Reasons for Cheating

[cnt2infinity]

Do any of you agree that men do not need a reason to cheat? and on the other hand, women need a reason to cheat.

 

Having looked into this every man I know has cheated and every women I know has had a man cheat on them. But in most occurounces the women has got revenge on the male after having found out. On top of it all do women suspect it and always look out for tale tale signs? Isn't it always something small that gives it a way, something the male forgets to hide or is it simply that the female can sense it.

 

Can the other be forgiven even let alone the person to forgive themselves? It is tormenting in a way, but in a way men have this urge to continuously have sex in their lives and then with marriage coming into play.

 

When I was separated I found a partner and so did my other half. I have been told that its common to date and maybe have sex while separated (this was after it happen). But I hate myself for doing it. I consider myself to have cheated on my wife and therefore the marriage has a scar. Even though it was good at the time and different it makes me feel sick to my stomach. WHY? she did the same, shouldnt I feel even?

 

Me and my wife are back together now. And it seems strange. I love her and hate her (mostly loving her). I don't know how she feels about me. She said she thinks she loves me, but that was after a discussion of what happened during the separation. The problem I have know is that my wife wants to know certain things that happened on my side! I don't know what to tell her and we both agreed not to bring it up anymore. Again I feel sick to my stomach when she asks me.

 

Even though I did have a partner, I think the worst thing that I did was let my health go. I started smoking a pack a day, stopped jogging and did not eat right. I am now eating right, stopped smoking and will start jogging as soon as I get home. If I didnt let myself go in the first place I would have been okay. I know its hard but I must not forget that I am number one. Putting your family ahead is something you can do, but it cannot change who you really are.

 

I have myself to thank in the sense that I have changed. I have changed to the person I once was and not the person I was changed into. No one is to blame for I can no longer blame anyone. The faults that occored are a different story. I can and will heal, but not completely. The women I slept with, somewhat changed me. She told me I was sexy, a great caring person, funny. But the weirest thing is that she told me that my wife was lucky to have me!! WHAT! how can someone say this after what ive been through. These are the words I need in life and this is what helped change me.

 

So I guess seperation has its ups and downs, positive and negatives and all that crap. But it done me good. I wouldnt want it to happen again, but I know who I am now. And what I need to do in life.

 

Thanks...

CnT2InFiNiTy

 

Even though I am a man, I would certainly not trust myself. I think trust no longer exists for now.

[in love and lonely]

How long did it take for you and your wife to get back. I am in the midst of the same situation. My wife and I are seperated and she is seeing someone else. I am thinking of doing this but not sure I can. On the point of trust I think you would have to look at the misery one puts on another person as well as yourself and I think you would not stray again. Remember to err is human but to repeat the same mistake is definitely foolish.

[cnt2infinity]

Change in content!!

 

I hate to call it cheating........It was more of an intimate affair with amendment.

[cnt2infinity]

She left November 17 and returned December 18th. One month and one day to be exact. It was to short of a time. I was just getting over the initial pain of it all and starting to enjoy myself with friends and others. 3 to 4 months is a good separation time for my situations. She asked to come back. I guess things are getting better day by day. It takes time to heal, like we all know.

 

I guess it is common to see others, but dont get too involved because it can make the whole process stretched out. Dont fall in love, it can screw things up. I almost fell in love several times but stopped it before it could happen.

[MassiveAtom]

Yes, There are reasons people use to understand why they strayed from the marriage, and went outside to find sexual gratification. This is not to say that those reasons are used to justify the marital misconduct. Granted, if the affair is "found out" then the betrayal continues through confrontation. This is nearly an impossible situation.

 

But if the affair is "given up, " it shows true remorse.

 

Some would say that revealing an affair to a spouse is an effort to rid oneself of guilt. That's like saying you tell someone you love them so you'll feel like you love them. It doesn't work. The guilt stays with you and resurfaces as fear. It haunts your life with uncertainty about everyone else. It marrs the relationship so deeply that there is no cauterizing the wound. It will heal, but the scar is unconcealable.

 

After an affair, a remorseful man is deeply distraught and suffers a total loss of self esteem. He wonders how he stooped to such a level, he finds himself unable to give and receive love openly, and completely. He is more than likely, this misguided unfortunate fellow, to consider taking his own life, for his moral worth to the world is questionable.

 

The one reason that is most common, is that the husband feels quite abandoned by his wife after the birth of their children. It really is a sad testament of parenthood that this happens. Women routinely abandon their marital relationship when kids arrive, and expect the father to become Mom #2. It's an excruciating loss for a husband, the isolation is extremely hard. And the new demands and redirection of affections are extremely troubling. Anything you do to try and reconnect is met with stiff opposition and disrespectful behavior. This is what happenned to me. This is why we separated, this is why I sought companionship elsewhere. This is why I'm longer married.

 

It is incredibly difficult for both.

 

And I think "YES" a man in love with his wife needs to be almost pushed into an extramarital affair. And pushed HARD!

