crazy for thinking about doing it again?

[DKT3]

Hello this is my first post.

 

My ex-wife cheated 7 years ago, after 14 months on the roller coaster I decided to D. She blamed all aspects of her affair on me. I worked to much (home only one week a month) to distant emotionally, not the exciting "BAD BOY" I was when we started dating. Mostly I felt she thought she was in full control of me and the relationship and I would accept whatever she was willing to give.

 

The second she got served she turned a 180. Since she has done everything you would expect. Its been five years we are D and not together but she continues to pursue me with hopes of restarting a romantic relationship. She claims she will never give up.

 

Over that time I'm guilty of taking advantage of her wanting to be together and I feel bad about it. Everything from late night booty calls to using her desire for extra time with the kids (ds 13 dd 9).

 

At the time I never wanted details about the affair, oddly over the past 6 or 7 months I have become interested in the details. I'm not sure what I'm doing, I know we can't continue like this. She has dated no one in five years putting all her focus on the kids and getting back together. I've dated but nothing serious, couple months was my longest.

 

I have loved this woman every day since I was 17 years old. I can't see myself with her, but can't seem to live without her on some level. We have never really detached, this isn't healthy, yet its making co-parenting so easy.

 

Just need some words of advise.

[janedoe67]

So she blamed you right after D-Day, which is horrible.

 

Does she still blame you?

[rumbleseat]

Does she still blame it all on you?

 

If you are even considering getting back with her, you will need to set some ground rules, and one of the top,ones should be seeing a therapist or counsellor to help,you both work through the past, present and on in to the future.

 

These rules will need input from both of you, as you'll need to know just what she expects so you'll know if you can live with those expectations or not.

[DKT3]

"She blamed all aspects of her affair on me". That sentence right there is all I needed to read to know that yes, you are crazy for thinking about doing this again. I mean, there just isn't anything else to say, is there? This woman cheated on you and then blamed you for it.

 

She claims she will "never give up"? Wow, the audacity that takes is astounding. She cheats on you, blames you for it, and then essentially says she will never stop bugging you about getting back together. So..why do you even need to ask if you are crazy for wanting this woman back? Dear god man, YES. You are as looney as bugs bunny if you get back with her.

 

I am not trying to insult you, rather just snap you out of this. I think if you just re-read your own post carefully you will already have the answer you need. Especially sentences like "she blamed everything on me" and "she says she won't ever stop". Seriously dude, she blamed you. That is ALL that needs to be said, that should be your mantra. Whenever you think about getting back with her, just think "this chick had the balls to blame me for this" over and over.

 

She "blamed" not blames. She has since owned it 100%. In fact she admitted it was B.S. when she did it back then. She says she was a coward and couldn't face or admit what she was doing was wrong and all on her. Like I said she has shown remorse, regret done every thing.

[thummper]

Love can really be hell can't it? It's possible that you two have a connection that is nearly unbreakable, at least in her eyes. Why oh why do some people have to lose everything before they understand what a wonderful life and partner they really had?!! I don't know if reconciliation is in the cards, but she sure has worked hard to get it.

[Speakingofwhich]

She has dated no one in five years putting all her focus on the kids and getting back together. I've dated but nothing serious, couple months was my longest.

 

I have loved this woman every day since I was 17 years old. I can't see myself with her, but can't seem to live without her on some level. We have never really detached, this isn't healthy, yet its making co-parenting so easy.

 

Just need some words of advise.

 

Have the two of you done any MC since D day?

 

Since you have 1. loved her every day since she was seventeen and 2. she has dated no one in the past five years since D putting all of her attention on the kids and getting back together, if I was you I would get into counseling with her to see if you can proceed to put things back together.

 

You are both in love with each other and you have children together. Those two facts are powerful!

 

She messed up but she is doing all she can to try to make things right. She is highly motivated.

 

I would suggest you try to put your R back together.

Edited April 1, 2014 by Speakingofwhich

[DKT3]

Have the two of you done any MC since D day?

