what works for you?

[Waverly]

I've gotten so much good advice on here. Some I've followed, some I haven't, and some I hope to when I pull myself together a little bit more. But I've always appreciated the different perspectives and have found it SO helpful to hear different strategies that people are using -- we're all different and in our own messy situations, but I think there are a lot of commonalities to our situations and to our goals of pulling through to the other side.

 

So, for those of you trying to keep NC, what's the best NC/recovery advice you've gotten? Or what are some tips or strategies you use for yourself?

 

(I'll start: In addition to checking LS instead of contacting him, I try to set reasonable goals for myself. I know I can't banish the thoughts from my head. But I can take a few deep breaths, feel sad for a minute, acknowledge it, and then physically get up and find something else to do. I work from home and have a job tied to my computer; finding a reason to get up and change activities is enough to stop me from reaching out.)

[QuakerOats]

I've gotten so much good advice on here. Some I've followed, some I haven't, and some I hope to when I pull myself together a little bit more. But I've always appreciated the different perspectives and have found it SO helpful to hear different strategies that people are using -- we're all different and in our own messy situations, but I think there are a lot of commonalities to our situations and to our goals of pulling through to the other side.

 

So, for those of you trying to keep NC, what's the best NC/recovery advice you've gotten? Or what are some tips or strategies you use for yourself?

 

(I'll start: In addition to checking LS instead of contacting him, I try to set reasonable goals for myself. I know I can't banish the thoughts from my head. But I can take a few deep breaths, feel sad for a minute, acknowledge it, and then physically get up and find something else to do. I work from home and have a job tied to my computer; finding a reason to get up and change activities is enough to stop me from reaching out.)

 

 

I'm new to real NC, but forcing myself to think realistically about the MM has helped. Instead of seeing the romantic view of him, I've been looking at the harsh realities of the situation and of his behavior (see my hard heart thread). I've been trying to stay busy...making lists of stuff I want to accomplish. I'm making some plans so I can be more forward thinking.

 

It is tough though. Really. I'll be doing great for several hours and then something will trigger a memory or feeling and I'll be in tears or start to debate if I should send him "the one last" email.

 

What has worked for you?

[Waverly]

I'm new to real NC, but forcing myself to think realistically about the MM has helped. Instead of seeing the romantic view of him, I've been looking at the harsh realities of the situation and of his behavior (see my hard heart thread). I've been trying to stay busy...making lists of stuff I want to accomplish. I'm making some plans so I can be more forward thinking.

 

It is tough though. Really. I'll be doing great for several hours and then something will trigger a memory or feeling and I'll be in tears or start to debate if I should send him "the one last" email.

 

What has worked for you?

 

It's SO tough. I'm only ten days in. Literally, every hour is a struggle. I'm not as tempted to contact him, but I'm starting to go through the sting of having him not reach out. I know why he's not, but it still hurts, especially when his last message was so painful. This is the longest we've ever gone without talking since the A started.

 

I haven't done it yet, but I really liked the suggestion on another thread of making a list of things to do. I'm planning on doing that, and then every time I get too depressed, or start fixating on everything, instead will pick something from that list to do or work on.

[Popsicle]

Just remembering that I'll NEVER get what I want from him.

 

Looking towards the future with a new guy.

 

Fostering pride and self-confidence in myself.

[Owl6118]

(I'll start: In addition to checking LS instead of contacting him, I try to set reasonable goals for myself. I know I can't banish the thoughts from my head. But I can take a few deep breaths, feel sad for a minute, acknowledge it, and then physically get up and find something else to do. I work from home and have a job tied to my computer; finding a reason to get up and change activities is enough to stop me from reaching out.)

 

Waverly, I'm impressed. You are really working on this. Good for you.

 

I can't advise you on tactics. The only advice I can offer is to try to reach a new plateau mentally. Instead of NC being something you experience as an affliction, a loss, a denial to be suffered through, try as hard as you can to reframe it as a choice you affirmatively embrace to grow to a healthy life.

 

You don't suffer NC, you CHOOSE it. You EMBRACE it, even though the pain. Because each day of CHOOSING it is a day with more integrity in your life.

 

One other caution: in another thread, you wrote:

 

"But this? This is different. It didn't end because we were incompatible, or because we had a fight, or because of anything that went wrong. We were ridiculously in love, and tried our damnedest to move those mountains so we could be together. But turns out that some mountains just don't budge."