[rble618740]

I usually agree with MA on things...but, on this, I don't. I should start by saying, I don't have any experience with affairs. That may make me a less credible person to speak on this topic, or a more credible person in some ways. I do not judge people who have had affairs, but I take issue with the adulterer as victim. Though circumstances in your marriage may make you more likely to look outside for the connection you need, the affair is the responsibility of the person who engages in it. If I treat my husband in a way that pushes him from me or distances him from me, I am responsible for that. But no marriage is perfect, and an imperfect marriage does not excuse breaking a vow. I don't keep my vows because of my husband, I keep my vows because of my integrity and my sense of what is right and wrong. Him treating me poorly or neglecting me is wrong - but it's his wrong, his responsibility, his action over which I have no control. It is not related to me sleeping with someone else. If I had an affair, that would be a reflection of a weakness in me, something over which I had control, a promise I broke, a promise that was not conditioned on my husband's actions when I made it. It would be my responsibility, and mine alone.

 

That having been said, marriages recover from adultery. It is especially a possibility in your case because the key to recovering from an affair is forgiveness. Since you and your wife went outside the marriage while you were separated, it should be easier for you to forgive each other. Your issue, as I see it, is whether you can forgive yourself. Having gotten off my high horse about why adultery is wrong, I believe you acknowledge it was wrong, take responsibility for the hurt it caused your wife, and forgive yourself for doing it. Your wife should do the same. What is interesting to me about your post is that you said that you and your wife agreed not to bring the subject up anymore, but that you feel guilty when she asks you about it. Perhaps she needs to be reminded that you agreed not to discuss it, or maybe she needs some help letting go. As a woman, I know that we sometimes can dwell on things in a harmful manner. Everything is relational for us (it's like a ball of yarn - everything is attached to something else). It's why interpret your actions, sometimes, as having some bigger meaning. Men's thoughts are more like - hotels. You have a different room for different aspects of your life and you can close the door on a room and not enter it again. I think this allows men to let go of things a little easier. In fact, I think you'd be able to let your guilt go a little easier if your wife wasn't causing you to remember it so often.

 

You were wrong to sleep with someone while you were married - but the circumstances were unique. You are not a bad person, we've all put "scars" on our marriages in one way or another. We all do things that are wrong. The scar will heal if you can both stop picking at it. After time, when you've worked to reestablish your trust in each other, what happened will be a bad memory - but it will be history, not a hurtful situation in the present.

 

I wish you the best. I have been blatently honest but, hopefully, helpful. Your post makes you sound like a wonderful man. Don't beat yourself up for what you can't change, just learn from that mistake.

[MassiveAtom]

RBLE!!!

 

It's been ahwile. That post was beautiful. Honest, but not brutal, Stern but kind. You have a gift. Thanks for using it here.

 

And certainly the adulterer is not a victim. The reasons were used to understand the action. Not to justify it. That way It'll never happen again.

 

like never before,

 

MA

[Yikes]

When it comes to cheating the "why" is irrelavent. Wrong is wrong. If you feel the need to be with someone else (what ever your reason), then behave like a grown-up. Tell your partner, part ways and go screw yourself silly. Don't disrespect them by sneaking around behind their back.

 

I am not saying that people don't have good reasons to look for something else. Some may have excellent reasons to want something more and it's often very complicated... BUT DON"T CHEAT!

[VirginiaBob]

Yikes: Right on!!! I hate when people try to justify cheating.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by VirginiaBob

Yikes: Right on!!! I hate when people try to justify cheating.

 

Again, no justifications, just reasons that help to understand why it happens.

[Yikes]

Wanting to be happy is human. I have no problem with that. We all want to be happy.

 

I guess I don't like the expression "Reasons People Cheat" because there are none, IT'S A CHOICE! There are however reasons why someone might be unhappy in their present relationship. Wanting something better is certainly not a mistake.

 

I hate it when people have this long stinkin' list "This is why I cheated". Bull $hit. You may have a long list about things that you were unhappy about, but they don't MAKE you cheat. You do that one all by yourself.

 

(This is a touchy issue with me in case you couldn't tell.)

[VirginiaBob]

I agree Yikes, if you are unhappy with your current mate, be mature about it and break up or divorce first. Then after you have truly given yourself time to move on, consider finding someone new. Finding someone new while still with someone else = immature.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by Yikes

You may have a long list about things that you were unhappy about, but they don't MAKE you cheat. You do that one all by yourself.

 

Exactly, and the men and women I've talked to who have, don't want to try and justify their actions. The distinction is between, understanding themselves and justifying it to themselves.

 

Everyone I've ever talked with about an affair, is remorseful AND wishes they'd never made the conscious decision to cheat on their spouses.

 

It's not that fine a line as far as distinctions go. But I may not be explaining the idea very clearly. If not, forgive me. And let's keep talking, maybe we'll figure out that we actually agree about this.

 

do no harm,

 

 

MA

[Yikes]

MA...

 

I don't think we disagree on this as such. Personally I know of more cheaters who continually try to justify their affairs rather that be accountable for their actions.

 

I understand all about feelings. I understand why someone might be unhappy in their present relationship. What I don't understand is how someone could crap all over someone they once loved. I personally couldn't do that. If things got so bad that my marriage was doomed, I'd get out. Let's face it, having an affair is not going to help matters any, but make things worse.

 

I can get my head around the fact that my wife was feeling disconnected. I can get my head around the fact that she developed feelings for my "ex best friend". The problem that I have is what they did about it. Call me crazy, but I have a problem with being lied to, cheated on and being used - I'm funny that way.

 

The really sad fact is, if you start to feel like you are losing your connection with your partner and address it early on, a lot of marriages could be saved.

[MassiveAtom]

Well now I KNOW we don't disagree on this at all.

 

I love it when I reach an understanding and common ground with other people.

 

It feels like hope springs eternal.

 

 

 

MA