I'm not sure

[Clancybenjamin]

Hey all,

Thanks in advance for any responses you might throw out here. I have a bit of a situation and I'm not sure what to do.

 

I've been dating a girl for almost 3 years. About 3 months ago we separated for about a month and a half because she was going to be moving long distance and needed time to figure out if she was ready for more commitment (moving together or really trying long distance, possible engagement etc). This relationship was/is perfect and everyone round comments on how healthy and great it is for both of us... Including her family. (Btw I'm 30 and she's 24).

 

Long story short while we were on a break she started hanging out with a new girl friend from work and goes out to the bars once a week or so. I'm not a jealous guy by any means and I have encouraged her freedom and fun since we have been back together. However, last weekend she admitted me that she does crazy things while out including trying "bumps" of white powder. This threw me slightly, but mainly just because I want her to be safe... I told her that I was concerned and mentioned that I'm always available if she needs a ride or help with anything... I'm in med school currently.

 

Then yesterday morning I was sleeping in her bed and she went to walk her dog... And left her phone with me. I was a snoop and curiosity sort of killed the cat on this one. I saw at least 4 guys texting her that she gave out her number to in the last couple weeks and she's respond on with things like "when do you want to see me again?"

 

I was hurt to say the least and in the car later I brought it up in a round about way. I avoided mentioning the texts but instead just told her that I really loved her and was extremely vulnerable to hurt if she was going to mess around behind my back. I kindly reminded her that I had no less than 4 girls wanting to go out with me but that I had made the choice to be with her and fight for the best possible relationship.

 

She responded that she was confused why I would say something like this but that she really loved me. She said that just a couple days earlier she was telling her girl friend how everything was better with someone you love and that she really wanted to be with just me .

 

Now I'm not a fool... I know that she's at least feeding me a little bull. I purposely didn't mention the texts for several reasons but My plan is to look at her phone in a couple more weeks to see if she's keeping it up or if our talk was a wake up call for her. If she continues I'm not sure what I'll do since I love her much... Not to mention she has been more affectionate to me in the last several days than anytime in the last 3 years.

If anyone has any advice let me know. This isn't my first rodeo I've been in an 8 year relationship previously. I'm a confident guy and will not allow myself to be played but I also want to give her a chance to really decide what she wants.

 

Thanks again all

Clancy

[Chi townD]

Advice, Yep!

 

 

And I'm going to say this in the most delicate way I can and please don't take this the wrong way but.....you're an idiot.

 

 

What was that stuff in the car?!?! Look, you stated that you specifically didn't say anything to her about the texts because you wanted to monitor and gather future evidence. Saying those things in the car with her has her wondering what brought that up and what does he know? Therefore, if she's cheating on you, the ONLY thing you've taught her was to hide it better!

 

 

It wouldn't surprise me in the least if she starts taking her phone in the bathroom with her now or sleeps with it under her pillow. And if you do happen to get your hands on it, it wouldn't surprise me if you find the text catche empty and all text conversations deleted. Or better yet, she has a lock on the phone.

 

 

If you suspect something, and I believe you have cause. Then, you need to act clueless! That you don't have a care in the world and all is right in the universe. The more clueless she thinks you are, the more relaxed she becomes. The more relaxed she is; then that's when she's going to make a mistake. That's when you're going to catch her.

 

 

Confide in a friend. If you can, plant a GPS device in her car. When she goes out with her "friends" one night. Track her car and find out where it goes. Then, call your friend that knows what's going on and ask him if he would pop into the club at 68th St. and see what your girlfriend is doing there. See if he can snap you off some pics.

 

 

Or you can hire a PI if you're really serious about marrying her one day. They can be costly, but so can a divorce down the road if you end up marrying a cheater.

[Clancybenjamin]

Interesting take. I thought of the possibility of her keeping the phone away but figured it was worth the risk to confront her and hopefully put an end to it. at this point I'm trying to prepare myself for the good possibility that this isn't going to work out.

 

She's still moving in 4 months.. And if she did this as recently as last Thursday (mind you I stayed the night Wednesday and Friday and we went out of town together last weekend on vacation) then I'm not sure there's much hope to carry here. She wants her cake and eat it too... She's admittedly young and unsure of what she wants and I'm not oblivious to the attention she receives.

