Mickey1982 Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 I agree Mickey, although our situations are different, his transition happened literally overnight too! One day we were happily discussing our future together, booked another holiday, telling each other how lucky we were to be together and then bam, can't do this anymore, gone.... Then a week later, I am in love with my wife again having been separated for months and telling me his marriage had been over for years... Still can't understand what happened but I guess I am trying to stop analysing it. However you look at it, the outcome is the same. I know that I have to concentrate on myself and my kids and the knowledge that even if he reaches out, it changes nothing, he has chosen where he wants to be. I understand your pain as do many others here so let's have a virtual hug and hand squeeze. I think a lot of the circumstances which cased our exMM to return 'home' had to do more with the reaction of the children or the effect it had/would have on them. I think falling back in love with the wife (if it really did happen) came AFTER realizing the realtionship with the kids may have been in jeopardy. Just my thoughts.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Devastated1969 Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 I think a lot of the circumstances which cased our exMM to return 'home' had to do more with the reaction of the children or the effect it had/would have on them. I think falling back in love with the wife (if it really did happen) came AFTER realizing the realtionship with the kids may have been in jeopardy. Just my thoughts.... It certainly had a significant impact with my situation, it was after a big incident with his daughter that happened the day of the 'turnaround'. However, from what he told me, his wife also 'changed' overnight when he returned (I won't go into detail but ouch it hurt). I guess it was the HB kicking in for them and that was hard to hear. Whatever the truth is I will never know, the only truth that matters is he is there and not here. Gutted as I am, that is the only truth I really know 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 It certainly had a significant impact with my situation, it was after a big incident with his daughter that happened the day of the 'turnaround'. However, from what he told me, his wife also 'changed' overnight when he returned (I won't go into detail but ouch it hurt). I guess it was the HB kicking in for them and that was hard to hear. Whatever the truth is I will never know, the only truth that matters is he is there and not here. Gutted as I am, that is the only truth I really know No need to go into it...I heard the same UGLY thing! She changed from a roomate to well....you can fill in the blank with your choice of words. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 No need to go into it...I heard the same UGLY thing! She changed from a roomate to well....you can fill in the blank with your choice of words. It is quite possible it was the WH who was doing all the changing after dday! My stbx said the same stuff about me when in reality he was the one that wasn't being a great spouse. Having an affair certainly didn't win him any husband of the year awards. Dday made him take a long hard look at himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 It certainly had a significant impact with my situation, it was after a big incident with his daughter that happened the day of the 'turnaround'. However, from what he told me, his wife also 'changed' overnight when he returned (I won't go into detail but ouch it hurt). I guess it was the HB kicking in for them and that was hard to hear. Whatever the truth is I will never know, the only truth that matters is he is there and not here. Gutted as I am, that is the only truth I really know Darn devastated, those posts are gone and I wanted answers TOO!!!!!!!! It is one thing that bothers me as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 It is quite possible it was the WH who was doing all the changing after dday! My stbx said the same stuff about me when in reality he was the one that wasn't being a great spouse. Having an affair certainly didn't win him any husband of the year awards. Dday made him take a long hard look at himself. Purplesorrow---I am confused by your post...can you explain your story a bit more? Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 Purplesorrow---I am confused by your post...can you explain your story a bit more? My stbx told the ow in his affair all sorts of things about me that just weren't true. For example, we didn't have sex. When in reality we had sex at least 5 nights a week. He painted me as a wife who didn't care about him or pay attention to him. He was actually the neglectful spouse. I asked him to leave on dday and go to the ow. 50/50 custody, no child support, no alimony, and I wouldn't tell anyone. It was like he realized the pain and destruction HE had caused at the same time I did, on dday. He went into IC the very next day. He realized that he hadn't been a very good husband, he was the one doing all the changes after dday. He was a mm having an affair has already checked out of the marriage, but would never admit he was causing some of the issues that may be going on. I actually felt some pity for the ow. He dropped her like she was nothing and it bothered me that he could do that. She was single so she risked her reputation to be with him. He never spoke to her again ( that I know of) after dday. I spoke to her twice and I could tell she was very hurt. All this to say maybe his wife wasn't as bad as he made her out to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 My stbx told the ow in his affair all sorts of things about me that just weren't true. For example, we didn't have sex. When in reality we had sex at least 5 nights a week. He painted me as a wife who didn't care about him or pay attention to him. He was actually the neglectful spouse. I asked him to leave on dday and go to the ow. 50/50 custody, no child support, no alimony, and I wouldn't tell anyone. It was like he realized the pain and destruction HE had caused at the same time I did, on dday. He went into IC the very next day. He realized that he hadn't been a very good husband, he was the one doing all the changes after dday. He was a mm having an affair has already checked out of the marriage, but would never admit he was causing some of the issues that may be going on. I actually felt some pity for the ow. He dropped her like she was nothing and it bothered me that he could do that. She was single so she risked her reputation to be with him. He never spoke to her again ( that I know of) after dday. I spoke to her twice and I could tell she was very hurt. All this to say maybe his wife wasn't as bad as he made her out to be. He dropped her like she was nothing.....this is the part that is so baffling to me. How can a man who claimed to be your "soulmate", your best friend who you confided everything to and swore his love for you, flip a switch in the second his wife found out. I KNOW he loved me, but how it can change overnight is unexplainable. I'll never ever understand. