I’m a liar.

[Confusion_Reigns]

I realize this and am beginning to understand…maybe…why it’s easy for me to lie to my husband. Well, it’s because I’ve been lying to him for years and years. I’ve been faithful to him, I’ve been loyal to him, I’ve isolated myself from others for him, I’ve taken a lot of crap for him and From him. But thru all of it I’ve been lying about being happy with him, in this life we’ve built together.

 

It’s not a pretty thing for me to accept about myself. I’ve always thought of myself as a truthful person, and honest person. For the most part I am honest, I don’t lie to people. I tell white lies but I think we all do that in the interest of politeness and kindness. But I’ve lied to my husband, a lot. Lots of little white lies that aren’t really bad or hurtful but in the long term do not give him a clear idea of who I am or what I want/need. I’ve told him directly these things…but maybe those lil lies make it unclear to him? idk. I can’t guess what he’s thinking.

 

I’ve done this in the interest of not rocking the boat over little things. I realize that…and this is hard for me to put into words…that….his crazy mood swings have contributed to my lil white lying…furthermore, my caretaking/codependency have contributed to our dysfunctional ways. It feels like a puzzle coming together in my mind. Because of this, there was that, and this is the picture we created. Together.

 

It’s been bugging me that I can lie to him. How can I do that? I never thought I could and I always thought he’d see right thru me. Well, I’ve been telling him half-truths for a very long time. Now my half-truths are really omissions of facts (lies!).

 

For example:

Lie- I went to the store and didn’t see anyone when in reality I saw my sister and chatted for a half an hour

Lie- I don’t mind going to eat at the pizza place when really I hate pizza

Lie- When I don’t say I’m scared when he’s driving 100 mph because I know he’ll just drive faster

Lie- when I don’t tell him that his words are disrespectful and hurtful because he’ll just get meaner

 

I don’t really have a question, just this observation…thoughts? Does this resonate with anyone?

[nais]

your not at peace with the lies- why not try the truth? if you fear some resentment from being honest prepare yourself but it can be satisfying. Stopped lying to an Ex, he stalked me pretty bad but in the end- I was happy because he finally knew the truth. I did not like him, he sucked in bed (big ass property and all) OAN I slept with my MM again and it was awesome-

 

 

yeah pretty harsh but- you do not choke me (yes this happened the month before) and think it is cute- some people need truths, they are the welcome mats to our sanity!

[QuakerOats]

I'm confused why this is on the OW forum.

 

I'd suggest just working on breaking the habit of the little lies. It is a habit, and really it doesn't serve much purpose other than to be superficially polite.

[Confusion_Reigns]

I posted this here because I'm a MW with a sOM that I talk to without my H's knowledge. I figure that this section would be the best board to get reply's from other MW or MM who may have experience with this particular issue. If this offends/triggers you I am sorry.

 

It is a habit with him esp. but with others too. White lies are still lies...but they are not about hurting...also not really about helping either...what are they....just words to stop a convo? words to get out of a situation? words to save face? save one's own ass? idk, probably a bit of all and more.

[QuakerOats]

Well, it seems like your lies to your husband aren't just white lies.

 

It sounds like you need to work on your esteem...to feel more self assured with your own thoughts and opinions.

[blue963]

Did you ever think that this is a coping mechanism? You are saying those things in that way to lessen/eliminate the stress and unhappiness from your life. To me, this is not lying.

[herself]

Sounds like some of the lies are to protect yourself.

Sounds also like your deeply unhappy.

And not that lying is ok, though many of us are lying or have lied myself included...

Sounds like your husband is equally guilty of something just as wrong...that is, if you love & cherish a woman you dont scare her intentionally at high speeds or get meaner if the meaness causes her to wilter.

Neither of you are doing right by eachother.

Where does it break I wonder?

Cause, can u live in this state forever?

Makes me sad.

I had ea due to possible love addiction and or low self esteem.

Not because my husband is an a-hole.

