Peeved Over His Last Name

[aussietigerwolf]

I'll give up but the name but he needs to sign a consent to legally change the kids' last name to my maiden name.

 

Never heard a peep about it again.

 

hahahaha I said the same to my ex.

[Raena]

OP you'll really shake your head at me then... I was married once and divorced about 18 years ago. I still use his last name too. I don't do it to bother him, but I know it bothers his current wife. I don't know why really. He and I have no contact with each other anymore.

 

There is a reason behind why I kept it though. I was adopted as a baby. My maiden name was my adopted mother's ex-husband's last name. He never raised me, he wasn't even close to a father to me, in fact, he divorced my adopted mother right after they adopted me and the name is his family, not mine. My mother remarried right before I got divorced so she doesn't even use that last name anymore either.

 

When I got divorced, I asked my ex-husband and his parents if they minded if I kept the name. They knew why and didn't mind. Fast forward 11 years and I had a child with another man. I had every intention of marrying him but he cheated on me while I was pregnant. He and I reconciled and were pretty close to the idea of getting married again when I found out that he was cheating AGAIN.

 

So now I have a child by one man and he has his fathers name and I'm still walking around with my ex-husband's name. It is rather ridiculous, I agree.

 

Boy does this infuriate his current wife. I don't understand why. We don't circulate in the same crowds, we never come into contact with each other and my exH and I hardly ever speak to each other. Once in a blue moon he'll contact me to see how I'm doing but that's about it. The last contact was when my son was born 7 years ago. Then he INSISTED that I change it. I told him NO. I have thought about it a lot in the past year or so though. I wanted the same name as my son. I wanted to marry his father but he left me so there goes that.

 

Maybe she thinks I'm doing it to hang on to something that's been long dead and gone for so long I hardly even remember what it was like being married to him. What she doesn't realize is... it was the closest I've ever come to feeling like I belonged somewhere. I won't change it until I get remarried but I will tell you that I do identify more with this last name I currently have than I do my maiden name.

 

However... I'm really close to finding out who my biological father is. If I do in fact find him, one of the first things I will ask him is if I can change my name to his. Then I'll finally feel like all is right with the world.

 

Try not to stress that she has his name... or even that she might be doing it to hurt you. He's with YOU so it doesn't really matter and it will only eat away at you.

[trippi1432]

I agree with this. You can be bothered by it all you want, but there's nothing whatsoever that you can do about it. If she wants to keep using her married name, she can do so, and you have no power to stop her.

 

So, since you can't do anything about it, your only option is to let it go, for the sake of your own happiness. Don't let her decisions -- which, really, have no bearing on you, other than annoying you from a distance -- become your problem. Life's too short for that.

 

^^^^^ That above is the truth!! I never understood why my 1st exH's second wife was so upset and hateful when it came to me....I never bothered them, never interfered, never had anything against her....they got together a year after he and I split over one of his affairs that he knocked up. Our daughter went 7 years not knowing her father because he didn't want anything to do with her.....and it incensed his new wife to no end that I carried the same last name as her. Hello, our daughter certainly didn't need both of her parents abandon her, by name or presence (which both create the identity). I will admit, on my 2nd exH....I totally enjoyed endorsing his AP's checks that he had her send to pay his CS. (All 3 of them I got).....Wrote my married name as big as I could.....because he was technically still my husband at the time and I had the battle scars to prove it.

 

Both of these women created the drama about "me existing"....well, there is such a thing as the First Wive's Club....I've been a member twice now.

 

The thing is, you are married to him now....but regardless of that, he has a past, an exWife, children...etc.....he had a life before you came along, don't create a lot of drama over something so insignificant such as a name that you become one more life he leaves behind. Nothing can kill a marriage quicker than an overly dramatic woman ranting over something she has no control over. This is one of those things that you just have to "Let Go".

[CarrieT]

My new husband's Ex kept his name which bothers him. I was grateful that he didn't care that I didn't take his name; I've had my name for 50 years and have an established writing/artistic career with my maiden name and didn't relish trying to change it...

[lollipopspot]

My XW kept my last name, but has her maiden name on her driver's license. I asked her if she could change back to her maiden name, but she won't do it.

 

The whole issue is sort of weird. I think a last name is part of an identity, and even though people have tons of excuses for not changing it, I think a lot of revolves around not wanting to lose that identity. For me, my last name is also representative of certain qualities, and she possesses none of those qualities. So, it kinda of seems like a false representation in a way.

 

It's not a huge deal....it's just weird. In my phone contacts, I have her in there with her maiden name. That's who she is to me. She's no longer 'one of us', if that makes any sense.

 

I understand that, but some version of that is the argument also for women not changing their names in the first place. They're changing their nominal family identity that they've had for their whole lives to yours. Once you've accepted or proposed that someone change this for you and the marriage, you can't well demand it back. Probably better to not ask for or accept it in the first place and do away with the tradition.

