When did preferences become judgments?

[Candy_Pants]

Hi . I'm an "LS woman" who agrees with "the past is the past" but I don't need to convince anyone I'm with that that is the case. I'm an open book to my H. Mostly he doesn't ask, because he knows it may upset him. Lately he has, and SURPRISE, it turned him on.

 

I can't say what is right for others regarding telling current partners about their sexual pasts. But I do know that lies hurt people. The truth can be a damn hard pill to swallow, but lies can break you.

[joystickd]

Hi . I'm an "LS woman" who agrees with "the past is the past" but I don't need to convince anyone I'm with that that is the case. I'm an open book to my H. Mostly he doesn't ask, because he knows it may upset him. Lately he has, and SURPRISE, it turned him on.

 

I can't say what is right for others regarding telling current partners about their sexual pasts. But I do know that lies hurt people. The truth can be a damn hard pill to swallow, but lies can break you.

It's good you didn't give a vagina monologue like the others. None of them answered when I asked do they live the standards they expect men to live up to. I have said this numerous times which the anti slut shaming but shame those who don't agree crowd ignored. I'm for honesty and that doesn't mean a number. Relationships are life changing no one in their right mind does anything life changing without being fully informed. You take everything into consideration even sexual history. When women like the ones on here leave that out it's just like lying and it's unfair to the man that has to make an assessment of you to decide if you are someone to have in their life. Would you women want a man to selectively leave things out about their life if you had to decide about them? I say no. If you don't want that then you should be able to offer that to them.

 

Take me for example if one looks back I have said this. I have a drug dealing past and someone wanted to kill me because of this and other things I have done. I don't hide that fact. There are women that don't like men with pasts like that and it's only fair I tell women at some point so they can decide whether or not they want to be with me. If they turn me down I'm not going to whine and cry that they judged me. That is their right to feel that way. It may not be logical but it's their choice and right. I'm not going to make a whole campaign and penis monologue about the past is the past and I'm a changed person because my actions show that. I don't have to go on and on about it. That is why I wonder about a few of you women on here. Do you even love yourself to hide and worry about what other think of your past? If the past is really the past you wouldn't feel shame to hide your past actions.

[Quiet Storm]

Well summarize Quiet Storm, it's beginning to be a waste of time trying to get those closed-minded people (racists, slut-shaming hypocrites, extremists, school and work bullies, etc) to act fair and become open-minded. If talking to them in real life wouldn't work out, I can imagine trying to even negotiate with them on an online forum. They remind me of fanatics that believe their own perceptions or lies even if it were a total illusion. Actually it's also like trying to negotiate with a terrorist and get him to suddenly change his mind that he's getting rid of demons (in his distorted reality).

 

In your case, even if a racist family member were to accept your husband, I'm willing to bet he/she still has that racist mentality towards other black people and is only being tolerant out of respect for you. This mean that family member will always have that negative concept for your husband on the inside.

 

What changed some of my family members was my kids. It's amazing the joy kids bring,

and how they can change people.

 

But you are right, there are still judgements. My husband actually came from a well educated military family. And my family was poor, uneducated, addicted city people. And some in my family had a superior attitude.

[ASG]

It's good you didn't give a vagina monologue like the others. None of them answered when I asked do they live the standards they expect men to live up to. I have said this numerous times which the anti slut shaming but shame those who don't agree crowd ignored. I'm for honesty and that doesn't mean a number. Relationships are life changing no one in their right mind does anything life changing without being fully informed. You take everything into consideration even sexual history. When women like the ones on here leave that out it's just like lying and it's unfair to the man that has to make an assessment of you to decide if you are someone to have in their life. Would you women want a man to selectively leave things out about their life if you had to decide about them? I say no. If you don't want that then you should be able to offer that to them.