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 He dropped her like she was nothing.....this is the part that is so baffling to me. How can a man who claimed to be your "soulmate", your best friend who you confided everything to and swore his love for you, flip a switch in the second his wife found out. I KNOW he loved me, but how it can change overnight is unexplainable. I'll never ever understand. I'm sorry for your pain. I hope that you are able to find your peace and heal from all you have gone through. Link to post Share on other sites
theperfectlife Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 OMG you r are not alone. I am 2 weeks into NC. Our plan was to leave spouses this spring. Him first. Me next. However, D day happened and that went to ****. Now I am dying. I have no idea what he is doing. Before Dday, he couldn't bear to even go ONE DAY with NC. He contacted my sister, our only communication route, 2 days after DDAY. Then talked to him on her phone 2 hrs later, he told me he would keep sister updated. We spoke everyday multiple times, for over a year before DDay, now haven't heard anything in almost 2 weeks. His W contacted my H. They are going to counseling. Is there hope for them? Is he going thru the motions? IDK but I feel your pain Be strong Link to post Share on other sites
Livingeachday Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Mickey what could your MM have done that would have made the end for you any easier? I'm asking with sincere interest. How can you end an affair when something suddenly happens (DDay, wanting to work on your marriage, other triggers) and you are absolutely certain that it needs to end for good NOW with the least possible hurt to your AP while beeing absolutely clear and firm on your decision? Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 (edited) Mickey what could your MM have done that would have made the end for you any easier? I'm asking with sincere interest. How can you end an affair when something suddenly happens (DDay, wanting to work on your marriage, other triggers) and you are absolutely certain that it needs to end for good NOW with the least possible hurt to your AP while beeing absolutely clear and firm on your decision? Livingeachday, I understand that he chose his life with her, his family, his home, etc. But, it was the way he communicated with me after d-day that broke me more than anything else. Instead of just telling me this is what was meant to be and was his decision, he communicated in every response via text or e-mail just how HAPPY he now was. He told me that he was content, their marriage was better than ever and was no longer dead but resurrected, he was in love with her again, etc etc etc. I can go on and on about the hurtful comments, but I won't. It was VERY painful to accept the ending of my relationship with someone who I loved and believe loved me back VERY deeply. But, the manner and means in which he did it, was unnecessary and just brought on extra hurt and pain. I NEVER could have imagined he could have been so cruel to me. Whether or not it truly was the situation that had transpired for him and her, was it really necessary to tell me and inflict more pain on an already devastated person? In my opinion, it wasn't. He already had broken my heart, yet continued to turn the knife with each comment more and more.......and that is what hurts the most. Edited April 10, 2014 by Mickey1982 Link to post Share on other sites
Livingeachday Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Thank you very much for your response Mickey. I really do feel sorry for you about the way your AP handeled the break-up. And I do agree that he did handle it in a very, very bad and extremly hurtfull way for you and I can seriously understand your pain. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkInTheLimo Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 and I wouldn't tell anyone. Why not tell anyone? I think the best thing a BS can do is to shame the cheater. I hate hypocrisy. Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 Livingeachday, I understand that he chose his life with her, his family, his home, etc. But, it was the way he communicated with me after d-day that broke me more than anything else. Instead of just telling me this is what was meant to be and was his decision, he communicated in every response via text or e-mail just how HAPPY he now was. He told me that he was content, their marriage was better than ever and was no longer dead but resurrected, he was in love with her again, etc etc etc. I can go on and on about the hurtful comments, but I won't. It was VERY painful to accept the ending of my relationship with someone who I loved and believe loved me back VERY deeply. But, the manner and means in which he did it, was unnecessary and just brought on extra hurt and pain. I NEVER could have imagined he could have been so cruel to me. Whether or not it truly was the situation that had transpired for him and her, was it really necessary to tell me and inflict more pain on an already devastated person? In my opinion, it wasn't. He already had broken my heart, yet continued to turn the knife with each comment more and more.......and that is what hurts the most. Mickey, darling girl, I think that there is a very good chance those texts and emails were at the very least supervised by his BW (quite possibly written or dictated by her) as a condition of what may or may not be reconciliation. It just