Introvert dating an Extrovert: your experiences

[Ruby Slippers]

This is kind of off subject, but since we've got the introverts gathered in this thread - does anybody have advice on how to enjoy business networking and socializing more? I'm pushing myself to do it more, but after about 2 hours of hardcore socializing, I'm exhausted. I find a reasonable amount of socializing with strangers enjoyable, but more than a couple of hours and I start to feel very overstimulated and worn out. But most of these events go on for at least 3 hours. Any tips for pacing myself better?

[ja123]

@ Ruby

 

 

Make sure that you've had maximum doses of alone time before the event, so that you're already charged.

 

 

Also, take several quick time-outs. e.g. Bathroom break, or some one on one chat off to the side of the room where it might be quitter.

[bluegreen]

It isn't something he's expressed. He sometimes teases me about being antisocial, but he's never seemed upset about it. I am super friendly and gracious when I'm around people, but it exhausts me! And then I need to retreat to my cave. Many of our friends don't even know I'm an introvert because I'm "bubbly" when I'm with them. I just have to strategically limit my time with them

 

As long as he gets his people time, I get my alone time, and we get our together time, we're fine.

 

 

And what lots of people don't know is that we are not only introverts we are also very much "empath s" thats why we can twinkle and shine with best of them but need to run to our caves ones we need recharge.

 

Have you ever considered or knew this ?

[xxmusical]

I'm an I dating an E. I think what attracted me to him was his personality--outgoing, active, talkative, brought me out of my shell...In a way, I feel like I'm not totally an introvert when I'm in front of him, when I'm relaxed, when I'm being "myself". Quite contradicting really

 

I do get socially awkward and self conscious when I'm out with his friends or colleagues (or people I'm not close with). It's not that I don't talk; I do, but I find it extremely tiresome to think of topics to talk about or even to just flow along with their conversations. But my bf is almost always the center of attention. I admire and envy this quality of his. And when girls (e.g. my friends) talk to him, I find myself thinking, "why does he get along with everybody?!" Then I remind myself not to be jealous because that's just the way he is.

 

Off topic: I've always considered myself an introvert though I'm not exactly understanding the concept of introverts recharge when they're alone..? Anyone could explain this? If alone time means staying at home and lazing around...

 

Thinking over, I'm not really sure where I fit: introvert or extrovert or a little bit of both?

[Babolat]

I do better with other introverts. Extrovert partners are helpful for getting me out of my shell, but they never seem to really get me.

 

I met the 2nd, and last, woman I have been talking to for a few weeks from OLD last night. She volunteered a few weeks ago she tests as ISFJ. I found her to be too quiet, too conservative, almost "too good", like a goody two shoes type . She does not drink, doesn't seem to get out, comes across as a home body. I was physically attracted to her, yet I found myself doing all the talking. I even stopped talking at one point and there was a lot of silence.

 

She talked about her ex bf getting drunk once and how much it bothered her. I volunteered I do not get drunk, but I will have a couple of drinks at times and let loose. She got silent.

 

Part of me wants to see her again, to see if she opens up more..I dunno.

[Babolat]

I dont know why as a E that I am addicted to I's. Always been that way...

 

What I hear from E woman who I have dated, is stability, security, grounded, taming almost.

[Babolat]

That's a black point in our relationship, the need he has to drag me out of my shell and show me around to his friends and relatives. His sister is the most extrovert person I know and so is his father, they can't stay at home even when they are sick, so I have to show my social side more than I would wish to. Holidays for me is a nightmare cause we have to visit relatives and I have to smile and do the hated small talk and be charming, and then I go home and I like don't talk for at least 6 hours. I know he feels bad that he makes me do this, but he cares about what other people think (and I really really don't) so I have to make some sacrifices once in a while. I hate it. I mean, hate it.

 

Interesting. My ex gf shared stories with me about when she was so sick she could barely walk, yet she had to get out, get to a bar, be with people. She use to live in Alaska and shared a story about walking 5+ miles in a blizzard, sick, she ended up passing out, all just to meet friends out at a bar.

 

You use the word "hate". Not good in my opinion. I'm reading between the lines based on how how I feel when I am with an extreme Extrovert. I too hate always having to make that decision "to go out" or be the bad guy and say "No".

