He has bi polar

[HeavenOrHell]

Maybe you could tell this man then that he's wrong in saying he recovered.

 

5 Things People With Depression Can do to Stop Being Stigmatised -

 

 

 

There are many forms of bipolar disorder and they're all incurable. .

[ThatMan]

There is nothing wrong with someone talking about personal experience, I take issue though when there are generalisations just because their experience was bad.

FL's partner didn't have bi-polar, so likening her ex to OP's bf doesn't make sense >Basically he is a mean, unsympathetic dude (I didn't know this fully for years though because I was a meathead) who just looks out for himself, Number #1.

 

He treated what I believe is also depression (and possibly bi-polar, he was never diagnosed, but he sure acted like it with the binging and spending and erratic behaviour) with drugs (marijuana) and alcoholism. <

 

It's like lumping flu and cancer together

 

I did not say love can cure bi-polar.

 

Bipolar disorder - Treatment - NHS Choices

I referred to a woman who spoke with a bipolar man for a month. She believed that bipolar disorder will just go away.

 

The OP doesn't seem to know what mental illness is all about. Wanting to be supportive of a loved one is perfectly acceptable but there is a limit. As a concerned friend, relative, or spouse of someone with bipolar disorder; it is not within your ability to serve the role as healer. Love does not heal bipolar disorder. The OPs beliefs aren't very compassionate or understanding despite how admirable it may seem on the surface. So I hope that she can look back on this past month of contact with him as a learning experience...

 

I get that her own experiences are extremely likely to be very different than others. It doesn't mean that there's generalizations going on here. There is a common goal for any suppo6rtive relationship that involves mental illness. Individuals must learn how to advocate for themselves in a different way. There's a great deal to these relationships that revolve entirely around building entirely new skillsets that include coping with the disorder itself, saying no to abusive behavior, and maintaining the strength to walk away if necessary. These sort of relationships are frequently toxic because those with bipolar disorder aren't given a choice whether or not they have an episode. Their spouse is the only person who is given a choice to establish healthy boundaries. Sometimes their spouses fall short of the burdens are responsibilities that are demanded of them. You just cannot do that if you're codependent and think that love conquers bipolar disorder.

[Allumere]

I think ALL of the advice and experiences here are legitimate. Mental illness is as complex and unique as the individual that has it. That said the general descriptions and pitfalls we hear about are valid as they are visible, repeatable and well documented for both the individual with the mental illness and those who are their friends, family and spouse.

 

Curable? No Manageable? In many cases but not all, absolutely but it takes a tremendous effort on the part of the person with the illness to do so. It is those who are able to become very self-aware, vigilant, and open about their illness that have the most success. That means they generally have very strong boundaries (not necessarily avoidance but awareness of when they need to step back or ask ask for help) and are open to feedback of those around them that perceive a shift in mood/behavior. Again, it can take years for the person with the illness to get to this point (something these folks don't get enough credit for...it has to feel like just giving in is easier at times).

 

I have been on the bi-polar roller coaster with my ex. His was bi-polar unspecified however his cycles/behavior during the manic phase was documented extremes of risky, selfish and self-destructive behavior. He was also a good example of the struggle the individual with the illness in accepting that something is wrong with him, with the mind that made him successful in his career. Having to accept that he really wasn't superman so to speak took years. Fighting the side-effects of medications and hating how they slowed him down, taking his super powers away. I can tell you that I didn't have the strength to handle everything as it ultimately had very negative effects on my own health BUT that was on me, not on him. Unless you yourself are extremely solid with your own boundaries, life, friends, great support system and knowledge of what your significant other is going through, it is not a path you will be able to continue on for the long term.

[ThatMan]

Maybe you could tell this man then that he's wrong in saying he recovered.

 

5 Things People With Depression Can do to Stop Being Stigmatised -

When did I say recovery is impossible?

