crazy for thinking about doing it again?

[Man Mountain Makino]

She's been perusing you five years since divorce, she has admitted it was her fault, and you still love her? Five years? I think she really loves you. Maybe it's time to see if this can work again. Maybe completely start over.

The thing is, for some people, it's just never going to take.

 

I think a lot of work has to go in every romantic relationship. The thing is, on top of that baseline, a situation like this requires much more work than that.

 

So it's just about economy to me. All this work with no guarantees, or start fresh with a new woman and still have no guarantees.

 

Start fresh. Less wear and tear on the person.

[Man Mountain Makino]

Yeah, I'm asking myself if I really need details. Can I move forward without them.

 

I'm not sure its commendable? I sometimes think its cowardly. I'm not sure if its love or fear of no having her in my life is driving this.

Pal,

 

Start fresh with a new woman. All of this energy won't be wasted on issues like this.

 

You'll have all new issues, but at least it won't be this.

[jellybean89]

wow...

 

DKT and lovingDKT...I think you two will make it.

 

The love you two have for each other is special and something to be treasured.

 

You got together young, grew up, had issues and have found your way back to each other -- smarter, more mature and knowing what love is.

 

Cherish it and cherish each other.

 

I wish you both many years of laughter, happiness and love.

[DKT3]

wow...

 

DKT and lovingDKT...I think you two will make it.

 

The love you two have for each other is special and something to be treasured.

 

You got together young, grew up, had issues and have found your way back to each other -- smarter, more mature and knowing what love is.

 

Cherish it and cherish each other.

 

I wish you both many years of laughter, happiness and love.

 

Thank you

 

I personally lost sight of what's most important. We all have our different needs or core values. Coming from where I did I felt it important to provide my family with the best I could give them. Lovin grew up different and had all those things. What she wanted was me around more. Those things can't work without compromise.

 

We didn't understand the others desires or drives. We get it now. She understands how important it is for me to do what I have to, I understand her need to have me be THERE.

 

I grow more confident every day we will be that old couple watching the sunset.

[Fluttershy]

I do not think this is unlike any other case where cheaters do not deserve a second chance. I mean, it's all well and good she supposedly behaved herself these past 5 years, but it doesn't really change what happened.

 

Lines were crossed here that should of never been crossed, period. It doesn't matter how long it has been since then, what matters is that it happened at all. Her cheating, on a fundamental level, showed her true feelings for this person.

 

Now I certainly wish them all the best and if the OP wants to trust someone who could betray him so utterly over a long period of time that is his business I guess. I don't exactly see a "happy ending" here as you put it. Those are impossible to have once a person cheats.

 

Why is it so hard for people to get that just because for thenselves there could never be a happily ever after infidelity that others have a conpletely different experience? It is ignorance at its finest.

 

And at to that ignorance is the opinion that someone "feelings" and "love" never change. That people don't stay the same. That life has no guarantees. And that cheating isn't the end of a future together for everyone.

[Fluttershy]

On the other hand, why is it so hard for people to get that if you truly love someone and care about them..you do not bang other guys? Why is this so hard? Can I ask you that? Cheating is a sign that the relationship is not meant to be. We can dance around that notion all you want, but in the end? That is what cheating is a sign of. People truly in love do not cheat. People who truly respect themselves and their families do not cheat.

 

In the end we are not dealing with complicated issues here. If you are an adult and you love someone you do not cheat on them, end of story.

 

That is utter BS. Cheating can be a sign o many things from poor boundaries to what you stated. That is a base assumption. And still just a very narrowminded opinion. And still has nothing to do with the fact that there have been thousands of couples in the world and in hisory who have had a happiy ever after infidelity. So it is still wrong to decide for all couples in all history and present that there can never be a happily ever after.

 

People can fall in love over and over again. Even with the same person. And people can go from bad to good and vice versa. To say everyone should be defined by one moment or a month of their life is a harsh way to live your life. But it is your choice. Just realize that all yor posts denying true reconciliation and happiness can come after an affair are false. Doesn't always happeb but it can

[Fluttershy]

When Are you going to market your little crystal ball that tells people if their potential partner will cheat or not? Or is it a test you take? Because I live in the real world and in the world people make bad choices. Good people. And people change. And I know not every cheater has a Tell.