[Babolat]

LS member Chocolat shared this book with me:

 

"Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking"

 

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking: Susan Cain: 9780307352156: Amazon.com: Books

 

I can't put it down. I love this book and it makes sooo much sense why I am the way I am, why "our world" is the way it is.

 

Ruby, I think this book will help you with your career. Honestly, just listen & "talk". It's something I have forced myself to do in my carrer, more as a way to improve myself; talk yet continue to shine at being a great listener. The book opened my eyes to something I was doing to improve myself and my career, without really knowing why, and why I have been successful at "talking".

 

All other Introverts...a must read in my opinion.

 

The comments about how Extroverts are on this post is helping me a lot. It's helping me understand "why my ex gf was they way she was". It's also helping me look around me and figure out why I feel the way I do sometimes.

 

I too am socially "awkward". But, not all the time. Sometimes I can have the entire circle/table laughing and I am the center of attention. Other times I find myself struggling to talk, almost anxious that I am not. I feel like everyone is judging me for not being more social. Sometimes I look forward to going out, other times I feel anxious and could just as easily stay in. Sometimes I am feeling totally comfortable in a social setting and then out of the blue I feel anxious.

 

I use to tell my ex gf her dating her was like "waiting for what's around the corner". When was she going to get communicatiuon (text, emal, phone call, etc) from a friend wanting to go out. When out, how long what I "have" to stay out? Who would we bump into, a friend of hers, that keeps us out longer, like they say "Let's go here and here and here". I rememebr a couple of months ago we went out for dinner with another couple, friends of mine. They were going home after dinner, which is what I wanted to do. She wanted to go to a bar. So I agreed. While walking we bumped into an old friend of hers. Some small talk and then he said "Maybe I can party with you guys tonight!" I had instant anxiety, like "No!". Her and I went to the bar, had a drink, then went back to my house. I could tell she wanted to hit more bars though. Later, she said she compromised ny agreeing to go home after one drink. This happened again a few weeks later. I closed out our tab while she was doing karoke. She came running in ordering another drink. I told her I was ready to go, she said "Okay" though I could she wanted more. Even then, once in the car, she was suggesting other bars to go to, instant anxiety.

 

Me wanting to say "No" but doing it anyway. During the periods of time we were apart and not dating, I went out, a lot, and had fun. I realize why now, because I contolled it. I decided when to go out, how long to stay out, how much to drink, if I wanted to stay out longer, or not. I did no thave to say "No" and feel guilty about it. I di dnot feel anxious wonmdering "when, what's next?" I tried to explain this to her during this last attempt for us to date, and she could not get it. She would say "you tell me about going out with your friends yet you don't want to go out with me..I don't get it".

Edited April 3, 2014 by Babolat

[Chocolat]

"

I too am socially "awkward". But, not all the time. Sometimes I can have the entire circle/table laughing and I am the center of attention. Other times I find myself struggling to talk, almost anxious that I am not. I feel like everyone is judging me for not being more social. Sometimes I look forward to going out, other times I feel anxious and could just as easily stay in. Sometimes I am feeling totally comfortable in a social setting and then out of the blue I feel anxious.

 

I could have written this. When I am "on," I can charm the room. But when I'm "off," I can't find the "on" switch.

 

I use to tell my ex gf her dating her was like "waiting for what's around the corner". When was she going to get communicatiuon (text, emal, phone call, etc) from a friend wanting to go out. When out, how long what I "have" to stay out? Who would we bump into, a friend of hers, that keeps us out longer, like they say "Let's go here and here and here". Me wanting to say "No" but doing it anyway. During the periods of time we were apart and not dating, I went out, a lot, and had fun. I realize why now, because I contolled it. I decided when to go out, how long to stay out, how much to drink, if I wanted to stay out longer, or not. I did no thave to say "No" and feel guilty about it.

 

Could have written this, too.

[Babolat]

For those that state personality type does not matter in a relationship (any kind of relationship really), but it's fun to think about, I do disagree.

 

I was talking to one of my friends about this, and she said "As long as their is chemistry, that's all that matters to me".

 

Agreed, but, for a LTR, there has to be more and knowing each other's personality type, I think can help a relationship. Knowing "your" personality type can help you pick the right partner. Knowing why someone is the way they are, knowing how to give them what they need and still be happy with yourself, all matters. Igonoring personality differences, IMHO, is a mistake.

[GoreSP]

It's not a personal experience but my parents are Introvert (mom) /Extrovert (dad) and they are still together - going on 40 years of marriage so I'm guessing their trick is as good as the next...