 

Take me for example if one looks back I have said this. I have a drug dealing past and someone wanted to kill me because of this and other things I have done. I don't hide that fact. There are women that don't like men with pasts like that and it's only fair I tell women at some point so they can decide whether or not they want to be with me. If they turn me down I'm not going to whine and cry that they judged me. That is their right to feel that way. It may not be logical but it's their choice and right. I'm not going to make a whole campaign and penis monologue about the past is the past and I'm a changed person because my actions show that. I don't have to go on and on about it. That is why I wonder about a few of you women on here. Do you even love yourself to hide and worry about what other think of your past? If the past is really the past you wouldn't feel shame to hide your past actions.

 

 

Hmmm... I think you have misinterpreted what was said. None of the girls have said to hide the past.

 

But the truth is, it makes not a bit of difference whether I've slept with 20, 40 or 100 guys, if I tell you that, along with some LTRs (and other not so LT Rs), I have had casual sex, which included ONS and FWB. I don't hide that at all! It's part of who I am and I would fail miserably at hiding it.

I've very open about my sex life, in broad terms. But I have never been one to kiss and tell, so why would I give a detailed list of all my 46* conquests? (*made up number).

Do you disagree with this stance?

 

And I do hold men to the same standard. I don't want to know HOW MANY people they slept with, just a broad sense of what their life has been like. I certainly don't mind guys who have slept with lots of girls. Hell, the last guy I was head over heels with had slept with over 100. Unfortunately due to circumstances (read DISTANCE) things did not work out for us, but we did date exclusively for a little while.

Guy I'm seeing now has also had his fair share of women. I have no idea how many, but just by the stories he tells, I know there have been quite a few, a lot of them casual.

 

I don't need a virgin! I just want someone who is not a cheater and who wants to have kids. Those 2 things would be dealbreakers. On other things I'm more flexible.

 

Also, I'll say this. My casual sex phase? It's not a "phase". It's what I do when I'm single. BECAUSE I'm single. It's not about being reformed or whatever. I don't think I'm doing anything bad, so I don't need to reform from anything!

But I don't cheat. And when in a relationship, I am fiercely loyal. And I've met a few guys that know and accept that.

And that is the kind of guy I'm looking to find again.

[joystickd]

Hmmm... I think you have misinterpreted what was said. None of the girls have said to hide the past.

 

But the truth is, it makes not a bit of difference whether I've slept with 20, 40 or 100 guys, if I tell you that, along with some LTRs (and other not so LT Rs), I have had casual sex, which included ONS and FWB. I don't hide that at all! It's part of who I am and I would fail miserably at hiding it.

I've very open about my sex life, in broad terms. But I have never been one to kiss and tell, so why would I give a detailed list of all my 46* conquests? (*made up number).

Do you disagree with this stance?

 

And I do hold men to the same standard. I don't want to know HOW MANY people they slept with, just a broad sense of what their life has been like. I certainly don't mind guys who have slept with lots of girls. Hell, the last guy I was head over heels with had slept with over 100. Unfortunately due to circumstances (read DISTANCE) things did not work out for us, but we did date exclusively for a little while.

Guy I'm seeing now has also had his fair share of women. I have no idea how many, but just by the stories he tells, I know there have been quite a few, a lot of them casual.

 

I don't need a virgin! I just want someone who is not a cheater and who wants to have kids. Those 2 things would be dealbreakers. On other things I'm more flexible.

 

Also, I'll say this. My casual sex phase? It's not a "phase". It's what I do when I'm single. BECAUSE I'm single. It's not about being reformed or whatever. I don't think I'm doing anything bad, so I don't need to reform from anything!

But I don't cheat. And when in a relationship, I am fiercely loyal. And I've met a few guys that know and accept that.

And that is the kind of guy I'm looking to find again.

