crazy for thinking about doing it again?

[Artie Lang]

it sounds like you're the one who's being selfish this time around.

 

i think you should stop stringing her along. either make the decision to give it another shot, or just move on. this isn't healthy, you said it yourself.

[DKT3]

it sounds like you're the one who's being selfish this time around.

 

i think you should stop stringing her along. either make the decision to give it another shot, or just move on. this isn't healthy, you said it yourself.

 

You are 100% correct. This has been a large part of the resentment that she had carried for years. Starting with me breaking a promise to attend the same college. I switched at the last moment and went out of state. A year later she followed. She wanted to move home after we graduated yet I took a job in Atlanta, again she followed. She started her career and I convinced her we should start a family. I then took a job with the travel and left her alone in a place she never wanted to be with a baby she wasn't ready for. The job was suppose to be 5 years max, six years and another baby I was still there. It was at that point the affair started. At the time I didn't see anything wrong with the things I had done. I have since come to understand what an amazing woman she was to deal with what she did for as long as she did. Her life was what I wanted. Still, with that I couldn't accept the affair. Divorce I could accept with hindsight of course.

 

I get it, her need for something that was hers, for her to put herself first. I was less then ideal. I allowed her to blame me in part because I blamed myself. Then one day I thought "no this is her mess" then started the D process.

 

Deep down I have always thought she deserved a second chance, after all she had stayed with me betrayal after betrayal. Still, now she lives here thousands of miles away from where she wants to be because I dangle the carrot. I have come a long way, her infidelity was a wake up call for me in terms of what kind of person I had been.

 

Typing this has me thinking what is it that so has her hooked on me? Albeit 23 years of history is a strong bonding point.

 

I guess I could say I'm a coward, to weak to be with her yet to scared to be without her, so I give her just enough to keep her interested. Yes 100% selfish.

[lolablue17]

You know, when all the "proper" considerations was taken and you put a lot of time thinking about it, but still you don't have a clear direction, maybe it's time to just do what you feel in your heart.

 

Ask yourself. what do you want to do now? and do it. and do it every day (the loop of question + answer only for that day) .

 

it might give you a direction which way to go. stop analyzing, stop digging in your mind. just do it.

Edited April 1, 2014 by lolablue17

[road]

You are 100% correct. This has been a large part of the resentment that she had carried for years. Starting with me breaking a promise to attend the same college. I switched at the last moment and went out of state. A year later she followed. She wanted to move home after we graduated yet I took a job in Atlanta, again she followed. She started her career and I convinced her we should start a family. I then took a job with the travel and left her alone in a place she never wanted to be with a baby she wasn't ready for. The job was suppose to be 5 years max, six years and another baby I was still there. It was at that point the affair started. At the time I didn't see anything wrong with the things I had done. I have since come to understand what an amazing woman she was to deal with what she did for as long as she did. Her life was what I wanted. Still, with that I couldn't accept the affair. Divorce I could accept with hindsight of course.

 

 

 

 

I get it, her need for something that was hers, for her to put herself first. I was less then ideal. I allowed her to blame me in part because I blamed myself. Then one day I thought "no this is her mess" then started the D process.

 

Deep down I have always thought she deserved a second chance, after all she had stayed with me betrayal after betrayal. Still, now she lives here thousands of miles away from where she wants to be because I dangle the carrot. I have come a long way, her infidelity was a wake up call for me in terms of what kind of person I had been.

 

Typing this has me thinking what is it that so has her hooked on me? Albeit 23 years of history is a strong bonding point.

 

I guess I could say I'm a coward, to weak to be with her yet to scared to be without her, so I give her just enough to keep her interested. Yes 100% selfish.

 

 

 

 

 

You have kids together. WW has been remorseful and not dated anyone else.

 

 

She has owned the affair.

 

 

You have owned how you were not a good husband.

 

 

You both have grown. Have kids and a long history together. The both of you have shown that there is a good foundation to rebuild your marriage.

 

 

It is time to man up.

 

 

You have trust issues which is normal. Because you and your WW need to learn how to repair the broken trust. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. It will take you through all the work for recovery. Then get his second book His Needs Her Needs.

[stillafool]

I would not take her back. She probably only wants you back because you are now unavailable. You should want a woman who loves you when you are available.

 

I agree. Some people are only attracted to the unavailable. OP you said she missed the bad boy you once were. Now that she is not sure she can have you she's back in love with you. What is going to happen when she "gets" you again? Is she going to lose interest again?

