crazy for thinking about doing it again?

[jm2013]

It does sound like she is full of regret but I think you are right. It will never really be the same again. Even if your relationship could evolve the trust is never going to fully be back again. I tried for years. My xW cheated again and again throughout the entire marriage. I was a idiot to really think I could fix things. You will have to decide what you want but I can tell you this I moved on and my life is so much better. Nothing says you and your xW can't still have a good friendship.

 

Clay

 

Clay, how many years did you try before it ended? Also, did she proceed with the same person or all different people? I followed this story too and it does seem like she's pretty sorry. That's a feat I think to pursue somebody for that long without just throwing in the towel and accepting it will never happen. Though during that window I believe they were sexually active together so that may have been easier to do I don't know. Plus that shows his interest is still there.

[Clay]

10 years. off and on lieing and cheating. Tried all I could and failed. The last time I caught her I threw her out. She did all the wonderful things most of these people talk about. Acted like she really cared. Cried how she hurt the family. Acted ashamed. But nothing ever stopped her from cheating.

 

I don't blame her for cheating on me after the first time. I blame me. I chose to stay with her. I now get to live with the guilt of putting my kids threw hell with a cheater all those years. I don't recommend any one ever stay with a cheater.

 

You don't deserve it and neither do the kids. I also encourage the cheater not having custody of the kids. The kids do not need to ever think that is normal and if the cheater is flawed that way on a fundamental level imagine what else they are screwed up on. I understand they are the other parent and they have rights to but its your responsibility as there parent to protect them. If that means limiting there interactions with the other parent then so be it. My xW sees the kids every other weekend. I did keep the kids. My kids are better off with me. Its not about punishing the other person it about raising the kids in a stable loving environment with healthy morals and values. Its not your fault your partner cheated its theirs. Now its up to you to pick up the pieces.

 

Sorry for the thread jack. DTK I truly hope nothing but the best for you and your xW. I know its hard but sometimes things just can't be fixed.

 

Clay

[DKT3]

Clay, its cool I like the free flow of this thread.

 

Lovin had a meltdown tonight. Earlier today in MC "work girl" came up, she wanted some details about the relationship. The therapist thought it would be a good idea and fair to share surface details about the depth of the relationship. She got answers she didn't want to hear. Were you in love with her? Yes. Who ended the relationship? I did. Why? She wanted to start a family. Do you still have feelings for her? In some way yes. Did you consider having kids with her? Yes, we talked about marriage kids house the whole life together thing.

 

This lead her to believe that our relationship overlapped the marriage, and played a role in what was in her mind a sudden choice to divorce. This is far from the truth.

 

At any rate, its my custom to stop by before work to spend a couple hours helping with homework and being with the kids. I could see by the look on her face this was a night I should have skipped. I know that "work girl" is a major issue in us moving forward and I wanted to reassure her that she wasn't a road block.

 

Things got ugly pretty quick. She accused me of at least an EA with her while married. Then I did something I promised I wouldn't do, I used her affair in a fight and she just melted down. She called me a liar and a phoney and told me to get out. As I was leaving she got even more upset because I was really leaving. I told her that we would talk later, we would gain nothing with her current state of mind. I tried to hug her she pushed me away and demanded to see my phone. I handed it to her and stood there as she went though it. There was nothing there.

 

I understand her feeling, and to be totally honest her jealousy was somewhat endearing. I knew at some point this was something that had to happen. She had bottled up her emotions about "work girl". Its progress, in the past she would have just ate her emotions or lashed out about something else that wasn't the reason she was upset. I would have simply worked away and not wanted to deal with.

 

It was ugly, but as I said progress. I really think we're going to make it.

[Hobbes' wagon]

 

Things got ugly pretty quick. She accused me of at least an EA with her while married. Then I did something I promised I wouldn't do, I used her affair in a fight and she just melted down. She called me a liar and a phoney and told me to get out. As I was leaving she got even more upset because I was really leaving.

 

Hi. What do you guys mean by "not user her affair in a fight"? I think it might be unreasonable to expect that her affair will never again in any way come up during your fights. Perhaps that point will come way down the road of reconcilliation, but at this point, not yet, there's more work to be done.

 

Especially if she's accusing you that you divorced her because of your supposed EA. How can you answer that accusation if you aren't "allowed" to say "I divorced you because of your affair"?

