I had trouble with the "No contact rule" until I read...

[Cocochai]

This interesting article.. Not saying every A is in this situation but for those who have a XMM/XMW who did the hot/cold. Would disappear and show up begging/pleading.

 

Take a read and tell me what you think (Especially for those struggling with NC).

 

It makes perfectly good sense as to why my emotions are up/down and received after not hearing from him for months after he breaks things off. Then holding my self like a 5 year old on whether or not to respond to a text.

 

Read some of the comments as well...

 

A narcissist will always return to a former lover to make sure that his narcissistic supply is still pining for him. This return – or hoovering – will happen whenever the narcissist chooses and typically not until he’s been gone just slightly longer than the time before. This way, the narcissist conditions his victim to not only expect him to come back but also to expect him to come back at a much later date (or at a time just a tad bit longer than the last time), thus giving him more play time in the interim. Again, this is all part of the narcissist’s control/validate tactic which, in turn, is all a part of the process of managing down your expectations. The hoover usually follows a silent treatment (which is really a break-up in disguise) and comes long after the victim has been completely devastated by the silence. The narcissist may hoover in several different ways and for various reasons, with each hoovering event staged according to that pathological relationship agenda he lives by.

 

The narcissist returns so that he can make sure that you never move on from the pain that he caused you. And that is the only reason, my friends. He wants to always make sure that you’re in the queue, ready and waiting. It’s a very sick game that will steal years and years from your life. This is the very reason that no contact must be enforced in order to maintain your recovery and break the codependency to hope that he counts on you to cling to while he is gone. Remember, the narcissist is never worried about what you’re doing while he’s gone or that you’ve found a better love because he’s conditioned you to act a certain way. He’s counting on it based on how he’s seen you react either to his leaving or to his returning.

 

Read more and also click the various links... We always say how we are feeding into their egos. Not saying all are the classic "N".. But some of it does play a part in the cycle of some coming back and stopping on their terms.

 

A Narcissist Always Returns (the Hoovering)

Edited April 4, 2014 by Cocochai

[Cocochai]

“How long will the Silent Treatment last?” is always the big question. Will it go on for a day, a week, a month or even longer? Not knowing when it ends is intended to invoke anxiety in the person on the receiving end – and it does. The longer it lasts, the worse the separation anxiety becomes and the more likely you are to feel depressed, jealous, confused, isolated, unworthy etc. The more desperation we feel, the harder it is to follow the no contact rule and give up the need for closure. We become the puppet that he intended to create and he becomes the Narcissistic Puppeteer.

 

The silence is meant to hurt you. It is meant to teach you a lesson. And, make no mistake, the silence is always a way for the narcissist to buy himself some free time for being with someone else or for hustling up new sources of supply.

 

Again I'm not saying all A's behave like this but if your experiencing some of the characteristics explained... You may want to consider NC.

 

This has really made me go further with not accepting the next time my XMM reaches out

[blue963]

Interesting read. Makes me wonder if someone can do this and not be aware of it. Opinion?

[Popsicle]

wow, that's pretty powerful.

[blue963]

I think there are alot of single men who act in this way too.

[Cocochai]

Interesting read. Makes me wonder if someone can do this and not be aware of it. Opinion?

 

Well let me tell you blue, my child's father i always believed was one expect, he wasn't M. But very controlling, lacked empathy for my feelings and never found fault in his ways. The only way I could not be emotionally drained was.. Leave and never look back.

 

I didn't want to think this but in my case with the XMM, the characteristics are on point. I know some will chime in and say not for all A's but the majority I believe is true. The emotional manipulation and every post I read someone point out how draining and out of character they become.

 

Not putting all the blame on one person (hello I did engage) but I see how the "on there terms" comes about.

 

And remember... If they respect your wishes to end the A and never look back. That shows something.

[Cocochai]

Interesting read. Makes me wonder if someone can do this and not be aware of it. Opinion?

 

Yes.. They are not aware because they simply don't care.. Remember a Narcissist thinks the world revolves around them.

 

Now don't get arrogance/confidence with Narcissist confused.

