unsure about how to proceed...

[adrift_at_sea]

hi guys, i need some advice about my current situation. I sorta know what i want and where things may be headed, but I would just like to see if anyone else has been in a similar situation who can offer me some words of wisdom or caution.

 

OK, so I'll set the background first. Im 25 and shes 24. I'm about 4 months out of a 3year r/ship. She is about 1 year out of her last r/ship - a 3.5 year one. We've known each other for almost a year now, but only became close after my breakup.

 

So for 3 months now we've become very close and have fallen head over heels for each other. We can talk about anything and everything, and we feel so

good when we're together. However, we've been forced to keep this whole thing quiet because one of my friends also has feelings for her, and because I'm still kind of fresh out of my previous r/ship (i dont want my ex to get upset).

 

Another major issue preventing her from wanting to take this to the next stage is her ex. He has got a problem with depression (on medication) and is very needy/dependant. She feels obliged to stick with him to see him through this, and so is always on call and sees him at least once a week. I trust her when she says there is nothing more going on, but she talks about him all the time, especially about their "good times" together.

 

I think she is unwittingly doing it and doesnt know how it irks me when she does it, BUT the main issue is that they've been apart for a year now but he still takes up sooo much of her time. Even just recently, when she told him she was with me, he started firing off a million questions (like what we're up to etc) like he was her father. I have told her that I understand her situation with him and I wont let it get in the way of us being together (because I trust her), but Im starting to get frustrated by it all. Am I being selfish in regards to the ex? Or is this a red flag staring me in the face?

 

Another thing that has got me worried is that she wants to relocate overseas some time in the next year. She wants to get this travel bug out of the way before she really settles down, and whilst I completely understand this, should I be allowing myself to get into something serious knowing that she might be going away? I know its very stupid of me to think this way so early (who knows what may happen between now and then), but I guess Im just trying to weigh up everything now and if it doesnt look like its going to happen, I want to stop it before it starts.

 

So does anyone have any insight into my situation or perhaps a crystal ball? Please help me!!!!

 

Thankyou in advance.

[bicyclejunk]

who's more important, you're friend? or this girl? Who found her

first? Who's hitting it off better with her? IF she doesn;t like

your friend, and she likes you, then there should be NO problem.

Proceed.

 

Why would you care about your ex's feeling about you dating

someone else, She should be out of the picture.

 

If it feels right go for it, If she's too hung up on her ex because

he's a depressive or she feels bad or you feel bad because

he's a depressive, and now YOU two are dating, that's silly.

 

An EX is an EX. We all move on in this life.

[adrift_at_sea]

Thanks for your reply, bicyclejunk.

 

I care about what my ex thinks because the reason I broke up with her was so that I can experience single life again. I felt smothered and so told her I didnt want a r/ship with her or anyone else for a while. I made sure the breakup was complete and asked her to move on but said that who knows, we could get back together later on down the track. I didnt expect to be in this current situation so soon, and because I know my ex is still hung up over me, I dont want to hurt her any more so soon.

 

I guess the main thing I want to know is do I have a right to feel frustrated by her dependant ex? She admitted to me that he has wanted to rekindle their r/ship a few months back, and this plays on my mind constantly. How much of his constant attention seeking of her should I reasonably be willing to accept?

 

Does anyone else have an opinion on this?

[Magus]

Hell yeah, you have every right to feel frustrated.

Like bicyclejunk said, she's his ex. They split up for a reason. They should stay split up.

I also think you gave your ex a REALLY phony excuse to break up. "I felt smothered and so told her I didnt want a r/ship with her or anyone else for a while." Come on man. Wouldn't the REAL reason be that you just wanted to try someone else for a little while? After all, you did know this other girl while you were "with" your ex. I can understand not wanting to hurt her feelings, BUT you shouldn't have strung her along like you did by saying "Who knows, we could get back together later on down the track.". An ex is an ex for a reason man. Stand by your decision, be honest with yourself. The rest would then fall into place.

 

holla, holla, holla playa!

[adrift_at_sea]

Hi Magus, I honestly didn't want to get into another r/ship when I broke up with my ex, but I guess I can see what you mean. I just didnt think it would be so soon that I've ended up with someone else. Also, I dont believe I strung my ex along because I also told her that there was something missing in the r/ship and that I couldnt see myself married with her.

 

Anyhow, thank you very much for your advice.

 

ps, im not a playa!

[Magus]

It's all good man.

I was jus tryin out a new "Farewell".

Say, you think these forums are a lil too sphincter-like(read anal)?

So many people taking "love" too seriously.

Ain't "love" supposed to make you feel all good inside?

I remember when I was younger, love felt GREAT.

These forums don't seem very productive to the fun side of love.

Lotsa people complaining about "what if...this" or "what if... that". Honestly man, these people NEED to sit back n enjoy the ride.

Relationships are alot of work, don't get me wrong. Their worth the work too. Even if they end in heartache. Thing is though, they dont just happen over night. They evolve over YEARS, they require patients, nuturing, n other stuff. Way too much to solve overnight.

 

None the less. Good luck man.

 

(damn, after previewing this I sound like I'm on a soapbox. oh well.)

[adrift_at_sea]

I suppose the only time people would come here would be if they had problems which they couldn't think through themselves. The anonymity is great, and the advice you get from people is usually helpful.

 

Yes, love should be fun and you should be able to sit back and enjoy the ride, but that is such an easy thing to say. This patience and nurturing you speak of is certainly a big part of what will make a loving, long-term r/ship, but you can't reasonably expect to go through the whole ride without any bumps at all.

 

So get off your soapbox!