still in love with her, it hurts

[heartisredandblue]

this is going to be long but help would be appreciated

 

im sure age plays a factor here so ill say it. im 25 shes 20

 

she has had a hard life

 

her dad cheated on her mom many times even when she was sick and would beat her

 

after her mom died she had to deal with her dad

 

she lived with a guy when she was 18 but he left her for another girl

 

i met her last may. we went on a few dates and started dating. as time went on, i felt more and more strongly about her. she is an amazing girl. great sense of humor loves video games and sports, doesn't start drama

 

she is someone i could totally see myself marrying and start a family with

 

around october of last year she broke up with me. she said she just wasnt ready for a serious relationship. she is only 19(at the time) and wants to focus on HER INDIVIDUAL future before she makes that commitment to settle down

 

i said i understood, but we remained in contact. next thing i know, one lead leads to another and we are sleeping together, and are back to being a couple but she wouldn't admit to it.

 

it started to cause fights between us since i was confused.

 

around november she got me a card telling me how much i meant to her and man, it got to me.

 

from november through february everthing was fine. we weren't a couple but we seemed good. for my birthday is february she made it a great day. she went above and beyond

 

in late march i found out she slept with someone, just a week before. though i knew this could happen since we are not a couple, it still stung. i told her i knew and she denied it but then confessed. i told her the thing that hurt the most was her not telling me. i felt like her saying i love you was a lie

 

i ended up putting it up behind me. three nights ago she was at another guys house. i told her i cant be a back up plan to her and that if this is going to keep we need to go our seperate ways

 

she said she wants to date me but again, she just cant commit. she does see herself marrying me, but she just doesnt want to settle down because she is 20 and wants to enjoy life

 

i love her to death, and i have tried to cut off contact but i just cant. she means so much. shes like my best friend

 

what can i do? its to the point where my jealousy is getting a bit extreme

and im afraid ill push her away from ever considering getting back together

[Trep]

You need to cut her out of your life and go NC. She's made it clear she wants to be single and play the field and you've made it clear you're madly in love with her. You're just going to get hurt over and over again whenever she sleeps with another guy which isn't fair on you. And your jealousy of her sleeping around isn't fair on her, since she has every right to do so as a single girl.

 

If you can't see yourself ever getting over your feelings and jealousy, then it's time to move on.

[drifter777]

i love her to death, and i have tried to cut off contact but i just cant. she means so much. shes like my best friend

Yes, you can keep "no contact" if you are committed to ending this fake romance. You said it yourself - you are her backup plan. The guy she f**ks when there's nothing better out there. Use the vision of her having sex with other guys to fuel your resolve to never contact her again. You will find a new best friend, and this time I hope it's someone who doesn't enjoy hurting you.

[lolablue17]

She wants you as a friend with benefits, a nice company, and also to date and have sex with other guys. She wants it all.

 

Aint we all want that in our fantasies? i mean, to have it all - the comfort and security with a supportive loyal spouse, integrated with the freedom to have fun from time to time. nobody would have refused do that kind of a deal, but its hard to get because usualy the other spouse wouldn't agree, and if someone does they will want freedom for themself as an equalizer. so we can get hurt.

 

With you, she has no dilemma. you allow her to have it all. you cooperate with her. so why should she give up something if she has a puppy running after her.

 

The problem is you know that if she had a dilemma, she wouldn't choose you. she'd choose freedom.

 

Go full NC. at least you will have a little sense of control here.

[Spectre]

Her age and her "hard life" really aren't factors here. She is an adult, correct? Then the way she lives her life is her own choice. She obviously wants to sleep around. You don't really get a pass on that just because you are 20. If she wants to sleep around that is her business, but you don't have to put up with it. If she can't be an adult and be in a committed relationship then leave her. If she is one of those people who equates sleeping around with a bunch of different people to "living life" then..well, that tells you all you need to know.

Edited April 4, 2014 by Spectre

[Darren Steez]

Can I be your best friend? Maybe I'd buy you a drink, tell you my life, then slap your face, but I'd apologize because hey..we're friends!

 

Then we'd hang out, go clubbing, then I'd punch you in your face..but hey it's cool we're friends!

 

Then I'd borrow your new car, enter a demolition derby, totally eff it up then bring it back to you and apologize..but hey it's fine we're best friends!!!

 

Ridiculous right!

 

So why is it, a girl can literally cr*p all over you, smash your heart, drag your feelings in the gutter but it's cool...why? because you love her? Can't you get another girl? She has no trouble finding dudes to fill your space but hey its ok..lurrve!

 

Dude. She's told you she doesn't want to commit to you and you're not listening. She's even banging other dudes because she just doesn't care.. not that she's callous and evil but she's already told you, we're not a couple, I'm not committing to you so unfortunately for you, if you don't get the message then continue to watch her bang other dudes.

 

Your call!

[SmartDude]

This is terrible advice, but theoretically possible:

 

Up the anty. Tell her that you "like to watch". Ask her to make a video of her and one of the other guys having sex. Then watch the video with her while eating popcorn and act unimpressed...like "meh that guy has ok technique".

[Damaged217]

If she says she is not ready for a serious relationship and will not be in a couple with you, then believe her! Her actions are telling you that she was being honest about that. She's too young to appreciate what's in front of her. She obviously thinks that she can do better if she chose not to be with you anymore. How does that feel? Do you really want to chase after a girl that through her actions is telling you that you're not good enough for her or that you are not what she is looking for?

 

You have no right to get jealous. She is single and you are the fool that is just another notch in her belt time and time again. Sorry to be harsh, but sometimes that is the only way to get through to people. You both want different things and you cannot force her to want what you want. I'm sorry.

 

It's best to do the NC thing and let her sleep around and date all the jerks and let her realize that she let a good thing go and let her deal with that.