She KNOWS now!

[hurtnomorerika]

Well, the wife knows now and apparently she has been known about me and the baby. It has gotten really messy now.

 

About 2 weeks ago, I went to a concert and had a good time until after the concert she approached me after I had gotten in the car. She had to been watching me the whole time I was there from 7:30 to 12 that night. I believe she's been on my facebook thats the only way she would have known I would be there. I made a police report.

 

The next night ex-mm's cousin inboxed me and questioned me about our daughter. She wanted to know why I havent tried to get her around her family I told her to talk to him about that.

 

Then a couple of days later, the wife sends me a friend request on FB. I inboxed her and told her that we were not friends and whatever she wanted to say to me she could. She told me that she posted something for me to read. I told her I wasnt accepting her request. I told her we could talk like women about this. She went crazy, she told me to kill myself, she called my daughters B**** and the next time she sees me she's going to beat my a$$! I didnt respond I called the police, police officer came and he told me to put myself in her shoes and she's probably just upset and mad. I said I understand that but she threatened me. So he went and arrested her.

 

I went to put a restraining order on her, because I do feel threatened at this point and I have to look out for the safety of me and my daughters.

 

THEN, this past monday I get a inbox message from ex-mm. He says that he has an atty to not only get a DNA test but to investigate me and I told him to bring it on, I have one too. Then he kept responding with other stuff and asked for my phone number. He has my number so at this point Im starting to think that it was his wife. Its crazy that he would say something after all this time especially when Im not bothering them.

 

We go to court next week for the restraining order, Im so nervous. I dont know what to expect at this point.

 

Also, I got a letter about the CS I should start receiving it in less than 30 days.

 

What do you all think about all of this?

[underwater2010]

These are all the things we warned you about. You had a chance to soften the blow and took the easier way out.

 

I cannot believe you had her arrested. If you where to put yourself in her shoes....wouldn't you be irate. My guess is she is trying to reach out to you for answer and instead you shut her down....which just pisses her off even more.

 

Once the DNA is proven...what do you think is going to happen? He will be the proven father and will have a chance at shared custody.

 

Please understand that I am not saying she was right to verbally assault you...but we all say things out of anger...even if we don't truly mean them. And she had a chance to ape crap on you at the concert and didn't....unless you care to elaborate.

 

At this point you have crushed the safety net of her marriage....now you are putting her in the line for a criminal record. When do you stop and think about what she is going through?

 

I personally think that you dug yourself a hole. I am sorry that your beautiful innocent child is going to be caught up in all of this. Are you prepared for all this dirty laundry to be aired in the public courts? Have you even tried apologizing or did you just blow her off?

[Cocochai]

Seriously... Just take him to court, get child support, visitation rights, and stay away from this XMM if you can unless it has something to do with the child.

 

I understand the BS's pain because the same thing happened to me expect we were not M. We were pregnant at the same time and I had no idea until giving birth. It's embrassing and prob to the BS as well but... We have to be in control of our emotions. If the BS still can't handle what her H has done... She needs to leave him instead of fighting with you.

[Sub]

1. What did she do when she "approached" you at the concert?

 

2. How can she see what's on your FB page if you're not friends? Is your profile public? If so, why?

[hurtnomorerika]

These are all the things we warned you about. You had a chance to soften the blow and took the easier way out.

 

I took the easier way out for ME, yes, sure did. I didnt owe anybody anything. I did not commit to her, her husband did, I did not speak vows to her , her husband did. It was his responsibility to man up and tell his wife what he had done, NOT mine.

 

I cannot believe you had her arrested. If you where to put yourself in her shoes....wouldn't you be irate. My guess is she is trying to reach out to you for answer and instead you shut her down....which just pisses her off even more.

 

I sure did have her arrested, she's following me around and then she threatened me and my daughters AFTER I told her that I was willing to talk to her and answer anyting that she wanted to know. When really she should be asking her husband. I dont care what you say, for her to call my daughters Bi****, she went too far. I dont care how mad you are you dont involve innocent kids that dont have anything to do with it.

 

Once the DNA is proven...what do you think is going to happen? He will be the proven father and will have a chance at shared custody.

 

Thanks for pointing that out, even if he does, God worked it out in my favor just by me having a restraining order on her, I wont have to worry about her having any access to my daughter.

 

Please understand that I am not saying she was right to verbally assault you...but we all say things out of anger...even if we don't truly mean them. And she had a chance to ape crap on you at the concert and didn't....unless you care to elaborate.

