crazy for thinking about doing it again?

[DKT3]

Meh, believe what you will. I was a involved in a PA only and could care less what he thinks of me now. He never tricked me or future faked so i haven't got some sensitivity towards that. My concern wasn't for the OW it was that you somehow think so long as you aren't being betrayed it is okay to hang out and be besties with people who show such little respect for their wives. And because it isn't your life you seem to not even care their wives are being so mistreated. Who cares about diaper packs. Some friendships are toxic. And if they have made you complecent towards people being treated poorly... Because that is how it sounds. I most certainly don't hang or with people who lie and cheat actively without repentance or remorse for years! And I most certainly wouldn't want my family to be exposed so regularly to such people if I had children.

Yet you explosed your family to it yourself. While I haven't. Go figure

[Furious]

I've posted at least three times that my ex and I talked about telling the BS of one, whom we are friends with. So yes she knows, she has known these guys for as long as I have.

 

Let me ask you this, your husband cheated right? And you said at one point you were testing the infidelity waters, and may have slightly crossed into some EA stuff. Does that mean you or your husband doesn't care about your family or your friends families?

 

 

I never cheated, nor crossed the line with an EA.

 

You must have me confused with another poster.

 

 

And yes my husband cheated, and after-day he dumped all his cheating colleagues. He made that decision because he could longer be a hypocrite.

Edited April 12, 2014 by Furious

[veritas lux mea]

Yet you explosed your family to it yourself. While I haven't. Go figure

 

Actually, my boundaries were really bad before my affair and I had some not so goood friends. Toxic enviroments. I'm not saying you will cheat because your friends do. I am saying why are you so close and spending so much time with people who are so cavalier about betraying their wives? How is it healthy? And how does turning your eyes away while they destroy their families but you claim to be a friend make you feel? Sometimes taking a stand for what is right means losing friends. But friends who play with girls emotions while betraying their wives and then laughing about it?

 

I have learned the friends we keep do have an impact on us. Maybe we won't engage in the same behaviour but at some point we do have to develop some sort of callousness towards behaviour we normally would find disgusting.

[DKT3]

After discovering my husband's affair. I decided to go on an affair hunting expedition. I flirted...gave off the sexual vibe...got touchy feely...expressed how unhappy my marriage was. Low and behold I had many offers.

Of course I declined those offers. But I proved my point to my husband.

 

My question to BS's have you had the opportunity to cheat and why didn't you cross that line?

 

There was more in that thread that suggested you may have. Of course when its not clear cut it depends on the spouse of the person engaged in the activity.

 

 

Both of you avoided my question. You ladies are going to far with your judgement of me. My friends actions have no impact on my kids.

 

And assume to much. Yes I spent a lot of time with them in our 20's. I don't even communicate with them on a weekly bases. We get together ever few months or so.

[DKT3]

Actually, my boundaries were really bad before my affair and I had some not so goood friends. Toxic enviroments. I'm not saying you will cheat because your friends do. I am saying why are you so close and spending so much time with people who are so cavalier about betraying their wives? How is it healthy? And how does turning your eyes away while they destroy their families but you claim to be a friend make you feel? Sometimes taking a stand for what is right means losing friends. But friends who play with girls emotions while betraying their wives and then laughing about it?

 

I have learned the friends we keep do have an impact on us. Maybe we won't engage in the same behaviour but at some point we do have to develop some sort of callousness towards behaviour we normally would find disgusting.

 

Are you even reading my thread? Maybe you jumped on this one thing and just ran with it.

[Furious]

There was more in that thread that suggested you may have. Of course when its not clear cut it depends on the spouse of the person engaged in the activity.

 

 

Both of you avoided my question. You ladies are going to far with your judgement of me. My friends actions have no impact on my kids.

 

And assume to much. Yes I spent a lot of time with them in our 20's. I don't even communicate with them on a weekly bases. We get together ever few months or so.

 

 

If read the entire thread you clearly see I never cheated and if you read all my threads you'd know where I stand on infidelity.

 

The way you jump to conclusions and point fingers is enlightening.

 

My husband met a woman in a bar. He claimed it was a mistake something that just happened.

 

Cheating is choice, that anyone can cheat if they flirt and have poor boundaries. After, i got home and I had three numbers in my bag , showed him that cheating is choice . I tore up those number in front of him and flushed them down the toilet. I proved my point to my husband.

 

Next time read the whole story before to jumping to conclusions.

 

I'm sorry your wife cheated on you. She should have divorced you instead.

 

I would advise her to not reconcile with you. You're quite a hypocrite.

Good luck.

Edited April 12, 2014 by Furious

[Furious]

It's obvious you're not against cheating in general, only against YOU being cheated on.

