Boyfriend's best friend's girlfriend is hot- I'm jealous! :-/

[Sweeetie]

Hi all,

 

I have a bit of an unnecessary problem which is all down to my insecurity.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months now. Although he does tell me I'm pretty, I sometimes feel as though he's not that attracted to me; it's a case where actions speak louder than words. His best friend has recently got a new girlfriend, and she happens to be quite an attractive young woman- a very hot girl. When we were first introduced to her I noticed the way my boyfriend's eyes lingered on her for a bit longer than they should. But that's not my issue.

 

My issue is that his best friend is always so affectionate with his new girlfriend when we are all out. He's always holding her close, sitting with his hand on her leg, etc. I know that their relationship is only new, but what is making me jealous is the fact that my boyfriend was never like this with me towards the start of our relationship or even now. As early as the second date, he was checking out a hot waitress when we were at a bar. He checked out other women several times as we were getting together, but after heated arguments about this he does not do it anymore. The way that his best friend looks at his girl and the desire he has for this hot young woman is something I could never win myself from my own boyfriend. I couldn't imagine his best friend's eyes straying away from his girl to look at other women who wouldn't match up to her, the way my boyfriend did with me.

 

This frustration of mine of 'if I was as hot as his best friend's girl, my boyfriend might have been more affectionate with me/ kept his eyes on me on dates' is making me quite uncomfortable to be in the same place as his best friend and his girl. And it has also led to a few arguments between me and my boyfriend where I have brought up the fact that he was never as affectionate with me as his best friend is towards his girl, how I feel that his best friend is more attracted to his girl than my boyfriend is towards me. My boyfriend just gets the wrong end of the stick and thinks I'm in love with his best friend, which is not the case at all. I am envious of the attraction and affection he displays for his girlfriend.

 

Advice? :-/

Edited April 3, 2014 by Sweeetie

[Chi townD]

If you're frustrated by the lack of attention or affection from your boyfriend, then why don't you break up with him. I mean, I only see two options. Either tell him how you feel and what you like to see changed, or break up with him and find someone that doesn't mind a little PDA.

[Keenly]

Its not really fair to place the same dating operational expectations on one man that another man uses.

 

Obviously your boyfriends best friend has a more physical, more affectionate M.O. when dating, especially in a brand new relationship.

 

It's not really fair to look at how his best friend operates, and then get upset that your boyfriend doesn't operate the same way. He is how he is. You need to love him as such, or let your desire fester and turn into resentment.

 

I mean... dating style's are not something you can just ask some one to change.

[stillafool]

OP, imagine how you would feel if your bf compared you to his best friends girl. I don't think you'd like it very much. You can't expect your bf to act like his best friend and vice versa.

[Sweeetie]

Its not really fair to place the same dating operational expectations on one man that another man uses.

 

Obviously your boyfriends best friend has a more physical, more affectionate M.O. when dating, especially in a brand new relationship.

 

It's not really fair to look at how his best friend operates, and then get upset that your boyfriend doesn't operate the same way. He is how he is. You need to love him as such, or let your desire fester and turn into resentment.

 

I mean... dating style's are not something you can just ask some one to change.

 

I've thought about that and it's a valid point. It's just that all along I have felt that my boyfriend really isn't all that attracted to me, and this circumstance just enhances that feeling.

 

OP, imagine how you would feel if your bf compared you to his best friends girl. I don't think you'd like it very much. You can't expect your bf to act like his best friend and vice versa.

 

That's true. But I don't aim to compare him with other guys. I'm just down because I feel his friend is more attracted to his girl than my boyfriend is to me.

[Spectre]

Let me put it to you this way: you aren't dating his friend, you are dating him. It would be very hurtful to me if my girlfriend essentially told me to start acting more like my friend. Do you want to be with your boyfriend or his friend?

[d0nnivain]

Your BF simply isn't as tactile as his buddy. You could be hotter than his buddy's new GF & he still would be himself -- not touchy & with a wandering eye.

[Leigh 87]

Sweetie,

 

I actually think you have a valid problem.

 

Your guy may just not be the type of guy to ever go "crazy" over a girl, he may avoid the girls he has passionate about because they tend to never be good partners; instead, he goes for the smart, solid and reliable chicks with the "good personalities"

 

OR, maybe his version of being madly in love does NOT include affection in public?

