happen in the future because I'll have moved on regardless.

[smuggy95]

I became friends with my ex. It was disappointing. I was no longer the object of her pursuit, and so we did chat and hang out, but it was NEVER THE SAME.

that's because it's not the same. She treated me the way one would treat a true, honest to god, sister-friend.

She'd say hi once in awhile, but this would drop off as she made new sets of friends. If we did start seeing each other more often, I'd get a VERY strong feeling that I was cramping her style.

 

 

She wasn't looking for anyone actively for months (was busy with school etc) OP, but she was open to it, and being open to it meant not having an ex hanging around all of the time making things awkward.

 

 

Then as we hung out I'd hear tidbits from mutual friends about recent crushes and people they've checked out together. Out of respect she didn't say it in front of me directly, but I began to notice she was enjoying her single status. (single = minus me as an anchor).

And then the flirting with other people started, checking people out. becoming obviously upset hearing other people were already married etc.

 

 

Is that what you want? To feel like an anchor that is holding eople down? Maybe even something she cares about but in a poor pitying kind of way?

[ahthepain]

Thank you for the excellent post smuggy,

 

You are right. I'm guessing being her friend lets her let go of any guilt or feelings of missing me she has over the next few months, then she won't even text at all or just for the odd occasion and I will feel like I am still chasing her all the time.

 

Well we shall go to the relationship counciller next week and she doesn't change her mind to give it another go (1% chance she will) then I will take the advice and go NC.

[BC1980]

Thank you for the excellent post smuggy,

 

You are right. I'm guessing being her friend lets her let go of any guilt or feelings of missing me she has over the next few months, then she won't even text at all or just for the odd occasion and I will feel like I am still chasing her all the time.

 

Well we shall go to the relationship counciller next week and she doesn't change her mind to give it another go (1% chance she will) then I will take the advice and go NC.

 

It seems like a nice thing to say, "let's be friends," but it's not going to work out the way you want it to. You're basically letting her ease out of your life. It's so much better to simply cut contact quickly.

[ahthepain]

Ok so I'll hit the relationship counciller with her and see how that goes.

 

Would the counciller telling her it wont work as friends and for her to do NC make it worse. It would wouldn't it?

 

I then have zero power.

[ahthepain]

Well I text my ex this morning after a good chat last night and she didn't reply at all today.

 

She is doing that deliberatly.

 

She must love the power. I told her yesterday she has all the power when I was drunk. Now she is using it. But why would she want to hurt me like this?

[Sasukie]

Because her power is over 9000.

[ahthepain]

It also doesn't help we actually met on world of warcraft ...

 

She is a stunning gamer chick and can get attention from anyone she wants. That made me want her more.

 

I'm seriously thinking about not actually even texting her about going to this relationship person and going NC. Then ignoring her now for a few months.

 

Need to have the power back!

[ahthepain]

Update :

 

So after we met on Friday for some drinks and chatted about the old times, she even said she still loves me just not as much as I'd like. I mentioned going to a relationship councillor and she was happy to do that.

 

She hasn't text me back since Saturday but I told her how annoyed her not texting me back made me on Friday so she is doing it for the power I think..

 

A big reason she broke up has to do with her new friends at work. They are such a bad influence on her and go through boyfriends like clean underwear. They have made the single and care free life so much more good looking to my ex.

 

I have made our relationship counciller appointment on Thursday evening but I'm not sure what to do. Should we go? She is 100% over me, she just wants her own space and no worries of relationships but why would she agree to see a counciller together? I feel that she is still close to me getting her back I saw glimmers in her on Friday, but it still hurts like an open wound when I think of her all the time.

 

Any advice is much appreciated.

[martaldn]

Update :

 

So after we met on Friday for some drinks and chatted about the old times, she even said she still loves me just not as much as I'd like. I mentioned going to a relationship councillor and she was happy to do that.

 

She hasn't text me back since Saturday but I told her how annoyed her not texting me back made me on Friday so she is doing it for the power I think..

 

A big reason she broke up has to do with her new friends at work. They are such a bad influence on her and go through boyfriends like clean underwear. They have made the single and care free life so much more good looking to my ex.

 

I have made our relationship counciller appointment on Thursday evening but I'm not sure what to do. Should we go? She is 100% over me, she just wants her own space and no worries of relationships but why would she agree to see a counciller together? I feel that she is still close to me getting her back I saw glimmers in her on Friday, but it still hurts like an open wound when I think of her all the time.

 

Any advice is much appreciated.

 

U had 16 pages of advises and you are just ignoring them.

U said you would be NC from page 1.. 16 pages after you are still talking to her and let you treat like dirty underwear .

Im sorry if I am harsh but I see myself so much in the way you are - so weak and so stubborn to believe things are gonna change when are clearly going to the opposite direction.

[ahthepain]

Hi Martald,

 

I have taken so much from all the advice over this thread. And I did no contact however strange circumstances happened.

 

I am now really unsure what to do about this councilling. She is waiting for me to text her when we are going but I know that if I just dropped her stuff off with a friend and never contacted her it would either make her think she's lost me (she will probably be happy) or she will be pissed off about how I handled it.

[martaldn]

Hi Martald,

 

I have taken so much from all the advice over this thread. And I did no contact however strange circumstances happened.

 

I am now really unsure what to do about this councilling. She is waiting for me to text her when we are going but I know that if I just dropped her stuff off with a friend and never contacted her it would either make her think she's lost me (she will probably be happy) or she will be pissed off about how I handled it.