 

Essentially, my mom never forced my dad to stay at home when he wanted to do stuff with friends/volunteer and my dad never dragged my mother along to whichever activity he wanted to go.

 

They both say they would have broken up a long time ago if they didn't have this understanding.

 

Of course, this was not taken to the extreme where my dad would be out of the house every single day and my mom at home 100% of the time. They did do some activities together.

 

My dad was just more outgoing.

[Iguanna]

The thing about being an introvert is that people (and especially older people) don't get it. I mean, I can be around people and smile and laugh and have fun, but then I need my alone time. All this though exhausts me to no end. So when we turn down people's invitations or when my bf meets them by himself, they think that I don't like them that's why I avoid them. If there was a way I could show my dissatisfaction while being with them, then it would be easier for them to swallow that I have nothing personal against them, I just like to be alone and I hate small talk and meeting new people. They just think I'm shy and I don't like them. That's unfair cause in my opinion introverts have to make bigger sacrifices. My sacrificed is meeting and talking to people while I'm suffering by it, but when an extrovert has to stay at home, they have other ways to communicate with people, like the phone or the internet. It's a black or white situation for me and a grey situation for them. Not fair.

[Babolat]

The thing about being an introvert is that people (and especially older people) don't get it. I mean, I can be around people and smile and laugh and have fun, but then I need my alone time. All this though exhausts me to no end. So when we turn down people's invitations or when my bf meets them by himself, they think that I don't like them that's why I avoid them. If there was a way I could show my dissatisfaction while being with them, then it would be easier for them to swallow that I have nothing personal against them, I just like to be alone and I hate small talk and meeting new people. They just think I'm shy and I don't like them. That's unfair cause in my opinion introverts have to make bigger sacrifices. My sacrificed is meeting and talking to people while I'm suffering by it, but when an extrovert has to stay at home, they have other ways to communicate with people, like the phone or the internet. It's a black or white situation for me and a grey situation for them. Not fair.

 

I never thought of it this way, good point. One of my friends friends always comes out without his wife, which I thought was strange (as in "how do they make it work"). She stays home, watches TV, goes to bed at 9PM, on a weekend night. She has come out with us maybe 2 out of 20+ times.

 

She is very social, especially when we all mountain bike together. They hosted a party at their house recently and she was Mrs Social at the party, a great host.

[Iguanna]

I never thought of it this way, good point. One of my friends friends always comes out without his wife, which I thought was strange (as in "how do they make it work"). She stays home, watches TV, goes to bed at 9PM, on a weekend night. She has come out with us maybe 2 out of 20+ times.

 

She is very social, especially when we all mountain bike together. They hosted a party at their house recently and she was Mrs Social at the party, a great host.

 

The few (fortunately) times that I was obliged to go out with friends or visit relatives or even host a new years eve party once I was "social" (I mean, in relation to my usual self). I was smiling, even making jokes, laughing to other people's jokes, I always do that, I try to be smiling and charming cause I consider it a sacrifice I must (I know must is a strong word, but this is how I feel about it) make for my bf. This doesn't mean that I want to be with these people at that moment and that I would not kill to be home alone watching series and eating ice cream.

[xxoo]

The thing about being an introvert is that people (and especially older people) don't get it. I mean, I can be around people and smile and laugh and have fun, but then I need my alone time. All this though exhausts me to no end. So when we turn down people's invitations or when my bf meets them by himself, they think that I don't like them that's why I avoid them. If there was a way I could show my dissatisfaction while being with them, then it would be easier for them to swallow that I have nothing personal against them, I just like to be alone and I hate small talk and meeting new people. They just think I'm shy and I don't like them. That's unfair cause in my opinion introverts have to make bigger sacrifices. My sacrificed is meeting and talking to people while I'm suffering by it, but when an extrovert has to stay at home, they have other ways to communicate with people, like the phone or the internet. It's a black or white situation for me and a grey situation for them. Not fair.

