Haunted by unanswered questions about wife's activities...

[dsancious]

I married my current wife one and one-half years ago. We had both been married before and she has a 5 year-old son with her ex., an alcoholic that devotes very little time to their son. We live two hours away from him and she only takes her son to see his father at his place of employment (a food service business) 1-2 times a month.

 

Right after our marriage, she began having second thoughts about marrying me and moving two hours away from her family that lives in the same town as her ex. Cell phone records showed that she called him extensively for the first 6 months of our marriage, including the day of our wedding. She had the disturbing habit of calling her ex. after we had fights. I even "overheard" a conversation between them on the phone in which she stated "I Haven't been bringing our son around because once I see you, it's not that easy to just walk away, you know?" She asked him if he misses her and if he thinks about her (both yes answers).

 

We separated for about 10 days two months into our marriage and she stayed at her mother's home close her ex. She denied at that time that she was in contact with her ex. About three months ago, her son told me that he and his mother had spent the night at his dad's one night. He gave a very vidid description of the bed he slept in and what they did that night. I had not even known that they had gone to his dad's house as they had never visited him at home before. I confronted my wife about this and she denied ever spending the night, but admitted to going to his house several times while we were separated.

 

I know that my wife's ex. will always be a part of her life, at least as long as their son is small. However, the shear volume of phone calls were enough for me to ask her to limit her calls to child-related conversations. She did so for a while, but then they picked back up again. Also, she NEVER calls him in my presence and has, in the past, refused to answer her phone when he calls if I am present. After a meltdown six months into our marriage, she agreed to limit her phone calls with her ex. and for the past year has respected my wishes.

 

We are currently a happy couple (most of the time) but I keep having these nagging questions running around in my head. Was she trying to get back with her ex? Did she have sex with him? How can I move on in our relationship if our marriage is based on lies and deceit?

 

By the way, I love my wife very much and she has since made me feel that she loves me. We have a very good relationship except for the times when these questions come back into my head. She admitted that she was calling him so much because "I was trying to see if there was something still there" but says that she never had sex with him. I guess I just want to get some unbiased opinions on what may have been going on and how I can stop obsessing so much.

[mt_joy]

She sounds like she has something to hide. Maybe she still loves her ex and wonders what could have been if they stayed together. It isn't fair to you. Would she like it if you were calling one of your exes that you were in love with? Maybe even visiting her? Probably not. I talk to my ex husband on the phone, but my bf is usually there. I have nothing to hide, but it sounds like she does. You need to have a serious heart to heart with her. Whether or not she had sex with her ex, I don't know, but she probably did.

 

Joy

MT Student

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by dsancious

She admitted that she was calling him so much because "I was trying to see if there was something still there"

 

How could you NOT feel like her second choice after that? It's only natural that you would see yourself as someone that she settled with because things didn't work out with her ex.

 

This is what needs to be overcome in order for you to "stop obsessing". You need to know in your heart that you are her FIRST CHOICE.

 

What would it take for her to convince you of that? Is there anything that she could say, or anything that she could do that would make you believe it?

 

When you figure out what it would take, let her know. She doesn't have a crystal ball. You'll have to tell her how you feel, and how to make this right.

[Lil Honey]

I agree with LadyJane. If she wondered if there was still "something there" with her ex, then she never should have married you. There should be no question about her feelings for either of you.

[Cecelius]

I think if you don't get these things resolved, they'll eat at you for good. Either she needs to come up with some new information or full on explanation of why things were what they were, what happened and how and why it is different now, or you need to get rid of her.

[dsancious]

Thanks for the input everyone. This is eating at me big time. It clouds every aspect of my life. I just can't see me staying in this marriage if she can't come clean with what was really going on. She claims that there was no sex involved but my gut tells me otherwise. She has not been very convincing when telling me there was no sex involved.

[portableversion]

How long were they away from each other when you 2 met?

 

How long were they married and knew each other?

 

HOw long have you and wife known each other?

 

How long has he been drinking heavily?

[westernxer]

I think you should 86 your marriage. As in yesterday.

 

She's only sleeping with her ex, that's all. And all those phone conversations behind your back? They don't mean anything. Everybody obsesses over their ex's.

 

My unbiased opinion includes the following...

 

- the ex is an alcoholic

- your wife is a nut case who's addicted to alcoholics

 

You have two choices...

 

Drink.

 

Or drive (to the nearest lawyer, preferably).

 

Good luck.

 

(hope you're looking for the keys as we speak)