[Lady2163]

This interesting article.. Not saying every A is in this situation but for those who have a XMM/XMW who did the hot/cold. Would disappear and show up begging/pleading.

 

Take a read and tell me what you think (Especially for those struggling with NC).

 

It makes perfectly good sense as to why my emotions are up/down and received after not hearing from him for months after he breaks things off. Then holding my self like a 5 year old on whether or not to respond to a text.

 

Read some of the comments as well...

 

 

This really struck home with me. Not anything to do with any of the MM ive ever been with, but one time I had the misfortune of dating an alcoholic for 15 months. He was older and we would great for six weeks or so them he would pick a fight. We never had normal fights, these were always fights that ended with us breaking up. I never caved and called him, usually he was insulting enough that I didn't want to be first. He almost always had to apologize. 5 - 10 days later he would. Then it got to be two weeks.

 

There was a practical physical reason to all of this. I was 20 years younger and quite happily wearing him out in the bedroom. Before Viagra. Rather than admit he needed a rest, he fight.

 

There were many other problems and signs. I've called him selfish and a sociopath, but for some reason I never thought to call him a narcissist. I al ost think that fits better than selfish.

 

I also believe he is going to Hell when he dies. There aren't many people I truly believe that about. He is just evil.

[inappfriendly]

All I can say is YUP. I needed to read this post today.Thanks for sharing the article!

[martaldn]

I can relate on that especially when it says " A narcissist will always return to a former lover to make sure that his narcissistic supply is still pining for him. This return – or hoovering – will happen whenever the narcissist chooses and typically not until he’s been gone just slightly longer than the time before. "

 

In the beginning we had short breaks from each other.. like 2/3 days.. then became weeks and now months.. he always came back with some stupid excuses and I have always taken him back.. and vice versa.

 

this time he can go "hoovering" someone else.

[Cocochai]

Had to add one more nite from the article

 

 

The “No Contact” Rule for leaving a narcissist means exactly what it states – no contact. No emails, no texts, no late night dial and hang-ups, no drive-by’s, no contacting by proxy via friends, no Facebook or date site stalking, no leaving notes on his car or apartment door, no sending letters by mail……NO NOTHING. And it’s freakin’ hard!

 

No Contact also doesn’t apply only to when you leave the narcissist but also to when the narcissist leaves you which is more likely to happen in a Discard when you least expect it. When you’ve decided that enough is enough with his pathological relationship agenda…when you start daydreaming about being free of the anxiety…when you start doodling the words no contact all over the place….when you have all of these fine agendas in place but still can’t leave the narcissist and then he leaves you, you can still go no contact because you know he’ll be back someday – and when he does, you don’t have to be there.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

This is a really great explanation and once again we see that no contact is to protect YOU.

[FoolishOW]

Good article to read, even if it leans a bit towards the AP being a little more "cunning, clever, in control" than I would have actually given my EAP credit for. Of course it uses a wide sweeping brush to paint those who fit the mold in several mentioned behaviors, but I don't think that takes anything from the overall message. If it helps people to remain (or begin) NC, then it's all good in my book.

 

 

Is every AP a diagnosed narcissist? Doubtful, in my opinion, but that doesn't diminish the usefulness of viewing them in a similar light to strengthen your resolve.

[Cocochai]

My question tho is if the AP is a Narsassticz.. How can one actually stay Married to them.

 

Do they hide or manipulate the marriage or stay on track and leave all the games for the OW/OM.

 

Because if being involved is a pain.. How does one stay Married to one is my question.

[Lady2163]

I think they are able to mute their narcissism.

 

How often have you seen it where there is a divorce, but kids still desperately love daddy and think he is fabulous and live for the weekends they get to see him? It drove a friend of mine nuts for 15 years. The ex was "so great" to the kids, but continued to make her life miserable, drag her to court whenever he could, constantly test the limits. If kids went to him with new pair of boots, that would be the weekend he'd decide to take them on a muddy nature walk (finally, they had to have clothes/shoes for Moms house and clothes/shoes for dads house - this included everything down to underwear).