[Fluttershy]

Sorry, I just think we are kidding ourselves here. People truly in love do not cheat. It is that simple. Cheating is a sign you should NOT be with this person.

 

That is your opinion and not a fact and i understand that. My problem is eith your denial that love and happiness can come after the cheating has wich flies in the face of all the stories otherwise.

[Fluttershy]

I'm sorry, but this sounds like more nonsense. Crystal balls? Tests? No, just..no. People choose to cheat, that is their choice. You live in the real word? So do I, in the real world choices have consequences.

 

You keep talking about finding someone who won't cheat on you. There is no way to guarantee that. So this reply has nothing to do with what I was talking about.

[Fluttershy]

I'm sorry, but this sounds like more nonsense. Crystal balls? Tests? No, just..no. People choose to cheat, that is their choice. You live in the real word? So do I, in the real world choices have consequences.

 

If you truly loved this person, you'd never hurt them this badly. You can spin that around any way you like, we still come back to the main point of: this doesn't happen if there is true love involved.

 

So you believe in that romantic fairytale of love at first sight? Meanin you don't grow to love someone or choose to? That maybe you refind your love or maybe you do love someone but you are an unhealthy person who hasn't learned what true love is. Or how to show it? Or that people don't get confused?

 

My husband loves me very much. His cheating on me was his own assery. He hates himself for it and has changed big things about himself. For almost seven years he has done more for me than a lot of husbands have done. He is a fantastic father and as thoughtful as any guy can be. If this isn't real love then oh well it is pretty damn fantastic.

 

I know he loves me. And I love him. So that is why i know true reconciliation can happen and love can exsist after cheating.

[Fluttershy]

I don't believe in love at first sight. I merely believe that a person in love..acts like they are in love. You might hurt your partner, but you won't do so via cheating. If you do? There is no love there.

 

It's nice you feel your husband loves you very much, but at the same time if he really loved you that much you wouldn't be on a forum talking about how he cheated on you, would you? I'm not saying people don't make mistakes, but actions do speak louder then words.

 

You obviously don't know my posting history because i am not here talking about problems I am having but rather to help people in reconciliation with my perspective and experience. As far as my personal life and marriage go the affair is a thing of the past.

 

Whether or not my husband loved me during my affair doesn't matter. But he had enough to pick himself up, end the A and confess it all. And to stay wrh me through the very rough time it was earlier on. And I love him and have forgiven him. My feelings run a little deeper than just moving on and starting over with a new guy. I decided I wanted to start over with the man I already loves and the father of my children.

[atreides]

one thing is for sure , that DK's W is very brave to come and post and is going to great lengths to win him back at least IMO

 

On a side note, one more tick in the column for GNO gone bad

[compulsivedancer]

one thing is for sure , that DK's W is very brave to come and post and is going to great lengths to win him back at least IMO

 

On a side note, one more tick in the column for GNO gone bad

 

GNO? (10 characters)

[lovinDKT3]

I sorry, but what is GNO?

[harrybrown]

Girl's Night out.

[atreides]

I sorry, but what is GNO?

 

Girls Night Out.... on other threads there is always a HUGE debate over the subject.

[Fluttershy]

I never said you were talking about your problems, but you mentioned your husband and I simply commented on that.

 

 

 

Whether or not your husband loved you during his affair doesn't matter? That is seriously something you just said? How doesn't it matter? I don't understand. He confessed his affair and stayed with you, okay. That doesn't mean he loves you. I'm not saying he doesn't, I'm just saying the behavior you are talking about doesn't automatically suggest love. Especially since he cheated on you.

 

You say your feelings run deep and he is the father of your children and all that goodness, which is fine, but the thing of it is those are all the things that should of kept this man from cheating on you in the first place. If your love, and your CHILD, did not keep him from cheating..well, what will it take to keep it from happening? So you see the problem? I know you say this isn't about you, but you mentioned it so I couldn't help but comment, since yes it absolutely DOES matter.