 

Look, there are different sorts of love and some men feel differently about their partners to the way their best friends feel about their partners...

 

I agree that you can just tell by the way a guy "looks" at a girl.

 

You do not have that passionate, hot, fiery sort of love where your boyfriend only has eyes for you.

 

You do not need to be gorgeous for that love to begin; I had it on date one with my boyfriend, he looks at me adoringly, he is not HUGE on PDA but he does hold me and make it known that he is really into me when in public.

 

There IS something wrong in my opinion, when the way another man gazes at HIS girl, bothers you; you are clearly the sort of woman (like me!), who needs that guy who is smitten with you!

 

There is nothing wrong with wanting a guy who is really into you and who only has eyes for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

IGNORE peoples remarks about YOU being the unreasonable one here, I cannot believe people have the audacity to tell you that it is "wrong" of you to simply want a guy who stares adoringly at you and who CLEARLY makes it known that he is nuts about you through his actions AND words.........

 

It is not uncommon to find a man who truly does stare at you with utter attraction and lust, that turns into true love as time goes on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I would dump your bf if I were in your predicament, because I KNOW what it is like for a man to not gaze at you with the passion he uses for OTHER women who he is clearly MORE attracted to and into....

[Leigh 87]

Your BF simply isn't as tactile as his buddy. You could be hotter than his buddy's new GF & he still would be himself -- not touchy & with a wandering eye.

 

 

 

 

 

Good point, but is it so wrong of her to WANT a man who looks at her adoringly and makes HER feel like she is the only woman he has eyes for?

 

 

She has picked a man who doesn't share this love language, or whatever it is you call it....

 

 

Long term, it wears thin when you pick a man who doesn't show you his love in the way in which you intrinsically prefer.

 

 

I am like the OP and I cannot feel secure or truly happy with a man who doesn't gaze at me with a sparkle in his eye... and who doesn't share a few kisses with me when out with friends in a crowed place.....

 

 

 

 

 

I am 27 and I know what I want from a man and I have picked things that I know are not too unrealistic to find.

 

....it is not uncommon to find a guy who will gaze at you longingly and SHOW how into you he is through his facial expressions and also, a man who will give affection even in public.

 

I had to reject over half the men who asked me on a date but hey, I am still quick to find men I spark with and whom DO " look at me" in THAT way, at he EXCLUSION of looking at OTHER women:sick:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I HATED how my ex would hungrily gaze at other younger, better looking girls than me... women with naturally more petite bodies that I could never achieve short making my bones smaller.......

 

Model look alikes have walked past my bf and I and he does not even look up at them. He is SO uninterested.

 

I held out a little longer and found a guy like this ^^^ because I knew I would not be happy with another guy like the OP'S

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The OP should admittedly be more aware of what type of a guy she wants, and go after him, since settling for a guy like her bf, who MAY be an outstanding partner in all other areas yet who makes he perpetually empty/unhappy

[amaysngrace]

Insecurities suck. You just have to say F it and realized that there are some things that you just have no control over.

 

Stop taking your insecurities out on your BF and trying to make him feel less than his buddy simply because you feel less than his buddy's girl.

 

That's so uncool.

[Keenly]

Leigh, you tend to take your personal feelings about relationships and love, and your personal experience with your boyfriend, and apply it to the entire world , which is unfair .

 

I'm really glad that it worked out that way for you, especially because that seems to be how you are wired, but you can not then place that experience on the rest of the entire world.

relationships develop differently for different people, and what's good for the goose is most certainly not good for the gander. Your " strategy? " for lack of a better word, is not going to work the same way for everyone.

 

 

As I said before in the previous post, people love differently. Especially men. Some men are gushy and romantic, some are stone cold. This does NOT mean that the stoic man does not love his woman because he is not an affectionate person, and the guy that doesn't stare at his girl like she is made out of solid gold doesn't love her.

 

Its completely unfair to claim you know how person A feels about person B because of how you personally are wired.

 

 

The OPs boyfriend seems less affectionate and less romantic than his friend, but that is just how he is. It does NOT mean that he cares about her any less than the affectionate type of guy. That would be a really broad, sweeping generalization that we all want to try and avoid .