 

Your name is your identity. The term for you is what situates you in the world. The cultural assumption that women will change their names upon marriage – the assumption that we'll even think about it, and be in a position where we make a "choice" of whether to keep our names or take our husbands' – cannot be without consequence. Part of how our brains function and make sense of a vast and confusing universe is by naming and categorizing. When women see our names as temporary or not really ours, and when we understand that part of being a woman is subsuming your own identity into our husband's, that impacts our perception of ourselves and our role in the world. It lessens the belief that our existence is valuable unto itself, and that as individuals we are already whole. It disassociates us from ourselves, and feeds into a female understanding of self as relational – we are not simply who we are, we are defined by our role as someone's wife or mother or daughter or sister.

 

Men rarely define themselves relationally. And men don't tend to change their names, or even let the thought cross their mind. Men, too, seem to realize that changing one's name has personal and professional consequences...

Why should married women change their names? Let men change theirs | Jill Filipovic | Comment is free | theguardian.com

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

I kept my married name in the divorce, despite my ex's wishes to drop it. After 10 years, I simply don't associate it to him at all. I've always hated my maiden name and never really had a relationship with my father.

 

My married name suits me and is what I'm known by so I chose to keep it. Has nothing to do with him. My ex tried to make a big fuss about me not being part of his family anymore, yada, yada, yada. So I told him that when his mother, who cheated on his father with his friend, conceived a child from the affair, then divorced him, drops the family name, then I will too. He hasn't said a word about it since.

[lollipopspot]

I'm tempted to ask my FI to change his ex's name in his phone to Kids' Mom.

 

I can't stand seeing her name with his last name come up. It just feels wrong. She's not part of his family anymore. There's something dishonest about.

 

There's something about this that rubs me the wrong way. He kept his lifelong identity. She changed hers, then is expected to switch again if they get divorced. As though women's nominal identities are expected to be fluid throughout life, but men's stay constant. I think that's a problem.

[iris219]

There's something about this that rubs me the wrong way. He kept his lifelong identity. She changed hers, then is expected to switch again if they get divorced. As though women's nominal identities are expected to be fluid throughout life, but men's stay constant. I think that's a problem.

 

Yes, men do not traditionally change their names, so that is a constant for them.

 

Women often take their husband's name when they marry. Why keep it when you are no longer married to that person?

 

Of course, I understand there are reasons; I just don't see why, other than to keep the same name as your children, why a woman would want to keep the name of a man and a family she no longer has ties to, emotionally or legally. I guess I feel like the name shouldn't become hers--not if she's no longer married.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

Yes, men do not traditionally change their names, so that is a constant for them.

 

Women often take their husband's name when they marry. Why keep it when you are no longer married to that person?

 

Of course, I understand there are reasons; I just don't see why, other than to keep the same name as your children, why a woman would want to keep the name of a man and a family she no longer has ties to, emotionally or legally. I guess I feel like the name shouldn't become hers--not if she's no longer married.

 

Why care? What impact does it REALLY have on other's lives?

 

But case in point, though not my actual names, the setup is the same:

 

Maiden name - Mary Garfunkel

Married name - Mary Jane, often referred to as both Mary and Jane, and adopted as my own personal identity.

 

Why go back to Garfunkel? Plus, there's children involved. I don't think I'll change my name even if I remarry. I love it that much.

[iris219]

Why care? What impact does it REALLY have on other's lives?

 

No impact. It's entirely emotional and illogical.

[amaysngrace]

That about sums it up.

 

I now have the ex in my phone as "Kids Mother"

 

You're more respectful than I am. In my phone their dad is "jackass"

[lollipopspot]

I guess I feel like the name shouldn't become hers--not if she's no longer married.

 

That's saying that it wasn't really hers when she changed it, if she doesn't get to keep it regardless of what happens - she was only borrowing it, as long as the marriage was working.

 

Why any woman would want to be in that nominal limbo is beyond me.

 

Like she's somehow unrightfully keeping the identity she's gone by for however many years.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

No impact. It's entirely emotional and illogical.

 

So is the annoyance and stress over someone still carrying it.

[Raena]

You're more respectful than I am. In my phone their dad is "jackass"

 

Funny.... mine says the same for my son's father...

 

/cheers

[Raena]

So is the annoyance and stress over someone still carrying it.

 

I'm with you on this... seems like our stories are kind of similar. I keep mine too and will continue to do so until I find a good reason to change it. It's been my identity for 20 years now... most people I know, know me by this name, it's all over every degree I've received, professional certification, etc. To change it now would be a huge pain in the behind.

 

And in the end... who is it really hurting that I keep it? Not me, not him, no one. (except the new wife) Plenty of people have the same last name and are not related to or family with each other. So what difference does it make.