 

At this point you have crushed the safety net of her marriage....now you are putting her in the line for a criminal record. When do you stop and think about what she is going through?

 

She should have thought about her criminal record, I guess if she were to put a gun to my head and pull the trigger it would be okay because of the situation.

 

I personally think that you dug yourself a hole. I am sorry that your beautiful innocent child is going to be caught up in all of this. Are you prepared for all this dirty laundry to be aired in the public courts? Have you even tried apologizing or did you just blow her off?

 

My daughter is going to be fine. Let it air out in courts, thats what the courts are for. We wont be the first or the last. Im going the extra mile to protect me and my daughters. Maybe you didnt read the full post because she wouldnt even give me a chance to apologize to her. I tried and thats all that matters.

 

I WILL get the police involved again, if I have to.

Edited April 2, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed quotes and formatting

[HermioneG]

Have you ever apologized to her?

 

She was wrong to speak cruelly to you.

 

What has your attorney explained about custody? I assume if he is proven to be the father, he will attempt to get at least partial custody. He is married, and has children in his current marriage who are your child's siblings.

 

You should be prepared for what's next. I expect quite a ride is ahead, so I hope your attorney has given you plenty of information on possible outcomes.

[hurtnomorerika]

Seriously... Just take him to court, get child support, visitation rights, and stay away from this XMM if you can unless it has something to do with the child.

 

I understand the BS's pain because the same thing happened to me expect we were not M. We were pregnant at the same time and I had no idea until giving birth. It's embrassing and prob to the BS as well but... We have to be in control of our emotions. If the BS still can't handle what her H has done... She needs to leave him instead of fighting with you.

 

Exactly, these people want me to be okay with her approaching me the way she did and threatening me. I never said it was okay, but she needs to fight and carry on with him. I WILL NOT go back and forth with her. Either way it goes if I had told her, it would still be a mess.

 

I've already went through the childsupport process, just got a letter saying I should start getting it in less than 30 days. I did what I was supposed to do, get what my daughter was entitled to and move on. Nobody has time for that.

[HermioneG]

Exactly, these people want me to be okay with her approaching me the way she did and threatening me. I never said it was okay, but she needs to fight and carry on with him. I WILL NOT go back and forth with her. Either way it goes if I had told her, it would still be a mess.

 

I've already went through the childsupport process, just got a letter saying I should start getting it in less than 30 days. I did what I was supposed to do, get what my daughter was entitled to and move on. Nobody has time for that.

 

I think you are likely going to be facing a custody issue.

 

I know I would absolutely encourage my spouse to go for split custody in this situation. I doubt anyone in this situation is going to move on, anytime soon. I hope you are prepared.

[Sub]

I dont care how mad you are you dont involve innocent kids that dont have anything to do with it.

 

From her vantage point, though, she's thinking about her own kids as well. She sees you as a threat to the life/family she has, just like you see her after this. She didn't ask you to become part of her life by having an A with her H and then getting pregnant.

 

She's off the rails, and I can't speak to that because I've never been there. But to just put it all at her husbands feet is a little irresponsible.

[whichwayisup]

Situation is awful, for everybody. My suggestion is block her on FB, and only deal with your lawyer. Do not engage in any conversations on or offline with exMM or his wife. Let your lawyer do the talking.

[hurtnomorerika]

Have you ever apologized to her?

 

No, that's what I was explaining , I was trying to and she wasnt trying to hear it. Then she posted something about me on facebook and I had all these different people sending me friend requests. I mean really, is all that necessary for you to put my name out there like that. Oh well, I know who I am and those who know me knows, so that's all that matters.

 

She was wrong to speak cruelly to you.

 

I understand her pain, I really do. When she said the next time she sees me she's going to beat my a$$ and Eff those little Bi***** you have, thats when she crossed the line. Even if she is just speaking out of anger, Im not taking it lightly.

 

What has your attorney explained about custody? I assume if he is proven to be the father, he will attempt to get at least partial custody. He is married, and has children in his current marriage who are your child's siblings.

 

Yes, we've spoken on it. The thing is he still hasnt requested a DNA test. With everything that's going on, he will get supervised visitation since now threats and things are being made by his wife.

 

You should be prepared for what's next. I expect quite a ride is ahead, so I hope your attorney has given you plenty of information on possible outcomes

[hurtnomorerika]

I think you are likely going to be facing a custody issue.

 

I know I would absolutely encourage my spouse to go for split custody in this situation. I doubt anyone in this situation is going to move on, anytime soon. I hope you are prepared.