 

Just like with the topic at hand, the OP's wife might truly regret what she did, and sure it takes some courage to come post here I suppose, but that doesn't really change the facts of the matter. The fact is cheating is something that should of never happened in the first place. If this guy chooses to look the other way and get back with her then that is his choice to make.

 

For me, I don't care how sorry a person is. .there is a fundamental lack of love, respect, and understanding from a person who cheats on you. Which is why I could never be with someone who did it. I am not saying people shouldn't forgive cheaters, that is up to them. I am merely explaining why I feel the way I do about these types if situations.

 

Actually you made a broad blankey statment that there is no happily ever after when cheating has occured. All these twisted words and back peddling don't change that. It is a false statement.

 

It has been over 7 years since my husband cheated on me. So no, it doesn't matter today if he "loved" me then. Because it wasn't enough at that time to keep him faithful. And when I he told me I sure disn't feel loved. But in the last 7 years he has proven to me daily how much he loves me. You can't keep that act up. It is real. He hates what he did to me but I have forgiven him and I chose to stay married to him because I loved him and his current actions in the end were what mattered to me. I believe he will

Never cheat again. But if he does I will live. And I will know that he won't be getting another chance.

 

I don't know if this couple will make it and be happy. But you don't know thay they won't. But I do know making absolute statments that are untrue isn't helpful.

[DKT3]

Spectre, I for one never doubted if my wife loved me, I know she does and did. She had given up on me. It doesn't make it better.

 

I think its important for people to understand, over the haul your not going to always be "in love" with your partner. Respect is what carries you through those days. Lovin had lost respect for me, it is understandable I was a sh*tty husband.

 

Like you I feelings about taking a cheater back was a no no. Over this period I finally got it, my relationships failed after my divorce. I convinced myself it was because those women weren't right. Then it was I wasn't ready. Finally it was the truth, I wasn't done with this woman. I was looking for her in those other women.

 

Will we make it? I think so. But we have to make it a NEW relationship, this is what we are having trouble with now. That old dynamic keeps showing its face, even with us being different people.

 

I really understand both side, I had walked away. For a year and a half I wanted nothing to do with Lovin. Slowly I could see there was a lot still there. I don't want to regret not giving it a go. Being an old man looking back thinking what if. Either way together or not I know I put my all in it.

 

I love this woman, she does and always has made my life better. I honestly feel like I owe her a second chance, but more then that I owe myself to be with the woman who has given me so much, even with the bad decisions she has made in the past. I'm not perfect, I've wronged her many many more times then she did me.

[bigman1]

DKT and Lovin, good luck to you. There was a betrayal, there were consequences, there was rugsweeping and now there is clearing the air. That seems real healthy and bodes well for you guys.

 

Sorry the other thread was closed, but some folks are going to trigger hard to an unarmed WW and take potshots.

 

I probably like your story because that is what I would have done if I had been DKT. If I were in lovin's shoes, I would have hoped for this outcome.

 

Good luck.

[revelations]

I still take the stance that this is one of the few cases that I can honestly say I feel the WW has earned a second chance. However I will say that with everything that has transpired it will not be easy for you to do this DKT3. Truthfully it will be difficult for lovin to do this also. In certain ways it might actually be more difficult for lovin to rebuild a new relationship with DKT3. Heck DKT3 I know you were single and all, so you were free to bang them other women. After I found out about my xWW I went out and banged about a dozen strippers myself. Lovin knows that you were free to do this DKT3. The only problem is that it does not hurt her any less than if you were doing it in the marriage.

 

So when I say it may be more difficult for lovin, I mean that in a way that she is hurt and knows that she does not have a leg to stand on. This is why I say to the both of you to see it as a new relationship. Learn from the past and apply it into your new relationship. DKT3 do not think that you will blindly trust lovin ever again. So do not be afraid to request that she take extra steps to prove she is trustworthy. If you need a GPS on her at all times then ask for it. If you do not want her to go on a girls night out, make that clear. Whatever it takes for you not to have a nagging question in your head. If you still have any questions about her affair, ask them and get it all out on the table. Start this relationship anew with conditions to make you feel safe.