 

I'm not sure about the whole spying thing. It sort of feels like stepping over a "crazy" boundary, but you are right that I need to take measures if I'm considering an engagement anytime in the future... Lord knows she's not telling me the whole truth.

 

Lots to consider

-idiot

[Chi townD]

I agree to the spying thing to an extent. It does seem a little creepy. However, you have every right to know what's going on in your own relationship! Big red flag when she's texting some dude asking, " When do you want to see me again?" How about spending that time with your boyfriend rather than one of four other dudes.

 

 

Also (and I don't have to tell you, you being a Med student and all) that she is participating is some high risk activities. She's doing drugs and probably engaging in risky sexual activities. Don't you think you have a right to know if she's putting your health and even your life at risk?

 

 

Just some things to consider dude. Why is she leaving in four months? Where she going?

[drifter777]

You don't want to be in a relationship with a woman that you:

 

a) suspect has/is cheating

 

b) know that you can't trust

 

Why would you do this to yourself? Like you said, she's young and entitled to be a single gal and play with all the boys she wants to - except not when she's in a relationship. She will learn this eventually, but for now she's not mature enough to handle both. She's a cake-eater because it's fun and it feels good. End it with her gently but firmly. She shouldn't be lying and running around behind your back, but that's just who she is right now. Go out and play on your own and you will eventually find a girl who is ready for a real relationship.

[lolablue17]

at this point I'm trying to prepare myself for the good possibility that this isn't going to work out.

 

Great!

 

When you take control and prepare yourself and also initiate the action you can still get hurt but very little compares to spouses who bumps in to a wall by surprise and get the shock of their life.

 

If i were you i would check her phone again today or tomorrow (dont wait).

She probably deleted everything. If I were you I would pack my things and get ready to leave. and when she comes home she will notice your bags and your state of mind.

 

Then have a serious talk with her. Hey dude - SHE LIED TO YOU IN YOUR FACE! this alone can be a reason for breaking up. When she understands she is going to lose you she will tell you more of the true. maybe all of it.

 

Good luck. Dont wait.

[Clancybenjamin]

We met when I went back to school for a bio undergrad. We were both attending the same local college. We hit it off and things were great. I actually got sick for about a year and wasn't as fun as either of us would have liked and I think that played a little role in our short separation as well.

 

The idea was that we would both go to universities fairly close to see each other twice a week and maintain this relationship but when she couldn't get into where she wanted and had to settle across the country for her second choice that's when she panicked, cried for a few days... Put the relationship under an impossible microscope.. And asked for a break. Her mom called me to tell me to go work it out, and she herself professed that she had never loved anyone more.

 

Fast forward a couple months and she calls saying she misses me and wants to take things slow. It seems like our relationship may be the only thing that she's taking slow in her life at the moment. I'm 99% sure she's not sleeping around but Obviously can't be sure... Add the fact that she's attracted to girls as well and her female friendships raise caution flags too. Ha, what a cluster...

 

I suppose I'll watch it close for the next little bit and see where she goes with this... I've never even met this new friend from work and for now obvious reasons haven't been invited out with them. I guess time and vigilance will tell.

[Chi townD]

We met when I went back to school for a bio undergrad. We were both attending the same local college. We hit it off and things were great. I actually got sick for about a year and wasn't as fun as either of us would have liked and I think that played a little role in our short separation as well.

 

The idea was that we would both go to universities fairly close to see each other twice a week and maintain this relationship but when she couldn't get into where she wanted and had to settle across the country for her second choice that's when she panicked, cried for a few days... Put the relationship under an impossible microscope.. And asked for a break. Her mom called me to tell me to go work it out, and she herself professed that she had never loved anyone more.

 

Fast forward a couple months and she calls saying she misses me and wants to take things slow. It seems like our relationship may be the only thing that she's taking slow in her life at the moment. I'm 99% sure she's not sleeping around but Obviously can't be sure... Add the fact that she's attracted to girls as well and her female friendships raise caution flags too. Ha, what a cluster...

 

I suppose I'll watch it close for the next little bit and see where she goes with this... I've never even met this new friend from work and for now obvious reasons haven't been invited out with them. I guess time and vigilance will tell.

 

 

 

Okay, if your sure she isn't sleeping around, doesn't mean that she still isn't cheating. You don't have to have intercourse in order to cheat.

 

 

She could be putting more of a value on her friends and partying than she does to the relationship. Now, How is that fair to you?

