Caught my wife cheating

[Betrayed hubby]

I caught my wife sexting another man then later she admits to having frequent phone sex with him. I'm devasted

 

She was on her iPad I came into the room she would close out the page she was on. Late later I looked through her iPad and found a game she was playing called "words with friends" it had chatting and I found 1 explicit sexual chatting with a man named jack. The next day I confronted her and she admitted that she was sexting another man but it was only for a few months. After a lot more digging and confrontations I got her to admit that it started over a year ago I lied to her that I found a chat from March the previous year and that I read a lot of sexting, I didn't find anything but I coerced her into confessing. She doesn't seem remorseful she keeps doing it.

 

We fought and argued a lot about this. She swore it was over she would never contact him again. So I made a fake email and she fell for it she wrote told him ( it was me) that I would never find him and that she loved him ( she sent the email the day after we made love) I confronted her again she begged for forgiveness swore again it was over weeks went by I had knee surgery while I was in the hospital she tried to find him on Spokeo. Then went into chat rooms to sext with men any men. This is after we talked I tried to make it better by making sure she had my attention trying to be a better husband working really hard in the bedroom making sure she enjoyed herself and not concern for my pleasure.

 

When I came home from the hospital After surgery I checked the spyware I had installed on our wifi and confronted her again she then admitted to sexting then I went through her cell bill history when I asked her about ph# she said she didn't know but I said ok no prob. I will find it on Intellis for a price. The next day she admitted to phone sex with him many times when I was at work etc. since this all came out I'm torn. I love this woman but I don't trust her at all she has lied so many times. The guy lives in Southern California we live 800 miles away so there's that. She never touched him physically but knowing that she desired him is really hard for me.

 

We were high school sweethearts we were virgins when we married. What do I do now? We have 4 children and 5 grandchildren. She has swore off all the internet stuff in my rage I destroyed her iPad. She has closed her cellphone account willingly. I often wonder am I a fool should I leave her were not kids anymore I don't know if I want to start over. I truly deeply love my wife but this has destroyed my belief in her. Part of me really just wants to walk away. But my love for her stops me. I'm so torn up in my heart I don't know what is the right choice.

 

She wants to work on our relationship but I am doubtful she really is remorseful I think she would have continued had I not caught her. She is a homemaker if we divorced she would be destitute part of me doesn't care. Part of me wants to get healthy after surgery and leave her. I can't kiss her anymore or hold her hand I have never in my life been more angry and hurt than I am now I want to shake her and beg that she tells me why the **** did you do this!!!!

Edited April 2, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[aliveagain]

First thing, she needs to send him and other affair partners a No Contact Letter, one you have read and approved(you can google and get copies of letters on line). Expose him or them to their spouses, this may not be the first time they have cheated on their wives. Just about every online affair in time will become physical, 800 miles is nothing if they really want to meet. Let's hope this is not the tip of the iceberg as is often the case here on LS, cheaters are liars. Have her write out a timeline of events including who with and when, they often withhold information because they don't want you to know just how bad they behaved. Counselling to find out why she needs validation from other men and why you aren't enough, this is an absolute must for reconciliation. She needs to find out whats broken in her. Tell her your requirements for staying in the marriage and the consequences if she breaks one of your boundaries. Do not let her sweep this under the carpet without doing the necessary work or you will be dealing with more infidelity, it's always easier to cheat once you've broken your vow.

[NotOW35]

Your wife wouldn't be destitute if you divorced her. She'd get alimony and child support depending on how old the kids are. Sounds like its been a long term marriage. You don't get to call all the shots when it end just because she had an emotional affair...the judges won't care frankly.

[Bryanp]

No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She clearly sees your bark is louder than you bite. It is up to you to change this equation.

[bubbaganoosh]

 

Ask yourself this. What if he didn't live 800 miles away and lived two miles down the road. You think she would just be sexting him?

 

Ask yourself this. How many lies will it take before your breaking point.

 

Your problem is that your allowing her to do what she's doing and when she's caught, you, in so many ways rub one index finger over your other and say "shame on you". That's it so if that's all your going to do then she's see's it like she can continue and you'll do nothing about it.

 

Bet you if you slapped her with a divorce she would cry a sea of tears and beg for forgiveness because you finally hit your brick wall.

 

That's what I would do. You can't trust her. She's having on EA after another and she lies through her teeth so do the right thing and divorce her.