[Bryanp]

Why did she say that you sabotaged your last relationship. What happened?

[DKT3]

I agree. Some people are only attracted to the unavailable. OP you said she missed the bad boy you once were. Now that she is not sure she can have you she's back in love with you. What is going to happen when she "gets" you again? Is she going to lose interest again?

 

I don't have the answers to those questions. As well as some others.

[Buckeye2]

I biggest issue is, I haven't been in a place where I've had to face my trust in her. Being apart meant I didn't have to trust her. I didn't have to wonder if she was 10 mins late.

 

I guess the reason is fear, fear that I would have to trust her again. The thing is I haven't trusted the few other women I dated since. I'm working on that.

 

It sounds like you have both matured and would be good for each other. I would live together and not get remarried. That way you wouldn’t have to be as concerned if she was “10 minutes late.” You would not be married and if she wanted to leave you she wouldn’t have to sneak around like she did before.

 

I would pledge each other to be monogamous. Tell her how much her affair messed you up and you can never go through that again. All you ask is that she tells you if she is considering doing something like that again (before anything happens) and you will do the same.

 

The key is that marriage isn’t forcing her to remain with you. She is free to go so there is no reason not to tell you if she is attracted to another guy. While it would still hurt if she found another guy, it would hurt less than if you were married.

 

Why did her affair end?

 

I agree. Some people are only attracted to the unavailable. OP you said she missed the bad boy you once were. Now that she is not sure she can have you she's back in love with you. What is going to happen when she "gets" you again? Is she going to lose interest again?

 

Not being married may help with this.

[DKT3]

Why did she say that you sabotaged your last relationship. What happened?

 

About a year ago I was dating a lovely young woman once it started to move to the next level I did things to get her to end the relationship.

[fellini]

A DEAL is made between two people, hence deal breaker.

 

Obviously for you Thompkins, and we can see this in all your posts, there is a NO TOLERANCE for 2nd chances.

 

This guy already did that route, and after 5 years he is seeing that life just isn't that black and white - although it is for you.

 

so DKT3 since you know this woman probably a little better than I or Thompkins - which scenario is the most likely to be true:

 

She is a serial cheater. She got caught, you divorced her, but she isn't done with you yet. She wants, after 5 years (whether she chummed it up with another guy or not) to get back together with you so she can step out and do it all over again and crush your heart. i.e. This woman's sole purpose in life is to CRUSH YOU over and over again. And she will spend 5 more years if she has to to do it.

 

OR

 

She is legitimately sorry for what she has done to her, to you, to your marriage, and wants to give it another go. That's all. Just give it another go. No guarantees you'll make it, but unlikely to cheat on you again. And this time you get to be the father and husband that you knew you weren't, to see if that makes a difference to you (NOT TO STOP HER FROM CHEATING, BUT TO ENJOY LOVING A WOMAN AS YOU WOULD LIKE TO.)

 

 

 

Okay wait there is one important detail here I need to know, and I think this makes or breaks your chances: was this a one time slip up? Did she sleep with another man once and ONLY ONCE and never ever again? If this woman could cheat, come home, look this man in the eyes, look her kids in the eyes, then go back out and cheat again? Yeah, sorry, she's not a keeper. I don't care if 5 years or 15 years have passed, that's a deal breaker right there. Once you get to the "can totally look my kids in the eyes and still betray their father again" territory you've gone way too far.

[Buckeye2]

My ex WW told me something about her affair that crushed me. "It wasn't that I never thought about you or how much it would hurt if you found out, at the time I didn't respect you enough for it to stop me"

 

 

I just read this. Never, never get remarried.

[Sofie2013]

Why not ask her on a date nothing serious just the two of you. It sounds like you still love her and she still loves you. Go out to dinner or something low key and see if you guys can still connect. What’s the worst that can happen?

[GorillaTheater]

No harm in talking about possible R and taking things very slowly to see if it's even possible, but as much as I love happy endings (whether that involves R or not), there's one thing about her attitude I don't like, that's this apparent expectation that you two are going to get back together, which she seems happy to mention every chance she has.

 

She can't go into any exploratory R with any expectations at all. Neither of you can. Either it'll work out, or it won't. The attitude I'd like to see from her is that she'd dearly love to R, but entirely understands why you might never get to that point, that she deserves nothing but the status quo and R would be a gift from you. Some serious contrition, in other words. Not this confidence that you two will get back together, regardless. Does this make any sense?

