PurpleCardigan Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 (edited) I have no safe place to get this out at the moment, so I’m writing it here. After weeks of NC, by my choice which he's honored except for a parting text, as I was just done with the push-pull and friendship cr*p, I was pulling out of the parking lot last night as he was pulling in. It’s a tiny lot so he saw my car, had to stop as I was pulling out of a space and he turned into one and he looked at me and could not hold back this huge, genuine smile. I looked back stone-faced and then he did that thing where you know you should stop smiling but you can’t so he literally chewed under the edges of the smile and looked away. I pulled out and drove away. Neither of us broke NC, which is good. (It was random, I was leaving the work parking lot 40 min later than my quitting time and he arrived early for a monthly meeting. He had no reason to think I’d be working late and leaving at that moment and I was floored to see him early for the meeting.) I went home and cried. This morning, it’s a regular day off from work for me and I’m a mess fighting back panic attacks. Admittedly when I saw him I had just come from an intense therapy appointment so the emotional reaction could be one, the other or a combination. But here’s the hard part that I need to get out: There are so many OW/OMs on here that want to know that they mattered; I’m feeling the opposite. I *know* that I mattered to my xMM by the look on his face when he sees me and our last, painful round of texts/conversations. BUT I didn’t matter enough for him to get a divorce; I was only a good side piece until we both had strong feelings for each other. Due to my FOO issues, I feel this as “I was so close to getting what I wanted my whole life – to be loved for who I am – and his response was to willfully and deliberately walk away.” But, hey, I was good enough to be a "secret friend". That just hurts with the pain of a thousand pins. It sucks to know that I matter, but not enough. I’d rather that he hate me and ignore me on the rare occasions that our paths cross. I am as strong as I want to be, and I’ve faced so much worse in my life that I know that this, too, shall pass. I’m not breaking NC, getting back together, or anything of the like. I will continue to make progress in therapy to heal my old wounds, heal from this hurt, never be “second” in a relationship again and find someone who can give me true reciprocity. I’m not looking for sympathy here, I just needed to get this out. Thanks for reading. Edited April 4, 2014 by PurpleCardigan grammar 12 Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 Wow! All I can say is u handled it beautifully. Textbook perfection. I am sure I would have crumbled and rolled down my window with a dopey smile on my face if he had approached. I have no words of wisdom for you, PC. But I too am set back by these very small moments of accidental contact or the tiniest trigger. Despite living in the same fairly small leafy suburb, I have only seen him once. It was across a sports field so fortunately there was no real opportunity to speak. We made eye contact and that was bad enough. It was at the 2 month NC mark. left me shaky for 2 weeks. Now, at more than seven and a half months NC, I don't think it will hit me as hard next time. But I wiIl still feel sucker punched. I am going to the mirror now to practice my stone cold face anyway. Thank you for the visual, PC. Stay tough! (I am not editing for typos when I see them later!! I am over 40, typing on phone and still in denial about needing reading glasses.) 6 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 You said you aren't looking for sympathy, but I'd like to offer you a hug. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Nattie Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 You are so strong! I probably would have done some dramatic run out of my car followed by a kissing scene right out of the freaking notebook. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 You handled it beautifully. Kudos to you! I don't think men think about it in the same way women do ("I mattered to him, just not enough for him to leave for me"). I think these men are basically just weak - too weak to get out of their comfortable homes and family situations. You are better off - let his W have him! You can do better than that. Keep strong! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PurpleCardigan Posted April 5, 2014 Author Share Posted April 5, 2014 Thank you, everyone, who responded with support, hugs or a "like" to my post. It is quite heart-warming! My comment about not wanting sympathy is true as I try to avoid the "awww...poor PC" comments; however support and hugs are always appreciated! I am shocked that it threw me for such a loop. Seeing him made my heart get all gooey again, so I have to clamp down on that again. As for the stoneface, I thought that when I saw him at work that I would smile or cry, and never in a million years did I imagine the response that happened but I couldn't smile or cry if I had wanted to at that moment. After posting today, I practiced what I preach here, and got outside, left my phone behind, and exercised until I had nothing left in me. It helped. Again, many thanks! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Forever Learning Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 (edited) he looked at me and could not hold back this huge, genuine smile. I looked back stone-faced and then he did that thing where you know you should stop smiling but you can’t so he literally chewed under the edges of the smile and looked away. Big congrats to you on not breaking No Contact!! Something about his big Cheshire Cat smile really chaps my ass though. I just wonder what is going through his mind, or if he has even the smallest inkling of understanding the pain and suffering you are dealing with. The big goofy smile makes me think he doesn't have a clue about what you are dealing with on your end emotionally. Edited April 6, 2014 by Forever Learning 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Patna Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 Applause!! You're handling it so well! I was good enough to be a "secret friend". That just hurts with the pain of a thousand pins. It sucks to know that I matter, but not enough. You spoke out many of our exact sentiments in this simple statement. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 Hahaha I love that you didn't smile back. Good work! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PurpleCardigan Posted April 7, 2014 Author Share Posted April 7, 2014 Big congrats to you on not breaking No Contact!! Something about his big Cheshire Cat smile really chaps my ass though. I just wonder what is going through his mind, or if he has even the smallest inkling of understanding the pain and suffering you are dealing with. The big goofy smile makes me think he doesn't have a clue about what you are dealing with on your end emotionally. Thanks, Forever Learning! I hear you on the smile part -- my initial reaction was that he was happy to see me, but it doesn't matter. He made his choice (stay married) and I made mine (nope, friendship doesn't work for me any more even if that means cold turkey NC). I won't lie. Friday was very, very hard, pushing through the anxiety and panic. Trying to stop the tears and get myself back together. I used my therapist's suggestions for drawing on my strength and I focused clearly on what I'm trying to do (detach and be emotionally healthy) and how he made me feel, especially in the end. It doesn't matter to me if he realizes how much I hurt (am hurting) over this. I no longer need validation that I mattered to him or that he really loved me. I no longer need to know if he is hurting, too, or if he thinks about me. In my head I go back to the fact that he made his choices and I'm making mine. I can only control me. This feels amazing! And I hope it lasts. He's said that he's sorry many times but his actions rarely matched his words (about so many things). I do believe that, for him I was the easiest to hurt rather than his wife and child that he sees daily, mortgage, years of history, etc. Collateral damage, if you will. For me this type of thinking helps with detachment. I remain hopeful that when I see him again, and I will, as we are co-workers assigned to different locations, that I am as strong as I feel now, keep my emotions together and not have a repeat of the emotional aftermath. I appreciate your support! (Sorry, this is a really long response and likely more than you wanted to know, but it helped to write this out. Writing always helps me clarify and solidify things in my head, hence my original post!) 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Waverly Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 It doesn't matter to me if he realizes how much I hurt (am hurting) over this. I no longer need validation that I mattered to him or that he really loved me. I no longer need to know if he is hurting, too, or if he thinks about me. In my head I go back to the fact that he made his choices and I'm making mine. I can only control me. This feels amazing! And I hope it lasts. I think I've just gone through and liked 90% of the posts on this thread. But this part really stuck out to me. I struggled for months, literally months, after my A ended to make sure that it meant something, to make sure that he really loved me. And I think he did. But you know what? We're still not going to be together, so what difference does it make? And just like you said, I can't control whether he wants to reach out to me or not. I can't control him. I struggled for way too long to hold onto something that was impossible. It's been killing me, but I need to realize that I can only control my own life, and not let it be dictated by someone's else's choices. Thanks for sharing. I hope it lasts for you too! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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