 

 

Nope, no custody issue. I've spoken with my lawyer and 2 judges that I know. No judge is going to grant any custody, simply because he's never been around. Visitation rights, yes, custody no.

[HermioneG]

Nope, no custody issue. I've spoken with my lawyer and 2 judges that I know. No judge is going to grant any custody, simply because he's never been around. Visitation rights, yes, custody no.

 

Once DNA has been established, it can change. I find it impossible that no attorney has explained that.

 

It is unwise to think otherwise. A good attorney could make that happen. I've witnessed it. Visitation at first, custody later.

 

It's just a headsup.

[GreySkyMorning]

Erika, I think you're doing fine. Follow through with the restraining order and get that established. I don't care what happened, no one has a right to make threats like that and verbally attack your child. She is honestly lucky that a restraining order is all she's getting against her, because if I were in your shoes, I don't think I'd be so calm about it. She needs to be consulting her husband for answers.

 

I'm glad that you got the child support issue resolved. Don't worry too much about a custody problem. You're dealing with a man that has consistently denied the existence of his daughter, that's married to a woman that is making physical threats against the mother and calling the child obnoxious names. Not a judge out there is going to put your child in that environment anytime soon.

[Quiet Storm]

I agree that you should tread carefully.

 

I would not be surprised if they attempt to get joint custody. The child was recently born, so the fact that he is not involved doesn't mean anything... he doesn't even know if it is his child yet. All he will have to do is explain "I didn't want to have any attachment or bond to the child before a DNA test was done. Now that I know she is mine, I want a relationship with her."

 

Now that it is out in the open, his family & friends are going to be saying things to him like "Don't you want your children to know their sister?" , "Your wife is a better mom than her.", "Save on child support by going for custody". Now that everyone is involved, he may totally change. Even though he is a jerk, he won't want people thinking he abandoned his child.

 

Be very careful about what you post on social media. Any drinking, partying, drama, etc, may be used against you. Also, they could hire a Private Investigator to dig up dirt on you (this is more common than people think).

 

If he is her father, he has parental rights. Unless he terminates them. If you are a fit parent, then it is unlikely they will get full custody of her, but joint or shared custody is a real possibility. It is crazy that an attorney told you he could only get visitation. Are you sure you did not misunderstand?

 

If there is no court order, custody may not even be established yet. This would concern me greatly if I were you. I would get a court order in place ASAP, to avoid any possibility of them taking the child. If that happens, you may be the one fighting to get her back.

 

You should address all these concerns with a reputable attorney that specializes in family law.

Edited April 2, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[jellybean89]

I think you are going too far with the "threats". Come on, calling your child a word you don't like doesn't equate to harming a child. Telling you she wants to beat your butt also doesn't equate to anything except words. If people had restraining orders taken out on people who said "ugh, I'm gonna kill you" or "I'm gonna beat your butt", the courts would be flooded. They have more important things to deal with than this drama you brought upon yourself by engaging in an affair.

 

So you have checked out her social media? If so, that's stalking. Have you been in her house? That's invasion of property. See how silly this is?

 

You are using your daughter to hurt her, in MY view. That's is not cool at all.

 

How do you know she spent the entire time at a concert looking at you???? Says who? Did you see it? Come on, aren't you being a just a bit over dramatic?

 

Your "restraining order" probably won't be granted so prepare yourself for her involvement in your child's life if she stays with the cheater. Remember though, you chose to be involved with a MM. This may just be one of those consequences you will have to learn to deal with.

[Sub]

If she has other children, perhaps a wake-up call as to the consequences of her behaviour will help her get the grip she so desperately needs.

 

I think the other two people involved in this scenario could use a wake-up call as to the consequences of their behavior as well. Let's be fair here. The above sentence could apply to the OP as well.

[cocorico]

I WILL get the police involved again, if I have to.

 

Good! The law is there to protect people against crime. Use it when you need to. Look after yourself and your child.

 

What do you all think about all of this?

 

I think you did the right thing. Protecting yourself and your daughter has to be your number one priority, and if that interferes with someone's opportunity to break the law, then too bad.

 

I hope this gets sorted out speedily so that you do not have to live in fear of future harassment or threat.

Edited April 2, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[QuakerOats]

I'm glad she knows...she should know her husband has a baby, and he should be paying child support.

 

I don't really get why you feel so threatened by her, however. Couldn't you have just redirected her to her husband?

 

Do you have a family lawyer? Your ex will likely now want to have visitation. It will be for everyones best if the emotions were backburnered in favor of a calmer, more adult approach.