 

Since you have 1. loved her every day since she was seventeen and 2. she has dated no one in the past five years since D putting all of her attention on the kids and getting back together, if I was you I would get into counseling with her to see if you can proceed to put things back together.

 

You are both in love with each other and you have children together. Those two facts are powerful!

 

She messed up but she is doing all she can to try to make things right. She is highly motivated.

 

I would suggest you try to put your R back together.

 

Yeah, MC for a few months right after D Day. She was still foggy, not over the guy, the affair ended before I found out, but she was unwilling to face the damage she had done.

[excusememister]

No... I do not think you are crazy.

 

Five years is a long time for a person to reflect on the wrong choices they made and it's a long time for a person to grow. It sounds like she is willing to face the damage she did in the past. I would try MC for a while and see how that goes.

[thummper]

I agree. Now might really be a good time for the two of you to sit down with a counselor and see how you're both feeling. Perhaps it's not too late to get back together. Wouldn't hurt to at least explore the possibility.

[DKT3]

The fact she could ever blame you 100% is the problem in a nutshell though. That kind of says it all(in my opinion). You also said she assumed she could cheat on you and that you would forgive her. So..if you forgive her she is just going to end up walking all over you again.

 

I guess you just have to ask yourself why you have to be with a woman who needs to lose everything before she sees what truly matters? Up to you, but I still say you are absolutely crazy if you go back to her.

 

Best of luck, but just remember sometimes remorse just flat out does not matter. You even said this yourself, your "can't live with or without her" says it all, right? That is not how you want to spend your life man, not constantly on the fence between wanting her and not wanting her. It's a shame for anyone to be made to feel that way by their spouse.

 

At the time I would agree with you, thus the D. I spoiled my wife, but make no mistake, I'm far from a push over nor was I the perfect husband. I agreed with many of her complains. I was gone too much, I wasn't the father I should have been, I did nothing around the house. She was pretty much a single mom that had some guy that popped in one week a month ate all the food cut the grass and left again. More then enough for her to want a D. Cheating was still not ok, nor the way to handle the issues.

[Spark1111]

Yeah, MC for a few months right after D Day. She was still foggy, not over the guy, the affair ended before I found out, but she was unwilling to face the damage she had done.

 

Well, you would not be the first D spouse to reconcile and remarry.

 

if you love her, can forgive her, and she is willing to do the heavy lifting. So many do not realize what they have until it is walking out the door with a packed suitcase. That snapped my fWH out of the fog real fast.

 

Why not take it REAL slow. Start dating. Start talking, REALLY TALKING. Go together to counseling. See what the changes are TODAY.

 

Take your time. But if you love her, and in 5 years you haven't met with anyone else, and neither has she, maybe the D was a mistake.

 

Why NOT give it one more tentative, cautious let's date and get counseling and give it one big maybe.....and tell her that is how you feel today.

[Speakingofwhich]

Yeah, MC for a few months right after D Day. She was still foggy, not over the guy, the affair ended before I found out, but she was unwilling to face the damage she had done.

 

She's probably faced the damage she's done by now! Five years of remorse and doing everything she can to make up for her betrayal is very impressive.

 

Not sure I know of any person who's gone to those lengths to make restitution.

 

She has faced the consequences for what she's done.

 

And the fact that she's dated no one since your divorce is amazing to me, especially since you've dated others, even though not seriously dated them. Given her commitment since your D it would seem to me you could fully trust her in the years to come.

[Spark1111]

At the time I would agree with you, thus the D. I spoiled my wife, but make no mistake, I'm far from a push over nor was I the perfect husband. I agreed with many of her complains. I was gone too much, I wasn't the father I should have been, I did nothing around the house. She was pretty much a single mom that had some guy that popped in one week a month ate all the food cut the grass and left again. More then enough for her to want a D. Cheating was still not ok, nor the way to handle the issues.

 

You've gained wisdom and yes, cheating is NEVER ok.

 

If both of you could learn how to meet each other's needs, to communicate with kindness ALWAYS, maybe it could work.