[Spectre]

Sweetie,

 

I actually think you have a valid problem.

 

Your guy may just not be the type of guy to ever go "crazy" over a girl, he may avoid the girls he has passionate about because they tend to never be good partners; instead, he goes for the smart, solid and reliable chicks with the "good personalities"

 

OR, maybe his version of being madly in love does NOT include affection in public?

 

Look, there are different sorts of love and some men feel differently about their partners to the way their best friends feel about their partners...

 

I agree that you can just tell by the way a guy "looks" at a girl.

 

You do not have that passionate, hot, fiery sort of love where your boyfriend only has eyes for you.

 

You do not need to be gorgeous for that love to begin; I had it on date one with my boyfriend, he looks at me adoringly, he is not HUGE on PDA but he does hold me and make it known that he is really into me when in public.

 

There IS something wrong in my opinion, when the way another man gazes at HIS girl, bothers you; you are clearly the sort of woman (like me!), who needs that guy who is smitten with you!

 

There is nothing wrong with wanting a guy who is really into you and who only has eyes for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

IGNORE peoples remarks about YOU being the unreasonable one here, I cannot believe people have the audacity to tell you that it is "wrong" of you to simply want a guy who stares adoringly at you and who CLEARLY makes it known that he is nuts about you through his actions AND words.........

 

It is not uncommon to find a man who truly does stare at you with utter attraction and lust, that turns into true love as time goes on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I would dump your bf if I were in your predicament, because I KNOW what it is like for a man to not gaze at you with the passion he uses for OTHER women who he is clearly MORE attracted to and into....

 

You sound..very angry for some reason. I don't know what has been done to you by dudes in the past, but this girls boyfriend is not the one who did it. This whole thing is a bit silly, not everyone is the same. Saying you can tell just by the way a guy "looks" at a girl is the only audacious thing I see in this thread.

 

I am not trying to hurt your feelings, but this somewhat comes off as a crazy rant by someone who gets mad if her boyfriend so much as looks at another female in her presence.

[Leigh 87]

You sound..very angry for some reason. I don't know what has been done to you by dudes in the past, but this girls boyfriend is not the one who did it. This whole thing is a bit silly, not everyone is the same. Saying you can tell just by the way a guy "looks" at a girl is the only audacious thing I see in this thread.

 

I am not trying to hurt your feelings, but this somewhat comes off as a crazy rant by someone who gets mad if her boyfriend so much as looks at another female in her presence.

 

 

 

 

I am not angry. I have a great boyfriend and due to my past, I tend to be able to pick the men who lose interest in ogling other women ONCE they meet a girl they are into.

 

 

 

 

 

And I had an ex who blatantly checked out other women, so no I am not a "crazy" chick who gets mad if my guy watches porn and masturbates over other women.....

 

 

 

What I do not tolerate are men who ogle other women while I am present!

 

 

 

The OP'S guy checked out other women from date ONE!

 

 

 

This is totally not okay with me.

 

 

 

 

If it is cool that your partner checks out other people in front of you, that is totally fine! I have nothing against it.

 

 

FOR ME it is not okay though, and the OP sounds like me.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, you tend to take your personal feelings about relationships and love, and your personal experience with your boyfriend, and apply it to the entire world , which is unfair .

 

I'm really glad that it worked out that way for you, especially because that seems to be how you are wired, but you can not then place that experience on the rest of the entire world.

relationships develop differently for different people, and what's good for the goose is most certainly not good for the gander. Your " strategy? " for lack of a better word, is not going to work the same way for everyone.

 

 

As I said before in the previous post, people love differently. Especially men. Some men are gushy and romantic, some are stone cold. This does NOT mean that the stoic man does not love his woman because he is not an affectionate person, and the guy that doesn't stare at his girl like she is made out of solid gold doesn't love her.

 

Its completely unfair to claim you know how person A feels about person B because of how you personally are wired.

 

 

The OPs boyfriend seems less affectionate and less romantic than his friend, but that is just how he is. It does NOT mean that he cares about her any less than the affectionate type of guy. That would be a really broad, sweeping generalization that we all want to try and avoid .