Whether we're dealing with social anxiety disorder, depression, schizophrenia, or bipolar disorder - mental illness cannot be cured. These disorders can be managed through various means and possibly brought into what's called remission. These disorders cannot truly go away, or somehow be cured, but those with the disorders can go periods of time with the symptoms abated.

 

You're way out of line to suggest to the OP that bipolar isn't in fact incurable. And you are also completely wrong and every respected organization such as NAMI would strongly disagree with you. For some it takes years of hard work with the collaboration of various professionals to bring bipolar disorder under control. Even then the medications might need continued adjustment. This takes a lot of hard work and we shouldn't pretend otherwise. Some couples even bond together over the common goal of learning more about the disorder and how to manage it. It takes far more trust and intimacy to accomplish that than a month of communication.

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes but when you replied to ME you said love doesn't conquer it and I didn't get why you were saying that to me when I hadn't said that, nor did I say bi-polar would just go away.

My point, again, is that you can't not generalise about mental health, for example social anxiety can be far less severe than bi-polar, it is two entirely different things.

So as I said, I do not think it is fair to avoid r/ships with anyone with mental health problems, I find that extremely judgemental.

 

I referred to a woman who spoke with a bipolar man for a month. She believed that bipolar disorder will just go away.

 

The OP doesn't seem to know what mental illness is all about. Wanting to be supportive of a loved one is perfectly acceptable but there is a limit. As a concerned friend, relative, or spouse of someone with bipolar disorder; it is not within your ability to serve the role as healer. Love does not heal bipolar disorder. The OPs beliefs aren't very compassionate or understanding despite how admirable it may seem on the surface. So I hope that she can look back on this past month of contact with him as a learning experience...

 

I get that her own experiences are extremely likely to be very different than others. It doesn't mean that there's generalizations going on here. There is a common goal for any suppo6rtive relationship that involves mental illness. Individuals must learn how to advocate for themselves in a different way. There's a great deal to these relationships that revolve entirely around building entirely new skillsets that include coping with the disorder itself, saying no to abusive behavior, and maintaining the strength to walk away if necessary. These sort of relationships are frequently toxic because those with bipolar disorder aren't given a choice whether or not they have an episode. Their spouse is the only person who is given a choice to establish healthy boundaries. Sometimes their spouses fall short of the burdens are responsibilities that are demanded of them. You just cannot do that if you're codependent and think that love conquers bipolar disorder.

[HeavenOrHell]

Quote; >There are many forms of bipolar disorder and they're all incurable.<

To me that is implying a person will never recover.

 

I know that many mental illnesses will surface again if treatment stops, however I also know people who no longer have depression despite no longer having treatment. My ex partner for example, the one who was suicidal, he has completely recovered after getting the right help.

 

I am not talking only about bi-polar in my posts, my experience is more with severe depression and social anxiety and GAD.

 

 

When did I say recovery is impossible?

Whether we're dealing with social anxiety disorder, depression, schizophrenia, or bipolar disorder - mental illness cannot be cured. These disorders can be managed through various means and possibly brought into what's called remission. These disorders cannot truly go away, or somehow be cured, but those with the disorders can go periods of time with the symptoms abated.

 

You're way out of line to suggest to the OP that bipolar isn't in fact incurable. And you are also completely wrong and every respected organization such as NAMI would strongly disagree with you. For some it takes years of hard work with the collaboration of various professionals to bring bipolar disorder under control. Even then the medications might need continued adjustment. This takes a lot of hard work and we shouldn't pretend otherwise. Some couples even bond together over the common goal of learning more about the disorder and how to manage it. It takes far more trust and intimacy to accomplish that than a month of communication.

[ThatMan]

The point isn't that mental illness somehow makes people evil. The point is that the OP is clearly ill-equipped to handle a relationship with a bipolar man at this moment. It's unfair of her take outright offense for his depressive swings, expect him to be curable, for her to falsely believe affections may take away the disorder itself. He never had a choice in the matter to be this way but she does have many choices. Relationships with mental illness in the mix, including established relationships with new bouts of depression that crop up, require an exact skillset for people to function in a healthy way. She isn't remotely prepared for the very real features of the disorder. As somebody already said, "If you aren't afraid of mania then you don't know what it is."

