he cheat...and hid his child from me

[brigitte]

It's been 3 days since I found out my husband of 25 years had an affair 16 years ago and fathered a child. His son emailed and wants to contact him. When I confronted him he denied everything, but I've since been in contact with the woman who was quite nice and answered all my questions. She claims that my husband broke it off with her when I got pregnant about the same time as she and that they havent had contact since. Her son is 16 now and wants to meet his dad; thats all. She also encouraged me to "work things out" with my husband-"it was a mistake" OK perhaps a slip 16 years ago might be worth forgiving, but hiding the fact that he had a child?? He refuses to discuss any of this with me which is driving me ape**** as I have a lot of questions- how serious was the affair? the woman says she was in love with him. I need an outsiders point of view PLEASE! I look at the man I've spent half my life with and I dont know him any more, but at the same time I'm too close to him to be objective. Forgive? Walk? Throw things at his head? Oh...already did that. ANY COMMENTS WELCOME as this is too shocking to discuss with our longtime friends- I need a clear view.

[M30USA]

WOW...I cannot begin to understand what you must be feeling right now. Just try to let the initial shock subside before you make any major decisions. I also think you shouldn't have thrown anything at his head--even if he deserved it. Let us know if you find out more info or anything progresses.

[Steen719]

Good Lord, what an awful shock for you. I think if it were me, I would do a few things first. I would not make any quick decisions about your future with your H. I would also get a counselor to see very quickly so that you can unburden yourself. You should also talk to your go-to friend and do it soon. You should not try to handle a shock like this by yourself. Unburden, do not make any decisions right now, see a counselor and remember that the 16 year old boy has no responsibility in this and your children have a half sibling.

 

I am so sorry. I really can hardly imagine your pain and confusion about how your H could do this to you and to the boy.

 

Good luck, really, and let us know how you are.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm sorry to hear of your heartbreak, sincerely.

 

I'm not sure I will be able to give you much comfort as I tend to be quite unforgiving when it comes to infidelity.

 

I agree that you need to surround yourself with your loved ones to get through this...because this is pretty huge.

 

I also agree that you might consider seeking some professional help for yourself (in addition to any marriage counselling if that is something your husband is willing to do). A trained professional will help you sort through all the hurt and pain and get you to ask and answer the hard questions concerning your marriage while giving you tools to cope and move on.

 

Again, I am pretty hardcore when it comes to infidelity so take what I have to say with a grain of salt. You know the old cliche, "once a cheater, always a cheater"? Well that is a cliche for a reason. It is pretty rare for a partner to have an affair and then suddenly decide to be completely faithful until death do you part. Please keep this in mind if you choose to work things out with him in the end. Your husband is a cheater and liar at the end of the day and although you may be able to find some forgiveness for his behavior, it will be hard to forget. This is a pretty deep betrayal of trust.

 

I think the other situation that is bothering me a great deal is his continued denial even after you've spoken to the other woman. The fact that he is not only denying his affair AND his child but also choosing NOT to discuss any of this with you says a lot about his character. He is disrespecting you all over again and his actions only SCREAM guilty in more ways than one. I mean, what does he think will happen if he doesn't talk about it...just disappear into thin air?? Stupid and immature if you ask me.

 

How has your marriage been overall? Would you say you've been happy? Do you have a healthy sex life? Have you noticed any changes in your marriage at any given point? Usually hindsight is 20/20 so now that you know of this affair and love child, you may start going back down memory lane to see if there were any signs that might have indicated this could have been a possibility.

 

As for the other woman giving you advice to work it out, I'd take that with a grain of salt. I really don't think she's in any position to be giving you advice after all. The fact that she says she was in love with your husband makes me think it was a pretty significant relationship. If not, what does that say about your husband and how he would lead someone on to believe there was love.

 

Again, sorry for the bluntness of my response. You have EVERY right to be angry, hurt and demand answers. If he really loved you, he should man up and admit the errors of his ways and fill you in on the details as uncomfortable as that may be for the both of you. After that's done, only you can decide if he's worth keeping and most importantly, worth trusting again.

 

My heart goes out to you. Best of luck my friend.

Edited April 3, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle

[brigitte]

THANK YOU ALL FOR POSTING! This site is more productive than doing damage on facebook. I've gone over my whole life in my mind over and over again, and yes-there have been other women. Want to hear something funny? At the time of the affair I opened a letter (addressed to business my H and I own together) from the woman saying the the apartment was ready when was he coming etc...When I asked him about it he laughed it off and said she was just a delusional client. I BELIEVED HIM and forgot about it...till now. What does that say about me? I share the blame in living my life in a lie. I really believed him. His reaction (or lack of) to all this is much more frightening than the affair itself. Letting me live through this hell knowing the pain I'm in and not offering to answer simple questions makes me see him as a monster. I have offered to show him a photo of his son...he's beautiful!! but he refuses to admit he exsists.