[Sub]

I would lie about little things with my W in a similar fashion and for similar reasons. She wasn't as cruel as it appears your H is, but I would feel judged about decisions, questioned about a lot of things, etc. Unfortunately, I didn't start to brush it off until after D-Day. If she didn't like the fact that I stopped for something to eat on the way home, that was her issue. And if we were going to R, she needed to accept me for who I was and everything I do. Something I had always done with her, IMO. And it worked. Things are much healthier now. The respect is there, maybe due to what she sees as my respectful indifference to her feelings on things I think are inconsequential. I realized that we had set this dynamic up of her being the opinionated one with common sense, and me being the foolhardy one who thought he was doing something wrong half the time. And we both needed me to be stronger than that.

 

 

More importantly, though, how do you not like pizza?

[jwi71]

 

For example:

Lie- I went to the store and didn’t see anyone when in reality I saw my sister and chatted for a half an hour

Lie- I don’t mind going to eat at the pizza place when really I hate pizza

Lie- When I don’t say I’m scared when he’s driving 100 mph because I know he’ll just drive faster

Lie- when I don’t tell him that his words are disrespectful and hurtful because he’ll just get meaner

 

I don’t really have a question, just this observation…thoughts? Does this resonate with anyone?

 

What resonates with me is - why the Sam Hell are you still M?

He sounds like an absolute jackazz.

[Secret Advisor]

Seems like there's something you would like to admit to.

[BetrayedH]

It sounds like you want to move towards an honest and AUTHENTIC life. That's a supremely good thing. I hope you find it within yourself to make it actionable. I recently heard someone say that a vision without delivery is just an hallucination.

 

I think habitual lying many times starts off as very well-intentioned. You expect to have to compromise in a marriage. And no one wants to be perceived as the bitchy wife or controlling husband. And in general, people don't care for conflict so we have a tendency to avoid it. But the problem is that our well-intentioned lies and conflict-avoidance leads to (1) Conveying a message that you don't want to convey and (2) uncommunicated and unresolved resentment.

 

As for the first one, perhaps I can share an example. It's become apparent to me that many women have faked an orgasm or two in their lifetime. Perhaps they know that they aren't going to have one, don't want their husband to feel bad, and the fake orgasm may get him off sooner. Sounds fairly well-intentioned. The problem is that you've just sent him the message that he should continue doing exactly what wasn't working for you. You successfully avoided the conflict but now may have created a problem that lasts as long as the marriage. Oops.

 

As for the second one, when your husband drives too fast, you get resentful and don't say anything. You may have avoided the conflict but he still drives too fast and it still pisses you off and makes you harbor resentment. It's a short-term success but a long-term failure. The problem with unresolved resentment is that it's going to come out at some point. We make a note of all of these little sacrifices and compromises and we hold onto them. They can make us supremely angry. And eventually it comes out. Even the smallest argument can suddenly result in a HUGE temper-tantrum over everything your spouse has done wrong over 20 years. Or maybe you just take it out in a passive-aggressive manner, such as an affair. Sadly, resentment doesn't resolve itself. In a marriage, it can be a killer. I've learned that I would much rather deal with some immediate and small conflict over a specific issue rather than deal with resentment that comes out in a much less controlled fashion because it's been festering for years. With my current girlfriend, if there is even a subject that I find myself reluctant to discuss because it'll be difficult, that means that I MUST discuss it with her. Now, I might wait until I am not as emotional about it but it's going to get discussed so that I send the right message and so that I don't get resentful. I am simply resolved to not avoid conflict anymore.

 

The other disadvantage to this well-intentioned pattern of lying is that you find yourself where you are today - wondering when the hell you became such a prolific liar. Instead of small things, now you're lying about big things. Worse yet, you have to constantly be thinking and worrying of what you told to whom so you can avoid exposing yourself for the liar that you are. What an awful existence. Is it even working for you? I can tell you that there are some great rewards for living an honest and authentic life. My life is very much an open book - I don't hide my mistakes. If I'm going to lie, I challenge myself to have a damn good reason and most of those 'reasons' fall short. The result is that I'm NEVER in fear of what someone might find or expose. That's a lot different from ALWAYS being afraid. And it's very liberating. And on top of all that, people know where I stand because I'm open about my real opinions pretty much all of the time.