 

Of course this woman is upset. Wouldn't you be? It doesn't give her the right to go after you...which it doesn't seem she really has. It sounds like everyone needs to chill, talk to lawyers, and with time figure out what to do. Try and focus on your baby and not reengage in the chaos which brought her here.

[wanting more]

what did you say when you filed the police report after the concert??

 

where i live a judge has to hear both sides of the story and then sign to have the restraining order in place? is that how it works where you live?

 

id be cautious of "getting the cops involved" anytime you feel like you want to, eventually they'll brush you off

[William]

Alright. Enough. Two members banned and more to go. A member brings a legitimate topic to the forum and people start hammering at them for issues having nothing to do with their shared experience and in an inflammatory manner.

 

As I advertised in prior threads regarding such issues, the time for polite reminders has passed. Post such tripe at your own risk! Additionally, every banned member will have background checks performed and any other accounts that exist (common in this forum!) will be scrubbed as well. If you can't discuss topics, adhering to the topic and in a civil and respectful manner, please take yourself and your keyboard off of our forums. Thank you!

 

Thread starter, my apologies.

[Fluttershy]

I have an unpopular view as I do not give BS's for everything they do. She crossed a line threatening you and filing a police report was right. Personaly I think arresting her was going to far. And i agree, a simple apology instead of coming accross patronzing and superiour before threats were made would have been far better. I do have a question as you are changing your story a bit. Did she call your children names or did she actually threaten them (Beat your a$$ and f*** those little biatches) former: get over it. She didn't say it to your kids and you are an adult that should understand her world has just been destroyed. Name calling is not a reason to press for an arrest ans is childish. If it is the latter then yes, she has no excuse for that. Whether you are a BS or a WS or an AP you never threaten to hurt someone's children.

 

As to custody I think some people are exaggering things a bit. Yes, there is a chance but the majority of BS don't want anything to do with a child. I couldnt handle my H ignoring their child but apprently it is more common that the BW wants the child out of site and their lives.

Edited April 2, 2014 by Fluttershy

[sweet_pea]

I think calling the cops on her for saying she was gonna beat your a** was a little bit much, especially with the context of the situation. While she shouldn't have said what she did (especially not calling children vulgar names), like many people, when we are hurt or upset or mad, we say things that we don't mean or can be over the top in our expressions.

 

I think given the situation, since she didn't beat you up the first time she saw you and knew (at the concert), she probably wasn't planning on doing so and was just letting her anger out on you. If she continually threatened you, then I would've called the cops, not after the first time. However, at the end of the day, if you truly felt in danger of your life, then you did what you felt was right.

 

I agree with everyone else… be careful about the custody thing. There are ways, as illustrated in this thread, that he can get some sort of custody of your daughter.

 

Keep us posted.

[gettingstronger]

BS here so take for what it's worth, but I did not want or need an apology from the OW, I wanted her out of my life. She intruded to the point that yes, I also got the police involved. When she crossed the line there was no me putting myself in her shoes, my own shoes were in danger. We are all adults and should act as such, we can't pick and chose what laws we follow not matter how bad we are hurting.

 

Now I understand your situation is very complicated, but I would continue to handle it with the courts period. If at some point he wants to be in his child's life deal with that then. Until then surround your child with positive adult role models and do not allow anyone to break the law.

 

Of course I have opinions and feelings on how you got yourself into this mess, but the thread is about the current behaviors only so I am only addressing those. If someone wants to open a thread on the moral issues of this situation we can address them there.

[hurtnomorerika]

Just to clarify something. The officer stated his personal opinion, however, he stated that she did break the law and from a police standpoint he would have to arrest her.

 

I asked him could he just do a report and he said he would have to press charges because there's proof of what she said and the law was broken. I didnt want to do it but oh well.

 

I mean at some point just like Im an adult, she is too and you have to know how to have some self control. She didnt get arrested because she called them b***** she got arrested because of the threat.

 

You all are not in her mind, you dont know what she's capable of doing out of hurt, anger, etc.

 

I STILL say I did the right thing, because I could be somewhere with my daughters and she pops up on me and I have to defend myself I could end up hurting her just by trying to protect us. Then what? Its no record of anything that has happened. Nope, that WONT happen. Then my kids will scared with that for the rest of their lives.

 

As far as custody, if it comes down to that. That's long as my daughter is in safe hands, being taken care of, and loved. He can have joint custody. That's fine with me. I never said I wanted to keep her away.