what works for you?

[Owl6118]

Clever retort there at the end. Touche. Personally, I doubt the grass is dead but I'd bet it's dormant and you can thank both of you for leaving it that way. Marriage is a partnership. It's both of you against the world. At least one of you needs to step up and act like you get that and start insisting on it from the other party.

 

Look, I honestly hear you. Your marriage ain't fun and you've both let yourself go in separate directions. As it turns out, you're still married and this isn't a game of chicken. They mentioned these bad times in your vows. You still have a commitment to keep. My reply to almost all of those questions is to sit him down and have a very difficult and very honest conversation about how this marriage has been driven into a ditch. I think you bring every complaint you have to the table and you let him know exactly which ones are dealbreakers. You insist upon MC. You bring the very real threat of divorce if he doesn't negotiate in good faith. There's no excuse for either of you to be breaking your vows. Quit using his poor choices to justify your own. Recommit to your marriage and demand that he do the same. THAT'S how you fix your marriage. And if he refuses to do it, who can blame you for a divorce?

 

All this, plus truth. And all this will be for naught, without truth.

 

It would be monstrously unfair to demand that he recommit to a marriage in ignorance of who is wife really is, in the fullness of her choices.

[Popsicle]

Waverly, I understand very well where you are coming from with this, I have spoken some of these exact words to one of my friends recently. The thing is, is this--your grass may be dead, as mine was, because you had checked out and at a loss, your husband withdrew, too. I know that's what mine did. I ignored him 99% of the time, and when I wasn't ignoring him, I was belittling him or berating him for something. Then all of a sudden, I decide that I'm done with xMOM and I want to turn to him and he has NO idea what is going on with me and why I am all of a sudden paying attention to him again. For a while, things continued as you state, I would make overtures and they would get ignored. But little by little, as I kept trying, knowing it wasn't going to all turn around in a day (we didn't become disconnected strangers overnight, so fixing it will be a process, too) he has also begun to "see" me again, see me for the woman he fell in love with and married 10 years ago...see that he doesn't have to sit on his phone all day or disappear because I don't give a crap whether he's with me or not. He sees I DO care, and he has responded to that. Things are by NO MEANS perfect for me...but what I have come to realize in the last month or so is that my H may not be a perfect man, but he loves me no matter what and he would NEVER treat me with such disrespect as my xMOM treated his W, in hooking up with me. My H is a good man and a good father, and he deserves a good wife. and I'm going to try my damndest to be that and fix things between us. So far, it is working. Believe me when I tell you I have had NO sexual attraction for my H for years, and especially not after the xMOM came into the picture--but I am doing it and in spite of myself? It's coming back.

 

That's actually very sweet.

[Patna]

Waverly, I understand very well where you are coming from with this, I have spoken some of these exact words to one of my friends recently. The thing is, is this--your grass may be dead, as mine was, because you had checked out and at a loss, your husband withdrew, too. I know that's what mine did. I ignored him 99% of the time, and when I wasn't ignoring him, I was belittling him or berating him for something. Then all of a sudden, I decide that I'm done with xMOM and I want to turn to him and he has NO idea what is going on with me and why I am all of a sudden paying attention to him again. For a while, things continued as you state, I would make overtures and they would get ignored. But little by little, as I kept trying, knowing it wasn't going to all turn around in a day (we didn't become disconnected strangers overnight, so fixing it will be a process, too) he has also begun to "see" me again, see me for the woman he fell in love with and married 10 years ago...see that he doesn't have to sit on his phone all day or disappear because I don't give a crap whether he's with me or not. He sees I DO care, and he has responded to that. Things are by NO MEANS perfect for me...but what I have come to realize in the last month or so is that my H may not be a perfect man, but he loves me no matter what and he would NEVER treat me with such disrespect as my xMOM treated his W, in hooking up with me. My H is a good man and a good father, and he deserves a good wife. and I'm going to try my damndest to be that and fix things between us. So far, it is working. Believe me when I tell you I have had NO sexual attraction for my H for years, and especially not after the xMOM came into the picture--but I am doing it and in spite of myself? It's coming back.

