The reality of everything

[Patna]

I thought that I would never had an affair because I had been a relatively good person, but I did.

 

 

I thought my marriage was strong enough to withstand any temptations, but it was not so.

 

 

I thought the A would end in a short period of time, but I allowed it to drag on.

 

 

I thought for our families, we would end it soon, but I grew more emotionally attached to him with each passing time.

 

 

I thought we would end before Dday, so that Dday will never happen and hurt the people around us. We did end before Dday but Dday still happened.

 

 

I thought he really loves me, but after Dday, I started to wonder how he could detach so fast.

 

 

I thought he was my soul-mate, my best buddy, but after the A ends, you realized that as much as you both try, being friends can never work out anymore. You lost your best friend. You can never be in each other's life to care for each other anymore. You will disappear from each other's lives.

 

 

I thought I had always been strong, but I realized after Dday that I had never felt such grief before.

 

 

I thought that's the end after Dday, but it didn't end there.

 

 

I thought we would never contact each other again, but he did.

 

 

I thought I would be wise enough by then to walk away, but I did not.

 

 

I thought my story would be different. That we really love each other. Then I realized mine is not that unique. I wish to tell myself that we didn't had the affair fog, that he really loves me. But as times goes by especially after Dday, you realized that your story aren't that different. That you will have lots of questions, but you had to live with no closure. That you had to live with the guilt for life. That you know you allowed yourself to hurt yourself and others. That's the punishment for WS.

 

 

I'm reminding myself here. Today is only the 2nd day of NC. I need to remind myself why I chose NC, and why I need to keep it.

Edited April 4, 2014 by Patna

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

I wish you the strength to get through this. It's not easy but you will get there.

[underwater2010]

Well said....and for those BS's the stay with their WS....once we begin to get over our rage and really look at our WS....that pain kills us. I really do believe a WS craves their BS's forgiveness....but in the end the hardest part is forgiving themselves.

 

Hang in there....it will get easier. Just take the time to let the lesson sink in.

 

HUGS.

[Nattie]

Thank you for this post....just thank you. This is me to a T up until the DDay part. That hasn't happened and I'd like to avoid it if possible. I haven't talked to MOM in a few days and I'm bracing myself for NC completely. He fought me hard last time, but this affair is starting to cause me more grief than happiness. It's time.

[TheNoBSBuddhist]

"Perception is often deception".

 

What one thinks is happening, and what is ACTUALLY happening, are all too often different things entirely.

 

Most of your perceptions actually entailed what you wanted, hoped or wished would happen....

 

But when others are partners in our progress, we have to allow for a certain diversion from where we hope we're going with this.

 

However, to view consequences as punishment, is Wrong View.

 

Consequences are consequences.

Of foolish perception, of blinkered desire, perhaps - but they are mere consequences, just the same.

Neither Good, nor Bad.

 

To appraise them and accord them a quality, is misguided.

They are what they are.

HOW you take them, will provide you either with a step up, or a stumbling block.

 

Do not consider outcomes as punishments.

Consider them OPPORTUNITIES.

 

Remember, you can always start again, from today.

 

With Metta. _/l\_

 

TNBSB.

[violet1]

I thought I had always been strong, but I realized after Dday that I had never felt such grief before.

.

Oh my goodness! I can so relate to this feeling. I've had a D Day as well. My H has also forgiven me. My A has messed me up so much, I'm struggling trying to reconnect with my H again. My exMM is always on my mind. I honestly don't know why. It's not like he'd ever leave his M and we would realistically be together. I'm an idiot and very recently broke NC. I feel so much shame! What I did to my H AGAIN is so horrible. I'm also going back to NC. I feel like such a pathetic hypocrite. I just want you to know I feel your pain. Big hugs to you!

[Patna]

Thank you for this post....just thank you. This is me to a T up until the DDay part. That hasn't happened and I'd like to avoid it if possible. I haven't talked to MOM in a few days and I'm bracing myself for NC completely. He fought me hard last time, but this affair is starting to cause me more grief than happiness. It's time.