doesn't make any sense that he would have been so cruel to you for any other reason. And as far as him not coming back to you... be glad! He is well aware of the hurt he has inflicted, and the fact that he is NOT trying to drag you back in is really a sign of respect and regard. I know you probably don't see it that way, but it really is the truth. If he wanted to resume the affair whilst staying married that is truly the CRUELLEST thing he could do to you. And his wife. So lift that head up high girl, walk tall and be proud of yourself. You are a gorgeous person, I can tell by your posts. And lots of (((HUGS))) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 Why not tell anyone? I think the best thing a BS can do is to shame the cheater. I hate hypocrisy. What would shaming either of them do? She had a child old enough to understand and we have a child, I was really thinking of them. The only people I told was for support. I try to do no harm if I can. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 Mickey, darling girl, I think that there is a very good chance those texts and emails were at the very least supervised by his BW (quite possibly written or dictated by her) as a condition of what may or may not be reconciliation. It just doesn't make any sense that he would have been so cruel to you for any other reason. And as far as him not coming back to you... be glad! He is well aware of the hurt he has inflicted, and the fact that he is NOT trying to drag you back in is really a sign of respect and regard. I know you probably don't see it that way, but it really is the truth. If he wanted to resume the affair whilst staying married that is truly the CRUELLEST thing he could do to you. And his wife. So lift that head up high girl, walk tall and be proud of yourself. You are a gorgeous person, I can tell by your posts. And lots of (((HUGS))) Thanks WakingUp! It's just so hard to read stories of other exMM reaching out when I am craving it so badly. I know it will be a set back after all these weeks of NC. His wife is doing some crazy crazy stuff in FB with posting happy couple pics which hurts as well. It just blows my mind that it has taken so darn long to make the tiniest of progress. When others told me it would take a long time, I didn't believe them. But, here I am 3 months out an still loving him a bunch. Sigh. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 Mickey, there is nothing crazy about a wife posting pictures of happy times with her husband. Why are you stalking her Facebook page? How is that helping you? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted April 27, 2014 Share Posted April 27, 2014 The reality is that most affairs do NOT last. They do however, bring terrible pain to multiple people, and devastation to multiple families, many with innocent children. When you entered your affairs, did any of that concern you? If you have had your affair ended, why do you think it should be ended in a way that does not hurt you? Did you care who you were hurting when you were satisfying your hormones? Assuming you are all adults, what you should be saying is how can I avoid this behavior again instead of looking to make someone else out to be a terrible person. Yes the consequences hurt. Deal with it and do t be sorry for yourself Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted April 27, 2014 Share Posted April 27, 2014 Mickey, there is nothing crazy about a wife posting pictures of happy times with her husband. Why are you stalking her Facebook page? How is that helping you? I see no other pictures on there of him except for this one. She never cared enough to post one before. And, I'm not stalking her. That's one thing you have ZERO right to acuse me of. I looked at her FB for the very first time in months. And, I have ZERO desire to look again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted April 27, 2014 Share Posted April 27, 2014 I see no other pictures on there of him except for this one. She never cared enough to post one before. And, I'm not stalking her. That's one thing you have ZERO right to acuse me of. I looked at her FB for the very first time in months. And, I have ZERO desire to look again. But why do you deem that crazy? You don't know her so you have ZERO right to accuse her of anything. How do you really know what she ever cared about? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted April 27, 2014 Share Posted April 27, 2014 I see no other pictures on there of him except for this one. She never cared enough to post one before. And, I'm not stalking her. That's one thing you have ZERO right to acuse me of. I looked at her FB for the very first time in months. And, I have ZERO desire to look again. If you haven't looked at her Facebook page in months, how do you know she's never posted pictures of them before? Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted April 27, 2014 Share Posted April 27, 2014 Sorry mickey, but were stalking her FB page and apparently looked through her photos to see if there were any others of them as a couple. Again , the point is it does you no good on your path to a better you so make it the last time you do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted April 27, 2014 Share Posted April 27, 2014 If you haven't looked at her Facebook page in months, how do you know she's never posted pictures of them before? Ok, let me make myself clear. She has about 20 pictures on her FB page. I've looked twice. Once a few months ago and again a few days ago. There's one couple picture posted since I last looked. I hate FB. I GO ON once every few months. I'm not stalking her nor do I have any desire to look at her seemingly happy face again. Enuf said. Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted April 27, 2014 Share Posted April 27, 2014 Sorry mickey, but were stalking her FB page and apparently looked through her photos to see if there were any others of them as a couple. Again , the point is it does you no good on your path to a better you so make it the last time you do it. I would not call two views of her page in months stalking. See my post above. Of course I don't want to look again. Why would I want to inflict more pain on myself by looking at the "happy couple." Link to post Share on other sites
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