[brigitte]

I'm sorry to hear of your heartbreak, sincerely.

 

I'm not sure I will be able to give you much comfort as I tend to be quite unforgiving when it comes to infidelity.

 

I agree that you need to surround yourself with your loved ones to get through this...because this is pretty huge.

 

I also agree that you might consider seeking some professional help for yourself (in addition to any marriage counselling if that is something your husband is willing to do). A trained professional will help you sort through all the hurt and pain and get you to ask and answer the hard questions concerning your marriage while giving you tools to cope and move on.

 

Again, I am pretty hardcore when it comes to infidelity so take what I have to say with a grain of salt. You know the old cliche, "once a cheater, always a cheater"? Well that is a cliche for a reason. It is pretty rare for a partner to have an affair and then suddenly decide to be completely faithful until death do you part. Please keep this in mind if you choose to work things out with him in the end. Your husband is a cheater and liar at the end of the day and although you may be able to find some forgiveness for his behavior, it will be hard to forget. This is a pretty deep betrayal of trust.

 

I think the other situation that is bothering me a great deal is his continued denial even after you've spoken to the other woman. The fact that he is not only denying his affair AND his child but also choosing NOT to discuss any of this with you says a lot about his character. He is disrespecting you all over again and his actions only SCREAM guilty in more ways than one. I mean, what does he think will happen if he doesn't talk about it...just disappear into thin air?? Stupid and immature if you ask me.

 

How has your marriage been overall? Would you say you've been happy? Do you have a healthy sex life? Have you noticed any changes in your marriage at any given point? Usually hindsight is 20/20 so now that you know of this affair and love child, you may start going back down memory lane to see if there were any signs that might have indicated this could have been a possibility.

 

As for the other woman giving you advice to work it out, I'd take that with a grain of salt. I really don't think she's in any position to be giving you advice after all. The fact that she says she was in love with your husband makes me think it was a pretty significant relationship. If not, what does that say about your husband and how he would lead someone on to believe there was love.

 

Again, sorry for the bluntness of my response. You have EVERY right to be angry, hurt and demand answers. If he really loved you, he should man up and admit the errors of his ways and fill you in on the details as uncomfortable as that may be for the both of you. After that's done, only you can decide if he's worth keeping and most importantly, worth trusting again.

 

My heart goes out to you. Best of luck my friend.

Sorry I cant figure out how to reply to specific posts...I cant think clearly. I've added another post as well. Yes I think my h's denial is scary- he reminds me of a woman denying a pregnancy and giving birth in a public toilet. On one hand I pity him and fear for him...he could be close to completely losing it- but on the other hand perhaps he hid this easily ( he's a very good lier and manipulator) and cares little for my feelings and for the pain I'm going through. We are still living together as I am not finantially independant and we have 3 kids. He stays away from the house as much as possible and completely ignores me when he's home. I am unable to work and have not left the house since I found out. We own a business together, the only thing he has said to me so far is when am I going back to work. All my questions, comments, or requests to sit down and discuss the situation are ignored; he just leaves the room, or the house. Is he dealing with his own pain? Or is he a heartless monster? I just don't know. I don't know anything any more. How long is this going to go on???

[brigitte]

Good Lord, what an awful shock for you. I think if it were me, I would do a few things first. I would not make any quick decisions about your future with your H. I would also get a counselor to see very quickly so that you can unburden yourself. You should also talk to your go-to friend and do it soon. You should not try to handle a shock like this by yourself. Unburden, do not make any decisions right now, see a counselor and remember that the 16 year old boy has no responsibility in this and your children have a half sibling.

 

I am so sorry. I really can hardly imagine your pain and confusion about how your H could do this to you and to the boy.

 

Good luck, really, and let us know how you are.

YOU GUYS are the closest thing to a counsellor I'm going to get- I am penniless and living in a foreign country (I gave up my entire life for him) without so much as a current passport or money to renew it. I'm a mother, how can I not feel for this boy? I've actually put my pain aside and encouraged my H to at least see look at a photo and consider making contact with him even though its really not any of my business. I have no friends really-gave them up one by one to be with my husband. So thanks everyone for posting on this thread- you have no idea how much it helps. I have decided on a 6 month separation. Completely my desicion seeing as he isn't speaking to me. What a mess.