Introvert dating an Extrovert: your experiences

[Do_The_Herp]

I'm guessing that introverted guys have it harder, hmm? Their own nature goes against societal rules. Even extroverted girls seem subtle when showing interest, as interest has been perceived by female friends in other women who I failed to read.

 

I'm not ready to take shots in the dark. I don't think I'd want to be with an extrovert anyway.

[twinkly84]

I think it's a matter of opinion....

likes attract likes

opposites attract opposites

 

It's who is interested in who...

[Babolat]

I think it's a matter of opinion....

likes attract likes

opposites attract opposites

 

It's who is interested in who...

 

I don't disagree.

 

I do think it's helpful to understand why you are attracted to who you are, personality type wise. And, if you decide to enter a LTR with the person, understanding the personality differences, understand your "personality type" needs, their "personality type" needs, how to meet both, compromise where you can't, etc. I think to ignore this or just say "opposities attract" in a relationship, is a mistake.

 

Knowing my partner is more of a Feeling type when I am not, to me, is important to know. In my last relationship I figured this out and worked hard at being more affectionate with her, and guess what? It worked. And it started to happen more naturally with me after a while. I also realized she needed to talk a lot, and I just needed to, listen, not solve her problems for her.

 

Just my 2 cents!

Edited April 4, 2014 by Babolat

[RedRobin]

I'm an Extrovert... but not a strong one. I do crave being around people, and my job requires that I interact with lots of people regularly. Working in teams is my favorite. Working in a solitary mode makes me depressed.

 

 

Even when I'm working in a solitary mode, I find I need to be in an area that has a certain 'buzz'... with people milling about. Although, I don't have a TV. I hate random noise... I like people.

 

I've had relationships with both introverts and extroverts. As long as they aren't VERY strong on either, I can't say I have a preference. I've been able to find a balance, usually.

 

A very strong introvert would annoy me because I wouldn't have company to do some of my favorite social activities... also, they have viewed my desire for togetherness as a bit overpowering.

 

A very strong extrovert has annoyed me because I observe that they have few close friendships. They seem to flit from person to person. The constant rotation of people and activities isn't satisfying to me.

 

 

Although, if you looked at MY rotation of people and activities... hmm... well... Lots of people tell me I'm interesting but a bit intense. lol.

 

 

If I had to choose my favorite?? A medium to mild introvert who doesn't mind going to parties and social events with me occasionally.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Myers Briggs is ENTP

[Babolat]

I'm an Extrovert... but not a strong one. I do crave being around people, and my job requires that I interact with lots of people regularly. Working in teams is my favorite. Working in a solitary mode makes me depressed.

 

Even when I'm working in a solitary mode, I find I need to be in an area that has a certain 'buzz'... with people milling about. Although, I don't have a TV. I hate random noise... I like people.

 

The "Quiet" book I referenced earlier in this thread says exactly this about Extroverts and Introverts. The book talks a lot about work environments, how Introverts excel when they have privacy & quiet. Unfortunately our business world is all about open floor plans now, meetings after meeting after meetings, etc. When all the research suggests Introverts need privacy and quiet. I am paying close attention to this with my team now, as they are mostly all Introverts.

 

but a bit intense. lol.

 

Really? That, came as a, surprise!

 

If I had to choose my favorite?? A medium to mild introvert who doesn't mind going to parties and social events with me occasionally.

 

This is what I would choose too. And that's the kind of Introvert I see myself as.

 

My Myers Briggs is ENTP

 

Really? That, came as a, surprise!

[Poppygoodwill]

I've dated extroverts and it was great at first, but over time I felt outmatched and exhausted by them, and a little threatened by their whirlwind of relationships. Also I tend to have few strong friendships that are really genuine but my experience extroverts often have a number of people in their lives that aren't that close, but just because they need and want a lot of people around. I found, over time, I questioned their friendships adn the validity of them.

 

I'm married now to someone like me, which is introverted but can be extroverted when the occassion calls for it. It's perfect because we both default to the same setting.

[Babolat]

I've dated extroverts and it was great at first, but over time I felt outmatched and exhausted by them, and a little threatened by their whirlwind of relationships. Also I tend to have few strong friendships that are really genuine but my experience extroverts often have a number of people in their lives that aren't that close, but just because they need and want a lot of people around. I found, over time, I questioned their friendships adn the validity of them.

 

I'm married now to someone like me, which is introverted but can be extroverted when the occassion calls for it. It's perfect because we both default to the same setting.

 

Good point. My ex gf literally had 30+ friends she did things with on a regualr basis. And probably 30+ more she kept in contact with. I could not keep track of all the names and who is who. One day I asked her who her best friend was, and she could not answer. I asked who she shares her most intimate stuff with, when she needs an opinion, to talk, she could not answer. I named one girl who I thought she was super close to and she quickly said "No".