 

This is, I suspect, still a lot of fog talking. Just from what you have told us, your alcoholic lover returned to drinking. This is, to be blunt, a huge, disastrous, soul-killing thing that went wrong, and suggests a lot more wrong under the surface.

 

When you think of your lover and are struggling with no contact, be brutally honest. Looks at what really happened, not at how you felt inside the A bubble at the time. Because what actually happened when you two tried to get together is not good at all, certainly not for him.

[Waverly]

Waverly, I'm impressed. You are really working on this. Good for you.

 

I can't advise you on tactics. The only advice I can offer is to try to reach a new plateau mentally. Instead of NC being something you experience as an affliction, a loss, a denial to be suffered through, try as hard as you can to reframe it as a choice you affirmatively embrace to grow to a healthy life.

 

You don't suffer NC, you CHOOSE it. You EMBRACE it, even though the pain. Because each day of CHOOSING it is a day with more integrity in your life.

 

One other caution: in another thread, you wrote:

 

"But this? This is different. It didn't end because we were incompatible, or because we had a fight, or because of anything that went wrong. We were ridiculously in love, and tried our damnedest to move those mountains so we could be together. But turns out that some mountains just don't budge."

 

This is, I suspect, still a lot of fog talking. Just from what you have told us, your alcoholic lover returned to drinking. This is, to be blunt, a huge, disastrous, soul-killing thing that went wrong, and suggests a lot more wrong under the surface.

 

When you think of your lover and are struggling with no contact, be brutally honest. Looks at what really happened, not at how you felt inside the A bubble at the time. Because what actually happened when you two tried to get together is not good at all, certainly not for him.

 

I'm trying. I really am. And maybe - hopefully - one day I'll embrace this. For now, I'm getting through it as best as I can.

 

And for now? I really miss him. I miss the possibility of what could have been. I miss the closeness we had during the affair. But even more than all of that, I miss my friend -- my friend who I knew and who was important to me for ten years. It hurts, and maybe one day I'll feel a little more noble about this, but for now, it just is something I'm enduring.

 

He did return to drinking after the A ended. And he hid it from his family for about two months before they found out. It's not as bad for him as it was back in the day -- but I know what a slippery slope it is, and I don't want to stop him from finding his footing again.

[Mickey1982]

I'm trying. I really am. And maybe - hopefully - one day I'll embrace this. For now, I'm getting through it as best as I can.

 

And for now? I really miss him. I miss the possibility of what could have been. I miss the closeness we had during the affair. But even more than all of that, I miss my friend -- my friend who I knew and who was important to me for ten years. It hurts, and maybe one day I'll feel a little more noble about this, but for now, it just is something I'm enduring.

 

He did return to drinking after the A ended. And he hid it from his family for about two months before they found out. It's not as bad for him as it was back in the day -- but I know what a slippery slope it is, and I don't want to stop him from finding his footing again.

 

 

Waverly, hang in there. I know the struggle because I am right there with you. I am farther along with NC, but my problem lies in letting him go which I can't seem to do. I'm holding onto hope that he'll reach out someday, someway beacuse I still miss and love him. I'm lost--he was my best friend for 3 1/2 years. I can't get past the happy times yet and daydream continually. It's holding me back from moving on so please don't follow in my steps. Let him go and move forward.

[jwi71]

I've gotten so much good advice on here. Some I've followed, some I haven't, and some I hope to when I pull myself together a little bit more. But I've always appreciated the different perspectives and have found it SO helpful to hear different strategies that people are using -- we're all different and in our own messy situations, but I think there are a lot of commonalities to our situations and to our goals of pulling through to the other side.

 

So, for those of you trying to keep NC, what's the best NC/recovery advice you've gotten? Or what are some tips or strategies you use for yourself?

 

(I'll start: In addition to checking LS instead of contacting him, I try to set reasonable goals for myself. I know I can't banish the thoughts from my head. But I can take a few deep breaths, feel sad for a minute, acknowledge it, and then physically get up and find something else to do. I work from home and have a job tied to my computer; finding a reason to get up and change activities is enough to stop me from reaching out.)

 

Never FORGET how he/she treated you.

Is that how one in love treats the one he/she loves?

