needing Time for Myself in my Relationship

[Shindig]

Relevant thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/449256-needing-time-myself-my-relationship

 

Starting my master's thesis hasn't helped our situation. I now desperately need time to myself and my SO is even more reluctant to give it to me and when I do get a moment to myself I feel guilted and resentful that I had to work so hard to get it. I'm actually considering ending things. I understand that while I'm under this kind of stress (I'm getting a masters because I haven't met one of the conditions for my PhD) isn't a good time to make important decisions.

 

I feel like he's got an excuse for everything. I offer a gym membership, he doesn't want me to spend anymore money on him. I encourage him to join a band, he says he can't contribute financially. I tell him I'm going to rent an office space for myself, he accuses me of cheating.

 

There's also retaliatory behavior. I ask him to schedule time to be out of the house for a couple of hours, one or 2 nights a week so I can have time alone. He moves into our garage and tells me he'll return when I'm done with my thesis. I tell him, this need isn't going to go away when my thesis is done AND you moving into the garage isn't even remotely what I asked for. Next he starts randomly leaving the house for hours on end and "doesn't understand" why that upsets me and "isn't that what wanted?" even though I explain that I worry not knowing where he when he disappears without notice of when to expect him home and unscheduled time out of the house doesn't give me the freedom to plan something like watching a movie he's already seen or playing video games online with friends in other time zones. Then he sleeps on the couch without saying anything, no explanation, no warning, no discussion. Now I actually don't want to be around him which only makes him want to be around me more but he's grudging and surly and accuses me of being short with him when I ask what's wrong. He finally agreed to scheduling a time to be out of the house and hasn't honored it. I tell him I feel disrespected and unsupported.

 

I've told him this is important and not getting this need met is making me feel resentful. I think he's too busy feeling hurt an rejected to understand. I don't think I can do this anymore.

[Eivuwan]

I don't understand. Don't you have more than one room in the house? It does seem unreasonable to make your SO get out of the house just so you can have space. It's his house too.

[Shindig]

I understand what you're saying and I'd offered more than one solution where *I* left the house. I offered to rent an office space for myself and he accused me of cheating and admonished me for spending too much money. I got myself a gym membership (that I knew he couldn't afford) and he scraped together the cash for one at the same gym and came with me even though I asked him to let me have this ONE thing for myself that wasn't work (you have to have clearance to get into the building BUT it's my effing work, like I want to go there when I need time to myself. My boss doesn't hover nearly as much, but still...) Eventually he hurt his back and the only way I could get him NOT to go to the gym and heal was to stay home myself.

 

I'm feeling smothered. I have no privacy. I have no space that's mine. Our life revolves* around me, I don't feel like I have a partner. I feel like I'm his parent, his therapist, his only friend, his entertainment, etc.

 

*EDIT: present tense

Edited April 4, 2014 by Shindig

[Eivuwan]

Well, you can suggest couples counseling or individual counseling for him. If he refuses to change, then there is only one solution (leave him) since you understandably can't put up with his behavior.

[Shindig]

We've been to couples counseling (he was begrudging about it), but refuses individual therapy. He says I ignore his feelings because I'm so accustomed to getting validation in individual therapy and that it's a crutch. I could spend a lot less money to get validation from someone who didn't have a PhD and was trained in CBT.

 

If we're still together when I finish my thesis (I still have to write my PhD thesis, even though I won't get my doctorate. Bollocks.), I'll suggest we go again. I just don't have time right now. Half our arguments end with me saying "I don't have time to argue about this right now." and leaving the house to go to the library so I can write in peace (only 40 minutes at a time before one of my students bothers me) or going to bed. It's been going on for... a year now and this is enough pressure to bring everything to a head.

[MissBee]

Your SO is being really unreasonable in my opinion.

 

For me, any man I'm in a relationship with has to be able to understand and respect my need for me time, particularly when it comes on to my school work. What does your boyfriend do for work and hobbies? I ask, because as much as I love spending time with my boyfriend, he has a life and so do I and the nature of what we do, while different in many ways, is similar in terms of the time requirements and the necessary "me time" it involves. So we both understand where the other is coming from and he'll even ask me sometimes if I'm sure him wanting to spend time with me isn't interfering with my work...he's actually considerate about my time and is understanding of me needing time to get work done and doesn't get passive aggressive and huffy about it. It seems your guy is very insecure in that regard and takes things as a personal affront very easily or gets paranoid quickly....has their been cheating in the relationship before or other trust issues?

 

I think it's important for couples to have a balance between couple time and each person having their own time for themselves. I think it's perfectly healthy, but it seems like your boyfriend disagrees. Has he always been this way? What in his mind is acceptable space? I didn't read your previous thread, but my advice is that if you care you should try one last time to suggest couple's counseling to come to some compromise about space and if that doesn't work, cut your losses, as this is an annoying and potentially destructive problem that will only get worse.