[janedoe67]

OP, some people believe in redemption and some don't. If you do, then follow the roadmap of those who do as well. If not, there is really nothing left to consider.

[DKT3]

Thanks all, for reading and commenting.

[DKT3]

Why not ask her on a date nothing serious just the two of you. It sounds like you still love her and she still loves you. Go out to dinner or something low key and see if you guys can still connect. What’s the worst that can happen?

 

We have never really disconnected. For the past 3 1/2 years we have been sexual on a fairly regular bases. We still spend a lot of time together with the kids as they are both into tons of stuff (sports, music etc.).

 

It is however a one sided relationship. I have never stopped loving her, but I do try my best to keep it from her. I also make it known that we are not "together" or a couple.

[DKT3]

A DEAL is made between two people, hence deal breaker.

 

Obviously for you Thompkins, and we can see this in all your posts, there is a NO TOLERANCE for 2nd chances.

 

This guy already did that route, and after 5 years he is seeing that life just isn't that black and white - although it is for you.

 

so DKT3 since you know this woman probably a little better than I or Thompkins - which scenario is the most likely to be true:

 

She is a serial cheater. She got caught, you divorced her, but she isn't done with you yet. She wants, after 5 years (whether she chummed it up with another guy or not) to get back together with you so she can step out and do it all over again and crush your heart. i.e. This woman's sole purpose in life is to CRUSH YOU over and over again. And she will spend 5 more years if she has to to do it.

 

OR

 

She is legitimately sorry for what she has done to her, to you, to your marriage, and wants to give it another go. That's all. Just give it another go. No guarantees you'll make it, but unlikely to cheat on you again. And this time you get to be the father and husband that you knew you weren't, to see if that makes a difference to you (NOT TO STOP HER FROM CHEATING, BUT TO ENJOY LOVING A WOMAN AS YOU WOULD LIKE TO.)

 

My ex is a good person, it wasn't my intent to make her seem like a monster. I'm 100% confident in several things 1) she is sorry for what she did 2) she wants her family back together 3) she is committed and loves me.

 

I actually cut and pasted this and texted it to her(your last paragraph). Her response "your talking to friends about getting back together that has made my day, and his comment made me cry. Having a busy day, can I make you dinner tonight? Love you always"

[jnel921]

When I divorced my first H I knew I did not want to be with him ever again. I knew I had exhausted every resource when it came to that M, and we both moved on.

 

Perhaps you made a rash decision. You did not give her the chance to show or prove how remorseful she was. It seems sad that she has left her door open for you all of these years and you are the one f****ing with her mind. It's not nice.

 

You are being selfish and I guess you both have that in common now since she cheated for her own selfish reasons and now you get to be single and have relationships and get booty calls in whenever you sense a weak moment.

 

You want your kids to witness a healthy relationship? Work it out with their mother. She still loves you and you apparently feel something as you keep looking for her. Go to MC to better your relationship.

 

People can change. It's been a long time. Do the right thing, be with her or give her the respect and leave her alone and allow her some real happiness.

 

She shouldn't spend the rest of her life waiting on you.

[miguelcervantes]

Why not ask her on a date nothing serious just the two of you. It sounds like you still love her and she still loves you. Go out to dinner or something low key and see if you guys can still connect. What’s the worst that can happen?

 

I will probably get bashed for saying this but from what I have read, this is what I think is the current situation:

 

• Your wife made a terribly selfish choice and had an affair and even justified it.
  
• She broke off the affair on her own and then told you about it (kind of).
  
• She never had a chance to show true remorse.
  
• You are still crazy in love with her (whether you admit it or not) and she with you.
  
• She has demonstrated true remorse despite not really getting a proper chance to.
  
• You cannot keep away from her.
  
• You feel you need to cut her loose or get back together again.
  
• You are afraid to put your trust in her again for fear of getting hurt again.
  

 

So what I think you should do is:

 

• Draw up a list of boundaries that can never be crossed and a list of things that she has to do to allay your fears of being hurt again (transparency, no contact with men that you do not know of, no secrets, signed prenup saying she will lose everything to you if she strays again etc).
  
• Give her another chance (at the very least do what Sofie suggests above).
  
• Allow yourself to really enjoy being in a loving relationship again (it is a wonderful feeling and very good for you, her, your kids) - enjoy her once again.
  
• Move on with your life and allow this experience to make you and your relationship even stronger. Getting back together with her will make you a stronger and better person.
  