 

 

 

littlemermaid: I have been doing the same thing with my H for the past 3 months and honestly, I hardly see much significant improvements. Got quite discouraged these few weeks, but seeing your post has encouraged me I will keep pressing on!

[Owl]

littlemermaid: I have been doing the same thing with my H for the past 3 months and honestly, I hardly see much significant improvements. Got quite discouraged these few weeks, but seeing your post has encouraged me I will keep pressing on!

 

It won't work if you're still having any kind of contact with your affair partner, or if you're still maintaining any hope that the A will resume in any fashion.

 

The bottom line is this...you have to CHOOSE who you're going to be with, which relationship you're going to invest in.

 

You can't do both.

 

You have to CHOOSE to rebuild your marriage. If so...then you go permanent NC with your affair partner, forever. They MUST be removed from your life completely. And then you have to put 100% of your effort into trying to restore your feelings for your spouse, into trying to rebuild your marriage. And frankly...that has to start with complete honesty with your spouse. They need to know the truth of what's been going on, so that they get the chance to forgive you. Then trust has to be slowly rebuilt over time as you demonstrate to them that you did indeed CHOOSE them.

 

Or...CHOOSE to end your marriage.

 

It's one or the other...the whole way. Fully committed to one course of action...either fix the marriage, or end it.

 

Half-hearted attempts, or attempts done without a foundation of complete honesty are pretty much a complete waste of time and effort. If you can't commit to that...to giving your 100% effort, or to rebuilding by confessing the affair and seeking forgiveness...then don't bother, don't waste your time and your spouse's time.

 

"Do, or do not. There is no try."- Yoda

"No matter where you go...go with all of your heart."- Confucious

[Waverly]

Waverly, I understand very well where you are coming from with this, I have spoken some of these exact words to one of my friends recently. The thing is, is this--your grass may be dead, as mine was, because you had checked out and at a loss, your husband withdrew, too. I know that's what mine did. I ignored him 99% of the time, and when I wasn't ignoring him, I was belittling him or berating him for something. Then all of a sudden, I decide that I'm done with xMOM and I want to turn to him and he has NO idea what is going on with me and why I am all of a sudden paying attention to him again. For a while, things continued as you state, I would make overtures and they would get ignored. But little by little, as I kept trying, knowing it wasn't going to all turn around in a day (we didn't become disconnected strangers overnight, so fixing it will be a process, too) he has also begun to "see" me again, see me for the woman he fell in love with and married 10 years ago...see that he doesn't have to sit on his phone all day or disappear because I don't give a crap whether he's with me or not. He sees I DO care, and he has responded to that. Things are by NO MEANS perfect for me...but what I have come to realize in the last month or so is that my H may not be a perfect man, but he loves me no matter what and he would NEVER treat me with such disrespect as my xMOM treated his W, in hooking up with me. My H is a good man and a good father, and he deserves a good wife. and I'm going to try my damndest to be that and fix things between us. So far, it is working. Believe me when I tell you I have had NO sexual attraction for my H for years, and especially not after the xMOM came into the picture--but I am doing it and in spite of myself? It's coming back.

 

LittleMermaid, thanks for this. I've actually spent a lot of time trying to work my way around the whole chicken/egg aspect of all of this. Did I withdraw first? Did he? How much of this was there before the affair and how much of it was caused by that? So on and so on and so on. (I have a lot of loops running through my head these days, it seems.)

 

Either way though, the end result is the same -- we're both doing the same thing and are essentially living separate lives at this point. I know it didn't happen overnight, and I know getting back to a healthier space with him won't happen overnight either. A BIG part of me wonders if there even is any going back at this point.

 

Good for you for making the effort, even if the motivation wasn't totally there for you. I'm glad it's working. I'd love to hear how things continue to go for you.