[Woggle]

It sounds like this relationship is just about dead.

[Shindig]

After another month of the same - he'll leave the house and then come back in a frump. I feel punished for getting what I need. I brought it up with him and he was so patronizing "you're getting what you want. If that's not enough I'll do it with a smile." Who is this guy and what did he do to the fella i love?

 

He's been unemployed going on 2 years now. He moved in with me after he got laid off. I've never cheated on him, fidelity has not been an issue. I suspect he's feeling pretty helpless and hopeless at his job situation, but he's been picky about jobs (WTF?) and turned down several in recent memory that didn't suit him. I can't stay, this is just silly. I care about him a great deal, but I need a more supportive partner.

[mrs rubble]

You haven't mentioned any positives in your relationship. Are there any? Otherwise I think you know what to do!

Personally, I couldn't be with someone who didn't work or support themselves finacially and I have dumped partners for that reason alone.

[Shindig]

It's pretty hard to see the positives right now. I picked him because he's smart, funny, kind and we have a lot of common interests (literature, entertainment, e.g.) and common core values (religion, children, etc.). We still mesh well together when it comes to getting tasks done, but the passive aggressive behaviors I'm getting from him are making those unpleasant now. It's clear he's got something on his chest and usually I'd have the energy to coddle him until he coughs it up, but I don't right now.

[cozycottagelg]

I don't have much to offer on the matter, but I will say, it is so exhausting being someone's only form of entertainment.

 

My husband has a few hobbies now, but they are seasonal. If he didn't participate, he'd literally do nothing. He isn't one to call his friends to grab a beer or go to dinner, he will just stay home. And he also isn't one to take the kids places if I'm home (God what I wouldn't give to be home and have him say "I'm taking the kids to the park, be back!")..so it's like I am never alone. People need alone time.

[Zapbasket]

I lost a relationship years ago in part because of my master's thesis.

 

Looking back, I'd still have put the same focus into my thesis, but I do realize there was a way to do so while still making more time for my relationship. Without meaning to I walled my partner off. He felt it, he resented it, and ultimately he ended the relationship if not directly over the thesis, then over the resentment that had built sky-high because of it (we also were long distance, which did not help anything).

 

What if you shifted gears on your end? I know it's hard, because you're driven to finish your degree, but there still are ways to get your work done AND make time for your relationship. I don't think this is all on your bf to be more supportive of YOU. I'm sure he's needing support, too, for his inability to find employment, right? So what if you approach a conversation from that angle? That you both are so mired in your individual difficulties, you're losing sight of the great traits in each other that brought the two of you together. Maybe suggest a date night once a week, where together you plan something fun, just the two of you or with friends, and commit to doing it no matter what.

 

If you work better in an outside office, that's understandable. But I don't think it's fair of you to ask him to leave the house; it's his house, too. That said, I think it's good for each partner to spend some time out of the house so that each of you has a chance to have it to yourself.

 

I think what he's reacting to is that you are setting up your thesis as being at ODDS with your relationship. I do think it's YOU doing that, and then he's following suit and pushing back. No one likes to feel shut out in a relationship, even if the reasons why are "legitimate." I'm just not getting from the scenarios you describe that he doesn't fundamentally understand and support what you're trying to accomplish. It's just that perhaps unwittingly you are communicating that he plays second fiddle to your ambition, or that your relationship is an enemy to your work.

 

I will tell you to be careful how you handle this. You're seeing everything through tunnel vision; a protracted thesis does that to a person. But though it doesn't seem so now, a thesis is *just* a thesis. It really is. Make time for the people who love you. I have a feeling if you make your bf feel more supported, he'll feel more empowered to support YOU.

[WasOtherWoman]

All I can say is that it sounds like you two are not compatible. You will always want time for yourself (there is nothing wrong with that). When your thesis is completed, you will STILL want time.

 

He wants a more "together" relationship (for lack of a better word). Basic incompatibility. You are not married..... this will continue to be an issue.

[Shindig]

@Greencove, I agree. I think it's important to make some time for both of us to spend time together and we do that both in Friday nights when we have a regular date night and Saturday when we have a game night with friends.