 

Just a point of view to consider.

[Confusion_Reigns]

I hear you, BH, really I do. I am working towards living that authentic life that I want to live...for the most part I do live my life as such, except with my husband. It's not like I lie to everyone all the time throughout my entire existence, lol.

 

I guess...and I know this is my fault for not being more, um, forceful (?)...but when I have told him to slow down when I'm scared he'd speed up instead....when I tell him I don't like pizza, well, it simply doesn't matter because he likes pizza, so we go to the pizza place. So, it's not like I haven't addressed these issues with him. I have. Many times. Nothing changes....except me, I lower my expectations of what marriage is supposed to be.

[BetrayedH]

I hear you, BH, really I do. I am working towards living that authentic life that I want to live...for the most part I do live my life as such, except with my husband. It's not like I lie to everyone all the time throughout my entire existence, lol.

 

I guess...and I know this is my fault for not being more, um, forceful (?)...but when I have told him to slow down when I'm scared he'd speed up instead....when I tell him I don't like pizza, well, it simply doesn't matter because he likes pizza, so we go to the pizza place. So, it's not like I haven't addressed these issues with him. I have. Many times. Nothing changes....except me, I lower my expectations of what marriage is supposed to be.

 

I hear you. And I don't think you just lie to everyone all the time. As I said, I believe that it many times begins as well-intentioned (which becomes easy to justify) and then gradually morphs into a very bad habit because it always works in that short-term fashion (avoiding the immediate conflict and keeps the peace).

 

And yes, I think that being more forceful is the key. My wife was similar to you in some ways. She was fearful of saying that she'd lost her attraction towards me. I could lose about 20 pounds. But instead of having that difficult conversation, she (literally) started buying low-fat Triscuits and 2% milk. Guess what? I didn't get the message. Similarly, we had a nearly sexless marriage for many years (about once every two months). She just blamed hormones for her lack of sex drive. I tried everything - initiating more, initiating less, giving more non-sexual affection, doing more around the house. I even bought her libido pills, Avlimil, I think. None of it worked, of course. She also asked me to watch some Oprah episodes that she'd recorded about sex. I watched a few of them and pretty much learned nothing. I really had no idea what any of them had to do with us in particular. I sure wish she had just been able to have an honest and authentic conversation with me, you know? None of these softball attempts did anything for us. When the truth came out after I discovered her affair, she saw how much I was really willing to change and to use her word, she felt really stupid. One difficult conversation would have been much easier on us in the long run.

 

So anyway, I hope you do find the courage to be more forceful. Hell, I'm a fan of ultimatums over issues that are potential dealbreakers. Get that crap resolved. Don't accept treatment that's really unacceptable. Your well-intentioned approach just hasn't worked.

Edited April 2, 2014 by BetrayedH

[Confusion_Reigns]

 

So anyway, I hope you do find the courage to be more forceful. Hell, I'm a

fan of ultimatums over issues that are potential dealbreakers. Get that crap

resolved. Don't accept treatment that's really unacceptable. Your

well-intentioned approach just hasn't worked.

 

No, it hasn't worked at all. I am getting out as I see no alternative. What you describe between you and your xW (?) is things that happen between normal people in the scope of a normal marriage.

 

I honestly do not think I'm dealing with 'normal' when it comes to my H's attitudes/behaviors...I've been spinning my wheels in this particular place for a very long time. Nothing has worked. I've been reasonable, I've been unreasonable, I've been sweet and hard....I've tried to be logical, I've bought many books and I've suggested websites for improving our marriage...and then I stopped beating my head against his brick wall.

 

Now, I'm working towards ending this and leaving him in the safest way possible....lol (but not really) I can still hear him telling me, years ago, "if you ever leave me, it doesn't matter where you go I can always s find you" said in a very loving way....like that was supposed to make me feel loved and cherished? Valued and respected? Safe and protected? hardly.