 

Sharing stories that merely speak to one's own point of view isn't an attempt to slander or shame. This is the opportunity to recognize what's entailed in various relationships involving the mentally ill.

 

And again, nobody is saying that recovery is impossible. However, these disorders are incurable and never truly go away. What you've personally witnessed is a man entering remission for his depression. Depression can sometimes have a very long but temporary abatement of symptoms. Those who have experienced depression will always be at risk of future reassurance, forever. Any given person might have a medical chart laying around that says, "Dx of depression but without symptoms for... ten years..."

[HeavenOrHell]

My point in a nutshell; having mental health issues doesn't *automatically* equate to that person being nasty or difficult to be with, people can be those things without mental health problems just as easily, and many of my friends have mental health problems and are the loveliest, most compassionate people. So yeah, take each person as they come.

[LittleTiger]

My point in a nutshell; having mental health issues doesn't *automatically* equate to that person being nasty or difficult to be with, people can be those things without mental health problems just as easily, and many of my friends have mental health problems and are the loveliest, most compassionate people. So yeah, take each person as they come.

 

HOH, I don't think anybody intended to imply that having mental health issues equates to that person automatically being nasty - or that mentally 'healthy' people can't be nasty or difficult. Although in many cases when a healthy person is continually nasty and difficult this is often because of a psychological issue (if not an unrecognised illness) that hasn't been dealt with.

 

However, as someone who has past experience of coping with a partner with mental health problems, and having a lifelong history of hormonally related depression, anxiety and OCD myself (albeit now thankfully mostly under control after many years of drugs and therapy), I have to say that it is definitely more difficult to be in a relationship with someone who is 'actively' mentally ill than with someone who is mentally and psychologically healthy.

 

I know I am a very kind, loving and compassionate person. I also know that, if I relapse and become depressed or anxious, it can have a huge negative impact on my relationship and on the man I'm with until he learns how to deal with it - if he 'can' learn how to deal with it. Not everybody is equipped to cope or even wants to try.

 

Like most people in this thread, I have advised to OP to walk away. Not because the guy she is talking to is mentally ill and therefore nasty or difficult but because:

 

1. He is 'actively' mentally ill.

2. She is not emotionally or mentally equipped to cope with his illness.

3. She is already suffering anxiety because of his behaviour (which is a direct result of his illness) after only a few weeks of 'virtual' contact with him and ...

4. ...most importantly because she has never met him and, most likely (because of his illness) she will not meet him for a very long time - if ever!

[HeavenOrHell]

I understand what you're saying, but am also thinking but how would you feel if people advised your partner to walk away from you because of your problems if there's the possibility of relapse?

Yes, not everyone is equipped to deal with it, and it doesn't sound like the OP would be, which is fair enough.

 

 

HOH, I don't think anybody intended to imply that having mental health issues equates to that person automatically being nasty - or that mentally 'healthy' people can't be nasty or difficult. Although in many cases when a healthy person is continually nasty and difficult this is often because of a psychological issue (if not an unrecognised illness) that hasn't been dealt with.

 

However, as someone who has past experience of coping with a partner with mental health problems, and having a lifelong history of hormonally related depression, anxiety and OCD myself (albeit now thankfully mostly under control after many years of drugs and therapy), I have to say that it is definitely more difficult to be in a relationship with someone who is 'actively' mentally ill than with someone who is mentally and psychologically healthy.

 

I know I am a very kind, loving and compassionate person. I also know that, if I relapse and become depressed or anxious, it can have a huge negative impact on my relationship and on the man I'm with until he learns how to deal with it - if he 'can' learn how to deal with it. Not everybody is equipped to cope or even wants to try.