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have read about relationship for years, so I am not pulling this information out of my own ass.

 

 

I also observe relationships in my daily life a lot.

 

 

 

I notice different relationship styles. I know very well that stoic men can be just as in love with their partners as the touchy feely men.

 

 

 

A trend I HAVE noticed is that a LOT of "stoic" men DO NOT always necessarily check out other women in front of their partner!

 

 

 

Stoic men can also show a lack of interest in other women's beauty when their partner is RIGHT in front of them.

 

 

Keenly, it is about the OP and what SHE wants.... Each girl is best suited a certain type of a guy...

 

 

 

Girls like me and the OP it seems, prefer a man who gazes adoringly at us, and who enjoys the odd kiss in public.

 

 

 

The OP is simply not suited to the type of man who doesn't show enough passion for he.

 

 

 

 

Girls like the OP tend to prefer a man who acts in the way that her bfs best friend does.

 

 

 

 

SHAME ON ALL OF YOU who make out that there is something WRONG with a girl who PREFERS men who do not gawk at other women while their gf is RIGHT next to them:sick:

 

 

 

 

The OP wants what she wants! Without having a ridiculously high list of expectations, a woman can very well FAVOUR a man who shows affection in the way in which the OPS best friend does, OVER a man like the OP'S boyfriend.

 

 

 

 

 

I have the type of boyfriend who other people look at and think " wow she is a lucky girl" because he makes it so obvious that he is very attracted to me and in love with me.

 

 

 

 

 

NOT all women want what I have! Many women prefer a man who is more low key with the way he demonstrates his love!

 

 

 

 

 

I am not saying my style suits every ones, however, the OP sounds very much like me, she doesn't seem happy with a man who doesn't ..... " look at her in that way".

 

 

 

 

 

It is all about selecting those who meet your criteria.

 

 

 

The OP's guy simply isn't compatible with her when it comes to relationships and the way in which he makes her feel in a relationship

[xxoo]

Try not to compare your relationship with others. You never see the full picture from the outside anyway.

 

Focus on your own relationship. Does he clearly want you? If not, why are you with him?

[Leigh 87]

Have you talked to your boyfriend about his checking out other women. I think it's ok. Happens with all men and is quite harmless. Try not to be jealous or compare your relationship with that of others. They will always be better or worse than yours

 

 

 

 

 

NOT all men check out women in front of their girlfriends, especially on the SECOND date.

 

 

Some men only have eyes for their girlfriends and use occasional porn.

 

 

However, there are some other guys who when they masturbate, they think of anything BUT their partner for a "change", since they "see their woman every DAY and so WHY would they think of HER when they are jerking off"?

 

Sorry to be graphic, but this is the exact conversation I had with a guy a couple of years back. He had a model girlfriend. He STILL thought of other women more than he did HER, as his preferred means of " alone adult" time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The OP, sweetie, sounds like she is the most happy and content in a relationship when the man HOWS her he is into her/adores her/loves her through things like: lovingly gazing at her, 'looking at her" in "that way", making her feel attractive and gorgeous to him..........

 

 

 

Some woman cannot merely "get over" it, and accept their partners for the way they are; there is sometimes a fundamental mismatch as to HOW both parties express and crave love.

 

 

 

 

SOME women do not care if men check out other women. When their girlfriend is watching.

 

 

Other women DO care. I am one of them. I like my guys to make me feel like I am the only girl for them, even though they do probably masturbate to porn every now and again.

[Keenly]

Leigh, please explain to me.the difference between a man looking at another woman in front of his girlfriend and thinking " I wish my girlfriend was like that " and a woman looking at another mans actions and saying " I wish my boyfriend was like that. " .

 

 

 

Is she not guilty of the same thing you are advocating?

 

 

( I don't think OP is guilty of anything, I only believe your premise flawed and slightly on the pay calling the kettle black side, that's all )

[Spectre]

so no I am not a "crazy" chick who gets mad if my guy watches porn and masturbates over other women.....

 

I am not trying to insult you, but what you just said here doesn't exactly seem to fit with the overall tone of the rest of your posts in this thread.