[DKT3]

If read the entire thread you clearly see I never cheated and if you read all my threads you'd know where I stand on infidelity.

 

The way you jump to conclusions and point fingers is enlightening.

 

My husband met a woman in a bar. He claimed it was a mistake something that just happened.

 

Cheating is choice, that anyone can cheat if they flirt and have poor boundaries. After, i got home and I had three numbers in my bag , showed him that cheating is choice . I tore up those number in front of him and flushed them down the toilet. I proved my point to my husband.

 

Next time read the whole story before to jumping to conclusions.

 

I'm sorry your wife cheated on you. She should have divorced you instead.

 

I would advise her to not reconcile with you. You're quite a hypocrite.

Good luck.

 

Did you read mine? If you had you would know I did in fact express my disdain for their cheating. One almost became a physical fight and we didn't speak for a while.

 

I'm a hyocrite because I don't agree with you and a few others about cheating rubbing off and having an effect on my kids, yet your husband cheated and your still with him is that negitive on your family? You continue to avoid my quetion and I'm the hypocrite?

 

Again if I was the one who cheated then I could see making the move your husband made, it makes sense in that situation. My friends are more then guys who cheated. We as people are all more then the mistakes or bad decisions we make in life.

 

I respect you as a poster and enjoy your stuff. Maybe we should agree to disagree and allow our respect to grow. Yes?

[Furious]

Did you read mine? If you had you would know I did in fact express my disdain for their cheating. One almost became a physical fight and we didn't speak for a while.

 

I'm a hyocrite because I don't agree with you and a few others about cheating rubbing off and having an effect on my kids, yet your husband cheated and your still with him is that negitive on your family? You continue to avoid my quetion and I'm the hypocrite?

 

Again if I was the one who cheated then I could see making the move your husband made, it makes sense in that situation. My friends are more then guys who cheated. We as people are all more then the mistakes or bad decisions we make in life.

 

I respect you as a poster and enjoy your stuff. Maybe we should agree to disagree and allow our respect to grow. Yes?

 

 

Sure...

 

Good luck

[DKT3]

Wow, my thread has taken a left turn with so much focus on my friends issues. There has actually been a lot going on in my own relationship.

 

Had two MC Thursday and Friday. Therapist seems to be damn good. Her focus is infidelity.

 

She got some info from the ex by phone and she jumped right in within 10 mins. Told us that we had dealt with nothing that I had largely rugswept then quickly divorced. She said simply starting over wasn't an option if we honestly wanted to make it work.

 

We had a very emotional talk after the Thursday hour. Friday she kinda gave us an outline of what we need to do. When we did MC before I was really emotionally checked out and was only physically there. I'm looking forward to this. Maybe we won't make it, time will tell. I know she will help me heal and grow.

 

Back to my friends for a second. Asked my ex about how she felt. She told me she had always been alittle uneasy about me hanging out with them, but trusted me so she didn't say much. She said after I was on to her affair and I started spending more time she was scared I would tell them and they would pressure me into sleeping around. But at that point how could she say anything. I asked her would she be more comfortable if I stopped hanging around with them. She was iffy with her response so I'm guessing its an issue for her.

 

Ex's birthday is next week, I've done small things over the past 5 years but this I plan on taking her home. Wednesday we'll fly home let the kids spend time with the grandparents and drive to Santa Barbara Friday and Sat.

[Spectre]

"You are the company you keep".

 

The more we allow ourselves to be exposed to negative behaviour the more likely we will cross similar lines ourselves.

 

Someone who is currently engaged in offensive behaviour is not the same as someone who has/is making amends and no longer engaged in the behaviour.

 

At least most would make/see the difference.

 

The problem is this "guilt my association" thing. You aren't the company you keep. You can be friends with someone without adopting their lifestyle and/or beliefs. It is utterly insane to suggest otherwise. I have friends, it doesn't mean I support every single choice they make in their lives. As long as his friends are not mentally/physically abusing their wives, it's unfair to try to judge someone like this.

 

Not to mention offensive behavior doesn't become less offensive merely because it is in the past. If you are judging him by the type of friends he has, then what type of judgment will you make about the type of wife he has, which is one that has cheated on him? You say it is different because the wife is making "amends" well okay, but the friends do not owe him any amends because these are two different types of relationships.

 

I am not saying a person can't be influenced by their friends, merely that it is not an automatic thing. Once again actions speak louder then words and the fact the guy is considering taking her back just reinforces the fact that his friends treatment of their wives has not effected how he treats his own.