 

Like most people in this thread, I have advised to OP to walk away. Not because the guy she is talking to is mentally ill and therefore nasty or difficult but because:

 

1. He is 'actively' mentally ill.

2. She is not emotionally or mentally equipped to cope with his illness.

3. She is already suffering anxiety because of his behaviour (which is a direct result of his illness) after only a few weeks of 'virtual' contact with him and ...

4. ...most importantly because she has never met him and, most likely (because of his illness) she will not meet him for a very long time - if ever!

[juicygirl]

I think the problem most have with the op is that she seems to not understand the disorder, which indicates that she hasn't done must, if any research and making decisions based of the magical feeling she's getting.

 

 

Bipolar, severe depression and social anxiety are completely difference disorders and shouldn't be compared.

The advanage op has is that her possible new lover has told her of his illness, so she can decide for herself ahead of time, wether she wants to continue with a relationship. Also,her lover is consciously aware of what is happening to him, as he informed her his in a depressed state, but she express she still felt blocked out and took it personally, therefore she doesn't understand it's the disorder he can't just snap out of it or be happy just for her.

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes, agreed

 

 

I think the problem most have with the op is that she seems to not understand the disorder, which indicates that she hasn't done must, if any research and making decisions based of the magical feeling she's getting.

 

 

Bipolar, severe depression and social anxiety are completely difference disorders and shouldn't be compared.

The advanage op has is that her possible new lover has told her of his illness, so she can decide for herself ahead of time, wether she wants to continue with a relationship. Also,her lover is consciously aware of what is happening to him, as he informed her his in a depressed state, but she express she still felt blocked out and took it personally, therefore she doesn't understand it's the disorder he can't just snap out of it or be happy just for her.

[almond]

As horrible as it is, people diagnosed with bipolar have an incredibly difficult time in relationships. This is unfortunately just the way it is. Bipolar is very serious, and relapses can be dangerous. Managing this illness is extremely hard, and it takes a very intelligent, patient, secure and understanding partner for the relationship to even have a hope of working out. It is a journey for the partner as well, and they must grow, educate themselves and continually aid in the management of the illness - it's a lifelong battle for everyone involved, and things can get hairy fast. It consumes your life at times.

 

I absolutely agree that we have to be careful not to generalise or feed into the stigma surrounding mental illness, but the facts unfortunately remain.

 

Bipolar is hereditary...and having kids and managing a relationship is tough at the best of times. But with a bipolar spouse? It's tougher than tough while they're unwell. And the risk that your children will go on to develop bipolar as well? You need to be able to deal with that, and that risk is not insignificant either. If you want to walk that road, you must do so with your eyes wide open, and be educated and prepared - there is a lot to consider. The divorce rate for people diagnosed with bipolar was sitting at around 90% last time I checked

 

How do I know all of this? My partner of five and a half years was recently diagnosed with bipolar...he had shown no symptoms for the first few years at all - neither of us had any idea as to what was about to hit us. Are we working through it? Yes. Am I scared? Terrified.

 

I am somewhat qualified in the area of mental health, and I myself am very secure and healthy. But I will tell you now, dealing with his manic episode was one of the hardest, most painful and confusing things I have ever experienced in my life, and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. We separated. He then ended up hospitalised and a former shell of himself a few weeks later. It was ugly all round. Would I do it all over again if I had the choice? If I could turn back the clock and never have met him? Yes, I love him more than anything. But would I ever knowingly enter a relationship with a man diagnosed with bipolar? No, I would not. What I do know though is that my partner loves me more than anything, and apart from the episode of mania that he experienced, we have had a fantastic relationship - couldn't have asked for more, truly. He became a different person when he was manic though, and definitely not in a good way. It was very traumatic, and even though I knew exactly what was going on, it was still very damaging for the both of us. The thought of him experiencing another episode makes me feel ill...and sometimes, they cannot be prevented.

 

He has committed himself to treatment and has been following through amazingly - I would have walked if he hadn't. He is taking responsibility for his health, and treating it very seriously. I am very proud of him. We have postponed all of out plans for the future until this can be sorted properly...a real spanner in the works.

