3 Year relationship ended - How to move forward [update]

[ahthepain]

I am taking on everything and I thank you so much. It would be much harder without you guys.

 

I went through a traumatic time when I was younger and I feel this might be bringing the memories back.

 

I have a few very close friends but not many of the usual just friends people have. I have anxiety to a certain extent aswell.

 

I just wanted to be next to her, even just as her friend. I miss her so much. I'm so lonely without her.

 

It's been a week and I feel worse

[KaliLove]

Are you in therapy? It sounds like you desperately need to be.

 

You cannot shape your whole life around one other human being. Do you understand how much pressure that puts on that other person, to be your whole life? It's crushing. It's so unfair to her. I'd be willing to bet that's at least part of the reason she broke up with you is that you were smothering her.

 

In your next relationship, which hopefully won't be for quite a while because you're definitely not ready, you can't make your girlfriend your entire life. It's just not fair.

[ahthepain]

It was a two way thing. I was her best friend and her life too. I was her only family.

 

Obviously something went wrong -GIGS, which I can do nothing about.

 

I'm having therapy but saying that makes me feel that there is something even more wrong with me and I'm hurting more than the other people here?

[KaliLove]

It was a two way thing. I was her best friend and her life too. I was her only family.

 

Obviously something went wrong -GIGS, which I can do nothing about.

 

I'm having therapy but saying that makes me feel that there is something even more wrong with me and I'm hurting more than the other people here?

 

Uh..excuse me but no you are not hurting more than the other people here. You're just acting weaker than a lot of them and you've been doing some really dumb **** that we've all told you not to do. Break ups hurt EVERYONE. You're not any different than anyone else.

 

You said she's been going out with her friends a lot lately and talking to another dude she had a one night stand with. So you clearly weren't her whole life. Now it's your turn to do the same.

[sooshi]

Many of us are hurting in our own way. It's not something that can or should be compared.

 

I don't think you realize right now how much of a blessing this breakup is for you. I know it hurts like crazy right now, but you will become stronger through all of this. You'll learn not to make someone else your life (not sure how she was your whole life when you also say that you have some close friends, but anyway...). Doing that makes your entire well-being dependent on them and how they respond to you. And like Kali said, that's not fair. It's not fair that someone needs to cater to you in every single way that you desire in order for you to be happy. That's not really happiness. Or love.

 

Because you're so wrapped up in your pain right now, I don't think you're aware of how needy, clingy, and desperate you're coming across. That might sound really negative, but it's not meant to be. This is why the breakup is so good for you: it's showing you that you NEED to evolve, or you're just going to keep hurting yourself. You need to develop confidence. You need to have a life that YOU enjoy with YOURSELF. You are by no means capable of being in a healthy relationship with another person right now, or any time soon, because you're not even in a relationship with yourself right now.

 

If you want to be in a relationship, be in one with yourself. Make yourself your beloved. Do unto yourself as you'd want others to do unto you.

[Sasukie]

Guys, I think we should take it a little easy on him. Clearly because:

1. it is a 3 year relationship, I was depressed for a couple months after only a year of going out with my ex gf.

 

 

2. It's only been a week since the breakup, if you can think back, to when you were having a bad time, probably 1 week isn't enough.

 

 

3. Also although we are truly trying to support him, people over the internet can only say so much, we know how hard it is when you have hope and you have never dealt with this kind of obsession with the significant other, how hard it is to control your emotional self. Most people won't be able to act rationally the first time around.

 

 

So we're here, I'm going to give you some grace and let you rant and be sad and what not, but if you ask repetitive questions like "how could someone who said they loved me while I slept beside her, do this to me?"

 

 

Well remember this, you aren't the only one. Words are words, if two people are meant to be together, they would be.

 

 

My ex and I even made small vows to marry for sure, because we acted like husband and wife for an entire year. It was fantastic, cuddling, holding her in my arms and even sleeping together comfortably. But things change, you can't hold onto the impression that things will stay the same forever.

 

 

Like I told you before, you're going to be depressed and down.