 

It should definitely deserve another shot. I urge you to take it slow. Date, argue constructively, BUT do not commit or move back home unless you are absolutely SURE you can DEAL and stay for the long haul, no matter what.

 

YOU can be confused until you are not and know whether you want HER or not. But don't CONFUSE your kids. It'll mess them up, big time.

 

DON't move home unless you intend to stay.

 

good luck!

[DKT3]

I biggest issue is, I haven't been in a place where I've had to face my trust in her. Being apart meant I didn't have to trust her. I didn't have to wonder if she was 10 mins late.

 

I guess the reason is fear, fear that I would have to trust her again. The thing is I haven't trusted the few other women I dated since. I'm working on that.

[Spark1111]

Oh, it's fine for you to admit you weren't a perfect father, but dude: she stepped out on you with another man. I'm sorry, but that is a line you never cross. I don't care what your husband has done to you. Unless you were physically beating the hell out of her and making her fear for her life? Nope, no reason to cheat, and it doesn't matter how sorry she acts.

 

You aren't perfect, right? You admitted that. Why should you not only have to deal with her cheating, but also deal with the worry that if you do mess up..this woman will go cheat again? It's not worth the hassle. She betrayed you, cheated on you, blamed you for it, then said she won't stop trying? That..is wrong in so many different ways. Take this lesson to heart and apply it to the next woman you date, but you really just should NOT enter back into a toxic relationship.

 

JThompkins, I so disagree.

 

All we got in life is to trust a person by their actions. That's it.

 

DK has changed his view about the husband and father he WAS. His wife has NOT moved on and seems to want to make it up to him.

 

THIS could work if they learn to cherish and RESPECT each other and put each other's feelings FIRST, like in the very best marriages.

 

Life is a risk, a leap of faith. Future TBD partners could cheat on them.

 

Take it slow. See if BOTH of you can gain the tools necessary to make it work.

 

No blame-shifting, judgement, criticism, anger, punishing, or score-keeping or defensiveness.

 

Communicating what is in your heart, kindly, is the key; fears, anxieties, insecurities, fantasies, etc. is the key.....without hurting your partner.

 

that's trust in the utmost.....and that is true intimacy.

[excusememister]

I biggest issue is, I haven't been in a place where I've had to face my trust in her. Being apart meant I didn't have to trust her. I didn't have to wonder if she was 10 mins late.

 

I guess the reason is fear, fear that I would have to trust her again. The thing is I haven't trusted the few other women I dated since. I'm working on that.

 

It sounds like you could really benefit from counseling - to work on those issues, both you and her together

[DKT3]

Oh, it's fine for you to admit you weren't a perfect father, but dude: she stepped out on you with another man. I'm sorry, but that is a line you never cross. I don't care what your husband has done to you. Unless you were physically beating the hell out of her and making her fear for her life? Nope, no reason to cheat, and it doesn't matter how sorry she acts.

 

You aren't perfect, right? You admitted that. Why should you not only have to deal with her cheating, but also deal with the worry that if you do mess up..this woman will go cheat again? It's not worth the hassle. She betrayed you, cheated on you, blamed you for it, then said she won't stop trying? That..is wrong in so many different ways. Take this lesson to heart and apply it to the next woman you date, but you really just should NOT enter back into a toxic relationship.

I value you opinion, and it echos my thinking at the time of the D. Yet you assume too much. "Found out" because she told me. I had no clue. I traveled all the time and would have never known without her telling me.

 

We were fighting again about me never being home. I said "what are you going to do? Find someone elses?" She replied "maybe I tried that already" she then backed off the statement, but it was too late the bulldog tasted blood. The A was 9 months and physical for the last 2.

[Spark1111]

Okay wait there is one important detail here I need to know, and I think this makes or breaks your chances: was this a one time slip up? Did she sleep with another man once and ONLY ONCE and never ever again?

 

OMG! YOU have so much to learn about infidelity. keep reading.....just keep reading JT.

 

Your opinion is as sound as any other....but please educate yourself regarding infidelity.