 

Hi Nattie, my A is causing me more grief than happiness too. I seem to lose myself. I used to be very bubbly and outgoing, and i miss myself! Let's be strong this time for ourselves! Hugs!

[Patna]

Oh my goodness! I can so relate to this feeling. I've had a D Day as well. My H has also forgiven me. My A has messed me up so much, I'm struggling trying to reconnect with my H again. My exMM is always on my mind. I honestly don't know why. It's not like he'd ever leave his M and we would realistically be together. I'm an idiot and very recently broke NC. I feel so much shame! What I did to my H AGAIN is so horrible. I'm also going back to NC. I feel like such a pathetic hypocrite. I just want you to know I feel your pain. Big hugs to you!

 

Violet, thanks for your post! Our struggles are so similar! I'd also been working on reconnecting w H, & exMM is still always on my mind too I totally can identify ur feelings of guilt when u broke NC. I saw a quote recently, "When you stop chasing the wrong things, you give the right things a chance to catch you". It encourages me a lot, & I hope it does for you too! Big hugs! We will come out stronger this time! No more going back to the past!

[DB_09]

Violet, thanks for your post! Our struggles are so similar! I'd also been working on reconnecting w H, & exMM is still always on my mind too I totally can identify ur feelings of guilt when u broke NC. I saw a quote recently, "When you stop chasing the wrong things, you give the right things a chance to catch you". It encourages me a lot, & I hope it does for you too! Big hugs! We will come out stronger this time! No more going back to the past!

 

Thank you for sharing that quote - just what I needed for some extra encouragement!

[violet1]

Violet, thanks for your post! Our struggles are so similar! I'd also been working on reconnecting w H, & exMM is still always on my mind too I totally can identify ur feelings of guilt when u broke NC. I saw a quote recently, "When you stop chasing the wrong things, you give the right things a chance to catch you". It encourages me a lot, & I hope it does for you too! Big hugs! We will come out stronger this time! No more going back to the past!

Thank you for sharing that quote. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who's had a D Day and broke NC. I wasn't going to post what I did because I feel so disgusted with myself. Not only did I break NC, I saw him and had sex with him a few days ago. I've put my H through a false R and I'm hating myself for it. I've always been against the WS putting their BS through a false R. I'm such a hypocrite! Does your H know that you saw the MM after D Day? I'm on day 2 of NC again. There's no way I can tell my H. I can't watch him go through that pain again, I just can't.

[Mickey1982]

Thank you for sharing that quote. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who's had a D Day and broke NC. I wasn't going to post what I did because I feel so disgusted with myself. Not only did I break NC, I saw him and had sex with him a few days ago. I've put my H through a false R and I'm hating myself for it. I've always been against the WS putting their BS through a false R. I'm such a hypocrite! Does your H know that you saw the MM after D Day? I'm on day 2 of NC again. There's no way I can tell my H. I can't watch him go through that pain again, I just can't.

 

Violet, can I ask you an honest answer to two very important questions for my sanity? My exMM ended our 3 1/2 year relationship after HIS d-day and decided to work on his marriage.

1. Are all d-days as horrific as everyone says?
   
2. HE did a 180 on me immediately and claimed that he was going to work on this marriage which before was labeled as 'dead.' Within days of his d-day, he texted me that his marriage was now better than ever! Is it possible to turn off 'love' for me and resume a perfect marriage within days?????
   

Having gone thru a d-day yourself, I'l so appreciate hearing your thoughts on my questions above!

[Patna]

Not only did I break NC, I saw him and had sex with him a few days ago. I've put my H through a false R and I'm hating myself for it. I've always been against the WS putting their BS through a false R. I'm such a hypocrite! Does your H know that you saw the MM after D Day?

 

Violet, we had sex too. Though I told him that will be the last time I'll meet him again, because his wife was due to deliver anytime, and she gave birth the very next day. Well, for my case, I guess something in me just snapped when I knew his wife was in the hospital giving birth. I can't explain why, but in a way, I felt relief that it's finally over. But it's also sad I had to go this far to finally end it. I'm only in day 4 of NC, and I hope I can really pressed in to weeks and months this time. I don't know if I'm strong enough, but I need to.