 

Part of the strain for him is that he doesn't have anyone to talk to but me. He's usually got an excuse for why that's the case. When he's in a frump, I ask first if he's okay and then again if something is bothering him. He answers that all is well even though his behavior suggests otherwise. When I've had the energy to squeeze it out of him (which is like pulling teeth; I wouldn't do it if he wasn't acting like someone shat in his cornflakes) he thinks that part of supporting me is not venting to me even though I've assured him on more than one occasion that it isn't the case. I'm always available to listen BUT he actually *made up* two incidences where I shut him down from venting in our 5 year relationship. Even if I had, that's my right to say 'no' and it's just not true that I did. I have tuned out from time to time, but that's not the same as what he describes. I agree that he needs support, but he's not willing to vent to me and isn't willing to talk to someone else. It's possible he sees me as hostile and he's certainly hurting at the rejection. I am definitely drained emotionally; my capacity for empathy and sympathy are almost none. I'm not sure this can be helped.

 

The biggest differences in our routine (i.e. me asking him to 'pick up the slack' while I write) is that instead of me doing the majority of cooking, buying groceries, cleaning and caring for the animals (he has historically done the bulk of laundry, replaces A/C filter, refills our water dispenser and takes out the garbage) now he cleans up after the animals once a week (there is daily maintenance that just doesn't get done but every other day when I have energy) and cooks half the time. I hired someone to clean the house.

 

Also, if this was limited to the time from which I started writing, then it wouldn't bother me as much. It's been an issue since he moved in with me after getting laid off 2 years ago February. I'm considering giving couples therapy one last go, but the passive aggression to and from (he's great in session) and surrounding it ("I don't resent you for forcing me to go" was his wording) is exhausting. He was dismissive when I tried to introduce him to active listening and IFS "I don't need that," and condescending when I asked him to try individual therapy "it's a crutch" and "you get your validation in therapy."

[Els]

IMO, he's definitely being unreasonable in many of the cases you relate here. If he can't put up with you working in an office because he thinks you'll cheat on him - then yes, there's something seriously wrong with this R.

 

That being said, if your definition of 'alone time' is literally having the whole house to yourself, you may want to reconsider cohabitation in the future. There are couples who do live apart, so that may be more compatible with your needs. I'm an introvert who needs alone time as well, but I'm fine with getting my alone time in a separate room, as most people are.

[Shindig]

Part of him needing to be out of the house is that there are only 2 places where I can reasonably work on my thesis - the house and the laboratory where I work.

 

The other part of it is that finding alone time for myself outside of the house hasn't panned out in the past - I joined a gym that I knew he couldn't afford and he scraped together the cash to join as well even though I asked him to respect my time. We went together until he hurt his back and kept going even though the pain turned him into a monster. I had to stop going myself or he wouldn't stay home and heal.

 

He also wants to come with me when I get my hair cut (standing around for 2 hours while I get trimmed and blown dry is just awkward for me) or when I do errands like visiting the post office or farmers' market. The only reason he doesn't come with me when I get my legs waxed is my esthetician threatens to wax his back.

 

Admittedly a lot of this would be solved if he had somewhere to be some of the time (i.e. a JOB), but the more entrenched he gets in not having a job, the more difficult it becomes for him to pursue avenues other than emailing job recruiters and filling out applications online. He's turned down jobs that have longer commutes (more than one hour) and won't consider getting a job that he thinks is beneath his skill or isn't 'what he wants to do'.

 

Most days I get home and find him playing video games. Normally this is something we do together to blow off steam, but he's playing so much that it's affecting the fun element of having a small victory in getting an achievement or winning a session. He's also drinking a lot more than he used to (~a handle of vodka every ten days, the only thing I refuse to pay for when we split a bottle of wine at dinner every night) which isn't helping his mood.

[Eivuwan]

He seems incredibly dependent on you. Since he's rejecting outside help, then there isn't much you can do. You can't change people who don't want to change or who just blames you for everything.

[beach]

He needs to be working.

 

How does he have money to contribute to the household expenses?

 

Are you married or dating, I can't tell...?

[Shindig]

He doesn't contribute to household expenses. His parents pay for his healthcare. It's the only thing I'm not responsible for.

 

I resent him for it, no question about it.

 

Edit: we're not married.

[beach]

He doesn't contribute to household expenses. His parents pay for his healthcare. It's the only thing I'm not responsible for.

 

I resent him for it, no question about it.

 

Edit: we're not married.

 

So he can move out today, right?

 

He won't begin providing FOR himself unless all of you stop providing it for him.

 

I call men like him a mooch.

 

Life is easier to manage without the "cling on" type dragging you down.

[Sparty97]

"Next he starts randomly leaving the house for hours on end and "doesn't understand" why that upsets me and "isn't that what wanted?" "

 

Am I missing something? That does sound exactly like what you asked him for.

[Shindig]

Sparty97, I wish it had been. I'd asked for "regularly scheduled time", not random. Being able to plan Skype time with family, or ordering some takeout in advance would be really nice.

[beach]

Why are you willing to let him mooch off you?

 

Why allow anyone to control what makes you happy?