...and whatever answer one finds to that - run!

[Waverly]

Waverly, hang in there. I know the struggle because I am right there with you. I am farther along with NC, but my problem lies in letting him go which I can't seem to do. I'm holding onto hope that he'll reach out someday, someway beacuse I still miss and love him. I'm lost--he was my best friend for 3 1/2 years. I can't get past the happy times yet and daydream continually. It's holding me back from moving on so please don't follow in my steps. Let him go and move forward.

 

It's so hard, isn't it? You mentioned somewhere that you're trying to get to the angry phase -- I'm not there either. I just don't think I actually have much to be angry about, besides at myself (which isn't that productive).

 

I wish I had some tip for how to let him go. I don't. I'm obviously not doing very well with it either. I understand that we'll never be together, but it's almost worse because it's just circumstances. It makes everything else that much more confusing. I know I can't be with him, but the thought of never hearing from him again makes me so so sad. I can't figure out how to unlove him, you know? I wish I could.

 

I have moments (I'd be lying if I said days or even hours) where I think it will be ok. But then there's the rest of the day. I'm struggling today. Hang in there, Mickey. We'll both get through this.

[solostand]

Its too bad you have never seen him drunk, because if he is an alcoholic, you would be disgusted and horrified. . .also the fact that its not bad now means nothing, its guaranteed to get worse. Do you want to be looking after a practicing alcoholic, cleaning up his vomit, putting out the fires he accidentally started by leaving the stove on, listening to him rant? That is an alcoholic.

 

To your question though, one thing I do to deal with NC is to meditate in the morning and "give it up" to God, make him take it from me. If you don't believe in God you can give it up to the universe. Then when you start suffering again, realize that you already gave this to God and now you are taking it back. Give it up again. This works for me for some reason.

[tornado]

You need to hate the MM to not having thoughts of recontacting him. Think about how he treated you in the end.

 

Then, you need to forget him completely. Finish the story first. If you want to do something against him, do it to feel better.

 

Then, focus on yourself. Put yourself in the center of your life, no more the MM.

[Bittersweetie]

To stick to NC, I mainly did two things.

 

First, whenever I thought of xOM, I thought of the negative stuff. The nasty things he said to me. How he lied. The face of my H on d-day. I made it not pleasant to think about him. After a short time, my brain said NO MORE!

 

Second, whenever I wanted to contact him, or even just look him up online, I'd say to myself, I'll do it tomorrow. "Tomorrow" was easier to handle then "forever." But the tomorrows added up to days, and months, and years.

 

NC can be hard but I feel it is the healthiest option in order to start getting oneself back together. Lots of luck to you!

[BetrayedH]

Whenever you find yourself romanticizing the affair, force yourself to envision a stop sign and to stop entertaining these thoughts. Then spend the next 10 minutes focused on your husband - spend some time on vacation plans, think of something you can pick up for him on the way home, send HIM a flirty text or email. Stop watering the grass in someone else's yard; water your own grass at home.

[QuakerOats]

I don't think she has a husband.

[Bittersweetie]

I don't think she has a husband.

 

She does, there's a thread on the Infidelity board regarding her struggle on whether to tell him.

[Mickey1982]

It's so hard, isn't it? You mentioned somewhere that you're trying to get to the angry phase -- I'm not there either. I just don't think I actually have much to be angry about, besides at myself (which isn't that productive).

 

I wish I had some tip for how to let him go. I don't. I'm obviously not doing very well with it either. I understand that we'll never be together, but it's almost worse because it's just circumstances. It makes everything else that much more confusing. I know I can't be with him, but the thought of never hearing from him again makes me so so sad. I can't figure out how to unlove him, you know? I wish I could.

 

I have moments (I'd be lying if I said days or even hours) where I think it will be ok. But then there's the rest of the day. I'm struggling today. Hang in there, Mickey. We'll both get through this.

 

 

Yes, it is so hard. I've gone thru some really difficult times in my life, but this one ranks as the worst which I feel almost silly for saying. I don't understand all of the reasons why, but I cannot deny that the pain and day to day struggles with still missing him and loving him are always with me.

