My Husband Had an Emotional Affair

[TreasuredLove]

Ooooh, she mad!

 

At that time I was more than mad! I'm much calmer now! LOL

[TreasuredLove]

It's a good thing it's all his fault. You're totally absolved!

 

Do I detect a bit of sarcasm?

[VeronicaRoss]

It was short lived, he stopped it and it didn't progress to a physical affair. You said you trusted him and were happy and this destroyed a marriage with a child? Almost everyone in a marriage is going to fall in love or lust with someone else at some point, and he stopped himself by your own account pretty quickly.

 

We don't have the information you do but the situation doesn't measure up to the depth of your desire for revenge. Exactly how did they assault your daughter more than you? That might in some way justify your rage to you but it doesn't make sense given what you've written.

 

I don't know what kind of report she pulled on you, I'm assuming an address -- maybe to send you a letter? Verify your existence? You're punishing the woman that let you know you were betrayed. You'd rather be in the dark?

 

I hope you are in therapy and getting help and some perspective. I am wondering if at some point you're going to reconsider and deeply regret what you're throwing away after being in the dating pool for awhile. This really comes across as cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Edited April 20, 2014 by VeronicaRoss

[RonaldS]

Do I detect a bit of sarcasm?

 

It's possible.

 

From the outside looking in, it seems like you were looking for a reason to leave and then got one.

Edited April 20, 2014 by RonaldS

[TreasuredLove]

It was short lived, he stopped it and it didn't progress to a physical affair. You said you trusted him and were happy and this destroyed a marriage with a child? Almost everyone in a marriage is going to fall in love or lust with someone else at some point, and he stopped himself by your own account pretty quickly.

 

We don't have the information you do but the situation doesn't measure up to the depth of your desire for revenge. Exactly how did they assault your daughter more than you? That might in some way justify your rage to you but it doesn't make sense given what you've written.

 

I don't know what kind of report she pulled on you, I'm assuming an address -- maybe to send you a letter? Verify your existence? You're punishing the woman that let you know you were betrayed. You'd rather be in the dark?

 

I hope you are in therapy and getting help and some perspective. I am wondering if at some point you're going to reconsider and deeply regret what you're throwing away after being in the dating pool for awhile. This really comes across as cutting off your nose to spite your face.

 

 

Thank you for your words.

 

Understand, this woman knew about me from the beginning. She willingly walked in to begin an affair with my soon to be ex. He violated our marriage by entertaining another woman. I was well within my rights to excuse myself from this foolishness.

 

Here me clearly, I took my wedding vows seriously. Never thought about falling in love or lust with anyone but my husband. I guess you can call that having morals and values.

 

As far as therapy goes, I may need it or may not but one thing is for certain and another for sure, I didn't divorce my husband to begin a relationship with anyone else. Nevertheless, I hear your words and appreciate your viewpoint.

[TreasuredLove]

It's possible.

 

From the outside looking in, it seems like you were looking for a reason to leave and then got one.

 

Its definite but as you state, on the outside looking in....you can only assume.

 

From your reply, it seems like you're an advocate for cheaters...

Edited April 20, 2014 by TreasuredLove
forgot a word

[roger136913]

Treasured,

 

I kinda want to Thank You for the way you broke down a Poster's response. In a way it made me sorta see how my Wife felt. I had an online affair that went to meeting her.

 

After my Affair my Wife had one with my Brother. I took it as payment of what I did. She later went on to have an on line affair with a good mutual friend. three years later she had one with a co worker. We are separate though papers have not been filed she is clear as she wants a divorce. I also took the 2 other affairs as payment, and I deserved it.

 

Thank You for making me understand the Female side in a way that was understandable.

[RonaldS]

Its definite but as you state, on the outside looking in....you can only assume.

 

From your reply, it seems like you're an advocate for cheaters...

 

Not at all. I just see a lot if hubris in your posts, and as other posters have stated, your actions come across as sudden and vindictive.

 

There's a lot in your tone that reminds me of my XW. I did the same thing...EA...the difference being that it was a woman who lived 4000 miles away and we didn't really have much of an affair...just emailed each other a lot. Had 2 phone calls. When we did talk, it was basically about our respective relationships, which were identical and bad to be in. So, that was the EA.

 

My XW found out and left. Like you, she was out to teach me a lesson. I realize now that she never really loved me. She was completely dependent on me, yes. But love is based in respect, and she never respected me. I think she was always looking for a way out, and I gave her one. She bolted and never really looked back.

 

The EA was a big mistake on my part, no doubt. I had never cheated before...on her or anybody else. However, one of the big reasons that it happened was because I was fairly miserable in my marriage. My XW was abusive, insecure, dishonest, didn't put effort of any kind into our relationship, made me 100% responsible for her happiness, wouldn't communicate, etc, etc, etc.

 

But because I was the one who 'cheated', she got a free pass. She's never once apologized for any of the things she's done, and the EA justified not having to take any responsibility for the failure of the marriage. Reading your posts reminded me a lot of her bravado at the time.

 

But I bet if she could do it over....just sayin.

[TreasuredLove]

Not at all. I just see a lot if hubris in your posts, and as other posters have stated, your actions come across as sudden and vindictive.

 

There's a lot in your tone that reminds me of my XW. I did the same thing...EA...the difference being that it was a woman who lived 4000 miles away and we didn't really have much of an affair...just emailed each other a lot. Had 2 phone calls. When we did talk, it was basically about our respective relationships, which were identical and bad to be in. So, that was the EA.

 

My XW found out and left. Like you, she was out to teach me a lesson. I realize now that she never really loved me. She was completely dependent on me, yes. But love is based in respect, and she never respected me. I think she was always looking for a way out, and I gave her one. She bolted and never really looked back.