 

Like you I can count on one hand the number of genuine real friends I have; and I like it that way.

[thecrucible]

Like you I can count on one hand the number of genuine real friends I have; and I like it that way.

 

Me too. I actually feel pretty overwhelmed with too much social interaction, and I go into a cave for a few days to recharge. I couldn't keep up with 30 friends. It would drive me mad!

 

I'm an INFJ and I'm quite sensitive. If I'm around a large group of people and the conversation is really superficial/small talk, I get really sad and upset because I want to have one-on-one conversation. I can spend hours around someone if the conversation is meaningful...but non-meaningful interaction for a long period of time makes me feel lonely.

[Targetlock]

As an Introvert, i find Extrovert's a very attractive prospect and just what i need in my life.

[Carenth]

Introverted guys seem to be dazzled by extroverted party girls though. They don't seem to care that their charm is superficial and that their warmth and effusiveness doesn't run deep.

 

I wish. All I seem to attract is the extreme extroverts as well. They see me as mysterious or something. When I'm just reserved and don't say every single thing that comes to my mind without thinking about it first.

 

My last few relationships have been with pretty out there extroverts and yes I found that after I got to know them they were pretty shallow people in terms of emotional depth and self introspection. I loved them anyway, they had other good qualities. They would also freak out at my idea of a good time might be sitting at home reading a book in there presence while they stuff around on their laptop or something. Talking and cuddling each once and a while. Silence was like a death sentence for them. Though my ex actually grew to like it...

 

I find it quite hard to meet and attract other introverts.

[Hopeful30]

What a good question!

 

I'm an extrovert. In my experiences, dating other extroverts resulted in stronger, more interesting relationships. Dating introverts has always resulted (again, for me) in boredom (cuz they barely talk or express themselves and I always have to do the talking and asking to get to know them) or problems (like my last man - I always had to keep guessing about wtf was going on cuz he never expressed himself). This was always a problem because I never knew how he felt or what he thought - there was barely any communication because he kept everything in side. Those were always my worst relationship and, as bad as this may sound, they just ended up being my "b*tches".

 

Also, it's a bit embarrassing for me (a social butterfly) to introduce an introvert to my friends. He just says hi shyly and that's it. It's so attractive when a man can say hi, ask questions, joke around. It really makes a good impression. Every introvert I always dated, although good guys, have always given the wrong impression cuz they just stand there and don't participate in anything, and it's kind of embarrassing when I introduce them to people and they just look like boring, uninterested losers.

 

Being a social, outgoing person, dating introverts has always ended up in breakup. My best relationship was with an extrovert.

Edited April 5, 2014 by Hopeful30

[3ifbyair]

I've only dated two introverts. The first one I broke up with after I got tired of spending Sat. Night on her couch, with her cats, watching chick flicks. She had a close circle of friends, and didn't like bars, not even casual sports bars.

 

Second one liked to go out more, and we got along much better. But every other relationship I've had has been with an extravert. I like staying out late, and the extraverted women have generally been a lot more fun.

[Valen]

I have seen extrovert men with introvert women as couples. But I don't remember ever seeing extrovert women with introvert men. Are there any out there?

[confidencestands]

Extroverts don't get my need to be alone. They think I'm being mean or disinterested. Not the case at all. I need to re-charge.

 

Also, they don't get how small talk irritates me making it difficult for me to go to insignificant social functions.

[Carenth]

I have seen extrovert men with introvert women as couples. But I don't remember ever seeing extrovert women with introvert men. Are there any out there?

 

Yes I'm a introvert guy and I've pretty much dated only extrovert women. It hasn't been easy to be honest but they are the people I attract. Generally it had happened on one of the rare times my friends have convinced me to go to a party. Also I had my social hat on which is to say I was willing to put up with mindless small talk.

 

Often it would be when I was extremely bored and wanted to talk to someone other than my friends. I would approach someone who I thought looked interesting and start talking to them. I don't particularly care about social norms and this has made it seem pretty bold. One of my exes I met at a friends party where he had booked part of bar off for his function.

 

Approached her she had two friends. Left with them all an hour later because I asked them if they wanted to get some food near by. (Truth was I wanted to get out of there, too noisy and lots of people). I wasn't thinking about it at the time but my friends and especially aquantances mouths dropped to the floor when they saw me leaving with 3 girls no one knew. I was the topic of conversation for most of the night... Considering I'm usually very reserved and keep to myself and close friends.

 

I have my moments where I'm a social butterfly I have no idea how to control it and it's extremely exhausting.

Edited April 6, 2014 by Carenth

[Babolat]

Yes I'm a introvert guy and I've pretty much dated only extrovert women. It hasn't been easy to be honest but they are the people I attract. Generally it had happened on one of the rare times my friends have convinced me to go to a party. Also I had my social hat on which is to say I was willing to put up with mindless small talk.