[BetrayedH]

I won't try to say that I know your marriage better than you. If you say it's over the top and hopeless, I can't effectively argue with you.

 

If anything, I might encourage you to make one last ditch effort to get him to take you seriously. What about getting an attorney consultation and telling your H that, "We either go to MC and start seriously addressing our issues or I'm telling him to file.?" Give your attorney a heads-up that you're having this conversation and provide him with a statement that outlines your fears. At that point , your H either mans up and makes serious efforts to save the marriage or you're at least on the legal path you'll need to protect yourself during a divorce. The side benefit is that you'll be able to say that found the courage to have that difficult conversation and at the same time, you gave him a chance to either put up or shut up.

[Confusion_Reigns]

I honestly do not believe I have the one last ditch effort in me for him. He got that from me after his last affair. We separated then and we have both agreed that if we separated again it's over.

 

I'm absolutely positive that when we're finally really done, he moves out or I do, he's going to hold on, tight...and at the same time he's going to push me away, hard...he's going to get crazy on me...I'm a bit fearful that he's going to start drinking again and if he does...well, I just don't know...

 

adding: To be perfectly honest leaving him is the hardest thing for me to do. It'd be easier for me to just let myself sink back into the sand and let life keep on rolling by the way it always has been....but I can't do that. I won't do that. I'm not ever getting back into that box, never.

Edited April 2, 2014 by Confusion_Reigns

[BetrayedH]

I honestly do not believe I have the one last ditch effort in me for him. He got that from me after his last affair. We separated then and we have both agreed that if we separated again it's over.

 

I'm absolutely positive that when we're finally really done, he moves out or I do, he's going to hold on, tight...and at the same time he's going to push me away, hard...he's going to get crazy on me...I'm a bit fearful that he's going to start drinking again and if he does...well, I just don't know...

 

adding: To be perfectly honest leaving him is the hardest thing for me to do. It'd be easier for me to just let myself sink back into the sand and let life keep on rolling by the way it always has been....but I can't do that. I won't do that. I'm not ever getting back into that box, never.

 

If you don't have one last ditch effort in you to save the marriage, then it is truly done. And if you've both had affairs, I don't blame either of you for calling it quits.

 

You aren't the first woman to fear leaving her husband. That said, I don't mean to minimize it either. It sounds like it's time to find a family law attorney and to start documenting. Judges don't take kindly to nonsense during a divorce. Ultimately, you can't fully prevent him from doing crazy stuff but having an attorney on retainer is the best way to make sure things don't get out of hand.

[eye of the storm]

Confusion, I lied all the time in my M. I was never unfaithful, not in 18 long years. But in the beginning I lied about small stuff to keep the peace, then I lied about more stuff, then as things got worse, financially/emotionally/physically, I lied more and more. Till the kids and I didn't know what was true and what wasn't. We all lied. We did it to keep from having the same fights over and over and over again. Were we wrong....maybe. Did I teach my kids bad coping skills when dealing with difficult people, yes. At the time we did what we needed to in order to survive another day in semi peace.

 

My therapist told me I should have been honest all along. She said if I had put my foot down and said "this is unacceptable to me" my M would have either been stronger and better or I would have been divorced along time ago. LOL Either way, I would have been out of a bad situation.

 

If you have to lie to get thru the day. Then you need to make a move. It is not a healthy place to be. It damages you in ways that take years to fix.

 

I hope the confusion fades and you can see clearly.

[ZMM]

Lie- I went to the store and didn’t see anyone when in reality I saw my sister and chatted for a half an hour

Lie- I don’t mind going to eat at the pizza place when really I hate pizza

Lie- When I don’t say I’m scared when he’s driving 100 mph because I know he’ll just drive faster

Lie- when I don’t tell him that his words are disrespectful and hurtful because he’ll just get meaner

 

It looks like you may have a good reason for all those lies. For at least one of them, it sounds like a safety measure. I think you know why you are lying, and in this case it may be the only sane thing to do - that is if you are going to stay with this man.