[Anela]

There's something about this that rubs me the wrong way. He kept his lifelong identity. She changed hers, then is expected to switch again if they get divorced. As though women's nominal identities are expected to be fluid throughout life, but men's stay constant. I think that's a problem.

 

So do I. I like my name, so would most likely keep it, or hyphenate.

 

I think if the man was happy for the woman to take his name in the first place, then she has every right to keep it. This isn't musical chairs.

[Anela]

 

It's not a huge deal....it's just weird. In my phone contacts, I have her in there with her maiden name. That's who she is to me. She's no longer 'one of us', if that makes any sense.

 

That's pretty sad. I've heard from some people getting divorced, that they were sad to feel like they were losing their extended family, too. That's a big hole to fill, if they'd been happy with that family.

[Anela]

I'm tempted to ask my FI to change his ex's name in his phone to Kids' Mom.

 

I can't stand seeing her name with his last name come up. It just feels wrong. She's not part of his family anymore. There's something dishonest about.

 

I don't mean to be a downer - I'm glad that you've met someone you love, and are engaged and happy - but what if it was you in her place?

[Anela]

Threads like this bother me, because it reminds me of the way that some women treat each other over men. You don't think of what it's like to be on the receiving end of what the ex is going through. The ex might be trying to cause trouble, but pteromom has it right that the best thing is to just ignore it. I don't think that most people start out marriages, thinking that it will end in anywhere from a year to ten years. I don't see having a man's last name as a status symbol, either.

[SolG]

Shortly after my xH and I married, he asked me when I was changing my name to his. I said never... Why would I trade a perfectly serviceable, familiar and loved name for another just because I was married? And we proceeded to argue about it for years! This is one of those things I've counselled my daughter to discuss well before considering marriage with someone.

 

After our daughter was born, we struck a compromise; I hyphenated my name (he kept his). My daughter has his last name, and mine as a middle one.

 

When xH and I separated, my daughter asked me to keep my hyphenated name. She is now in her twenties, and still feels the same way (we discussed it again only last week). So keep it I will! It has actually also grown on me over the years, and I can't see myself ever changing it again.

 

If xH and I ever divorce and he remarries, I still won't be changing it. Because it's now 'my' name, not his.

[iris219]

I don't mean to be a downer - I'm glad that you've met someone you love, and are engaged and happy - but what if it was you in her place?

 

She's thrilled to be divorced and dating someone else. She was never close to his family and she doesn't miss them and they don't miss her. The last several years of their marriage they spent holidays separately because she didn't want to be around him or his family (who are perfectly pleasant people).

 

If I was her, I'd want my old identity (maiden name) back since I never identified with his last name anyway and was happy to be out of his life and his family.

 

The issue is not something that causes me strife on a daily basis. It's just something that, when the topic came up, I gave my feelings on, which as I said before are based on emotion rather than logic.

 

It doesn't seem fair to me to have to share my last name with his ex. She should think about how I feel. I've read articles where the former wife DID feel bad for keeping the last name after her ex got remarried and finally changed it.

[SolG]

I'm tempted to ask my FI to change his ex's name in his phone to Kids' Mom.

 

I can't stand seeing her name with his last name come up. It just feels wrong. She's not part of his family anymore. There's something dishonest about.

 

Not part of his family anymore? Sorry, as the mother of our child, I will always be part of his family, and he mine. I would be sad to see it any other way, and my xH would too.

 

His parents visit me. He's going to stay with my brother and family when in their city later this month. Heck, our daughter and I are going to stay with xH next week to catch up for his birthday! Marriages may cease, but all the associated relationships morph into new (hopefully supportive and respectful) ones. Including the relationship between the xpartners as well. They don't really end.

 

Names are names are names. I say wear the one you want, and respect other's choices to wear the one they want too.

[SoleMate]

Should I be bothered by the fact that my husband's ex wife still uses his last name?

No, you should not.

[Babolat]

Should I be bothered by the fact that my husband's ex wife still uses his last name? Furthermore she's the one who filed for divorce on three occasions.

 

She uses the last name when it is convenient and beneficial for her otherwise she resorts to using her maiden name.

 

I don't want to hear about how his ex wife and my husband have a child in common so that's the reason why she keeps his last name. If that was the case, what about her other children that live in the same household?

 

She has asked the court restore her maiden name; however she still continues to use my husband's last name. The cherry on the top, they were married for about a good solid year.

First wife kept my last name until she remarried. Did not bother me at all. 2nd wife changed her last name "on paper" like 2 weeks after I moved out, which I thought was funny as it was not her legal name. She was even signing documents with her maiden name when legally, her last name was still mine. I saw it as yet anothe rimmature stupid thing she did, kind of a "look at me" I don't need him anymore, is how I saw it.

 

I was actually happy because I don't like the woman anymore.

 

To answer your question, no, you should not be bothered. You can't control what she does, and by giving it energy/attention you are only causing your own anxiety.

Edited April 24, 2014 by Babolat