 

In a way I'd agree that what your post describes is a sign of progress. On the other hand, I think it's a sign that maybe she hasn't yet fully accepted all the consequences of her cheating and still wants to find other reasons for those consequences (divorce etc.). If that is true, it must be explored and worked on, to see if there is true remorse or not, before deciding whether to really reconcile or not.

 

Best wishes to both of you, I'm really rooting for you guys to make it!

[DKT3]

No, I messed up. I used her A as ammo, and not to defend my position. I had promised not to do that. She didn't ask me not to. My questions about her A have been asked and anwsered. Do I think I got everything? No, not at all but enough to be comfortable moving forward. With that I told her I wouldn't use it against her. I did, it was only a second that I lost my cool.

 

I don't really think she was looking to excuse what role her A played in the divorce. Which I would say was only about 30% about 60% was her sh;tty attitude and not being honest.

 

You have to understand how uncomfortable "work girl" made her. She felt from the very first meeting that she was after me. Couple that with the fact that shortly after I found out about Lovin's affair she traveled with me a lot. It was around the time I grow distant and started to detach from her and the marriage. I can see how she could allow her fear of "work girl" to get her mind in that place. It didn't look good. It wasn't even on my mind how it looked at the time. She never said anything until now so she bottled it all up.

[Hobbes' wagon]

I understand now, thanks for the reply!

 

Does she trust you? I mean, obviously you can't completely trust her to tell you the truth, but does she have any reason to doubt your truthfulness?

 

Also, how often does she bottle things up and explode like this? Will she explode like this in the future as well when a big bump in the road will appear, or will she approach the problem in a more constructive manner? You mention she told you to leave, then got angry because you started to leave. Has this (say A, want B, get angry at you because you do A) been a pattern? Do you think she will push you away and tell you to leave in the future instead of trying to calm down and continue the discussion in a more rational way? Have you discussed any of these things now that she calmed down? How does she view what happened?

 

While I can to some extent understand why she has been bothered so much, I would still be troubled by the way she approached this argument. And she should be directing her anger, her worry, ..., at herself, since if it hadn't been for her actions, you wouldn't have been with the work girl when you were single. Or she should vent about it to someone else. Or talk to you calmly, instead of lashing out at you.

 

I don't know. I mean, I understand that it's progress in a way, but I would be worried that somehow she sees you as the guilty party in this situation, like you did something wrong by getting involved with that girl. Is she resentful towards you? Does she feel betrayed?

 

Btw, I still find it great that you two are working things out, I don't want to appear unsupportive.

 

Best wishes to both of you!

[Clay]

It really sounds like she is grasping for something to make her feel better about all the damage she has done to you. Its not your fault she did not express how she felt about the work girl when you were married. Its also not your fault she choice to go be with another man and treat you like dirt. If you do decide to have a relationship with her I would honestly make it to where I did not put everything on the line.

 

I know this sounds funny but its actually true there is documented cases where actors and business people made there spouses sign a pre-nup that states if they cheat they loose financially. Make her put something up that you know will be a serious loss to her if she cheats again. If she is really that interested in being with you and only you there will never even be a question about it.

 

Just a thought.

 

Other than that she sounds like she really is trying. While I may be harsh I do honestly hope the best for the both of you. It does sound like she is remorseful.

 

Clay

[DKT3]

We have MC in about an hour. So I think it will be about last night.

 

She was calm this morning, and asked me to meet her for breakfest. Said she was sorry and thought she could hold it together but she had to ask those question. Asked me if I had posted about it. She knows its my only unbias outlet. She was glad I did, because I have a way of letting my anger build if I don't have an outlet. Says that she is ashamed of her actions and knows she will get hammered when she visits the site.

 

This site has been really good for us, and you guys have been great. Its provoked a lot of conversations.

[txgrl]

The meltdown's coming from a place if deep regret and remorse . Lovin knows she messed up and has already lost you as a husband . She wonders if she has lost you/ ever lost you/ will lose you to another woman .

 

However, if she keeps on having meltdowns , that's not acceptable . I guess it's part if the process of moving on .

 

Lovin, try and hold yourself together girl . Don't give DK **** for something he didn't do . I understand you're jealous but if DK is willing and working towards trusting you, try and talk about the issues . Anger and bitterness will not work long term .