 

I am trying everything I can to get myself in a 'better place', but to be honest, I am starting to believe that time is my only savior at this point. I have seen three different therapists and I don't believe any have truly gotten to the root of why I got myself into this mess or how I can get out. Yes, they tell me to get mad at him, but I can't. He is still sitting on the pedestal and I've got the rose colored glasses on. He said some mean things to me after his d-day, but his final three words were "I LOVE YOU" and that is all I can remember when I think of him.

 

Like you, it is destroying me when I think of never hearing from him again---I almost make myself physically sick.

 

I know I am doing the absolute WRONG thing by wishing to hear from him after being NC for 9 1/2 weeks so far. I'd set myself back too far, but I can't help but want it to happen.

 

It seems you and I are in the 'same place' emotionally right now and are struggling with very much the identical feelings.

 

I can't tell you enough how much it helps knowing that I am not alone. Please continue to keep me posted on your progress and I'll do the same....hugs, Waverly!

[Waverly]

Whenever you find yourself romanticizing the affair, force yourself to envision a stop sign and to stop entertaining these thoughts. Then spend the next 10 minutes focused on your husband - spend some time on vacation plans, think of something you can pick up for him on the way home, send HIM a flirty text or email. Stop watering the grass in someone else's yard; water your own grass at home.

 

And what do I do when my husband just isn't there? When he comes home late from work every night, barely sees the kids, has his own hobbies that have nothing to do with me? When I've lost all attraction to him - years ago - because we're completely disconnected from each other? When I try to email him or talk to him -- for the last three weeks -- about setting up a weekend away, and he says yeah, sure, and then he never wants to talk about it again? When I feel more like a little sister than a partner? When he just is on his phone all the time? When I feel like I can't talk to him about anything? Then what? A flirty text is the last thing I feel like doing right now.

 

It's all fine and good to say to water my own grass, but what if my own grass is dead? Then what?

[Bittersweetie]

 

It's all fine and good to say to water my own grass, but what if my own grass is dead? Then what?

 

Maybe then water your own personal grass? The grass that is YOU, a special, smart woman. Through hobbies or exercise or watching trashy TV (or all of the above!). I can understand why you're having a difficult time letting go of xOM if your H is this way, so maybe channel your energy toward bettering yourself right now to prepare for whatever the future brings. Sending you hugs.

[Cocochai]

For me... Personally the less I read about issues similar to mines, the more I can get over it emotionally. I also talk to a friend about it but lie and say its a cousin so he won't judge. But he gives insight on the situation which helps.

 

Clothes shopping/playing on my iPad/surrounding myself with people close to me helps.

 

Don't listen to any songs on the radio that reminds you or shows on tv if your X..

[Owl]

And what do I do when my husband just isn't there? When he comes home late from work every night, barely sees the kids, has his own hobbies that have nothing to do with me? When I've lost all attraction to him - years ago - because we're completely disconnected from each other? When I try to email him or talk to him -- for the last three weeks -- about setting up a weekend away, and he says yeah, sure, and then he never wants to talk about it again? When I feel more like a little sister than a partner? When he just is on his phone all the time? When I feel like I can't talk to him about anything? Then what? A flirty text is the last thing I feel like doing right now.

 

It's all fine and good to say to water my own grass, but what if my own grass is dead? Then what?

 

Your husband doesn't understand the depth of the situation.

 

Tell him the truth.

 

See if he 'gets it' then or not.

[littlemermaid]

And what do I do when my husband just isn't there? When he comes home late from work every night, barely sees the kids, has his own hobbies that have nothing to do with me? When I've lost all attraction to him - years ago - because we're completely disconnected from each other? When I try to email him or talk to him -- for the last three weeks -- about setting up a weekend away, and he says yeah, sure, and then he never wants to talk about it again? When I feel more like a little sister than a partner? When he just is on his phone all the time? When I feel like I can't talk to him about anything? Then what? A flirty text is the last thing I feel like doing right now.

 

It's all fine and good to say to water my own grass, but what if my own grass is dead? Then what?