 

If it is, was, would be a deal breaker for you, that's fine.

 

But please, do not pontificate as to what you would do in a Similiar situation is you have never been in it.

 

he majority of SPOUSEs will take back a cheating spouse, at least initially, because they love them and want to forgive them.

 

It is what happens in the next few months to years, that determines whether a BS will reconcile or divorce and it is ALL tied to the remorse of the WS.

[DKT3]

Okay wait there is one important detail here I need to know, and I think this makes or breaks your chances: was this a one time slip up? Did she sleep with another man once and ONLY ONCE and never ever again? If this woman could cheat, come home, look this man in the eyes, look her kids in the eyes, then go back out and cheat again? Yeah, sorry, she's not a keeper. I don't care if 5 years or 15 years have passed, that's a deal breaker right there. Once you get to the "can totally look my kids in the eyes and still betray their father again" territory you've gone way too far.

 

I veiw it differently, 1 time or 20 times its a passenger on the same boat. Oddly, unlike most BH that I've talked to, the physical part was the easy part for me to get past.

 

No person should be defined my one bad period or series of bad decisions. My xww betrayed me, she stands not alone there. I betrayed her as well. Not by sleeping with another woman, but still betrayal. I promised things I didn't live up to. In some ways I see it almost as bad.

[sidney2718]

The thing is by cheating she has shown to be incapable of putting his feelings first and that she is incapable of respecting him. I'm also finding it highly unlikely that she would cheat on this guy, be broken up for 5 years, know that he is dating others..and STILL not date anyone else? Something smells fishy here.

 

I feel that people can change in five years. In fact they can change a lot. Many folks have gone from not even knowing a person and five years later they've married that person and started a family.

 

I agree with you that cheating means the death of trust. That, I expect, is why you feel that something has to be fishy in the OP's wife's situation. That is indeed possible, but it is far from certainly true. We've seen this here on a number of threads. Just check out the infidelity section and you will find a number examples of husbands or wives from divorced couples still hoping for reconciliation.

 

Sure, reconciliation means taking a chance. But so did marriage in the first place!

[DKT3]

I feel that people can change in five years. In fact they can change a lot. Many folks have gone from not even knowing a person and five years later they've married that person and started a family.

 

I agree with you that cheating means the death of trust. That, I expect, is why you feel that something has to be fishy in the OP's wife's situation. That is indeed possible, but it is far from certainly true. We've seen this here on a number of threads. Just check out the infidelity section and you will find a number examples of husbands or wives from divorced couples still hoping for reconciliation.

 

Sure, reconciliation means taking a chance. But so did marriage in the first place!

I don't know if we are headed for reconciliation. If pushed I would say not. However we are both different people today, thus a relationship would be different.

 

Taking the chance is a risk, so far its been a risk or step I'm unwilling to take with my ex or with the other women over the past five years.

 

I had IC today and she seems to think without a doubt we will be together again. She thinks that I have sabotaged my recent relationships to keep the door open. I've been thinking about it which is what lead me here.

[AlwaysGrowing]

There is nothing wrong in testing the waters of today. They are different waters than the waters in which you chose divorce.

 

Your choice to divorce was the right one, for you, at that time.

 

You are correct, in that, you have put yourself in a kind of limbo land.

 

Addressing your fears, your hurts....and what you need in any future relationship will benefit you greatly. You being able to honestly assess your failings is huge. Repairing those failings...even greater.

 

FYI, it is okay to put down the hurt that your xWW caused.....it was never yours to carry.

[JourneyLady]

I am someone who would be in the exact same position as your ex-wife if he had not remarried (my affair was online, his was real and with someone at work). He left me and married her.

 

I too blamed him at first, but started waking up right away. Affairs are a combination of selfishness and poor boundaries - in addition to other issues. His divorcing me was my wake-up call and I am certainly a lot different now (even my family members say so). That she no longer blames you says a lot - in her case I wonder what opened her eyes? In my case, the real eye opener was marriage builders. I'm not fond of the religious aspects but what they say about the needs of both spouses makes a lot of sense and they have a "system" to solve any problems.