 

Lovin, you already not only know that DKT3 will walk away from you. You know that he can and will get other women. Guess what, all of those women can offer DKT3 something that you will never be able to offer him. They all can offer him a lover/wife that will not cheat on him. You have the problem of not only competing against that, but convincing DKT3 that your a safe bet. So far you have taken a lot of steps towards doing just that. Trouble is that you will still have to take more. Understand that you will never earn full trust back with DKT3. So you will have to go out of your way to always keep proving yourself trustworthy to him. DKT3 may still be hurting over your affair, so do not be surprised at this. When you are upset about him playing with the other women always remember that this would have never happened if you had not had an A. I know that hurts, however you have to look at it from a different perspective. Your perspective should not be that of a betrayed wife. Your perspective should be that of a divorced wife watching her xBH move on with his life. It might help to think of the other women as just ex's, you know women from his past. They do not play a roll in the relationship now. Your a WW starting a new relationship with your BH. Continue to be that remorseful WW that is willing to make amends to your BH. This will be helpful in starting a new relationship with your BH.

 

I wish you both the best and try and go easy on each other. You both have been through a lot. Before getting angry and accusing or yelling at each other pause for a minute. Try and think of the others perspective then explain yours. Calmly speaking and listing need to prevail with you two. Cut each other a little slack. I would not suggest that you two should ever marry again. However I do believe that you two can one day live as lovers under the same roof. Take care of each other.

[DKT3]

I still take the stance that this is one of the few cases that I can honestly say I feel the WW has earned a second chance. However I will say that with everything that has transpired it will not be easy for you to do this DKT3. Truthfully it will be difficult for lovin to do this also. In certain ways it might actually be more difficult for lovin to rebuild a new relationship with DKT3. Heck DKT3 I know you were single and all, so you were free to bang them other women. After I found out about my xWW I went out and banged about a dozen strippers myself. Lovin knows that you were free to do this DKT3. The only problem is that it does not hurt her any less than if you were doing it in the marriage.

 

So when I say it may be more difficult for lovin, I mean that in a way that she is hurt and knows that she does not have a leg to stand on. This is why I say to the both of you to see it as a new relationship. Learn from the past and apply it into your new relationship. DKT3 do not think that you will blindly trust lovin ever again. So do not be afraid to request that she take extra steps to prove she is trustworthy. If you need a GPS on her at all times then ask for it. If you do not want her to go on a girls night out, make that clear. Whatever it takes for you not to have a nagging question in your head. If you still have any questions about her affair, ask them and get it all out on the table. Start this relationship anew with conditions to make you feel safe.

 

Lovin, you already not only know that DKT3 will walk away from you. You know that he can and will get other women. Guess what, all of those women can offer DKT3 something that you will never be able to offer him. They all can offer him a lover/wife that will not cheat on him. You have the problem of not only competing against that, but convincing DKT3 that your a safe bet. So far you have taken a lot of steps towards doing just that. Trouble is that you will still have to take more. Understand that you will never earn full trust back with DKT3. So you will have to go out of your way to always keep proving yourself trustworthy to him. DKT3 may still be hurting over your affair, so do not be surprised at this. When you are upset about him playing with the other women always remember that this would have never happened if you had not had an A. I know that hurts, however you have to look at it from a different perspective. Your perspective should not be that of a betrayed wife. Your perspective should be that of a divorced wife watching her xBH move on with his life. It might help to think of the other women as just ex's, you know women from his past. They do not play a roll in the relationship now. Your a WW starting a new relationship with your BH. Continue to be that remorseful WW that is willing to make amends to your BH. This will be helpful in starting a new relationship with your BH.