[Leigh 87]

I am not trying to insult you, but what you just said here doesn't exactly seem to fit with the overall tone of the rest of your posts in this thread.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know how I feel and you don't. If you would like to continue to tell me what I must be thinking, be my guest.

 

 

 

Look, I ram telling you what I think and how I feel.

 

 

I am far from bitter since I have a guy who is crazy about me, unlike most women who have men who settle for them for comfort and stability.

 

 

 

I feel very lucky. I pretty much feel the.. polar opposite to bitter.

 

 

 

 

I simply prefer men who only have eyes for me and who do not check out other women in front of me:lmao:

 

 

 

 

How is now wanting a man to check out other women in FRONT of me, "bitter"?

 

 

 

 

I don't care if men look at porn. I do prefer men who are so into ME though that they favour thinking of me and how attracted they are to me opposed to porn rubbish.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I had an ex who venerated the whole " omg I have had a threesome" mindset and tried to employ it in our own relationship.

 

 

 

....So come on, I accommodated a guy who liked threesomes with me (even though I did not, the ONE I did tri with me), he browsed ONLINE for other women, and he OPENLY GAWKED at other women IN FRONT of me.

 

 

 

^^^^^^^^^ I did not even have a go at him for checking out other women, so yeah, I am far from the "crazy" girl who fits that bill....

 

 

 

I think I have been very tolerant of men who have ogled other women in front of me; while I never went crazy at them, I HAVE to admit that I MUCH prefer my current boyfriend who is the type of guy where.....

 

 

 

Basically, after my ex, I picked a guy who I knew was the type of guy who, once with a girl, will NOT look at other women.

 

 

 

 

There are plenty of men who only have eyes for their own woman. I urge the OP to find a man like my boyfriend, because she DOES NOT seam like the type who will just readily accept and embrace the way her bf looks at other women!

 

 

 

 

 

OP said he ogled women on their SECOND date. Again, I NEVER went crazy at my ex for CONSTANTLY ogling other women, but it is now my prerogative to seek out men who only have eyes for me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am giving the OP advice based on my experience; I can tell that she is more like me rather than the type of women who absolutely take no issue with their boyfriends glancing at hotter women.

[Spectre]

Look, like I said, you just come off as angry. I am not saying I know how you feel, I am just trying to get you to see how it might look to other people. Just..maybe I am having a hard time explaining this, but..the way you space out the things you say, and typing a lot of things in caps and/or bolding the letters..I don't know, it just comes off as angry. Then..your avatar, I don't know if that is you or not, but the woman there looks very beautiful, but also very angry so when you combine all those factors...

 

Maybe it is just me, I am just trying to give the vibe. It's hard to judge over just text. I'm not saying I know how I feel better then you do, I believe you if you say you aren't angry, I'm just pointing out how it seems to come off.

[BDL]

OP you deserve a guy who is head over heels in love with you for who you are, one who shows you physical affection. A good guy will consciously refrain from checking out other women. Thats just so unclassy and uncool.

 

You need to work on your insecurities. They will shut down and drive guys away. And having arguments over them with shut down any guy and drive them away.

 

I don't know, but your relationship seems incompatible.

[Spectre]

OP you deserve a guy who is head over heels in love with you for who you are, one who shows you physical affection. A good guy will consciously refrain from checking out other women. Thats just so unclassy and uncool.

 

You need to work on your insecurities. They will shut down and drive guys away. And having arguments over them with shut down any guy and drive them away.

 

I don't know, but your relationship seems incompatible.

 

I disagree to an extent. Some guys might check out other women, but would never ever dream of doing anything more then that. It all depends on the person. The simple fact is not everyone shows affection the same way and there can be a vast number of reasons as to why this is. If she wants her boyfriend to make her feel more loved/attractive that is perfectly fine, but I don't think people should exactly be saying the guy has no class, etc.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, please explain to me.the difference between a man looking at another woman in front of his girlfriend and thinking " I wish my girlfriend was like that " and a woman looking at another mans actions and saying " I wish my boyfriend was like that. " .

 

 

 

Is she not guilty of the same thing you are advocating?

 

 

( I don't think OP is guilty of anything, I only believe your premise flawed and slightly on the pay calling the kettle black side, that's all )

 

 

 

It is unfortunate for both parties involved, and it may not be a matter of the OP simply sucking it up and learning to embrace the way her boyfriend is towards her when it comes to love and affection.