 

That's interesting. H's entire family seems to be extroverted, and there are issues with members not liking me. The funny thing is, introvert that I am, it took me years to realize they don't like me It's a complicated story, including living many states apart, but your post makes me realize that they may have assumed, long ago, that I don't like them because I'm not bursting to spend time together like they all are. Of course, that was never true. Ah, well. H likes me

[Babolat]

That's interesting. H's entire family seems to be extroverted, and there are issues with members not liking me. The funny thing is, introvert that I am, it took me years to realize they don't like me It's a complicated story, including living many states apart, but your post makes me realize that they may have assumed, long ago, that I don't like them because I'm not bursting to spend time together like they all are. Of course, that was never true. Ah, well. H likes me

 

More interesting stuff, and I often wondered this too in my marriage. My ex wifes dad and wife were Mr and Mrs extrovert. They were Washington, DC socialites, going to all the balls, dances, parties, etc. I would burn out of socializing after about 2 hours; they would go until 12, 1AM, 2AM, 3AM....ugh. I got stuck at more events then I can remember, just wanting to leave.

 

I would sometimes finally just go to bed (if I was at their place or on their boat). I would hear them say "What's wrong with Babolat?". The ex even mentioned it to me one morning after I went to bed early, they wondered what was wrong with me? Was I sick? Was I being rude? Were we fighting? The next morning I would spend hours by myself wandering around outside. That did not go over well either.

 

Hmmm, maybe my ex-wife was an Extrovert, too now that I think about it. She loved being around people and once we went out I was stuck out.

[Ruby Slippers]

"Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking"

I checked this out from the library and only got a few chapters in before I had to return it. I should just buy a copy. What I read so far was good.

[Conners]

My ex boyfriend was an extrovert. Very out there, very loud, very confident and sure of himself especially when he was in high school. I myself am an introvert but he actually made me feel comfortable enough to be a bit of an extrovert at times. I honestly think we balanced each other out a bit.

[Ruby Slippers]

I myself am an introvert but he actually made me feel comfortable enough to be a bit of an extrovert at times.

Yes, I relate to this. I pick up the outgoing energy from an extroverted, life-of-the-party kinda guy when I'm with him, get on that wavelength with him, and in some ways I really enjoy it.

 

I'm trying to learn to enjoy myself more when I'm in the spotlight, even for a few minutes, but it's a skill I'm going to have to develop over time. I used to win speech contests in school, and was always the lead in the plays and musicals. I did a good job of powering my way through those performances - but at times I was just doing a very good job of masking my nervousness and near overwhelm at managing all the sensory input and energy coming at me at once.

 

I see this as one of the next big life skills I need and want to develop. It's kind of scary but kind of exciting

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am an introvert and I am attracted to other introverts. However, problem of my life has been that extroverts are drawn to me. Usually extreme extroverts too.

 

At the beginning stages of a relationship, they want constant contact and chit chat and it wears me out. Later on, they have a lots of social plans that they want me to go along to. Again, it wears me out.

 

I also can't connect to extroverts on a deeper level. I find that their emotions are too superficial, they don't really have a rich inner world or the capacity to really understand me.

 

It's funny that you mention people being quiet...I actually don't mind if there is some silence. I prefer relaxed and peaceful time and don't feel the need to fill every moment with conversation. For me, conversation is better if it's meaningful and I don't like a lot of pointless small talk.

 

Introverted guys seem to be dazzled by extroverted party girls though. They don't seem to care that their charm is superficial and that their warmth and effusiveness doesn't run deep.

[pyramid]

I'm an introvert and also used to be really shy. I (mostly) got over the shyness once I hit my 30s. My ex husband was an extreme introvert with social anxiety. It was a terrible combination! We were hermits and I wasn't happy, because even with my introversion I still needed social interaction outside of work, but I felt rejected whenever he refused to visit my family/friends or agree to have people over.

 

My current bf is an extrovert, but not an extreme one. It is a good combination for us. He gets me out and doing more adventurous things, I enjoy helping him host parties at his house (fun, but not in my space, and no pressure), and he absolutely understands my need for alone time - and it allows him plenty of time to have guys night/hobbies/etc.

 

I've dated other extroverts who didn't have a full life, and expected me to provide their entertainment. It was overwhelming and caused me to want to crawl into my shell! My previous bf, interestingly, was an introvert with a busy life, so his need for alone time outside previous commitments left minimal time for our relationship.

[thecrucible]

I also can't connect to extroverts on a deeper level. I find that their emotions are too superficial, they don't really have a rich inner world or the capacity to really understand me.

 

I'm an introvert too and I know exactly what you mean. I find myself quite attracted to extroverts on a superficial level, but can never properly connect with them romantically. Sometimes I fall into the trap of being attracted to the kind of a guy who's a big joker/life and soul of the party, but in my experience they've turned out to be quite immature, like big kids. Luckily have realised my pattern now!