Like I said before I'm not a numbers guy (numerous times on here). Have you ever thought about it from the male perspective as to why for some numbers matter? I just like to challenge people on their thoughts. Some of you said the past is the past indicating some hiding of what you have done. I had one or two of you hurl insults like I'm insecure. Like I said before if one did research at my post history you would know better. Just like I said before if a woman was truly promiscuous just say you were promiscuous and leave it at that. No man truly is looking for details just that you were honest about your past. I'm big on honesty not about some sexual past. I'm honest and expect the same in return. I'm a low sexual number and started out late. It's because I had foolishly stuck to my own race when I was too different to be considered desirable, but that is another story for another thread. I have my nice moments see lol. I just like to bust balls when women come up here with certain thoughts. I'm malecentric in a sense. I have a balanced view of dating/relationships I just prefer not to talk about that on here. I see certain things on here that piss me off though. It's another reason why I am the way I am on here and hone in on certain people. I know a few of the women hate how I hone in on them,but I get drawn in to how they over dramatize things and their negativity about men. On some level it's unfair how men can say certain things on here and get called bitter and whining but the moment a woman does it's wrong to call them the same thing. I call them fringe females. I call women out on BS I posted previous posts on one about what she said.

[ASG]

Like I said before I'm not a numbers guy (numerous times on here). Have you ever thought about it from the male perspective as to why for some numbers matter? I just like to challenge people on their thoughts. Some of you said the past is the past indicating some hiding of what you have done. I had one or two of you hurl insults like I'm insecure. Like I said before if one did research at my post history you would know better. Just like I said before if a woman was truly promiscuous just say you were promiscuous and leave it at that. No man truly is looking for details just that you were honest about your past. I'm big on honesty not about some sexual past. I'm honest and expect the same in return. I'm a low sexual number and started out late. It's because I had foolishly stuck to my own race when I was too different to be considered desirable, but that is another story for another thread. I have my nice moments see lol. I just like to bust balls when women come up here with certain thoughts. I'm malecentric in a sense. I have a balanced view of dating/relationships I just prefer not to talk about that on here. I see certain things on here that piss me off though. It's another reason why I am the way I am on here and hone in on certain people. I know a few of the women hate how I hone in on them,but I get drawn in to how they over dramatize things and their negativity about men. On some level it's unfair how men can say certain things on here and get called bitter and whining but the moment a woman does it's wrong to call them the same thing. I call them fringe females. I call women out on BS I posted previous posts on one about what she said.

 

I get what you are saying, but the past IS the past. How many people I've slept with before meeting you is irrelevant if I want to be with you and only you.

The trouble is, a lot of people assume (wrongly) that every woman who has had casual sex is either deranged/damaged or a cheater. It's just not true.

Some of us just don't want to be celibate while single and are not serial monogamers.

 

It IS insecure if the reason you care about the fact someone has had lots of casual sex if because you then start imagining your girl with X amount of guys and wonder if you'll ever compare blah blah blah. That is text book insecurity.

(note that I'm using a general you!)

 

These are the points being defended by most of the women here. And they are valid. They might not be applicable to YOU specifically, even though you have been playing devil's advocate, but they do apply to a lot of people.

 

And we're talking about judgement here. If you simply want someone that has only had sex in relationships, we're all good! It's when people start insulting/shaming that we're gonna come out of the woodwork...

[joystickd]

I get what you are saying, but the past IS the past. How many people I've slept with before meeting you is irrelevant if I want to be with you and only you.

The trouble is, a lot of people assume (wrongly) that every woman who has had casual sex is either deranged/damaged or a cheater. It's just not true.

Some of us just don't want to be celibate while single and are not serial monogamers.

 

Like I said it matters to some men and I will say in dating the few ruin it for the many. The Wal Mart whore was a damaged woman I knew in my life. We talked about her life and so I saw the motives for a lot of things she did in her life. Men come across that one woman that is promiscuous that is damaged or is unfaithful. It's very easy to say what it's not when you haven't experienced that. Just like it's hard for women to believe there are honest players. The negative association of promiscuous women and player is engrained now because it's based in reality.

[verydazednconfused]

I get what you are saying, but the past IS the past. How many people I've slept with before meeting you is irrelevant if I want to be with you and only you.

The trouble is, a lot of people assume (wrongly) that every woman who has had casual sex is either deranged/damaged or a cheater. It's just not true.