 

 

The boyfriend in the picture is better suited to a woman who doesn't have such thoughts as " I wish he was like his best friend"

 

 

I have learnt that some women are inherently geared towards men who gaze at them adoringly and who genuinely lose interest in checking out other women once they are in love.

 

 

People cannot always just "change" and "accept" the way in which their partners love for them, manifests in a physical and visible sense.

 

 

 

People thrive on different levels of physically demonstrated love and affection.

 

 

 

I know a girl who doesn't sleep in the same bed as her partner. She just isn't lovey or affectionate beyond holding hands.

 

 

 

This particular couple lack any sexual chemistry and never gaze at each other adoringly. And that is fine by them. They are happy with this type of a love and the way in which both parties express it. He had to adjust to the sleeping in different beds thing, but that was a compromise he WAS willing to make.

 

 

 

 

Is the OP going to be truly happy to make a compromise, and accept les affection than the kissing and cuddling couples around her, in her face whenever she is out?

 

 

Maybe she would be best to overcome this.

 

 

 

Personally, I wouldn't overcome it as I am best suited to men like the OPS boyfriends best friend.

 

 

 

I am merely suggesting that the OP could be naturally wired this way also, and would therefore be best to cut her losses NOW, so her AND her partner can seek out more compatible people.

[Leigh 87]

Look, like I said, you just come off as angry. I am not saying I know how you feel, I am just trying to get you to see how it might look to other people. Just..maybe I am having a hard time explaining this, but..the way you space out the things you say, and typing a lot of things in caps and/or bolding the letters..I don't know, it just comes off as angry. Then..your avatar, I don't know if that is you or not, but the woman there looks very beautiful, but also very angry so when you combine all those factors...

 

Maybe it is just me, I am just trying to give the vibe. It's hard to judge over just text. I'm not saying I know how I feel better then you do, I believe you if you say you aren't angry, I'm just pointing out how it seems to come off.

 

 

 

 

Thanks for the compliments. I have a hard time smiling in photos as I am not photogenic.

 

 

 

Thanks for the feedback, I will do less caps since people could get he wrong idea about me.

 

 

 

 

lol lol. I am actually very happy, since after ten years of dating and what I thought WOULD be an awesome and single period for me, at least for a year or two, I came across a guy who provides what I personally really value in a man.

 

 

 

The key things I love and notice that is lacking with the OP[s posts are:

 

- she wishes that "her boyfriend loos at her that way", in the same way in which her boyfriends friend looks at his girlfriend!

 

Where as I really enjoy the fact that my boyfriend gazes at me with such a sparkle in his eye that was lacking from my previous boyfriend.....

 

 

My ex was really interested in me, he actually stared at me a lot and enjoyed "studying" me as I am a little quirky and I give off a different energy that catches people off guard.

 

I also move very awkwardly and as though I am self conscious and he was very bemused by the way I just.. was.

 

He loved me deeply but he was never IN love with me, meaning; he loved the way I was, but was never infatuated with me or into me BEFORE the " love" took hold. He GREW to love me versus falling MADLY in love with me in every sense of the word, he was never into my looks as he prefers super model types with petite body types and he has a thing against crooked noses like mine is.

 

 

I noticed a few similarities in the OP'S initial post to the way I felt about my ex. I am not saying that her bf is like my ex at all. It is just a possibility.

 

 

I am truly looking out for the OP's best interests here. There is every chance her boyfriend is simply just this way inclined with even a super model!

 

OR he could be like my ex. There is no strong evidence to suggest either which scenario, the OP has to explore this for herself..... talk to others, enjoy her relationship a bit more, see if she can overcome her longing for her boyfriend to act in a way that makes HER feel like he is totally attracted to her.

 

 

At the end of the day it was my instincts... my gut feeling, the direction which I was naturally being lead that... made me come to my own conclusion.

 

I was never "okay" with feeling not attractive enough in my boyfriends eyes. He thought I was really good looking at times, I was really thin at one stage after all:lmao:, but yeah, he was never "passionate" about me and my physical being.

Edited April 6, 2014 by Leigh 87