Edited April 12, 2014 by Spectre

[AlwaysGrowing]

The problem is this "guilt my association" thing. You aren't the company you keep. You can be friends with someone without adopting their lifestyle and/or beliefs. It is utterly insane to suggest otherwise. I have friends, it doesn't mean I support every single choice they make in their lives. As long as his friends are not mentally/physically abusing their wives, it's unfair to try to judge someone like this.

 

Not to mention offensive behavior doesn't become less offensive merely because it is in the past. If you are judging him by the type of friends he has, then what type of judgment will you make about the type of wife he has, which is one that has cheated on him? You say it is different because the wife is making "amends" well okay, but the friends do not owe him any amends because these are two different types of relationships.

 

I am not saying a person can't be influenced by their friends, merely that it is not an automatic thing. Once again actions speak louder then words and the fact the guy is considering taking her back just reinforces the fact that his friends treatment of their wives has not effected how he treats his own.

 

 

If one felt that infidelity is a form of abuse..then your qualifier would then exist.

 

It is not I that judge his wifes past behaviour in the present. If a person is still engaged in behaviour that I view as offensive...then they are not interested in being my friend..amends from them to me..would be to stop the offensive behaviour.

 

One must always be aware of pitfalls that litter our surroundings. Questioning whether someone/something adds or detracts from the destination/type of life we want to live is something that everyone should do.

[Spectre]

If one felt that infidelity is a form of abuse..then your qualifier would then exist.

 

It is not I that judge his wifes past behaviour in the present. If a person is still engaged in behaviour that I view as offensive...then they are not interested in being my friend..amends from them to me..would be to stop the offensive behaviour.

 

One must always be aware of pitfalls that litter our surroundings. Questioning whether someone/something adds or detracts from the destination/type of life we want to live is something that everyone should do.

 

Yeah, but there is no universal law of friendship, is what I am saying. You want your friends to not partake in things that offend you. Okay, I get it, that is your right. If I was anti abortion and my friend decided to become a doctor doing abortions then we probably wouldn't get along, but I would not think that having him in my life would actually change my own views on the issue. That is what I am trying to say here. If my views were to change it would be because of me, not someone else. Likewise, I don't think this guy having friends that cheat is negatively impacting his relationship. The fact that he wants to give his wife another shot pretty much tells us the exact opposite.

[Fluttershy]

OP-

 

I am glad your MC is making you guys start from scratch. And I also want ou to know I am here rooting for both of you. I am pro R if everything is there and so far it seems to be. While the keeping her on the hook may not have been the best for you i am glad to see you decided you needed to make a choice. And I don't condemn you for the sex. If you had been stringing her along with it or manipulating her with it that may have been different but she knew what it was and so did you. Keep being honest with each other and work on the things that build your connections.

 

As to the friends. I am glad you asked your wife about it. From my POV even before my H's affair i would have been uneasy with his friends laughing and joking about screwing around. I wouldn't have been worried about him but it would have bothered me that his friends made light of hurting others. Of course now with him as the cheater... No way would I be happy with him being apart of such a group. But of course that is to do his cheating so different. I realize that.I know for me personaly if I had any friends gloating about cheating I would distance themselves. Not shun them just go low contact.

 

Once again, I am glad you are trying again. A whole happy family is a wonderful thing.

[beach]

Wow, my thread has taken a left turn with so much focus on my friends issues. There has actually been a lot going on in my own relationship.

 

Had two MC Thursday and Friday. Therapist seems to be damn good. Her focus is infidelity.

 

She got some info from the ex by phone and she jumped right in within 10 mins. Told us that we had dealt with nothing that I had largely rugswept then quickly divorced. She said simply starting over wasn't an option if we honestly wanted to make it work.

 

We had a very emotional talk after the Thursday hour. Friday she kinda gave us an outline of what we need to do. When we did MC before I was really emotionally checked out and was only physically there. I'm looking forward to this. Maybe we won't make it, time will tell. I know she will help me heal and grow.

 

Back to my friends for a second. Asked my ex about how she felt. She told me she had always been alittle uneasy about me hanging out with them, but trusted me so she didn't say much. She said after I was on to her affair and I started spending more time she was scared I would tell them and they would pressure me into sleeping around. But at that point how could she say anything. I asked her would she be more comfortable if I stopped hanging around with them. She was iffy with her response so I'm guessing its an issue for her.

 

Ex's birthday is next week, I've done small things over the past 5 years but this I plan on taking her home. Wednesday we'll fly home let the kids spend time with the grandparents and drive to Santa Barbara Friday and Sat.

 

What is the outline the therapist mapped out for you?

[DKT3]

What is the outline the therapist mapped out for you?

 

*shallow your pride

 

*communicate

 

*stop blaming

 

*learn from the past

 

*forgive

 

*be patient

 

*leave it in the past

 

She explained each step but not in depth. It was good stuff.