 

Surprisingly, H is very fine with the idea of exMM and me continuing contact, though he meant as platonic friends. ExMM is his good friend, and he even intends to keep their friendship if you had read my other thread. H didn't want me to let exMM know that he is aware of who e OM is, so OM didn't have to feel awkward with him. For this, I feel even more guilty and lousy about myself. H is such a forgiving and nice person, who clearly don't deserves me treating him like this

[bestplayer]

Violet, we had sex too. Though I told him that will be the last time I'll meet him again, because his wife was due to deliver anytime, and she gave birth the very next day. Well, for my case, I guess something in me just snapped when I knew his wife was in the hospital giving birth. I can't explain why, but in a way, I felt relief that it's finally over. But it's also sad I had to go this far to finally end it. I'm only in day 4 of NC, and I hope I can really pressed in to weeks and months this time. I don't know if I'm strong enough, but I need to.

 

Surprisingly, H is very fine with the idea of exMM and me continuing contact, though he meant as platonic friends. ExMM is his good friend, and he even intends to keep their friendship if you had read my other thread. H didn't want me to let exMM know that he is aware of who e OM is, so OM didn't have to feel awkward with him. For this, I feel even more guilty and lousy about myself. H is such a forgiving and nice person, who clearly don't deserves me treating him like this

 

Your MM is not your H's good friend. A friend doesn't sleep with his friend's wife . Your H should never never be ok with you & MM ever being friends. Your H sounds too naive & needs some reality check . No wonder you & MM have continued fooling your H even after DDay.

[Patna]

[*]Are all d-days as horrific as everyone says?

[*]HE did a 180 on me immediately and claimed that he was going to work on this marriage which before was labeled as 'dead.' Within days of his d-day, he texted me that his marriage was now better than ever! Is it possible to turn off 'love' for me and resume a perfect marriage within days?????

 

Mickey, I'd been following your thread, and I feel your pain and sorrow.

 

Yes, Dday is horrifying. I saw my exMM broke down and cried, no, not just cried, but sobbed. He told me it was very traumatizing, and he never wanted to go back there. His wife has quite a fierce temper, and I ever witnessed her scolding their tenant in the past till their tenant broke down in front of them. So I can imagine what he went through was definitely x1000 times worse. He once told me that a man will always have a responsibility towards his wife. He also tends to have a more protective nature, and I guessed when he saw how he hurt his wife, something in him broke.

 

We went NC for about 1.5 months but resumed contact afterwards. We actually met up and he apologise about how he couldn't be there for me after Dday, and said he really want to be in my life again, but as a friend. He said now that things are more settled down at home, he just wanted to be there for me and to care for me. My heart melted again, and he began calling me daily again, for about 1-2 hours each day. Slowly we resumed the physical aspect. A month later, I asked him about our relationship, and he said we were just friends. Being with him for a year, that statement hurts the most! From an OW, I have allowed myself to be degraded to a FWB. He said he can no longer love me because he cannot give me anything. He refused to talk about the past or my feelings anymore. But he continued to want sex. Even though I told him I refused to be a FWB, he would say how he would still want me each time he sees me, and how he cannot control himself. I asked him how could he have sex with someone he said he no longer loves, and he told me he had feelings for me when we are doing it, but it ends after there. Till now, I can never understand how his feelings can be like a switch that can be turned instantly on and off.

 

Sometimes I tell myself that he isn't such a person. That he probably still loves me but can no longer confess. Otherwise why would he still calls me so much everyday and still cares for me. But I came to a point that I decided enough is enough. It's just no longer the same after Dday and will never be, and I know I can never accept that.

 

Mickey, ask yourself this question. Even if your exMM contacts you and resume the A, will you be able to accept that it will no longer be the same? You will have even lesser breadcrumbs, more hurts, more sorrows. I even had to question myself if it is just all sex now, when I never had to doubt him in the past. You will never see him the same way again. The relationship will never be the same anymore. Both of you would avoid talking about more stuffs now, especially relating to his family now. He would probably share lesser with you too. You can no longer talk about your feelings. Can you accept this?