Some of us just don't want to be celibate while single and are not serial monogamers.

Perhaps some had real bad experience of getting cheated on that they don't want to take that risk.

 

Though I wasn't cheated on and she gave me no reason to suspect cheating, I still was being lied to for years about her past (pretending to be something she never was). I just broke up recently because in the end, I felt my choice was taken away from me by being lied to whereas she knew I was a virgin at the time.

 

I'm going to be honest but it's so hard finding a woman that's celibate when single and shares this view, my view. I'm not asking for a saintly Madonna nor religious, church girl and never wanted that either but a woman that isn't into threesomes, hook-ups, wild partying...nothing too much. One that just wants to a relationship.

Edited April 17, 2014 by verydazednconfused

[ASG]

Perhaps some had real bad experience of getting cheated on that they don't want to take that risk.

 

Though I wasn't cheated on and she gave me no reason to suspect cheating, I still was being lied to for years about her past (pretending to be something she never was). I just broke up recently because in the end, I felt my choice was taken away from me by being lied to whereas she knew I was a virgin at the time.

 

I'm going to be honest but it's so hard finding a woman that's celibate when single and shares this view, my view. I'm not asking for a saintly Madonna nor religious, church girl and never wanted that either but a woman that isn't into threesomes, hook-ups, wild partying...nothing too much. One that just wants to a relationship.

 

 

People who only have sex while in relationships are as likely to cheat ad those who don't.

A friend on mine from school cheated on EVERY SINGLE boyfriend she had (at the time). She wasn't one for hook ups... she just monkey branched a lot!

 

I, on the other hand, have never ever cheated.

 

As for your example, I think it's fair. Like I've been saying, it's fine that you prefer a woman who views sex the same way you do. That is a preference and is well within your right!!

 

 

And yeah, some people have had bad experiences. There is a stereotype. But if people don't try to contradict that stereotype, things will never get better. Things change. It takes time, but they change, but you can't stop fighting for that change.

 

It's what I'm doing here, in a way. Obviously on a miniscule scale, but if I can convince one person that not all women who enjoy casual sex are damaged/cheaters, then chances are that person will convince another person and so forth.

 

Sure, those women DO exist. But it is not a universal truth!

[GoreSP]

Perhaps some had real bad experience of getting cheated on that they don't want to take that risk.

 

How is a woman who has casual when she is single but never cheated on a partner a risk?

[verydazednconfused]

People who only have sex while in relationships are as likely to cheat ad those who don't.

A friend on mine from school cheated on EVERY SINGLE boyfriend she had (at the time). She wasn't one for hook ups... she just monkey branched a lot!

Off course I'm aware there are rotten people everywhere and no one is immuned towards experiencing one of the worst pain of all. Though, I think there were some previous signs her bfs must had ignored. At some point, I'm sure she's going to get it all coming back at her. I wouldn't be friends with a cheater.

I, on the other hand, have never ever cheated.

Good. Cheaters are cowards.

As for your example, I think it's fair. Like I've been saying, it's fine that you prefer a woman who views sex the same way you do. That is a preference and is well within your right!!

Thank you. I'm glad we can agree on something.

Sure, those women DO exist. But it is not a universal truth!

Yet they are very hard to find.

[verydazednconfused]

How is a woman who has casual when she is single but never cheated on a partner a risk?

I assume you're referring to yourself. As long as both of you were honest with each other in the relationship and there is a mutual agreement then nothing wrong there. Lying is what's wrong, esp when someone has a preference they also apply it to themselves and he/she was fully aware of it but pretended to be someone they're not. This isn't really fair for the other person.

 

I would think the same if my situation was reversed and it was the girl being the virgin who was being lied to for years and never told about her bf's threesomes, casual sex, flings, etc.

 

There are some people that won't mind about your sexual past. It's not cool lying your way to get into a relationship in order to be accepted, robbing his/her choice. This is really called deception. This isn't how a relationship is suppose to start.