[harrybrown]

Start the 180. File for divorce. Have her go get a job.

 

Have you exposed to all the family? And does the OM have a wife? let the OM's wife know.

 

Expose and do not let her know ahead of time. Save your proof away from the house.

 

You will not nice her out of cheating. You need to be ready to walk away.

 

Have her leave.

[Fluttershy]

Your wife has serious issues and unless she is willing to take responsibility for her actions and work on herself she will not change. She is living in a fantasy world and escaping reality with this guy. Creatinf a whole life that is not real and something any healthy person could see. She is broken and you can't fix her. I know you love her but her just saying sorry isn't enough. She has to be making positive action towards change an that starts with cutting of her weakness and getting in to IC.

 

If she isn't willing to change as she has shown are you willing to live like this? Or stand up for yourself and what you want in a marriage.

[fellini]

Your wife certainly has issues.

 

These ISSUES (internet sex addiction) are preventing her from moving forward.

Your improving the situation at home (being more of a husband) is not the solution because the addiction is NOT ABOUT YOU, it's all about the high she is getting from the addiction.

 

Look. If you wife was addicted to cocaine (which is pretty close to what is happening, because the same drug is being introduced in her system) and you caught her, and said, HONEY, I LOVE YOU, but WHY ARE YOU becoming addicted to cocaine! And she gave you a reason, are you going to think that YOU can change YOUR behaviour and her addiction is going to stop?

 

You need her to wake up from her addiction and get it under control. THEN and only THEN can you deal with your marriage.

 

As one author on EA has put it, just when a WS starts really enjoy her A, her BS begins to try to WIN HER BACK by being there for her more: But the last thing a WS wants is MORE of her S!!! She wants MORE of her EA!!!

 

Think of your wife as a drug addict and act accordingly.

 

This means I think you should ignore the advice to divorce her, toss her on the street, etc. You have a S who is THINKS she is in LOVE with a guy 800 miles away, but in FACT she is ONLY in love with the EMOTIONAL HIGH having him in here HEAD. In fact she probably gets MORE excitement THINKING about him than she does interacting with him. She might even be talking to 20 guys in a dorm in UCLA and not know it. She is not in love with a real person, she is just getting OFF on the attention and the sexting. Help her and you will see what her real feelings are for you.

[Spectre]

You should definitely divorce her, don't listen to whoever tried to compare this to being addicted to cocaine. She made a conscious choice to behave this way. She is not a good wife. Leave her now before she does even more emotional devastation to you.

[SD1000]

OP, How long has it been since your surgery and the most recent D-day? It may take months for you to figure out whether you should and whether you can stay in the marriage. Don't make decisions too quickly.

[beach]

She certainly didn't end it when confronted - so why would she stop now? She won't.

 

And you shouldn't have to live with a liar and a woman that cheats by text.

 

Have her get a job - she may need it to support herself - these are consequences she earned by her bad behavior.

 

Your kids are adults. Certainly they will understand you need your self respect and can't have it while you're with her.

 

Serve her divorce papers - she can tell the kids why.

[aliveagain]

She will only do what you allow her to do. Draw your line in the sand and stop moving the line, defend it, if you say it than mean it. She is showing you severe disrespect, she is very broken and will need years of professional help. In time, regardless of distance, emotional affairs will become physical. It's just a matter of time, your married to a serial cheater.

[Chi townD]

You're mad as hell right now and you have every right to be. But, I wouldn't make any rash decisions while things are so raw for you right now.

 

 

It sounds like she's remorseful and willing to put in the work. As far as I can tell, nothing ever went physical. So, it could be a hellva lot worse.

 

 

I think that you need to calm down and think about doing some marriage counseling before you make any decisions for yourself.

[fellini]

This is not science fiction, it's basic chemistry.

 

When you are infatuated, your brain gets a huge surge of dopamine which literally changes the wiring in your brain. It activates the pleasure centers and stimulates the production of adrenaline. Synaptic neurotransmitters make a connection between your lover and the production of dopamine

so

it intensifies the desire for your lover.

 

Oxytocin is released during physical affection and orgasm which strengthens the feelings of bonding, trust, and emotional attachment. Combine all these chemicals together, and you have one intoxicating blend of euphoria that will override the region of the brain that governs logic.