 

 

I don't have many friends, but by doing random activities and joining community clubs or w/e (be active and sociable) you'll meet new and great people.

 

 

Also - like you I was extremely insecure and threw my whole life at my gf, (with the impression that we were going to be for the longgggg run). You'll realize that from dating her, you probably became more soft, less of a "Man" (which is and can be true). Give yourself some time and you'll learn more about yourself. Things you can work on, things you can improve. You'll realize love is a great thing to have, but at this point you don't need it.

 

 

At the age of 24 - shouldn't you be thinking about your ambitions besides gambling? What are you job prospects like?

[ahthepain]

Thanks Sooshi and Sas,

 

Well I had no reason to get a job because of the amount I won, but now I have no motivation to do anything.

 

I can understand how she can't love me because of GIGS but to be able to just move on straight away and have no emotion about me is crazy.

 

My friend who is a proffesional counciller said she is very cold and void of emotion. She told me that while I was actually dating her not just after the breakup. My ex never committed to anyone, not even her dying Mother.

 

In the long run I know deep down this is the right thing but right now it hurts sooo much.

 

I just need to think that when I look back at this in a years time I know it will have been a positive point in my life. The times we had were fun but in actual fact I was lucky to escape before I invested anymore time with someone who can't have normal emotions towards people.

[ahthepain]

Ok UPDATE :

 

Over the last 2 days I have left her 2 texts 1 missed call and a voicemail asking when I can drop her stuff off.

 

The day before I text she said she was happy to meet up and even have a final chat (which is what I really wanted for closure), but now she won't even reply?

 

I let her keep all my stuff and let her off £1000 she owed and she can't even reply.

 

My therapist said she is just loving the power she has over me.

 

So tonight I have two choices - Go over and drop it off with a neighbour and do NC, but get no closure.

 

Ring her doorbell drop it off with her, hope she agrees to a quick chat so I can get everything I want to say off my chest and get some closure. Risk her saying no and get rejected at her door.

[KaliLove]

For the millionth time, seeing her will not give you closure. She doesn't have the ability to give you closure. It will only make you feel worse. You have to give yourself closure.

 

If you go ring her doorbell, you put yourself at risk for being completely humiliated and/or screamed at, and/or ignored, and/or having the police called on you. That is officially stalking.

 

Throw her stuff away (she obviously doesn't care enough about it to respond to you anyway so it makes no difference) and go complete NC. No more texts, calls, voicemails..nothing. If she wanted you back she would let you know.

[ahthepain]

Ok I'll give it to a charity shop then.

 

I know I've said it before but it's hard to not have closure when she says she loves me with all her heart kisses me good night then in the morning breaks up with me and doesn't have any more emotion towards me after three years.

 

Kind of crazy.

 

Ok well if I havn't heard from her I'll just leave it then.

[iDrumKing]

Ok I'll give it to a charity shop then.

 

I know I've said it before but it's hard to not have closure when she says she loves me with all her heart kisses me good night then in the morning breaks up with me and doesn't have any more emotion towards me after three years.

 

Kind of crazy.

 

Ok well if I havn't heard from her I'll just leave it then.

 

What difference does it make OP?

 

When she broke up with you that's her saying, I'm no longer in love with you.

 

If you met up for this "closure" you're wanting, she's just going to say the same damn thing.

[BC1980]

Ok I'll give it to a charity shop then.

 

I know I've said it before but it's hard to not have closure when she says she loves me with all her heart kisses me good night then in the morning breaks up with me and doesn't have any more emotion towards me after three years.

 

Kind of crazy.

 

Ok well if I havn't heard from her I'll just leave it then.

 

You're not going to get closure from her. Don't chase her for that. What do you think she could possibly say to give you closure? What does closure even look like to you? Closure is a word that gets tossed around a lot after breakups and other losses, but it is something that you find over time and comes from you. Closure after a 3 year relationship? You can't get that from a conversation with her. It's gonna likely be closer to a year of grieving before you get there.