 

IF it ever happened that my ex-husband and I found ourselves in a situation to get back together (but I respect marriage now and will not go near him unless he becomes single again), I would do the marriage builders thing again. In fact, not even wait to remarry to start reading the books and having those discussions.

 

You both would need to get all resentments out on the table but beware of disrespectful judgements and the other "love-busters" that exist. There seem to be a lot of couples that have reunited through that system.

 

You can look for marriage builders on youtube and see if it's something you think could work for you both. My opinion is that it is better to keep families together if at all possible and if things can be worked out. Even if both partners cheated, if they have stopped being selfish and learned better boundaries (are repentant) then it is very possible to fall back in love and reunite. It's a new kind of fairy tale. My ex-bf's parents got back together after ten years and were very happy together. Unfortunately the wife died soon after...

 

I think it happens quite a bit. Mostly because when you get single again, you start doing the things that attracted each other all over again after some time away from each other. In a long marriage like mine, you get used to the ways of a certain person and it's difficult to get used to other people until a lot of time has passed.

 

Hello this is my first post.

 

My ex-wife cheated 7 years ago, after 14 months on the roller coaster I decided to D. She blamed all aspects of her affair on me. I worked to much (home only one week a month) to distant emotionally, not the exciting "BAD BOY" I was when we started dating. Mostly I felt she thought she was in full control of me and the relationship and I would accept whatever she was willing to give.

 

The second she got served she turned a 180. Since she has done everything you would expect. Its been five years we are D and not together but she continues to pursue me with hopes of restarting a romantic relationship. She claims she will never give up.

 

Over that time I'm guilty of taking advantage of her wanting to be together and I feel bad about it. Everything from late night booty calls to using her desire for extra time with the kids (ds 13 dd 9).

 

At the time I never wanted details about the affair, oddly over the past 6 or 7 months I have become interested in the details. I'm not sure what I'm doing, I know we can't continue like this. She has dated no one in five years putting all her focus on the kids and getting back together. I've dated but nothing serious, couple months was my longest.

 

I have loved this woman every day since I was 17 years old. I can't see myself with her, but can't seem to live without her on some level. We have never really detached, this isn't healthy, yet its making co-parenting so easy.

 

Just need some words of advise.

[Woggle]

I would not take her back. She probably only wants you back because you are now unavailable. You should want a woman who loves you when you are available.

[JourneyLady]

Exactly, and here is the big problem: you not being around made it infinitely easier to hook up with other guys.

 

I mean, I honestly have a hard time believing she hasn't been with anyone in 5 years. Am I saying it is impossible? No, just unlikely judging from her past betrayal. I'd be really shocked if it was 100% true. Maybe if only a year had passed, but FIVE? Especially if she knew you were dating other women? Man..I think she might be feeding you some bullcrap.

 

That is the biggest thing for me, maybe if you yourself had not dated it would be easier to believe, but since you have? Sorry, call me a cynic, but I'm finding it incredibly hard to believe she hasn't been with anyone in that time.

 

Have you ever been in or known anyone with any experience in this. Because the way you're talking, a marriage or relationship should be thrown away if it's not perfect or if a line is crossed. Do you not realize that 50% of marriages end in divorce and a good part of those are caused by people having affairs?

 

The reason being is that our media and society have romanticized relationships to the point where we will not settle for anything less than perfect. I'm not sure why your advice is to throw the baby out with the bathwater, but marriages DO recover from cheating if both people desire to work at it. And why not?

 

Because sometimes a partner in a marriage has larger obstacles to overcome - strokes, heart attacks, losing a limb, having to be retrained... If someone loves you enough to completely turn themselves around after an affair, then they are more likely than most to stick around if you have health problems.

 

I wonder if you have some sort of stake in people not trying?

I will readily admit that if someone is repentant, it can probably work and I like to see things work out -- so that's what I take the side of, if all possible.

 

They've been together since he was 17? Well then obviously she was busy with family and perhaps missed some of the growing up. I know I did!