 

For your second question, I doubt their marriage is perfect, and is definitely far from perfect after Dday. But he probably means that he is working on it, and wishes to focus on it. ExMM and my H knew each other for almost 20 years, so I knew his marriage problems well before our A. Although I only saw his wife a few times, but I have seen how she demeans him in front of us, nag at him constantly, very controlling, doesn't allow him to go out with his friends, controls his paycheck, etc. He told me before that his wife wasn't interested in his life and hardly asked about him, and doesn't even know what kind of work he is doing. But after Dday, he told me she has since changed. She is now interested in his life, and show concern for him. He said they are heading towards the right direction. I guessed that pulled him right back into his M, especially after the guilt he felt towards his wife. It seems like whatever marriage problems they previously had flew out of the window overnight, and I suspect I became their only problem now. So in a way, A seems to 'mask' their marital problems since they have something more devastating and urgent problem that they have to resolve together now.

 

2 weeks after Dday, his wife posted a pic of them smiling happily together. That was Christmas Day, and it ruined my Christmas. I was still depressed then, and still crying everyday, and I was so surprised they could be happy that fast? A few days before Valentine's day, she posted a picture of her smiling so happily at a romantic dinner setting, with a new Gucci bag. So it seems all bed and roses. So I probably turned their M overnight to a better one? I honestly have no idea...:confused:

[Mickey1982]

Mickey, I'd been following your thread, and I feel your pain and sorrow.

 

Yes, Dday is horrifying. I saw my exMM broke down and cried, no, not just cried, but sobbed. He told me it was very traumatizing, and he never wanted to go back there. His wife has quite a fierce temper, and I ever witnessed her scolding their tenant in the past till their tenant broke down in front of them. So I can imagine what he went through was definitely x1000 times worse. He once told me that a man will always have a responsibility towards his wife. He also tends to have a more protective nature, and I guessed when he saw how he hurt his wife, something in him broke.

 

We went NC for about 1.5 months but resumed contact afterwards. We actually met up and he apologise about how he couldn't be there for me after Dday, and said he really want to be in my life again, but as a friend. He said now that things are more settled down at home, he just wanted to be there for me and to care for me. My heart melted again, and he began calling me daily again, for about 1-2 hours each day. Slowly we resumed the physical aspect. A month later, I asked him about our relationship, and he said we were just friends. Being with him for a year, that statement hurts the most! From an OW, I have allowed myself to be degraded to a FWB. He said he can no longer love me because he cannot give me anything. He refused to talk about the past or my feelings anymore. But he continued to want sex. Even though I told him I refused to be a FWB, he would say how he would still want me each time he sees me, and how he cannot control himself. I asked him how could he have sex with someone he said he no longer loves, and he told me he had feelings for me when we are doing it, but it ends after there. Till now, I can never understand how his feelings can be like a switch that can be turned instantly on and off.

 

Sometimes I tell myself that he isn't such a person. That he probably still loves me but can no longer confess. Otherwise why would he still calls me so much everyday and still cares for me. But I came to a point that I decided enough is enough. It's just no longer the same after Dday and will never be, and I know I can never accept that.

 

Mickey, ask yourself this question. Even if your exMM contacts you and resume the A, will you be able to accept that it will no longer be the same? You will have even lesser breadcrumbs, more hurts, more sorrows. I even had to question myself if it is just all sex now, when I never had to doubt him in the past. You will never see him the same way again. The relationship will never be the same anymore. Both of you would avoid talking about more stuffs now, especially relating to his family now. He would probably share lesser with you too. You can no longer talk about your feelings. Can you accept this?

