Question for divorcees

[c0nfused88]

I have a few questions for those who are divorced about potential signs things weren't going to work out prior to marriage. I know hindsight is 20/20 but I want you to look beyond that and remember back to the stage right before you were married.

 

1. How old were you and your SO when you married?

2. How long had you dated prior to marriage?

3. Did you have any serious doubts before marriage? If so, what were they?

[BeingMe]

1. How old were you and your SO when you married? Early 20's

 

 

2. How long had you dated prior to marriage? 2-3 years

 

 

3. Did you have any serious doubts before marriage? If so, what were they? None

 

 

But there was a big red flag that, not only did I not notice, I thought it was a good thing: He told me he never got angry. Now I had just come from a relationship with an angry man and it seemed like he was saying he wasn't an overtly angry person. Actually, it was him telling me that he truly believed he never got angry (not true, but very heavily sublimated) because he has passive aggressive personality disorder...

 

IME? Run form the ones that are full on and propose/declare love within days/couple of weeks (the angry manipulative guy) and also those who say they never feel angry (the passive aggressive, nothing is his fault it's always yours, manipulative guy)

[TheBladeRunner]

I have a few questions for those who are divorced about potential signs things weren't going to work out prior to marriage. I know hindsight is 20/20 but I want you to look beyond that and remember back to the stage right before you were married.

 

1. How old were you and your SO when you married?

2. How long had you dated prior to marriage?

3. Did you have any serious doubts before marriage? If so, what were they?

 

The first Mrs. BladeRunner

 

1. I was 22

2. Dated 4 years

3. Yes, this is totally my fault; she was a serial cheater before we married and after 10 years she started again with a vengeance.....I was such a stupid kid.

 

The second Mrs. BladeRunner

 

1. I was 35

2. About 1.5 years

3. NONE! I didn't see this one coming; after 8 years of marriage she started cheating. My friends still say "She was the last person I thought would have ever done that to ANYONE". Just when you think ya' really know someone.....

 

There will NOT be a third.....

Edited April 1, 2014 by TheBladeRunner
Adding

[KaliKatherine]

1) I was 25 and he was 26

2) Dated for 4 years- did not live together before marriage but would take trips, spend 4-5 days together as often as possible

3) I didn't have serious doubts but should have since his 'proposal' was more like an ultimatum- marry me or we need to move on. My mother and aunt invited me to a dinner after our 'engagement' totry and explain they had legitimate concerns about my choice. ( I dismissed these concerns at the time) My mother offered him a buttoniere at our civil ceremony- he refused to wear it and I probably should have took that as a poor omen or at least insisted he wear it.

 

I did have 2 concerns that I wanted him to consider or work on before we were married, one being financial ( he was in debt, in a very low paying job, had quit college after 1 year) the other concern being evasive on the topic of having a family when I knew with certainty I wanted at least 2 or perhaps 3 kids. Fast forward 8 years, and I now realize he's a manipulative guy who likes the idea of having a family but is not really there for me or the kids on a consistent basis, only when he choses to be. He's now ironically is in a 6 figure paying job ( after me being the primary breadwinner for the majority of our relationship) but makes terrible decisions about money, refuses to budget and says its all 'his' money anyway, bullied me into selling our condo after we relocated to another state fora new job ( the condo i had purchased a few months after we married) along with it ALL of our savings (literally $50k since we were underwater with barely enough left to cover the next months bills).

 

I Loved him so much for so many years, and we have 2 beautiful little girls...oddly I think he loves me to the best of his ability but the many blind spots he has and my weaknesses for how he can make things seem is a poor way to operate as an effective partnership in this life.

[Misadventure]

1. How old were you and your SO when you married?

 

I was 30 and he was 25.. yes I picked him up in kinder care.. I realize the error in my ways here.

 

2. How long had you dated prior to marriage?

 

2 and a half years but knew him for 4.5

 

3. Did you have any serious doubts before marriage? If so, what were they?

 

Yes I did. What made me fall for him was his personality, not his looks or anything in the bedroom. I really did miss having the throwdown RAWR passion I had in other relationships. But he was responsible, financially stable and seemed very mature for his age. My family really liked him for these reasons as well and thought he was a good balance to me (wildchild). I now think I must have been drunk the majority of the dating process lol. I did love him. But there was not the "looking at him and getting butterflies". It was more of a content, grown up kind of love. If I had seen him in a bar and he would have come up to me, I honestly would not have given him notice. Having known him as a friend first is what drew us together, and I liked that he seemed to be pretty much a clean slate.. no major history. But there is a reason for that I guess. When someone hadn't had a relationship longer than a month and had only one sexual partner of one night before we got together...I should have really thought about that. It's called emotionally messed up and very selfish. He also was not close at all with his family. His sister lived 20 minutes away and he has nephews and he would go years without seeing them, and that was them on good terms...When I started having doubts, month before the wedding..."Is this really the last kiss I will ever have.. the last sex..the last ..."appendage"...spotted a that. " Turns out... No.

[Arieswoman]

Confused88,

1. How old were you and your SO when you married?

2. How long had you dated prior to marriage?

3. Did you have any serious doubts before marriage? If so, what were they?

1.I was 23, he was 24.

2.I knew him a year and it was a LDR

3. No

 

There were red flags that I never saw.

 

1. It was me who made all the effort. I relocated and got a job in his area. I tried to be the perfect wife.

2. He had no friends. He claimed it was because of his shift work and that all his college friends had left the area.

3. He never got angry. I thought it was because he was calm and rational - it was actually because he was passive/agressive.

4. he had a poor relationship with his family. He didn't go to his sister's wedding because "he couldn't get time off work".

 

We were married 8 years.

I realised I never really knew him as he was on shifts for the first 5 years and wasn't there a lot of the time. I asked him to get a day job so we could have more time together and he did. It all fell apart rapidly from then on as I realsised what a sulky, moody, manipulative piece of work he was. Eventually he cheated with an employee and I divorced him.

 

I learned from my mistakes. The second time around I spent 2 years dating my husband before we married and he was local. He is a totally different personality type. We are still together.

Edited April 9, 2014 by Arieswoman

[trippi1432]

I have a few questions for those who are divorced about potential signs things weren't going to work out prior to marriage. I know hindsight is 20/20 but I want you to look beyond that and remember back to the stage right before you were married.

 

1. How old were you and your SO when you married?

2. How long had you dated prior to marriage?

3. Did you have any serious doubts before marriage? If so, what were they?

 

1. 19..

2. 2 years

3. Not really...but I was young and stupid...what did I know?

 

Marriage #2:

 

1. 38

2. 12 years....engaged 11...he had to do a lot of "convincing"

3. Absolutely......I didn't call off the marriage when I found out he may have boinked the bridesmaid previously because I was too embarrassed that people from our work, that knew both of us, (the bridesmaid, that is...she was my best friend, not the STBXH), I just didn't want that to be the talk of where I worked at ....Yep...stupidity and a waste of vows since he cheated anyway later.

[hurts1968]

I have a few questions for those who are divorced about potential signs things weren't going to work out prior to marriage. I know hindsight is 20/20 but I want you to look beyond that and remember back to the stage right before you were married.

 

1. How old were you and your SO when you married?

2. How long had you dated prior to marriage?

3. Did you have any serious doubts before marriage? If so, what were they?

 

I was 35, she was 26

We had dated for 5 years before marriage

None at all, was and still is the love of my life