Degenerating Cycle

[Warped]

I'll try to keep this short, but I have 10+ years to explain. Thanks in advance to those who take time to read this. I appreciate any insight that is offered.

 

I met my wife just over 10 years ago. We met in December, started seeing each other in January, officially became boyfriend/ girlfriend in February, got engaged in April and married in August. Pretty rapid fire, isn't it? When I met her, she was 20 and I was 19. She was pregnant at the time, with a baby from her ex boyfriend that she put up for adoption. The first time I saw her, I immediately thought "this is the woman I am going to marry." This scared the crap out of me, because I had never even thought about marriage before I met her.

 

When we first started dating, she would push me away a lot. By this I mean she would do things like sleep in the same bed with me, snuggled up, at her instigation, then tell me she just wanted to be friends the next day. She would also get mad at things like me hugging a female friend after she had a nasty breakup. I probably should have figured that her behavior would confuse me throughout our relationship. From the second time we met, we were together except when I was at work or school.

 

In February, after we became official, everything started going perfectly. We moved to a new city together shortly there after. Things continued going great. Then in August, we got married. On our wedding night, she didn't want to have sex because "what's the difference, we have been having sex for months now". Of course this devastated me.

 

A month or so later, we were going to bed when she suddenly burst out in tears. She then told me that she had another child, prior to us meeting, which I had been introduced to as her little sister. Her parents had adopted her first child. Neither of the pregnancies bothered me, but the fact that she didn't disclose the first one earlier did kind of bug me.

 

Fast forward about a year and a half. Things have been going great, but I am now in boot-camp. I am on the other side of the country from my wife, with intermittent letters and very rare phone calls as our only communication. The mail was intermittent because of the Army and we were only allowed about 6 phone calls home over the course of about 15 weeks. 2 of those being in the first week. I should probably mention that my wife, on several occasions prior to shipping out, would say things like "don't cheat on me". Mind you I was in infantry boot-camp, which is all male. She and I both knew that infidelity would not be an issue on my side.

 

Around the 2nd to last week, we get a coveted call home. My wife had been staying at my mom's, so that we could save up for a house. I call, but am informed that no one knows where my wife is. Apparently, she had spent the night in a hotel with two guys and my sister had found out. In my wife's defense, she said that there were lots of people there all night, not just her and the 2 guys. Of course, I have no way of verifying this. (Which I believe to be the start of our issues.) I find out that she has been going out every night for the past month or so, usually not coming home until dawn. After my sister confronted her, she moved out and bought a car with our house money. I finally get a hold of her, while I am still in boot-camp, and she informs me that she wants a divorce. I manage to talk her into picking me up from the airport when I came home. We talked for several hours that night, but nothing was really resolved. The next night, we talked some more and she told me she wanted to be with me still, she just got scared of what I would think and what my family would tell me.

 

Things go good again for a couple of years and we have our incredible son. Then about 3 years ago, she all of a sudden becomes completely distant. I continually try to talk to her and find out what is wrong, but all I get is "back off" or "I need some space". Ever since then, things have been really off and on. We have some really good time and we have some very tense times. Our sex life is sporadic at best and does not seem to be as satisfying as it used to be for either of us. I know that each time things get rough, I get more messed up trying to figure out a way to fix things. I get paranoid that she is cheating on me. I see a bunch of little things and link the together when I probably would not have noticed them before things got bad. Tonight for example, I was trying to find a page I had visited earlier and noticed that my wife had looked up a phone number on the net. The person was an old coworker of hers. Just out of curiosity, I checked her cell phone call logs, which had been cleared earlier today. Now I get paranoid, "Why is she erasing her call logs? Why is she calling this girl that she always talks bad about?"

 

I know I am hyper sensitive to things that are probably nothing, but I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like she is just trying to placate me when we talk about our issues. It feels like she is just saying what she things I want to hear. She will promise to not push me away when I hug her, but a couple of days later, things are back to before. I know that I am not helping things because I don't want to talk about them anymore, because it seems like it just makes things worse in the long run. So then I internalize everything, which just messes me up more, makes me cranky/ moody/ depressed/ introverted/ etc. Plus I then stew on whatever issue is going on and get more upset by it.

 

I realize this is very long winded, but I feel better putting it in words. If anyone has any advice at all, please reply. I don't know what to do anymore, and it is driving me crazy. I love my wife with all my heart. Despite everything that has happened over the years, my love has never waned. I can honestly say that I love her more everyday. I think that is what makes this so hard. Thanks again for letting me vent.

[Ladyjane14]

Your wife seems to be a fairly secretive person. She also seems to be capable at times of making impetuous choices....some of them poor ones. She has a history of closing you out, or walking out when when called to accountability.

 

It's no wonder that you are feeling insecure in the relationship.

 

I can't imagine that you will have much success in repairing the marriage without counseling. I don't think these problems will resolve on their own. The two of you are at such different perspectives.

 

She doesn't trust you if she's keeping secrets from you. You can't trust her because she is keeping secrets from you. That cycle must be overcome. Intimacy and trust have to be rebuilt.

 

Marriage counseling can offer structure and guidance. It can help you both to see the other's point of view, and give you practical ways to improve your communications.

[Warped]

You have confirmed what I already suspected. I don't know if I could talk her into it though. Like you said, she is secrective, there for not willing to share her personal life with others. Any ideas on where to find a good counselor? I hate to say, but I don't know if we can afford it either. Thanks for the post, I feel a little less crazy about how I feel.

[Ladyjane14]

Most health insurance companies provide at least some mental health benefits. The best way to find out what coverage you might have is to call the member services phone number that is printed on your card.

 

They can give you a summary of your benefits, and also a list of preferred providers.

 

It often takes a couple of weeks to get the appointment. Sometimes that is due to scheduling and sometimes it is due to the insurance authorization process. So don't be discouraged if it takes awhile.

 

I think that you could probably get a little more cooperation from your wife if you presented the idea as something that you need to do. If she refuses, go by yourself. You'd be surprised at how much you can get accomplished. The therapist may also have ideas for ways to get your wife on-board.