 

For your second question, I doubt their marriage is perfect, and is definitely far from perfect after Dday. But he probably means that he is working on it, and wishes to focus on it. ExMM and my H knew each other for almost 20 years, so I knew his marriage problems well before our A. Although I only saw his wife a few times, but I have seen how she demeans him in front of us, nag at him constantly, very controlling, doesn't allow him to go out with his friends, controls his paycheck, etc. He told me before that his wife wasn't interested in his life and hardly asked about him, and doesn't even know what kind of work he is doing. But after Dday, he told me she has since changed. She is now interested in his life, and show concern for him. He said they are heading towards the right direction. I guessed that pulled him right back into his M, especially after the guilt he felt towards his wife. It seems like whatever marriage problems they previously had flew out of the window overnight, and I suspect I became their only problem now. So in a way, A seems to 'mask' their marital problems since they have something more devastating and urgent problem that they have to resolve together now.

 

2 weeks after Dday, his wife posted a pic of them smiling happily together. That was Christmas Day, and it ruined my Christmas. I was still depressed then, and still crying everyday, and I was so surprised they could be happy that fast? A few days before Valentine's day, she posted a picture of her smiling so happily at a romantic dinner setting, with a new Gucci bag. So it seems all bed and roses. So I probably turned their M overnight to a better one? I honestly have no idea...:confused:

 

 

We are alike in a lot of ways...the questioning of the turn off of feelings after d-day. The change in a marriage overnight from dead to wonderful.

 

I sometimes feel used. Like I was the catalyst to their beautiful marriage and future life together. I believe they are moving on happy and living life full of excitement while I suffer and agonize almost 3 months later.

 

I heard the same story as you---she changed after d-day. She was frigtened to loose the marriage and suddently became the wife he suddenly wanted all these years. The affir became brushed under the rug as she forgave him and became the woman of his dreams. I'll never get it---NEVER. I don't think she even got mad---she was just happy he chose her!!!!!

 

The difference is that my exMM has NOT reached out at all. NC for 10 weeks. I don't know if that's good or bad. I want answers and I want to hear from him, yet I know in my gut, I'm better off to stay NC. This has broken me to my core so I know any contact will be detrimental to me as much I hope for it every day.

[Patna]

Mickey, I don't think he intended to use you as a catalyst. It definitely never cross his mind if he is in the right mind. Unless he is looking for an A to exit his marriage, which he clearly isn't. So he didn't use you in that sense.

 

Since they are moving on, you need to move on too. Not for him, but for you! Hugs! I remember how I broke down at my friend's house a week after Dday. My friend had never seen me in such a state before, and she said alot of stuffs which really makes sense. She asked me why am I still not moving on, when he has already move on? What is there for me to still hold on to when he has already left? His focus is now on his wife, not on me anymore. It will not affect his decision to his wife even if I'm depressed and hurting myself. How true!

 

Even if your exMM contacts you, you will still never get the closure. Because after his answers will just comes more questions again. It's like a cycle. I'd been through that, where I was crazy for answers and the questions kept me from moving on. Today, I can say I no longer bother about the answers. I came to realize that the answers hurt, and I don't want to open myself to more unnecessary hurts anymore. Also, once I realized if I want to move on, I have to live with the no closure. It's common in every breakups, not just A. I just decided my sanity is worth more than the answers, and I had to make a conscious effort not to ponder over them in my mind anymore. Every time the questions pop up in my head, I just shrug them off.

 

Mickey, love yourself more now. We deserve that. I used to put him above myself. But it's time we all learnt to love ourselves more now.

[Mickey1982]

Mickey, I don't think he intended to use you as a catalyst. It definitely never cross his mind if he is in the right mind. Unless he is looking for an A to exit his marriage, which he clearly isn't. So he didn't use you in that sense.

 

Since they are moving on, you need to move on too. Not for him, but for you! Hugs! I remember how I broke down at my friend's house a week after Dday. My friend had never seen me in such a state before, and she said alot of stuffs which really makes sense. She asked me why am I still not moving on, when he has already move on? What is there for me to still hold on to when he has already left? His focus is now on his wife, not on me anymore. It will not affect his decision to his wife even if I'm depressed and hurting myself. How true!