 

I wish you both the best and try and go easy on each other. You both have been through a lot. Before getting angry and accusing or yelling at each other pause for a minute. Try and think of the others perspective then explain yours. Calmly speaking and listing need to prevail with you two. Cut each other a little slack. I would not suggest that you two should ever marry again. However I do believe that you two can one day live as lovers under the same roof. Take care of each other.

 

The way I feel about her A now is hard to explain. I don't think hurt is the word. I'm better about it. Dissapointed is more like the feeling. A loss, for me it could never be what it was, like my repaired ACL it doesn't hurt it just doesn't work like it use to. Before I could run, jump bend and squat without any worries. Now I have to be careful, I have to watch what I do and those things are limited.

 

I can't and won't check up on Lovin. She will do what she will, if it doesn't fit right then.....

 

I also feel its wrong to hang leaving over her head, making her feel unstable in this relationship. Its a fine line that I'm learning to walk.

[revelations]

I can understand your viewpoint DKT3.

It is never good to make anyone feel like they can lose the relationship at any given time. Just remember that it is okay to have hard boundaries with her. Now remember everyone is different, however for me would be having a girls night out. In my case my xWW cheated on me during a girls weekend away. So you can see were something like that would be a major trigger for myself. It is up to you and what works for you my friend. I make suggestions based on what I know works or does not work for me.

 

Not playing warden over your xWW is also something that I can relate to. Trust me if I have to watch her every move or always check her email I would be asking for pay because it is like a second job. The important thing is that lovin is willing to do what it takes to make you feel safe with her. What makes me feel safe may not work for you. However I am sure that you two will work that out. For me feeling safe is of the utmost importance. After all how can I fall asleep next to her if I don't have a decent amount of trust.

 

I am in your corner and wish you the best. In a lot of ways you are handling this better than I would. Like I said before I do believe she has earned a second chance. However I will tell you that a second chance with me would probably be worse than just walking away. I tend to go from very laid back to very hard line and militant in situations such as this. If her farts smell funny I question it.

 

Your attitude is very helpful to rebuild your relationship with lovin, were mine is not. Also another suggestion is to set aside about 1/2 hr a week to discuss the relationship with each other. If need be do the same thing concerning her affair and how it is affecting you now. Things like this do help out as much as a date night does. I hope it works out for you, hang in their my friend.

[DKT3]

Yeah, I can't watch her. I work in aerospace so when the planes are ready I have to be there. I'm at work now (4am) she could be doing how knows what. I can't worry about it, all your safety depends on it (those who fly) bad joke I know.

[Buckeye2]

The way I feel about her A now is hard to explain. I don't think hurt is the word. I'm better about it. Dissapointed is more like the feeling. A loss, for me it could never be what it was, like my repaired ACL it doesn't hurt it just doesn't work like it use to. Before I could run, jump bend and squat without any worries. Now I have to be careful, I have to watch what I do and those things are limited.

 

Very will said.

 

Since you are already divorced you have the perfect solution. She has demonstrated that she can’t be trusted at the marriage level and was demoted. She asked in another post why her words of faithfulness should be more trusted this time than last.

 

Live together without being married. Many people with kids do and there is no stigma. She sounds like she would be a great girlfriend for you.

 

I can't and won't check up on Lovin. She will do what she will, if it doesn't fit right then.....

 

I also feel its wrong to hang leaving over her head, making her feel unstable in this relationship. Its a fine line that I'm learning to walk.

 

There would be no reason to check up on her because there would be no reason to cheat. You are divorced. If she finds another guy she can just tell you and move out.

 

Your promise to her should be that you will stay with her until she decides to leave. Her promise to you should be open communication and to tell you right away about another guy.

 

Does your state have common law marriages?

[Clay]

It does sound like she is full of regret but I think you are right. It will never really be the same again. Even if your relationship could evolve the trust is never going to fully be back again. I tried for years. My xW cheated again and again throughout the entire marriage. I was a idiot to really think I could fix things. You will have to decide what you want but I can tell you this I moved on and my life is so much better. Nothing says you and your xW can't still have a good friendship.

 

Clay