 

does she know about the appointment? I think if she is really interested in make things work she would contact you at some point asking you about the counselling otherwise just take it as a "I dont want to work on it"

 

I dont think you should be worried about what she thinks at this point. Just leave things be. sometimes is for the best.

if you dont try you will never know!!

[ahthepain]

No I havn't told her yet.

 

I was seeing if she was going to message me asking about it.

 

She is over me I can tell but there is still something there. I did so much for her showered her in attention and she loved it. Bought her surprise holidays abroad. Bought her vehicles. She didn't use me but now she doesn't want the problems that come with being in a relationship.

 

She is only 22, but what we have is special. It really is/was.

 

So what should I do? Tell her about the appointment?

[martaldn]

No I havn't told her yet.

 

I was seeing if she was going to message me asking about it.

 

She is over me I can tell but there is still something there. I did so much for her showered her in attention and she loved it. Bought her surprise holidays abroad. Bought her vehicles. She didn't use me but now she doesn't want the problems that come with being in a relationship.

 

She is only 22, but what we have is special. It really is/was.

 

So what should I do? Tell her about the appointment?

 

no i dont think you should. I think U have done enough to show her how much you care about her but she is not reciprocate.

you need to learn to fight for something worth to fight and this is not worth it anymore.

she is special for you but you are not longer special for her.

its hard to swallow but you need to open your eyes and let her go.

[ahthepain]

That is so hard to do

 

We had so much going for us.

[martaldn]

That is so hard to do

 

We had so much going for us.

 

nobody said it will be easy but you need to try...

start reading your posts from page 1 to now and you will see you didn't make any progress in getting better. you are just repeating the same mistakes all over again.

[ahthepain]

Thanks again all.

 

I know that I should do NC and move on with my own life and try to forget her.

 

But what about the counciller? She is offering me an opportunity I can't really refuse. I think that I would regret it afterwards if I didn't atleast try this one last time.

[ahthepain]

UPDATE :

 

Spoke to my ex on the phone and she can't make the relationship counciller because she is at work, however is still fine to see one.

 

Got some more closure and she wasn't feeling that much affection towards me over the last couple of months and just had to say it. Says thinking of being in a relationship makes her feel sick. I'm positive she won't get with another guy and she really does just want to be alone (never has been alone her whole life).

 

I once again told her I care for her so much and miss her but respect her wishes. In my mind it is now over no shadow of a doubt. So now I just have to find the best way to move forward. We could still be friends but I know you guys would say NO!

 

I have some stuff to drop off now and have a choice to fix up the relationship counciller. So I think I'll go complete NC and drop her stuff off with friend.

 

It hurt to hear that she doesn't think about me during the day when I think of her every waking second but oh well. I just text her a couple of pictures of my dog who she loved and our family and her and said "don't forget the great times ... we could have had so many more".

 

Now for NC until she returns begging ... which isn't going to happen ...

[iDrumKing]

I just text her a couple of pictures of my dog who she loved and our family and her and said "don't forget the great times ... we could have had so many more".

 

Now for NC until she returns begging ... which isn't going to happen ...

 

Dude leave her the **** alone.

[ahthepain]

Dude leave her the **** alone.

 

Why?

 

She tells me to ring or text her if I want to if I feel lonely.

[leesc90]

hey man, i think our BUs happened at the same time with pretty similar scenarios. i chose a very different route than you did. i groveled, made it claer i wanted to work on our relationship, and then popped out of her life. there have been moments i could have had an excuse to contact her, but havent just due to advice given here. i will say, its been almost 7 days of NC and i feel a lot better. i feel a scab over the wound and already feel so much independence/esteem coming back. i would highly suggest you leave her alone and just get on with your life. i love the woman who dumped me to no end, but its the only card that is really available to u/me

[KaliLove]

Why?

 

She tells me to ring or text her if I want to if I feel lonely.

 

She's just being nice.

 

You'll never move on as long as you keep contacting her. You will try to read into every single thing she says and does..you'll see it all as a 'sign' that she wants you back. You will continue to torture yourself for as long as you allow this to go on. I speak from experience.

 

Pull yourself together. You're making a fool of yourself.

[BC1980]

It hurt to hear that she doesn't think about me during the day when I think of her every waking second but oh well. I just text her a couple of pictures of my dog who she loved and our family and her and said "don't forget the great times ... we could have had so many more"

 

Just stop. You are going to regret this in a few months.

[smuggy95]

and it's "counselor" not counciller.

 

 

It's ok dude, just focus on yourself right now. You're thinking too much on guessing what she wants/needs and how to give it to her. Happiness is like a muscle, ok? You let all the other parts that make you happy, like friends, or hobbies, atrophy, and it's time to work out those other parts to make you strong and balanced again. Ok?

[TiredFamilyGuy]

OP, just read your whole thread.

 

It struck a chord with me - I spent years hurting after being left by a long term GF, in my 20s.

 

All the people saying Move On, go NC, stay out of her life, avoid FB .. They are all correct.

 

The feelings of failure, of loss, will go away. You are making a big

Mistake by focussing your energy on this past relationship instead of opening the door to new things - a journey, a new skill, work, good times with other friends.

 

My greatest regret is spending all that time on such regrets. Like me you will gain perspective in time. Meantimes you are feeding an aspect of yourself, the needy regret, that will only give you pain.

 

You helped her out, and for some of us we commit to people we help. All very sad. But you must pull yourself together from this everyday mini-tragedy and move on.

Edited April 8, 2014 by TiredFamilyGuy