 

As the kids got older, they realized dad was more controlling and narcissistic. Bad feelings started when they had to miss weekend school events because Dad had plans and wouldn't let them go. Then it started when Dad had plans with kids, wouldn't let kids go and then plans somehow got changed or altered when it was too late for kids to go to school event. One child, when she was 17 and a Freshman in college actually told her dad, "I'm very busy. Don't call me. If you're not going to learn to text, I'll call you when I have time."

 

It's funny in a way, but I'm also thinking that child may be a narcissist as well...

[TAV]

Had to add one more nite from the article

 

I'm not in your situation but was married to a narcissist. I can tell you that it is not easy when YOU decide to leave them. He would not have it, things can only go according to their rules and he made me and my children suffer for over a year. To be frank I still watch my back now. Before I told him I wanted to divorce him I thought he'd always put his children first. I know better now. He does not care as long as he gets what he wants. From them and from me.

 

I'm not fully aware of your situation but for anyone who wants to leave a narcissist; prepare yourself for the battle of a lifetime.

[Cocochai]

I'm not in your situation but was married to a narcissist. I can tell you that it is not easy when YOU decide to leave them. He would not have it, things can only go according to their rules and he made me and my children suffer for over a year. To be frank I still watch my back now. Before I told him I wanted to divorce him I thought he'd always put his children first. I know better now. He does not care as long as he gets what he wants. From them and from me.

 

I'm not fully aware of your situation but for anyone who wants to leave a narcissist; prepare yourself for the battle of a lifetime.

 

My sons father was very controlling... Kept me from my family and used our toddler at the time as a pawn.

 

When he couldn't control my where abouts (our relationship was done years later)... He called and harrased my parents looking for me. That was the last straw and last time I spoke/delt with him. And to this day... He'll say he was the victim.

 

I already know my XMM prob gives his BS a hard time because he's mentioned that before but confessed he'd never tell her it's his fault. She maybe have a high tollerence to his behavior. But people like him love themselves, their kids, then BS. In some cases the OW/OM before the BS.

 

Either way that's her problem and I'm glad I'm finally able to see exactly what I was dealing w/. XMM may not favor all of the characteristic but def the stop/go cycle.

 

Sorry you had to go tru that.., I can relate!

Edited April 4, 2014 by Cocochai

[TAV]

My sons father was very controlling... Kept me from my family and used our toddler at the time as a pawn.

 

When he couldn't control my where abouts (our relationship was done years later)... He called and harrased my parents looking for me. That was the last straw and last time I spoke/delt with him. And to this day... He'll say he was the victim.

 

I already know my XMM prob gives his BS a hard time because he's mentioned that before but confessed he'd never tell her it's his fault. She maybe have a high tollerence to his behavior. But people like him love themselves, their kids, then BS. In some cases the OW/OM before the BS.

 

Either way that's her problem and I'm glad I'm finally able to see exactly what I was dealing w/. XMM may not favor all of the characteristic but def the stop/go cycle.

 

Yes, my ex-husband involved all of my friends and my parents in trying to make me change my mind. He also had no trouble manipulating his children (because he knew it was my weak spot). He also made out to be the victim, I even found out he told our GP a blatant lie to get her sympathy. I started laughing when she told me (because it was so sad it was rediculous) and she looked at me as if I'd gone insane. Thankfully I could prove to her with the help of google his story could never be true.

 

Nothing surprises me anymore. The good thing he is seeing someone else now and that's the only way to get narcissists off your back.

 

I'm glad you got away from both men. Never falling for a possessive man ever again.

[muststopthecycle]

This is very good to read today. I don't think my XOM is narscasstic, however, I will tell myself he IS, so I stay strong!!

 

 

I do see the pattern in some senses: Breaks contact, then hoovers in and out (with extended periods of NC in between each time). But when he comes back, its under the guise of concern for my wellbeing. "Are you ok?". I do see that is likely more for a quick hit on his ego than anything.......if I'm NOT ok, it means I'm still pining for him. I think maybe next time I will simply put it that I appreciate his concern, but I am no longer his concern, and to focus on his family (which was what HE wanted).