 

Even if your exMM contacts you, you will still never get the closure. Because after his answers will just comes more questions again. It's like a cycle. I'd been through that, where I was crazy for answers and the questions kept me from moving on. Today, I can say I no longer bother about the answers. I came to realize that the answers hurt, and I don't want to open myself to more unnecessary hurts anymore. Also, once I realized if I want to move on, I have to live with the no closure. It's common in every breakups, not just A. I just decided my sanity is worth more than the answers, and I had to make a conscious effort not to ponder over them in my mind anymore. Every time the questions pop up in my head, I just shrug them off.

 

Mickey, love yourself more now. We deserve that. I used to put him above myself. But it's time we all learnt to love ourselves more now.

 

 

So, are you completely determined at this time to go NC and stay with it?

[Patna]

I guessed I reached a stage when I'm just so tired of the way he treats me, the emotional downhill, and most importantly, his wife giving birth really changes things for me. I haven't been myself and had been such a wreck since Dday, and last week, I realized I really missed my old self.

 

I really want to do NC this time. But it's still early because I'm only in day 4. Such a long way to go, so I'm really afraid I would cave in again when he contacts me. I believe he will be too busy to contact me over the next few days, though I don't know if he will ever contact me again. I told him that once his wife gives birth, I would leave and will not stay in contact anymore. So I'm not sure if he will try to reach out once he's settled down with his newborn, or will his guilt and love for his family overcome him for good after seeing his baby.

 

Currently, the thought of resuming communication makes me nauseas enough because it would means he would probably share with me about his newborn etc, and I dread hearing anything relating to her. It would just open myself up to more guilt and wounds, and I don't think I can handle any more of these emotional stuffs.

 

Just that I'm still so early in NC, I cannot see the end :'( to think I need to maintain NC for life, and I'm only in day 4 and already missing him... Gosh...

[Mickey1982]

Just seems as though every poster on here has an exMM who has returned at some point after it ends....except for me....;-(

[MuddyFootprints]

Just seems as though every poster on here has an exMM who has returned at some point after it ends....except for me....;-(

 

You are the fortunate one.

[Mickey1982]

You are the fortunate one.

 

I wish I could see and believe that, MuddyFootprints. I SOOOOOOOOOOOO wish I could. Instead, it hurts like heck.

[MuddyFootprints]

If you can't see, feel, and believe the pain and grief laid out in this thread alone I don't know what it will take for you to heal and move on. I started to copy and paste key words and phrases of these anguished hearts and minds, but maybe you need to spend an afternoon doing that yourself. Start with this thread and then move on to the next one. It might sound like a silly exercise, but I don't think you are 'hearing' what is being said here.

 

My apologies to the OP for the t/j.

Edited April 5, 2014 by MuddyFootprints

[Patna]

You are the fortunate one.

 

Mickey, i agree with MuddyFootprints on this one. Why set yourself for more heartaches? Even if he contacts you, it will never be the same again after Dday. Even if he still loves you, it would tainted by guilt now. He can never love you the same way again.

[violet1]

Mickey, i agree with MuddyFootprints on this one. Why set yourself for more heartaches? Even if he contacts you, it will never be the same again after Dday. Even if he still loves you, it would tainted by guilt now. He can never love you the same way again.

Mickey, I also agree with the other ladies. Don't put yourself through more pain. Your heart can't take it. I feel more guilt and shame than I ever have since I broke NC after D Day. I'm telling you sweetie, D Days are extremely horrific. They change everything. It didn't feel the same, it didn't feel comfortable seeing my exMM again. Please consider the NC as a blessing in disguise. Big hugs to you!

[Mickey1982]

Mickey, I also agree with the other ladies. Don't put yourself through more pain. Your heart can't take it. I feel more guilt and shame than I ever have since I broke NC after D Day. I'm telling you sweetie, D Days are extremely horrific. They change everything. It didn't feel the same, it didn't feel comfortable seeing my exMM again. Please consider the NC as a blessing in disguise. Big hugs to you!

 

Violet, did your feelings for your AP change after d-day? Just curious....as I struggle with the that mine did a 180 turn around and decided hid dead marriage was the most important thing..I was thrown under the bus and just a few days later, the marriage was better than ever! Advice, please!!!!!