 

The EA was a big mistake on my part, no doubt. I had never cheated before...on her or anybody else. However, one of the big reasons that it happened was because I was fairly miserable in my marriage. My XW was abusive, insecure, dishonest, didn't put effort of any kind into our relationship, made me 100% responsible for her happiness, wouldn't communicate, etc, etc, etc.

 

But because I was the one who 'cheated', she got a free pass. She's never once apologized for any of the things she's done, and the EA justified not having to take any responsibility for the failure of the marriage. Reading your posts reminded me a lot of her bravado at the time.

 

But I bet if she could do it over....just sayin.

 

 

 

I can understand how my reaction to the EA, seems to everyone but to me, it was a natural response. Hurt me, I hurt you. Now if I wanted to be vindictive, I could've taken it steps further, which I did not.

 

 

The text messages between my ex and tow went beyond a friendship. I love you's were exchanged and other sentimental words and a video she made especially for him, violated our marriage.

 

 

From the moment I met my husband, up until the EA was revealed, I believed in us. We had a happy, healthy marriage. We communicated. We made time for one another and time for our family. We both sacrificed to meet the needs of one another. Sent him loving messages throughout the day. Always showed my love and appreciation for him. We laughed everyday! Our home life was filled with laughter, love and happiness. Never once thought he would hurt me. Never thought he would bring someone else into our sacred world and destroy the love I have for him. We went to bed every night wrapped in each others arms. When I would wake up in the morning and realize that we were still wrapped in each other arms, I would fall in love with him all over again.

 

 

How can I open my heart to him and be hurt again?

 

 

If he was miserable, talking to me during our alone time, would've prevented his EA. I loved him too much for him to be unhappy. If moving on without me, would've made him happy, I was willing to sacrifice my happiness for his. But to lead me on, is wrong and cruel.

[VeronicaRoss]

Never thought about falling in love or lust with anyone but my husband. I guess you can call that having morals and values.

 

I didn't see the words you did between your husband and the other woman and I can only imagine how deeply they stung. No one wants to see that or deserves to see that (unless they're cheating themselves maybe?). Clearly it was a devastating experience and I think you might even be in shock from the way you are writing. You sound deeply detached which is in itself a dangerous state -- I was for two years after my divorce and that in itself created a lot of problems, a lot of poor decisions. I really hope you seek help, whether you think you need it or not.

 

My point was this: moral values can't stop feelings. Falling in love or lust isn't an act of will. Life would be a lot easier if that were true. It's how we act when we're in the throes of emotion that our character is revealed. And he did stop himself. The news is full of examples of people who literally preach the gospel who fail spectacularly.

 

Maybe put the divorce on hold for a few months, a year or two while you get through this initial shock? There is no rush and he doesn't have a past of exploiting you.

[RonaldS]

I can understand how my reaction to the EA, seems to everyone but to me, it was a natural response. Hurt me, I hurt you. Now if I wanted to be vindictive, I could've taken it steps further, which I did not.

 

 

The text messages between my ex and tow went beyond a friendship. I love you's were exchanged and other sentimental words and a video she made especially for him, violated our marriage.

 

 

From the moment I met my husband, up until the EA was revealed, I believed in us. We had a happy, healthy marriage. We communicated. We made time for one another and time for our family. We both sacrificed to meet the needs of one another. Sent him loving messages throughout the day. Always showed my love and appreciation for him. We laughed everyday! Our home life was filled with laughter, love and happiness. Never once thought he would hurt me. Never thought he would bring someone else into our sacred world and destroy the love I have for him. We went to bed every night wrapped in each others arms. When I would wake up in the morning and realize that we were still wrapped in each other arms, I would fall in love with him all over again.

 

 

How can I open my heart to him and be hurt again?

 

 

If he was miserable, talking to me during our alone time, would've prevented his EA. I loved him too much for him to be unhappy. If moving on without me, would've made him happy, I was willing to sacrifice my happiness for his. But to lead me on, is wrong and cruel.

 

I do not doubt how much you are hurting. And I don't know the extent of the EA or what was said. So, I don't want to insert my own personal experience into your situation.

 

That being said, I do have personal experience in a situation similar to yours, and the one thing I can tell you is that these situations are far more complicated than what you see on the surface. There's a lot to it...it's probably not nearly as cut-and-dried as 'he wanted somebody else'.

 

There are always three truths in these situations: yours, his and actual.

 

Having been through it and having seen how it gets to that point, what it typically means, and how much more complicated the process is than you're maybe thinking it will be, my suggestion is just to take a step back before you make any decisive actions.

 

To quote my XW....4 months after she left, when it was then too far gone to fix, as she sat there in tears trying to get find some way to put it all back together, in response to me saying 'You always said you would leave, and then you left. I thought we were done'....

 

'It way more complicated then I thought it would be.'

[roger136913]

Treasured

 

He could of had the EA for many reasons. I had one and I had the perfect wife, I had nothing to gripe or complain about. I had an AE that turned into meeting her. It lasted 6 months total, I ended it knowing I was wrong for starting it.

 

I wish my Wife did what you did in a way. We just ended up not talking much about it. I gave her a year to ask anything, but she never did I tried to tell her but she did not want to hear it.

 

18 years later it's thrown back at me and I still can't tell you why I did it. But I learned from it and never did it again. If I met someone now I would not cheat as I love her though living apart.

 

I think the EA is the lesser of the 2 evils the 2nd meeting them. I think you should hold off a bit on the Divorce also. I can say I know your pain a bit as my Wife had an AE also I have been on both sides of the fence also. I just wish we got it out when it happened and I got a fair chance to show her.