[beach]

*shallow your pride

 

*communicate

 

*stop blaming

 

*learn from the past

 

*forgive

 

*be patient

 

*leave it in the past

 

She explained each step but not in depth. It was good stuff.

 

What is your wife supposed to be working on? What evidence shows you she's doing what is mapped out for her?

[DKT3]

What is your wife supposed to be working on? What evidence shows you she's doing what is mapped out for her?

 

Haven't got that far yet. She seems to think that we well need to manage my anger. I said I was no longer angry and she gave me that look our moms use to give us when we bent the truth. That's when she talked again about my rugsweeping.

[DKT3]

I don't know about the pride shallowing part. I honestly think getting to this point take me leting go of some pride. I told myself for so long no matter how much I cared I would never be with her again.

[beach]

Haven't got that far yet. She seems to think that we well need to manage my anger. I said I was no longer angry and she gave me that look our moms use to give us when we bent the truth. That's when she talked again about my rugsweeping.

 

I think you need to get a handle on recognizing your feelings - and stating what that is with honesty.

 

Your wife ripped your world apart. Anyone would be angry.

 

If you can't tell what your wife is working on - then she's not yet doing enough.

[DKT3]

I think you need to get a handle on recognizing your feelings - and stating what that is with honesty.

 

Your wife ripped your world apart. Anyone would be angry.

 

If you can't tell what your wife is working on - then she's not yet doing enough.

 

I misunderstood what you were asking, I was thinking with this current therapist. Its been over 6 years since the affair ended, I knew about it a few months before it ended although I was told it ended before I knew. That was recent info.

 

She has been in IC for six years and has made a lot of changes. We've been apart for 5 years so I'm pretty distant emotionally from the affair. The therapist says that will change and it will get worse before we get were we need to be. She says my anger and resentment will resurface because I never dealt with it.

 

I did some IC but only a few times here and there after the first six months when I went weekly.

[beach]

It may be more useful to address how you feel first - as it comes up with the counselor - before going back with your exW.

 

You may have more to process than you realize - and if the counselor is prepping you for the anger stage - it may be best to have some personal space between you and your ex while you get through those feelings.

 

 

You've waited this long - why not consider waiting a bit longer until you've addressed what evidence she has about her affair and how you process that moving forward?

 

No need to hurt through the feelings - but I think you have more to do than you think you do - based on what the counselor has presented.

[DKT3]

Funny how after so much time apart you can quickly find yourself in the same pattern.

 

Yesterday I sprung the trip on my ex. I told her I had paid for everything and made the arrangements with her partner to clear her week from work. Out of no where she starts in about how she isn't going to allow me to control her, and how she needs time to plan these things. So I get pissed and walk out.

 

She called a few hours later and I ignored, then texts again ignored. As I laid down for bed I started to think. "This sh**t isn't going to work" many thoughts rolled around and I couldn't sleep. Then it hit me. Change is not just attitude and words, it has to be actions. I can't do the same things and expect different results.

 

Then it dawned on me, the way I told her about the trip it seemed like it was for her and the kids and not including me. Back to an issue from before. When we had problems I threw money at them. She saw me doing it again. Her reactions wasn't about planning of me being controlling, it was about her wanting to be with me on the trip. Again one of our issues. Her hiding her real feelings behind fake issues.

 

For all the improvements we have made apart, we have to change the 20+ year old dynamic of US. I see now that is where the focus has to be.

 

We cleared everything up by phone this morning and now she is on her way over after she drops the kids off.

 

Bang, no sex. Why did I agree to that again?

[beach]

Let me get this right - you planned and paid for her vacation - yet she was pissed at you?

 

She cheated way back when, right?

 

Hmmm, ... Wow - that is some severe attitude and entitlement on that gal.

 

Are you sure she has changed her attitude? Or changed at all?

[Fluttershy]

Let me get this right - you planned and paid for her vacation - yet she was pissed at you?

 

She cheated way back when, right?

 

Hmmm, ... Wow - that is some severe attitude and entitlement on that gal.

 

Are you sure she has changed her attitude? Or changed at all?

 

As a woman who is not a cheater I can say I do not like surprises at all. Some do. I have a friend who is planning their entire honeymoon (not a tradition where i live) and she isn't allowed a say and he is "doing it for her". And if you like that sort of thing it is okay but if you don't it feels controlling and like you aren't given a chance to have input. Yes he should have been more honest aboit why she was upset but at this stage he should have communicated with her before planning the trip.

 

I am not looking for faults in your wife alone OP, specially not after 5 years of patiently waiting for a second shot. Obviously habits of hiw you behaved together will need to be broken. How have things been since?