 

 

She's also cheating you out of time to be with her.

[lolablue17]

I've never even met this new friend from work and for now obvious reasons haven't been invited out with them. I guess time and vigilance will tell.

 

1. She is lying to you.

2. she's going out with male friends and you're not invited.

3. She wants to take it slow.

 

Well, it's all written on the wall. Dont wait. Have a talk with her tonight. it doesn't matter if she deleted the messages or not.

[ExpatInItaly]

1. She is lying to you.

2. she's going out with male friends and you're not invited.

3. She wants to take it slow.

 

Well, it's all written on the wall. Dont wait. Have a talk with her tonight. it doesn't matter if she deleted the messages or not.

 

I agree. I wouldn't waste more time figuring out where her head's at. Have a frank discussion with her. Her behaviour is alarming and it isn't fair to you to stay with someone who's already deceiving you.

[Clancybenjamin]

Thank you for the replies all. For the past 24 hours I have been really struggling with what to do. The writing is on the wall.. It's just tough to face when you've been with someone for so long and opened yourself up to them.

 

While I don't think that's she's sleeping round she is obviously spending enough time with guys at the bar to exchange numbers... And that alone hurts. I'd almost rather just go no contact than admit to snooping through her phone... I've been down that road before and it's not fun. The girls just get defensive and angry that you violated their personal stuff... And regardless of what she was doing I want this to end on a decent tone if it's going to.

[Chi townD]

She's gonna want to know why you're breaking up with her. What are you going to tell her?

[Clancybenjamin]

Sure enough checked the phone briefly this morning and the last few guys had been deleted. I know it's not the advice I got from most of you but I'm going to stick with my original plan and keep an eye on the phone and see if I get invited out in the near future with her friend.

 

I understand this May be the dumb move but to be fair we just got back together about 3 weeks ago and I have seen a big change in her in the last week since I spoke with her. I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt for the moment and walk away immediately if I see anything else.

 

Thank you all again for the feedback. I will keep the message board updated

[Spectre]

I think you are kidding yourself. You know this girl is cheating on you. The texts you found confirm it. Not only that, but she is going out and using drugs and stuff. What kind of woman in a relationship goes out partying and doing cocaine? I'm not sure why you want to torture yourself by waiting a few more weeks before doing what you probably already know you need to do, which is leave her.

 

You might think she is a nice girl, but nice girls don't go out doing bumps of cocaine and giving a bunch of different men their phone numbers. Also by confronting her in the car the way you did you have now pretty much guaranteed she has now taken steps to make sure you can never find any evidence like that again. You played your hand too soon, or rather, you didn't play it all the way when you should have. The "wait and see" approach isn't going to work because now she knows you are onto her.

 

You seem to think that her having a "big change" since you confronted her is a good thing. The problem is that you alerted her you were onto her and she can now cover it up, and on top of that do you think it is a coincidence she then starts acting a lot more affectionate? Of course her behavior changed man, she found out you were onto her! She found out you knew something and then started doing damage control: hiding the texts better and suddenly acting a lot differently around you.

 

Your experiment to wait and see is guaranteed to fail because it was dependent on her not knowing anything was up. You lost that advantage, and now the experiment can never succeed. Sort of like if someone had one of those two way mirrors or something they use to observe people without their knowledge, but then they told the other person it was a two way mirror..it defeats the purpose of it because the point was for them to not know they are being observed. Now that they know they are being observed, their behavior will change to reflect that.

Edited April 3, 2014 by Spectre

[Chi townD]

Sure enough checked the phone briefly this morning and the last few guys had been deleted.

 

 

Yep! I called it.. now, she's on the defense. She knows she's being watched and covering her tracks. That's why she's been a "good girl" this week.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sure enough checked the phone briefly this morning and the last few guys had been deleted. I know it's not the advice I got from most of you but I'm going to stick with my original plan and keep an eye on the phone and see if I get invited out in the near future with her friend.

 

I understand this May be the dumb move but to be fair we just got back together about 3 weeks ago and I have seen a big change in her in the last week since I spoke with her. I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt for the moment and walk away immediately if I see anything else.

 

Thank you all again for the feedback. I will keep the message board updated

 

Yikes. Denial is a scary thing.

[Spectre]

Hopefully he realizes it is not best to draw this out, just make a clean break, like ripping a band aid off.