 

With that being said, his bipolar diagnosis is not set in stone - his symptoms were that of a manic episode, but it has now become clear that the bipolar diagnosis was likely inaccurate. We are consulting with a specialist currently who has confirmed this. Bipolar is very expensive too...doctors, specialists, psychs, meds. Third opinion will be coming soon, and he is currently having brain scans to determine whether something else is the culprit.

 

It has been a hard road for both of us, but we're soldiering on. My heart goes out to everyone experiencing something similar.

[LittleTiger]

I understand what you're saying, but am also thinking but how would you feel if people advised your partner to walk away from you because of your problems if there's the possibility of relapse?

Yes, not everyone is equipped to deal with it, and it doesn't sound like the OP would be, which is fair enough.

 

Of course I wouldn't want anyone to tell my partner to walk away because of my depression - but we have been in a relationship for four and a half years and we're both emotionally mature enough to be able to deal with any problems either of us might have - together.

 

BUT

 

This isn't about me or anyone else in a long term relationship. This is about a girl who has been speaking to a guy on the internet for a few weeks. A guy she has never even met - and she is already struggling to cope with his mental illness, because she isn't emotionally equipped to do so.

 

If I was the guy in this situation and I was going through a period of severe depression, I would tell her myself that, if she was struggling to cope at this stage, she should walk away. It's just common sense. She doesn't need this kind of stress, and he certainly doesn't need the additional responsibility of a girlfriend who can't cope with his illness.

 

There is virtually no chance that a happy relationship is going to develop in this scenario! That's just the reality - harsh though it may be.

[SolG]

Hi OP,

 

I normally make it a rule not to write about this online, but in light of your topic I will make an exception. I 'have' bipolar I. (I NEVER use the phrase I 'am' bipolar; it does not define me. My psychologist and I had this conversation just last week on the importance of languaging.)

 

I have experienced episodes from psychotic mania, hyper mania, prolonged enuii, all the way to absolutely crippling melancholic depression. And as a previous poster stated, it has a strong genetic link; so I also have a very close and dear relative who also has bipolar who I have experienced going through all these things with as well.

 

It is not curable, but it is absolutely manageable - with help and discipline. I regularly see a psychiatrist, psychologist and a GP. Whilst I have taken meds in the past, I am now med free. My treatment regime consists of regular exercise (min five sessions a week, two of these strength training sessions with a trainer), clean paleo eating of five meals a day, and a myriad of other things that I have found over time to work. I closely monitor my state and am acutely aware of triggers and prodromes; I try to plan for the former and respond quickly to the latter.

 

I would suggest that I am somewhat older than your BF; and I'm really only just at the stage now that I would confidently say that I am under control... most of the time :-) Some, gusting many, never get this far.

 

Bipolar can be really, really hard on loved ones. I know this from both perspectives. You don't walk into the life of someone with bipolar unless you are absolutely up for that journey. Both in terms of being able to support, and being resilient enough to cope. And you will need to be brave enough to smack them down (metaphorically) when they need it, and ultimately to walk away if you cannot deal.

 

You need to understand the disorder, the way it manifests for your partner, how it is best treated, and the part you will play in that treatment... because if you want to be in a relationship with them, you will need to play a part.

 

You will need to also understand the 'beauty' in bipolar, and how many sufferers love it as much as they hate it. It is highly concurrent with high intellect and artistic ability and mania can be euphoric and magical and incredibly productive... until it's not. Yep, I think most of us who have bipolar are at least a little addicted to our illness as well.

 

OP, you don't sound anywhere near ready to deal with this in a relationship. I'm sorry.

[almond]

I wish you all the best SolG, thank-you for sharing.

[HeavenOrHell]

Ditto, thank you for sharing

 

I wish you all the best SolG, thank-you for sharing.

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes, agreed, this is the point I've been trying to make in this thread in response to a general tone I was getting from some posts (not yours) that if someone has a mental illness then run away. But what you're saying illustrates my point, each illness and circumstance is different.