 

Neurotransmitters

In what is sometimes called the puppy love segment of a relationship, where two people meet and cannot get enough of one another, their brains actually resemble the brains of an addict. The reason why is due to neurotransmitters like dopamine, serotonin, and noradrenaline. Dopamine controls the pleasure centers in your brain and when you fall in love, your brain releases more dopamine. Consequently, you feel ecstatic when you are around that special someone.Serotonin also plays a role. As your dopamine goes up, your serotonin goes down. When this happens, you think a lot about your significant other and you get a little jumpy and anxious when you think about him or her. Last up is noradrenaline. Noradrenaline is the chemical responsible for the rush you feel when you are first falling in love with someone. Noradrenaline adds to the excitement and arousal of early love and is tied to the idea of being addicted to love. For some people, when the rush is gone,

so

are they and they go off to seek another rush of noradrenaline.

 

This is already ESTABLISHED. The same happens with sexting/internet sex. The WS is experiencing an enormously powerful emotion called limerance as a direct result of these highly pleasureable activities.

 

Once the drug of choice has been cut off at the source, the addict falls back into relying upon the previous drug of choice: the chemicals that are produced and sustain LTR's. The trick is to introduce the cocaine-high into a stable marriage periodically or in such a way as to give more pleasure to the effect of "bordome" that can pass in LTRs. The work of Esther Perel speaks about how people in long term relationships can do this in their daily lives.

 

You should definitely divorce her, don't listen to whoever tried to compare this to being addicted to cocaine. She made a conscious choice to behave this way. She is not a good wife. Leave her now before she does even more emotional devastation to you.

[thummper]

Interesting. No replies from Betrayed Hubby. Is he still with us, or is he hiding out licking his wounds? What's happening BH? Any more discussions with your WS?

[Spectre]

This is not science fiction, it's basic chemistry.

 

When you are infatuated, your brain gets a huge surge of dopamine which literally changes the wiring in your brain. It activates the pleasure centers and stimulates the production of adrenaline. Synaptic neurotransmitters make a connection between your lover and the production of dopamine

so

it intensifies the desire for your lover.

 

Oxytocin is released during physical affection and orgasm which strengthens the feelings of bonding, trust, and emotional attachment. Combine all these chemicals together, and you have one intoxicating blend of euphoria that will override the region of the brain that governs logic.

 

Neurotransmitters

In what is sometimes called the puppy love segment of a relationship, where two people meet and cannot get enough of one another, their brains actually resemble the brains of an addict. The reason why is due to neurotransmitters like dopamine, serotonin, and noradrenaline. Dopamine controls the pleasure centers in your brain and when you fall in love, your brain releases more dopamine. Consequently, you feel ecstatic when you are around that special someone.Serotonin also plays a role. As your dopamine goes up, your serotonin goes down. When this happens, you think a lot about your significant other and you get a little jumpy and anxious when you think about him or her. Last up is noradrenaline. Noradrenaline is the chemical responsible for the rush you feel when you are first falling in love with someone. Noradrenaline adds to the excitement and arousal of early love and is tied to the idea of being addicted to love. For some people, when the rush is gone,

so

are they and they go off to seek another rush of noradrenaline.

 

This is already ESTABLISHED. The same happens with sexting/internet sex. The WS is experiencing an enormously powerful emotion called limerance as a direct result of these highly pleasureable activities.

 

Once the drug of choice has been cut off at the source, the addict falls back into relying upon the previous drug of choice: the chemicals that are produced and sustain LTR's. The trick is to introduce the cocaine-high into a stable marriage periodically or in such a way as to give more pleasure to the effect of "bordome" that can pass in LTRs. The work of Esther Perel speaks about how people in long term relationships can do this in their daily lives.

 

That is all well and good, but you don't get to just brush behavior like this aside by trying to excuse it via "this is an addiction". The fact of the matter is this man has been cheated on, and thus should simply leave his wife. Do not try to lay blame elsewhere or act like there is some medical reason for this behavior.

[fellini]

Love is an addiction. It's not a medical condition. It's merely chemicals in the brain sending signals and causing emotional responses. Some people get high jogging, some get high on cocaine, some get high on risk, some get high on new relationships. These are ALL personal life choices.