[Buckeye2]

1. Lovin has an ONS because she is mad at DKT3 for being gone so much.

 

2. OM thinks he has won the lottery and gives Lovin much appreciated emotional support while DKT is away.

 

3. OM meets Lovin’s emotional needs and Lovin feels obligated to meet OM sexual needs.

 

4. Lovin feels comfortable with OM because there are no secrets.

 

5. Lovin feels uncomfortable and guilty around DKT3 driving them further apart.

 

6. During a fight Lovin lets it slip that she had an affair but retracts it.

 

7. DKT3 knows in his heart that the affair did happen. It explains a lot.

 

8. During this time “work girl” shows up.

 

9. Lovin feels that she is a threat because she has driven DKT3 away.

 

10. This drives Lovin crazy because she only has herself to blame and can’t complain to DKT3 because of her affair.

 

11. After the divorce DKT3 dates “work girl” and talks about marriage.

 

12. Lovin uses this marriage talk to accuse DKT3 of a PA.

 

13. Now lovin can finally complain about “working girl” out in the open. It’s been all pent up for years and it feels great to finally let it out with righteous indignation.

 

14. DKT3 uses what kept Lovin quiet all this time (her affair) to shut her back up.

[Fluttershy]

Well some people see it as spreading the guilt around. I see it as insicurties and fear. I would say if she had never cheated and my distant husband was working with a girl who made it obvious she had a ceush and they traveled together I would be posting here "is he cheating?" add her own guilty consience to the mess and revenge As. Yeah, i can see thinkig you had an exit A.

 

And now she will feel and so many people say it on here "you deserve better". This girl represents better to your wife and she felt threatened.

[Scott Thomas]

It seems a bit bizarre that your Ex W would accuse you of harbouring feelings for someone who comforted and supported you while you where going through a very difficult time, especially your Ex W was the one who started the entire fiasco. Since she destroyed the M, she can't expect you to willow around and not find someone who cares for you.

 

There's a chance that her outburst stems from her own insecurities. Perhaps she realised that are a 'catch' and that she's lucky to get another shot. However, accusing you of having an EA is something that I would be very concerned about.

I wish you both good luck in your reconciliation. However, if this reflects the 'progress' she's made in five years then I would really reconsider reconciliation if I were in your shoes.

[lovinDKT3]

The meltdown's coming from a place if deep regret and remorse . Lovin knows she messed up and has already lost you as a husband . She wonders if she has lost you/ ever lost you/ will lose you to another woman .

 

However, if she keeps on having meltdowns , that's not acceptable . I guess it's part if the process of moving on .

 

Lovin, try and hold yourself together girl . Don't give DK **** for something he didn't do . I understand you're jealous but if DK is willing and working towards trusting you, try and talk about the issues . Anger and bitterness will not work long term .

 

Your right on this. I'm not proud of what happened last night, I have to be better then my actions. After he left I felt like a 12 year old who just had a temper tantrum.

 

Sure what I found out in MC hurt, I should have handled it better.

 

As for work girl I knew all along she wanted DKT. I guess the fact that I was involved with the AP it wasn't hard for me to see him doing the same. Did I think they were involved before the divorce? I did, he convinced me that they weren't . We had never really talked about it.

 

My mind was all over the place, when he said he ended it my thinking was she was still wanting him even after a couple years. He has maintained contact with her up until six months ago. There are other women he was in contact with until a few weeks ago. I need to reign in my jealousy. I'm working on these thing. I'm really trying here, I want this to work, I have to be better.

[txgrl]

Take a deep breath every time you feel a jealousy pang coming on. You are going through a lot of **** right now and your relationship with DK is at stake.

 

Give yourself a pat on the back for each day that you and DK spend more harmoniously and lovingly . You too DK ! I do think that DK has been super understanding and caring through all this.

 

There is no easy way out, lovin..one day at a time. Hopefully the meltdown was not in front of the kids? That would be totally unacceptable.

[DKT3]

It really sounds like she is grasping for something to make her feel better about all the damage she has done to you. Its not your fault she did not express how she felt about the work girl when you were married. Its also not your fault she choice to go be with another man and treat you like dirt. If you do decide to have a relationship with her I would honestly make it to where I did not put everything on the line.

 

I know this sounds funny but its actually true there is documented cases where actors and business people made there spouses sign a pre-nup that states if they cheat they loose financially. Make her put something up that you know will be a serious loss to her if she cheats again. If she is really that interested in being with you and only you there will never even be a question about it.