[redbaron005]

I want to say off my chest and get some closure. Risk her saying no and get rejected at her door.

 

You think you want to do this. You do not want to do this. DON'T DO THIS.

 

Take it from someone who made this mistake.

[BC1980]

What difference does it make OP?

 

When she broke up with you that's her saying, I'm no longer in love with you.

 

If you met up for this "closure" you're wanting, she's just going to say the same damn thing.

 

You'll end up with more and more questions. You are going to constantly ask questions for months, but she can't answer any of then to your satisfaction. That I can guarantee because we have all been there. The answers are never ones you want to hear or will accept.

[ahthepain]

I just have so much to say. I want to remind her of all the hundreds of things we did and ask her why should doens't see me as a best friend or even a friend overnight.

 

I've got the urge to go over tonight. I know I shouldn't but how can I stop myself?

[iDrumKing]

I just have so much to say. I want to remind her of all the hundreds of things we did and ask her why should doens't see me as a best friend or even a friend overnight.

 

I've got the urge to go over tonight. I know I shouldn't but how can I stop myself?

 

You have a 13 pages of advice... if that doesn't help you then I don't know what will.

[ahthepain]

And I thank you for the advice. I have followed it and am now at the last stage.

 

I just feel I won't be able to do NC with so much left to say.

[ahthepain]

Lmfao.

 

She is playing with me!!

 

I just got her text - Yeah I'm free tonight. Been busy lately. What time you wonna make it? I'm busy until about 6.

 

Well that gives me all night with her to say everything i need to say.

 

I'm sure I'll feel so much worse after but i can't not ask her how this came to be.

[redbaron005]

I just have so much to say. I want to remind her of all the hundreds of things we did and ask her why should doens't see me as a best friend or even a friend overnight.

 

I've got the urge to go over tonight. I know I shouldn't but how can I stop myself?

 

This is called emotional blackmail, probably one of the most important things that you do not do if you ever want to have a chance in the future. Its selfish, disrespectful, and not taking into account her emotions or feelings.

 

Look, I drove 7 hours in the snow to talk to my ex and ask for her back, only to get rejected and told she did not love me anymore. I panicked and then sent her pictures of our relationship and a closure note. Lets just say, I learned this lesson the hard way. Trying to spare you the pain I endured/am enduring.

[iDrumKing]

I'm done with this thread.

[Strength in Healing]

Hey, so, can I be your personal counselor / body guard? 60k a year, it's a steal. lolol

[ahthepain]

This is called emotional blackmail, probably one of the most important things that you do not do if you ever want to have a chance in the future. Its selfish, disrespectful, and not taking into account her emotions or feelings.

 

To be fair I think if a girl who has said she loves me with all her heart for three years and wakes up one morning and doesn't care if she see's me again does that, I'm not too fussed about her feelings at the moment. I care about mine.

 

To be able to move on I need to see how cold she is even after over a week. I need to ask her about our holidays and best experiences and see that she has no passion left in her eyes.

 

Let me kill all hope. If she had been bottling up bad feelings for a few months that will make me feel so much better. To atleast know she didn't get taken over by alien one night.

 

Question : If a girl is going through GIGS - What is the best way to leave it for the best chance of them coming back?

 

1) Have a friendly chat, point out all the amazing times and that she will remember them again at some point. And leave happy but do NC.

 

2) Ignore her text now (which would be abit weird since i just contacted her 4 times) and don't speak to her again. I think that would just piss her off

[Strength in Healing]

I don't know why I'm entertaining your trolling topic, but in case someone else out there actually wants to know the answer to his question..

 

 

The best way to have a chance at getting back with someone is always NC. It makes them miss you, and it displays confidence and independence by being able leave and maintain dignity.

 

What you're doing is about 10 different kinds of fail.

 

But alas, this is a troll topic anyways, so.

[iDrumKing]

Yeah... just keep telling yourself this story.

 

Why do you keep asking for advice? Seriously...

 

Everything we are giving you, you had a defense against.

[ahthepain]

Well can't I get everything off my chest then go NC?