 

You only get one life man - enjoy it with this woman you love. Forgive her if she has already demonstrated true remorse (this is a lot more than many of us got).

[DKT3]

When I divorced my first H I knew I did not want to be with him ever again. I knew I had exhausted every resource when it came to that M, and we both moved on.

 

Perhaps you made a rash decision. You did not give her the chance to show or prove how remorseful she was. It seems sad that she has left her door open for you all of these years and you are the one f****ing with her mind. It's not nice.

 

You are being selfish and I guess you both have that in common now since she cheated for her own selfish reasons and now you get to be single and have relationships and get booty calls in whenever you sense a weak moment.

 

You want your kids to witness a healthy relationship? Work it out with their mother. She still loves you and you apparently feel something as you keep looking for her. Go to MC to better your relationship.

 

People can change. It's been a long time. Do the right thing, be with her or give her the respect and leave her alone and allow her some real happiness.

 

She shouldn't spend the rest of her life waiting on you.

 

You make some very valid points.

 

My decision to D wasn't a rash one. Her attitude sucked until I filed. Its was only after she was served that I saw a shift in her actions, before it was just words. I fully understand NOW just how angry and resentful she was pre A. As wrong as her A was, has she choose D I couldn't blame her. We were young when we started and we got locked in an unhealthy pattern that carried over into our 30's. She bottled every thing up and I was honestly indifferent towards her. I throw money and things at her because I wasn't around, she only wanted me around.

[DKT3]

UPDATE:

 

I told her I was willing to start new and see where it goes. I told her to take a few days and make a list of what she wanted, expectations and her vision of the future, and I would do the same. We will then sit down and see if we can live with what the other wants.

 

She wants to know about the women I've dated since, something she has asked about from time to time. I didn't think it was her business, but I told her I would compromise and do it since I have nothing to be ashamed of or hide. I told her I didn't need that from her. She again said there was no one so she did have anything to tell.

 

She said she would like it if I stopped dating other women, but wouldn't expect me to until we decided if we were going forward.

 

I told her if we agreed we would commit to MC for at least two years (she hates its) but she has been doing IC since D Day.

 

I said that marriage would likely never happen. We would maintain our own accounts. If we do this I wanted it to be because we wanted to not because we were bonded by paper.

 

Last and most importantly she said as much as she loves me, she wasn't willing to put our kids through another split. So if we agreed it was for the duration there would be no splitting at least until DD9 was out of the house. I slowly agreed it was a good theory but it wasn't a free pass for bad behavior on either side

 

Getting outside opinions has allowed me to truely see her commitment. Its never been a question of love. I think everyone reading this can see we love one another. We have some things to work out. Resentment and anger that has only been dorment since the D. We know this going in so maybe we can tackle it together.

 

Again thanks and I will keep you posted.

[veritas lux mea]

I think you need to **** and get off the pot for everyone's sake. You were a selfish a$$ and in someways the booty calls and keeping her on the line still are. But it is hurting you.

 

She allowed resentment and anger to fester in a very unhealthy way. I would say her A was about punishing you. Even the way she let it out was a punishment. You guys have a lot of history, good and bad. I think you should either go low contact save for things involving the kids. I am not a therapy pusher but I think MC would be beneficial either way for helping you decide. And complete honest between the two of you from working on things on out.

 

Edited to add

Glad to see you are making a step. Just thought I'd say you should stop seein other people. It won't help you or yor chances and it isn't fair to the women. You don't have to commit to getting back together but you should commit to trying.

Edited April 2, 2014 by veritas lux mea

[janedoe67]

OP, I really admire the way you are choosing to handle this with compassion and both eyes open. It shows strong character and humanity.

[miguelcervantes]

Well done DKT3! And definitely stop seeing other women (goes without saying). You do not need to remarry, but I would strongly suggest making some appropriate vows to each other again.

 

Let there be love...

[beach]

Have you stopped traveling three weeks out of each month? I think if you are considering R and still traveling - it's not the time to R.

 

She would still be basically living alone. And since she's on her own now - it's easier to accept being on her own than being WITH a partner but being left without her partner for 3/4 of each month.

 

It's a mental thing - when you KNOW you're not with a partner - it's easier to not resent them for not participating.

 

She may have cheated because she was mad at you for being gone a lot. She may not have told you she felt lonely. It doesn't make the cheating ok.

 

But if R is considered and she's still going to feel lonely while she's married to you - then don't reconcile.