 

Now I find myself beginning to be less turned on by the extroverts and more drawn to the more contemplative type of guy. I do think it's a bit of a balance though. I like quiet, but confident.

[Shepp]

I'm an ENFP: the only Extrovert who really needs alone time, so I'm told.

 

Funny this is totally true of my girlfriend! Put her in a group of people and she'll be the biggest extrovert in the room, life of the party - always! But she absolutely needs her alone time, even when we were kids she'd go from the loudest girl in school to just completely dropping off the radar for a few days overnight! She'd be the last one to lesson and the first one out the door.

She doesn't need it to that extent anymore, but she still wants her time to herself just to chill out and read a books or something

...thou I guess the extrovert in her has no problem being blunt and telling me out right to take the kids for a walk and not to bother her for awhile!

 

 

As an extrovert myself though I can't say I've ever dated an introvert! Which is probably for the best cause I think I'd be too much for them and cause I'm happiest when I've got someone to bounce off!

[Babolat]

I am an introvert and I am attracted to other introverts. However, problem of my life has been that extroverts are drawn to me. Usually extreme extroverts too.

 

At the beginning stages of a relationship, they want constant contact and chit chat and it wears me out. Later on, they have a lots of social plans that they want me to go along to. Again, it wears me out.

 

I also can't connect to extroverts on a deeper level. I find that their emotions are too superficial, they don't really have a rich inner world or the capacity to really understand me.

 

It's funny that you mention people being quiet...I actually don't mind if there is some silence. I prefer relaxed and peaceful time and don't feel the need to fill every moment with conversation. For me, conversation is better if it's meaningful and I don't like a lot of pointless small talk.

 

Introverted guys seem to be dazzled by extroverted party girls though. They don't seem to care that their charm is superficial and that their warmth and effusiveness doesn't run deep.

 

This is, my story to a T. Extroverts are drawn to me, too. How did we break this!? My ex gf was a party girl type, and I was drawn to that but after "so much" it wore me down, and got old. She was not superficial though, her charm was sincere and so was her warmth and effusiveness. We also had deep conversations, though she use to tell me after an hour she would have to stop.

 

The girl I met from OLD earlier this week, seemed too quiet. She is an ISTJ/ISFJ too, like me. I did all the talking when we met. She talked, a little.. I contacted her to say it was nice meeting you though we are not a match. It was tough to do and I'm wondering if she is good for me..there was just no "wow". I wonder, if that "wow" for me, is the extrovert in a woman and I need to get past that somehow. The other woman I met from OLD 2 weeks ago is an extrovert, talk, talk, talk. I have only had 2 dates with her so I don't know her well yet. I want to spend some more time with her to find out. She's texting me every day, as a fellow LSer put it "updates about her movements creates a false closeness". I send quick and simple replies like "Nice". or "Amazing".

 

So now when I feel that "wow", chemistry we call it, it seems to always be with an Extrovert. Ugh.

Edited April 4, 2014 by Babolat

[Babolat]

Yes, I relate to this. I pick up the outgoing energy from an extroverted, life-of-the-party kinda guy when I'm with him, get on that wavelength with him, and in some ways I really enjoy it.

 

I'm trying to learn to enjoy myself more when I'm in the spotlight, even for a few minutes, but it's a skill I'm going to have to develop over time. I used to win speech contests in school, and was always the lead in the plays and musicals. I did a good job of powering my way through those performances - but at times I was just doing a very good job of masking my nervousness and near overwhelm at managing all the sensory input and energy coming at me at once.

 

I see this as one of the next big life skills I need and want to develop. It's kind of scary but kind of exciting

Same here. I do not like to be in the spotlight. Ironically, the past 10 years of my career has been in Management, where I am just that. Everybody always comments on how well I present, speak, talk, etc. Under the covers I am anxious!

 

Same with an extroverts "wavelength". Sometimes I find myself (looking back, after the fact) having a blast in a group and being the life of the party and think "How did that happen?". Then, other times I find myself thinking "what can I say to feel included/social" to the point where I feel anxious.

 

I am trying to pay close attention to when I do and on't feel this, who I am with, maybe it's "their" energy, etc. Of course, after a couple of drinks I am defintley on my game more! I am working on not "leaning" on that, though.