Dad ended 34 yr marriage to Mom by texting me.

[RoseMadder]

Hi again,

So after I outed my dad for being a cheat he and mom decided to work at their relationship etc... It lasted a week. He just wouldn't be honest with her and she knew he was lying to her because she trusts what I've told her (see earlier posts). Last Tuesday I woke up to a text - Have left. Tell mom sorry. Have cancelled standing orders. Tell mom to make sure her money doesn't go into my account. Don't call, my phone will be off.

 

What. The. F**k! So not only did he end a 34 yr marriage by text but by texting his daughter.

 

He'd obviously used the time after I outed him to get his ducks in a row so he could cause the maximum damage when he left. He emptied the accounts, cancelled the direct debits etc... He then didn't answer his calls/texts for days.

 

My moms come out fighting, she's turned into a lioness, the fact that he's gotten me involved again has turned her completely against him. She's being so calm and level-headed, no nasty business from her, just 'you wanna go? Go. We'll be fine, just don't expect to come waltzing back in when you realise you've f***ed up.' We're going to see a solicitor tomorrow.

 

My dads ow has kicked him out because of all the trouble it's causing her at work, her boss is friends with my mom, now he's got himself a little flat near where he works and is on his own.

 

I think my dad thought he could bugger off for a few weeks, mom would beg him to come back and then he could do whatever he wanted because mom would be scared to confront him incase he left again. The only problem with that is that my moms realised she's better off without him, she's come out for drinks with me at my friends, dyed her hair red (he wouldn't let her) and is getting a tattoo! I'm so proud of her! She's got her family, friends, faith and her self respect, what's he got? Even his ow doesn't want him anymore. He always was s**t at poker.

 

I'm so angry at him, is it normal for me to not want to talk/text/see him at all? The thought of seeing him makes me feel sick, it's like my dad died and some stranger is walking round in his skin. I knew they'd be a price for me to pay for outing him and I think texting me to tell mom was his way of getting revenge. It's all so sick. Sorry about the rant, I've got to be strong for mom, nan and my younger brothers who still live with mom and have taken it very badly indeed. Thus I need to vent. Thanks for reading.

[Grumpybutfun]

Hi Rose, yes, it is very normal for you to want some space and to be angry. His actions were despicable, but it really showed your mom's mettle and she is the one who needs your support right now. Soon, her anger will fade to regret and that is when she will need you.

Help her to get her solicitor in line and file the paperwork. Do whatever she has to do legally in your country to financially protect herself. Your father has abused his relationship with you for the last time. This is unacceptable behavior and you do not have to acquiesce just because he is your dad.

As a father, let me tell you that I find your fathers behavior over your entire life to be an aberration to fatherhood everywhere. My job as a father is to protect and be my little girls rock, not to intentionally cause them pain and suffering.

You and your mom deserve much better,

Grumps

[quankanne]

the way he ended it may not have been so much as revenge, as it is sheer stupidity. Think about it: He thinks things are going to work out the way he's "planned" them, only to learn that reality doesn't necessarily jibe with plans.

 

frankly, i think it's a pretty ***** way – weaselly, too – of ending his marriage, but it sounds like he wanted YOU to be the one doing his dirty work so he would just walk away clean. So yeah, I'd be totally pissed off about being treated like that, and would definitely ignore his @ss for being so immature about something like that! But don't let yourself become mired in that anger, because after a certain period, it becomes self-destructive and you only end up hurting yourself.

 

meanwhile, GO MAMA GO! Very proud of her for not falling for his shabby treatment, and for declaring her independence. I'm sorry she's having to go through this loss, but it sounds like she knows she's entitled to something better. If anything, take her lead, and put his behavior behind you once you move past the period of hurt and anger. He hasn't done anything to keep a grasp on your loyalty; it's not being a bad child or an unloving one to not want to put up with a family member's toxic (or stupid) behavior.

 

just my 2 cents ....

[Silly_Girl]

Your mum rocks! Glad you and her are there for each other. Keep on keeping on!

[mrs rubble]

Good on your mum!! Give her a huge hug from mrs rubble.

Good on you too RoseMadder!!! Hugs to you too.

Both of you stay strong now.

[RoseMadder]

Hi Rose, yes, it is very normal for you to want some space and to be angry. His actions were despicable, but it really showed your mom's mettle and she is the one who needs your support right now. Soon, her anger will fade to regret and that is when she will need you.

Help her to get her solicitor in line and file the paperwork. Do whatever she has to do legally in your country to financially protect herself. Your father has abused his relationship with you for the last time. This is unacceptable behavior and you do not have to acquiesce just because he is your dad.

As a father, let me tell you that I find your fathers behavior over your entire life to be an aberration to fatherhood everywhere. My job as a father is to protect and be my little girls rock, not to intentionally cause them pain and suffering.

You and your mom deserve much better,

Grumps

 

Thank you so much for all your support through this Grumps, you really are a kind and wise man. You've made me completely reevaluate my whole relationship with my father, I've looked at it like an outsider looking in and I'm horrified by some of the things he's done. It's been like a flood gate of things I'd forgot. The $hitty things like never coming on family days out or his constant bullying of my mom for her "woolly minded liberal views". Also some nastier stuff I'd tried my best to forget about.

 

I think it's for the best for me to have NC with my dad for the time being, I'm not ready to say to him what I want to say and I want to feel strong when I say it. I'm too angry/sad atm. If we ever have a relationship in the future he's got a lot of work to do, sadly I just don't think he's capable of doing it.