 

But you cannot reason with someone who is high on their drug of choice. It's not such a hard thing to understand. You of course, come from the school of IF another man has put his penis in my S's vagina it's time to talk to lawyers. If someone's husband let another man's wife, or another woman spread his seed. It's completely and utterly out of the question to continue in this relationship.

 

Not a view shared, frankly by any means, even by the majority of BS's. It might have worked for you, but that doesn't mean you found the universal answer to infidelity. That this man has been cheated on is not in question. What is in question is what he should do about it. It seems you think there are no choices. There is no THUS here. There is: now what? If your solution were so simple, and the only recourse, LS wouldn't need a separate thread on infidelity and their wouldn't be a million dollar publication industry addressing the issues.

 

 

That is all well and good, but you don't get to just brush behavior like this aside by trying to excuse it via "this is an addiction". The fact of the matter is this man has been cheated on, and thus should simply leave his wife. Do not try to lay blame elsewhere or act like there is some medical reason for this behavior.

Edited April 5, 2014 by fellini

[Spectre]

We are going around in circles here. The fact of the matter is no this can't be shrugged off as a type of drug addiction. If we do that we are practically just handing every single cheater out there the perfect excuse to cheat, but no: it's not an addiction. She chose to cheat. Do not give these people more excuses for bad behavior.

[fellini]

No one blames the addiction for the affair.

 

It is the other way around. The AFFAIR becomes an addiction.

 

Crossing boundaries leads to people experiencing a high from natural amphetamine-like chemicals dopamine and norepinephrine. WS's inaccurately call this "a spark" or "chemistry" between them and their AP. It is chemistry, but inside not flowing between two people. But it is the crossing of boundaries that CAUSES the addiction, not the ADDICTION CAUSING THE AFFAIR.

 

The overproduction of dopamine and norepinephrine are what SUSTAINS people in their affairs for years. So no, the addiction is no more an excuse to making the decision to embark upon an affair than it is for a drug addict to say he got INTO drugs because they are addictive. Addiction comes from using. Someone has to decide to start.

 

Glass calls it a bubble. Some call it a fantasy. Some call it "romantic love" some call it "the feelings that come from falling in love". But all of these effects are chemical reactions.

 

Just look at the how time after time after time the WS "wakes up" and can move back into their primary relationship as though nothing has happened to their love for their BS. This is not some kind of conspiracy that WS's learn to do by reading some kind of "post A" manual to getting your spouse back. It is a repeated and well known condition of coming down from the high that is sustained by the mystery and secrecy of the affair. BAM, the levels of Dopamide DROP upon discovery and the WS can begin to recover. This is one of the important aspects of NC: Remove the source of the creation of dopamide. Hysterical bonding for the BS also serves as a recovery of the dopamide production between the BS and WS, thus further enabling the WS to get off the addiction from the AP as it shifts back to their primary relationship.

 

All of this is clearly documented and interpreted in hundreds of clinical / psychological research studies that actually MEASURE the production of these and related chemicals during initial love, during an affair, in established couples, and in couples who have sustained their love during more than 20 years affair free. You don't have to believe in it personally, but ignoring the implications of this material can lead BS's into making uninformed decisions.

 

Of course none of this has to matter if a BS has a line as clear as yours: She cheated. Time for divorce. No need to entertain ANY motives, justifiable or not. OUT.

 

The simplicity of that formula suggests there is no need to debate with you any of this, because your only interest is in the singularity of the A. But to say that people use the ADDICTION as an EXCUSE is clearly non existent.

 

 

 

What is clear about the difference is that we are all aware about the addiction caused by drugs of choice, but most people "in love" with their affair partners actually believe their hallucinations are real, and that its not an addiction which is feeding their desire NOT TO STOP.

 

 

 

We are going around in circles here. The fact of the matter is no this can't be shrugged off as a type of drug addiction. If we do that we are practically just handing every single cheater out there the perfect excuse to cheat, but no: it's not an addiction. She chose to cheat. Do not give these people more excuses for bad behavior.

Edited April 6, 2014 by fellini

[Spectre]

Yeah, like I said..I just don't agree. This woman isn't an addict, she is a cheater.

[stillafool]

Your wife wouldn't be destitute if you divorced her. She'd get alimony and child support depending on how old the kids are. Sounds like its been a long term marriage. You don't get to call all the shots when it end just because she had an emotional affair...the judges won't care frankly.

 

..and a job which apparently is what she needs. She has too much time on her hands.