 

Waverly, I understand very well where you are coming from with this, I have spoken some of these exact words to one of my friends recently. The thing is, is this--your grass may be dead, as mine was, because you had checked out and at a loss, your husband withdrew, too. I know that's what mine did. I ignored him 99% of the time, and when I wasn't ignoring him, I was belittling him or berating him for something. Then all of a sudden, I decide that I'm done with xMOM and I want to turn to him and he has NO idea what is going on with me and why I am all of a sudden paying attention to him again. For a while, things continued as you state, I would make overtures and they would get ignored. But little by little, as I kept trying, knowing it wasn't going to all turn around in a day (we didn't become disconnected strangers overnight, so fixing it will be a process, too) he has also begun to "see" me again, see me for the woman he fell in love with and married 10 years ago...see that he doesn't have to sit on his phone all day or disappear because I don't give a crap whether he's with me or not. He sees I DO care, and he has responded to that. Things are by NO MEANS perfect for me...but what I have come to realize in the last month or so is that my H may not be a perfect man, but he loves me no matter what and he would NEVER treat me with such disrespect as my xMOM treated his W, in hooking up with me. My H is a good man and a good father, and he deserves a good wife. and I'm going to try my damndest to be that and fix things between us. So far, it is working. Believe me when I tell you I have had NO sexual attraction for my H for years, and especially not after the xMOM came into the picture--but I am doing it and in spite of myself? It's coming back.

[Babolat]

I've gotten so much good advice on here. Some I've followed, some I haven't, and some I hope to when I pull myself together a little bit more. But I've always appreciated the different perspectives and have found it SO helpful to hear different strategies that people are using -- we're all different and in our own messy situations, but I think there are a lot of commonalities to our situations and to our goals of pulling through to the other side.

 

So, for those of you trying to keep NC, what's the best NC/recovery advice you've gotten? Or what are some tips or strategies you use for yourself?

 

(I'll start: In addition to checking LS instead of contacting him, I try to set reasonable goals for myself. I know I can't banish the thoughts from my head. But I can take a few deep breaths, feel sad for a minute, acknowledge it, and then physically get up and find something else to do. I work from home and have a job tied to my computer; finding a reason to get up and change activities is enough to stop me from reaching out.)

 

Get busy, distract yourself, discover new things, allow yourself to grieve (very important), grow personally, remember what bothered you and insert those thoughts when you remember the good. Allow yourself to remember the good too though.

[BetrayedH]

And what do I do when my husband just isn't there? When he comes home late from work every night, barely sees the kids, has his own hobbies that have nothing to do with me? When I've lost all attraction to him - years ago - because we're completely disconnected from each other? When I try to email him or talk to him -- for the last three weeks -- about setting up a weekend away, and he says yeah, sure, and then he never wants to talk about it again? When I feel more like a little sister than a partner? When he just is on his phone all the time? When I feel like I can't talk to him about anything? Then what? A flirty text is the last thing I feel like doing right now.

 

It's all fine and good to say to water my own grass, but what if my own grass is dead? Then what?

 

Clever retort there at the end. Touche. Personally, I doubt the grass is dead but I'd bet it's dormant and you can thank both of you for leaving it that way. Marriage is a partnership. It's both of you against the world. At least one of you needs to step up and act like you get that and start insisting on it from the other party.

 

Look, I honestly hear you. Your marriage ain't fun and you've both let yourself go in separate directions. As it turns out, you're still married and this isn't a game of chicken. They mentioned these bad times in your vows. You still have a commitment to keep. My reply to almost all of those questions is to sit him down and have a very difficult and very honest conversation about how this marriage has been driven into a ditch. I think you bring every complaint you have to the table and you let him know exactly which ones are dealbreakers. You insist upon MC. You bring the very real threat of divorce if he doesn't negotiate in good faith. There's no excuse for either of you to be breaking your vows. Quit using his poor choices to justify your own. Recommit to your marriage and demand that he do the same. THAT'S how you fix your marriage. And if he refuses to do it, who can blame you for a divorce?

[Hope Shimmers]

Never FORGET how he/she treated you.

Is that how one in love treats the one he/she loves?

...and whatever answer one finds to that - run!

 

I have to say - with all due respect - it just isn't that simple in my opinion. Doesn't this apply to the BS too, then? After all this guy is married and look how he treated his wife!

 

You need to hate the MM to not having thoughts of recontacting him. Think about how he treated you in the end.

 

Then, you need to forget him completely. Finish the story first. If you want to do something against him, do it to feel better.

 

Hate is not necessary. Neither is forgetting him completely. There is nothing wrong with remembering a person you loved with fondness. I don't hate, regret, or forget.

[Hope Shimmers]

What worked for me was time, and lots of it.