 

Thank you so much again

[RoseMadder]

Thanks everyone who's posted, I've been reading some of your posts to her telling her how much she rocks and how well she's doing and they've really given her a boost.

quankanne thanks for cheering us both up, your post was very insightful and funny, just what we needed tonight, I think moms new catchphrase is gonna be GO MAMA GO!

Thanks Silly_Girl, she literally does, in fact she was rocking out to Fleetwood Mac earlier on today

mrs rubble hugs will be distributed a.s.a.p

 

I took her to our solicitor today who is fantastic, at least 50% pit bull and things are starting to look ok. I know we've got a lot of heartache ahead but we'll look after each other, that's what family's about, how weird is it that we feel like a better family without him?

[Tayla]

Glad you are being a support towards your mother. My advice is to stay out of the marital woes entirely. Your mom needs ladies her age to confer with. There needs to be a healthy boundary drawn. She is not reliving her 20's so a bit of civility is in order. She may have gained a bit of adult freedom. As to your father, stay neutral. You are not the spouse nor as the child is it your place to intercede. Their marriage or dissolution is on them. No one here knows his side, so its entirely unwise to even choose sides. Adults who's parents are divorcing still need to preserve the kinship. Both your parents owe you an apology for drawing you into their marital drama.

[VeronicaRoss]

Rose I don't know how old you are but you are old enough to see your father with clear, adult eyes and if you and your mom are a united team -- that makes sense given his behavior.

 

I think there is something to be said for the advice to make sure your mom is going out with her friends and you are continuing to develop your own life with separate friends and interests too. Her worst venting about him shouldn't be to you. Even though you KNOW what is true, she has experienced things you really should be shielded from as you sort through this on your own too. The things that are said now can haunt forever. She is able to care for herself, you must learn how to do the same too in your own way.

 

As someone whose parents went through a total of 3 divorces by the time I was 14 I have found the anger about their behavior only took me so far. It takes a lot of energy to be angry. Anger provides emergency boosts of strengths to make big changes, to keep distance from harm when you're tempted to do something that isn't good for you. But then if you keep on fostering that 'boost', it can turn against you, even in your health. It's so much better to focus on building cool things in your life then focusing on what was wrong with them and theirs for the long term. For now, the anger will be a temporary boost.

[RoseMadder]

Glad you are being a support towards your mother. My advice is to stay out of the marital woes entirely. Your mom needs ladies her age to confer with. There needs to be a healthy boundary drawn. She is not reliving her 20's so a bit of civility is in order. She may have gained a bit of adult freedom. As to your father, stay neutral. You are not the spouse nor as the child is it your place to intercede. Their marriage or dissolution is on them. No one here knows his side, so its entirely unwise to even choose sides. Adults who's parents are divorcing still need to preserve the kinship. Both your parents owe you an apology for drawing you into their marital drama.

 

I'm sorry if I wasn't clear but the only person who's pushed boundaries has been my father, he was the person who put me in the middle of him and mom because he's too cowardly to face her himself. My moms got plenty of friends her age and they've been a great support to her, she's certainly not trying to relive her 20's, caring for my nan doesn't leave much room for a mid life crisis! She's been the definition of civil, she's not bad mouthed him to us or tried to make us pick sides, I couldn't be prouder of her.

 

I'm afraid I can't stay neutral when it comes to my father, he basically called me an unstable liar when I told mom what he'd been up to, he's threatened me and has an aggressive attitude. I know I can't change him and I don't want to, all I want is for him to be honest. As long as he's still lying about what he's been doing and continuing to gaslight my mom I don't want a relationship with him. I'm not choosing sides, I'm choosing to do what I think is best for me, I refuse to put myself in a situation I'm uncomfortable with just to make him feel better about what he's done. I honestly believe that as long as he's in denial about the anguish he's caused he'll continue to behave in a way that is detrimental to himself and anyone close to him.

[RoseMadder]

Rose I don't know how old you are but you are old enough to see your father with clear, adult eyes and if you and your mom are a united team -- that makes sense given his behavior.

 

I think there is something to be said for the advice to make sure your mom is going out with her friends and you are continuing to develop your own life with separate friends and interests too. Her worst venting about him shouldn't be to you. Even though you KNOW what is true, she has experienced things you really should be shielded from as you sort through this on your own too. The things that are said now can haunt forever. She is able to care for herself, you must learn how to do the same too in your own way.

 

As someone whose parents went through a total of 3 divorces by the time I was 14 I have found the anger about their behavior only took me so far. It takes a lot of energy to be angry. Anger provides emergency boosts of strengths to make big changes, to keep distance from harm when you're tempted to do something that isn't good for you. But then if you keep on fostering that 'boost', it can turn against you, even in your health. It's so much better to focus on building cool things in your life then focusing on what was wrong with them and theirs for the long term. For now, the anger will be a temporary boost.

 

I'm 29, hopefully old enough to have a bit of common sense

 

I agree that it's important that she has her own life, friends etc... They are supporting and advising her in a way that I can't and as you say she needs to be able to vent to someone that isn't a family member. We both have good support networks which I'm eternally grateful for, it's made things much easier to deal with.

 

I'm sorry that you went through all that, especially at such a young age, that sucks. What you say about anger is so true, it's hard bloody work! I'm not going to let myself turn into an angry, bitter person, short term it's impossible not to be angry but I CAN choose whether to dwell on things and wind myself up. I love what you said about building cool things instead of moping around, I hate all that "woe is me" crap. I've actually taken on my moms massive garden and spend every spare minute fixing it up. It's brilliant therapy! If I'm angry I hack things down or rip stuff up, when I feel good I build/paint/plant things.!