 

Often it would be when I was extremely bored and wanted to talk to someone other than my friends. I would approach someone who I thought looked interesting and start talking to them. I don't particularly care about social norms and this has made it seem pretty bold. One of my exes I met at a friends party where he had booked part of bar off for his function.

 

Approached her she had two friends. Left with them all an hour later because I asked them if they wanted to get some food near by. (Truth was I wanted to get out of there, too noisy and lots of people). I wasn't thinking about it at the time but my friends and especially aquantances mouths dropped to the floor when they saw me leaving with 3 girls no one knew. I was the topic of conversation for most of the night... Considering I'm usually very reserved and keep to myself and close friends.

 

I have my moments where I'm a social butterfly I have no idea how to control it and it's extremely exhausting.

 

Introvert man here and I like to be around etroverts, just not extreme extroverts. And, I don't think I am an extreme introvert, so I think the "middle" of the two can work, and work well.

 

I had a 3rd and 4th date this weekend with a woman who is an extrovert. Initially I thought "extreme" extrovert but having spent more time with her this weekend I like "her level of extrovertness" so far. It's not over the top or exhausting. I'm keeping an eye on it, paying attention to how I feel, and wills ee how it goes. She knows I'm an introvert. I noticed thsi weekend she was talking less and listening more, which was very nice.

[VeronicaRoss]

It really depends on the two people and what they need and want from each other.

 

I had a boyfriend who had a large circle of friends. I had a three female friends I loved to spend time with. I've never been one to chatter on the phone either. For him my lack of a large circle to hang out with as a group was character defect. One of the reasons I broke up with him was his need to paint me as broken in that way, it was just silly. I had good friends!

 

After decades of not talking we find each other on FB and one of the first things he said was "Hey you have a lot of friends now!" He was very pleased with this too. Seriously? FB friends count? The reality I have pretty much the same number of actual friends.

 

My family moved around a lot and I was raised to get along quickly with people and also realize they come and go randomly. I am gregarious. You can throw me in any room and I'll happily meet and talk with people but I can't wait to be home again. Groups of people feel exactly like work to me.

[maiden of rohan]

I'm an introvert, an INTJ, to be exact, and I've struggled with dating E's. My longest R was with an E, and boy, was it draining. While he was very up and at 'em, I was more laid-back, and happy to be a homebody. For some, those qualities can be quite balancing, but for me, it simply wasn't because he didn't respect my need for alone time.

 

He used to say that he never understood how I was the way I was. I'm the sort of person who would be happy to live alone, and do things on my own. Being alone doesn't faze me one bit. He said it was sad, and that I was cutting myself off from the world. Really, it was just our different ways of processing and handling the world.

 

What we lacked was the necessary understanding, and ability to balance each other out. I'm more of an extreme introvert now than I was then, (but I was faking social a lot of the time) but it did get annoying when I'd request alone time, and then he'd bombard me with texts/emails/calls because he was bored. I remember thinking it was odd how one night alone could make someone so bored, and how sad that must have been. :lmao:

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't like that people are calling extroverts shallow and introverts losers. It takes all kinds to make the world go 'round. We all have our place.

 

But I understand the feelings. It's funny how fearful we can be about what is different from us. thecrucible, I really relate to your comment about feeling sad and lonely during a long stretch of meaningless conversation. I sometimes feel this way at parties with a lot of superficial conversation. I can hang with it for a while, but after too long, this feeling of existential gloom starts to come over me, like, "Is this really all people care about? Doesn't anybody want to talk about something important? Nobody understands me."

[xxoo]

I don't like that people are calling extroverts shallow and introverts losers. It takes all kinds to make the world go 'round. We all have our place.

 

I had the same feeling reading those posts.

 

Two viewpoints:

 

I'm married to an extrovert, a man who enjoys so many people but chose me out of all of them to be his best friend and soul mate. I must be amazing.

 

My H is married to an introvert. I don't open up for many. He alone gets admission to the depths of my mind, body, and soul. He must be amazing.

 

Either way, the partner can feel very special and deeply loved.

[Valen]

Yes I'm a introvert guy and I've pretty much dated only extrovert women. It hasn't been easy to be honest but they are the people I attract. Generally it had happened on one of the rare times my friends have convinced me to go to a party. Also I had my social hat on which is to say I was willing to put up with mindless small talk.

 

Often it would be when I was extremely bored and wanted to talk to someone other than my friends. I would approach someone who I thought looked interesting and start talking to them. I don't particularly care about social norms and this has made it seem pretty bold. One of my exes I met at a friends party where he had booked part of bar off for his function.

 

Approached her she had two friends. Left with them all an hour later because I asked them if they wanted to get some food near by. (Truth was I wanted to get out of there, too noisy and lots of people). I wasn't thinking about it at the time but my friends and especially aquantances mouths dropped to the floor when they saw me leaving with 3 girls no one knew. I was the topic of conversation for most of the night... Considering I'm usually very reserved and keep to myself and close friends.