I agree in the OP's case she is not equipped to deal with bi-polar.

 

 

Of course I wouldn't want anyone to tell my partner to walk away because of my depression - but we have been in a relationship for four and a half years and we're both emotionally mature enough to be able to deal with any problems either of us might have - together.

 

BUT

 

This isn't about me or anyone else in a long term relationship. This is about a girl who has been speaking to a guy on the internet for a few weeks. A guy she has never even met - and she is already struggling to cope with his mental illness, because she isn't emotionally equipped to do so.

 

If I was the guy in this situation and I was going through a period of severe depression, I would tell her myself that, if she was struggling to cope at this stage, she should walk away. It's just common sense. She doesn't need this kind of stress, and he certainly doesn't need the additional responsibility of a girlfriend who can't cope with his illness.

 

There is virtually no chance that a happy relationship is going to develop in this scenario! That's just the reality - harsh though it may be.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you for sharing, and just wanted to wish you all the best and I hope things become easier in time.

 

 

As horrible as it is, people diagnosed with bipolar have an incredibly difficult time in relationships. This is unfortunately just the way it is. Bipolar is very serious, and relapses can be dangerous. Managing this illness is extremely hard, and it takes a very intelligent, patient, secure and understanding partner for the relationship to even have a hope of working out. It is a journey for the partner as well, and they must grow, educate themselves and continually aid in the management of the illness - it's a lifelong battle for everyone involved, and things can get hairy fast. It consumes your life at times.

 

I absolutely agree that we have to be careful not to generalise or feed into the stigma surrounding mental illness, but the facts unfortunately remain.

 

Bipolar is hereditary...and having kids and managing a relationship is tough at the best of times. But with a bipolar spouse? It's tougher than tough while they're unwell. And the risk that your children will go on to develop bipolar as well? You need to be able to deal with that, and that risk is not insignificant either. If you want to walk that road, you must do so with your eyes wide open, and be educated and prepared - there is a lot to consider. The divorce rate for people diagnosed with bipolar was sitting at around 90% last time I checked

 

How do I know all of this? My partner of five and a half years was recently diagnosed with bipolar...he had shown no symptoms for the first few years at all - neither of us had any idea as to what was about to hit us. Are we working through it? Yes. Am I scared? Terrified.

 

I am somewhat qualified in the area of mental health, and I myself am very secure and healthy. But I will tell you now, dealing with his manic episode was one of the hardest, most painful and confusing things I have ever experienced in my life, and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. We separated. He then ended up hospitalised and a former shell of himself a few weeks later. It was ugly all round. Would I do it all over again if I had the choice? If I could turn back the clock and never have met him? Yes, I love him more than anything. But would I ever knowingly enter a relationship with a man diagnosed with bipolar? No, I would not. What I do know though is that my partner loves me more than anything, and apart from the episode of mania that he experienced, we have had a fantastic relationship - couldn't have asked for more, truly. He became a different person when he was manic though, and definitely not in a good way. It was very traumatic, and even though I knew exactly what was going on, it was still very damaging for the both of us. The thought of him experiencing another episode makes me feel ill...and sometimes, they cannot be prevented.

 

He has committed himself to treatment and has been following through amazingly - I would have walked if he hadn't. He is taking responsibility for his health, and treating it very seriously. I am very proud of him. We have postponed all of out plans for the future until this can be sorted properly...a real spanner in the works.

 

With that being said, his bipolar diagnosis is not set in stone - his symptoms were that of a manic episode, but it has now become clear that the bipolar diagnosis was likely inaccurate. We are consulting with a specialist currently who has confirmed this. Bipolar is very expensive too...doctors, specialists, psychs, meds. Third opinion will be coming soon, and he is currently having brain scans to determine whether something else is the culprit.

 

It has been a hard road for both of us, but we're soldiering on. My heart goes out to everyone experiencing something similar.