 

Just a thought.

 

Other than that she sounds like she really is trying. While I may be harsh I do honestly hope the best for the both of you. It does sound like she is remorseful.

 

Clay

 

Lovin comes from a wealthy family, I mean like several homes wealthy. Money doesn't mean as much to people that has always had it.

 

When we divorced she didn't want anything except to keep the kids in the home. I offered the 3k/mo because they are my kids and my responsiblity.

 

Money has never been an issue or source of stress for us. So I doubt it would prevent her from falling off the wagon.

[DKT3]

Bear

 

You make some valid points. First, lovin is a beautiful woman and would have had no issues reeling in the man of her choice.

 

Work girl is totally over. We were in different places in life in terms of kids. She was also moving far too fast for me. Yes it was intense but I wasn't ready, I wasn't over lovin which wasn't fair to her.

 

I dated a few other women and always found a reason to not connect, all the while still feeling that draw back towards lovin. I still loved and wanted her and it became sooo clear. So no I don't feel that lovin kept or is keeping me away from a great love. She is my great love.

 

My issue is I fear giving her my heart totally. Our relationship has been on my terms up until about six weeks ago. I was comfortable with that. Now I'm out of my comfort zone. She is worth the risk or I wouldn't be doing it.

 

I know some get an idea of what she is by my words here. She is truely an amazing woman. Those great things overshadow her infidelity.

[Man Mountain Makino]

My issue is I fear giving her my heart totally. Our relationship has been on my terms up until about six weeks ago. I was comfortable with that. Now I'm out of my comfort zone. She is worth the risk or I wouldn't be doing it.

I honestly think that the extra work it will take to keep your old relationship afloat isn't worth it. You can find a good, fresh woman without any of this baggage and not have to put in this extra effort and get something at least comparable, but maybe better.

 

Just one man's opinion. Move forward, never backward.

[2sunny]

Working on how you two communicate is obviously something that needs work.

 

 

How about if you practice - practice with creating new patterns in communicating when the moment is heated.

 

First sit down together. Practice staying relaxed while you speak - using a calm voice- no yelling - no arms flailing around - present info without getting upset so that the info can be processed until a resolution is reached.

 

Allow one person to speak until they are finished speaking. Then the next person gets a turn at speaking their truth as well in a calm atmosphere.

 

The one not talking ONLY listens. Listening is a big part of communicating.

 

Practice. You will get better.

 

Read the book the four agreements by don Miguel Ruiz. Simple concepts - big message. It may help a LOT with communicating and not making assumptions and not taking things personally.

 

The past is the past - and you can learn from it - IF you don't bring it in like it's the present.

 

Talk THROUGH these issues to the OTHER SIDE for resolution.

 

Conflict can help resolve things if you communicate more effectively!

[DKT3]

Take a deep breath every time you feel a jealousy pang coming on. You are going through a lot of **** right now and your relationship with DK is at stake.

 

Give yourself a pat on the back for each day that you and DK spend more harmoniously and lovingly . You too DK ! I do think that DK has been super understanding and caring through all this.

 

There is no easy way out, lovin..one day at a time. Hopefully the meltdown was not in front of the kids? That would be totally unacceptable.

 

Its funny because she hasn't shown that jealous side since high school.

 

Soon as I walked in the door she sent the kids down stairs and we went up stairs. So not in front of the kids.

[DKT3]

First I would like to thank many of you guys for helping me through such a confusing times. Some of the advice really helped, some of you made me think about other things I had going on that I did see as a role in my marriage and the ability to R. Few names that come to mind are:

 

Hope Simmers for the friends. While we will never fully agree, I do see your point and changes have been made in that area.

 

2sunny, speakingofwhich, Furious thank you.

 

There were many others I would like to thank you all.

 

Now for what's going on. Its been posted in bits from both myself and Lovin. She is pregnant, due in feb. We are doing really well, and I plan on moving back in towards the end of July. We continue with MC now only twice a month. We communicate better now then we ever have. That's not always a good thing in that instance, a lot of hurt feelings on both sides, but its healthy. I'm soooo happy that she now trusts me enough to share all those thoughts and feeling that she felt I would judge her for.

 

No marriage in the plans, not sure there ever will be. But I also once said that about being with her again.

 

Once again thank you all...

[Clay]

Congrats on your success. I wish you both the very best

 

 

Clay