 

I have my moments where I'm a social butterfly I have no idea how to control it and it's extremely exhausting.

 

I guess I meant have an extrovert girl ever marries an introvert guy. Yea I see them date but it doesn't last very long.

[Babolat]

I don't like that people are calling extroverts shallow and introverts losers. It takes all kinds to make the world go 'round. We all have our place.

 

But I understand the feelings. It's funny how fearful we can be about what is different from us. thecrucible, I really relate to your comment about feeling sad and lonely during a long stretch of meaningless conversation. I sometimes feel this way at parties with a lot of superficial conversation. I can hang with it for a while, but after too long, this feeling of existential gloom starts to come over me, like, "Is this really all people care about? Doesn't anybody want to talk about something important? Nobody understands me."

 

Well said, and agreed. Reading the "Quiet" book has given me a strange new confidence in my Introvertness, like "it's cool to be the way I am" and now I get it.

 

I was in a social setting Friday night (art festival then dinner), with a married couple of mine and another friend of mine, call Her Sue. Sue did not talk at all while my friends wife and I taked and talked and talked. I caught myself trying to include Sue but she just stayed quiet, she would smile and not talk. Later that night, once home, alone I was thinking "What the heck, who was I, where did that come from?" Sue even commented "No way you are an introvert" and that she felt embarassed for not talking. Sue is an ISTJ too, just like me. We tried dating in the past for a coupel of weeks, it never really "took off', though and we agreed we are better friends. After Friday night I am even wondering how the friendship can work because she truly just doesn't talk, even when with me one on one. It's all superfiscial stuff, no depth at all, and I get bored. When I ask question she'll say "why all the questions?". These are simple questions like "How did you meet your friend Mary?" or "What did you and your friend do this weekend?" kind of stuff. I ask so I can learn more about her.

 

The Extrovert woman I have been on 5 dates with, I initially thought all she could do was chit chat. What I have figured out though, is that is her career, networking, introducing people, and she's good at it (she called it something, I can't remember what, like "social chat". Alone with me we had lots of deep conversations this weekend, and I really liked it. I watched her "switch back" to chit chat mode though as we bumped into people she knew while we were out

Edited April 7, 2014 by Babolat

[Babolat]

I guess I meant have an extrovert girl ever marries an introvert guy. Yea I see them date but it doesn't last very long.

What I am learning is the Introvert man has to be confident, can't be insecure or have jealousy issues. The Extrovert woman will get lots of attention, because of her energy, and the man needs to be able to handle/manage that kind of attention.

 

I, in a way, like it and I like to see it. I find it attractive to see how others respond to her. Underatand it's just who she is. Pay attention though that there is not more too it, where she may need the attention.

[Iguanna]

a strange new confidence in my Introvertness, like "it's cool to be the way I am" and now I get it.

 

I adore myself and I feel great with my introvertness. The problem begins when my SO's relatives or friends expect me to be charming, talkative and fun all the time or else they start wondering what is wrong with me and why I don't like them. People are not educated about introversy. The normal thing is to be social. If you want to be alone and prefer to stay at home rather than meet with people then there's something wrong with you. I remember when I was younger my grandmother used to call me every Monday and ask me "did you go out this weekend?". If I said no (which was the usual) she would get all sad and disappointed. For older people especially having fun means only being outside of home.

[Babolat]

Something I thought a lot about with my ex gf. She was Extrovert, charming, social, beautiful tall blued eye buxom blonde. One I would say "could have any man she wanted". Yet, at 44 she was "still single". I even questioned (never to her) "why were you on an online dating site".

 

My best guess, from this thread and my current readings, is she did, and does get a lot of attention. It's the wrong attention though. It's the Extrovert men who approach her, ask her out, flirt with her, etc.

 

The current woman I have been on a few dates, similar "looks" to my ex gf, tall, thin, buxom, blonde, carries herself well, confident, men turn their heads when we walk by kind of woman. I do notice something a little different with her though. She is nice & kind in her replies to a man or friend she may know that we bump into. But, it's a a real quick, brief acknowledgment kind of response, then her attention is back to me. My ex gf was not like that. It never bothered me, but she would kind of leave me there while she got engaged in a conversation. Sometimes I felt comfortable enough to engage too, sometimes not. She was not in tune with that in me though. She would even tell me when going to a social event "I will probably wander off and be all over the place talking to my friends, you need to be okay with that". I found this, odd. This current woman, though way to soon to really tell, is not this way.

 

For the attractive female extroverts out there, I imagine this is a struggle for you. Attracting the right man. And, perhaps you need to do what the woman I am currently getting to know, did, she chose the man this time.

 

Just, a thought.