Ladyjane14 Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Originally posted by CoalMiner I have arranged to go to counselling, I asked if she wanted to come but she said they probably would not allow that if the problem is with me, thats my fault because to get this dialogue initiated I told her I thought I needed councelling to deal with my insecurities, I know that couselling will help but untill I can get the strenght to really have it out with her then I think no ammount of councelling will help becaue the simple fact is I don't believe her explanations even though I try hard to. Slow down. Rome wasn't built in a day. This was what?....4 years ago? It doesn't have to be solved right this minute. You have time to be methodical. Rushing ahead will just create more problems. Start with the first counseling session. The counselor will help you determine what her level of participation ought to be in the ensuing sessions. Each step will progress to the next, and the path will become clear to you. All you gotta do is take the first one. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Go with counseling, but in my experience you need to call her bluff. Not exactly accuse her, but tell her that you are getting the run-around from her and you want and deserve the truth. Stand up for yourself, women like confidence and courage and you are not showing any of this. She knows if she gets 'all up in arms' about this, that you will drop it. This is what she wants, she doesn't want to face what she has done. Most people who get this defensive and angry about something is because they are hiding something. It's a tactic used to not deal with the issue at hand. Trust me, I had a similiar situation. If your wife is going to leave it's not because of your accusation. She's going to leave no matter what in the end, if she doesn't want to be with you. But you need to regain some of your pride and dignity back. If she knows she can get away with this, she'll continue to disrespect you. It sounds like you are co-dependent on her. You'll be surprised on how she might react once you really corner her. My bet would be that she'll back and eventually tell the truth. I would think the guilt of lying so much especially once you show your force would be enough for her to admit defeat. Link to post Share on other sites
crisp Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Jmarge, this is a man who let his wife go hom from their vacation TOGETHER, caught her with a lie and took the "I want time for myself" crap. I'm sorry, I don't think he's up to do it. I don't think he can confront her, because he is indeed co-dependent on her. I think that paying a guy to do the dirty job is a sure way out of this situation. Nothing speaks louder than a picture. Hard rock evidence. I think counselling is your way of postponing. What do you think the councellor will ever tell you that would make you feel better? Or solve this situation? Something that you don't know? My 2 cents. People rarely have te courage to do what they should do. Even when it comes to them. And that is your biggest problem. You can talk about it 'till tomorrow, my friend. It won't make you feel better and it won't change the reality. Only you can do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CoalMiner Posted February 10, 2005 Author Share Posted February 10, 2005 Yeah, I hope so, there is no other way I know, I just need to grow some balls and have it out with her. I have tried the 'gathering evidence' etc but she keeps a tight eye on what I 'am doing, she rings me in work etc, it would be very difficult for me to follow her for a few days, simiarly she keeps a tight check on our finances etc, all joint account, cards so a PI would be difficult as well, so it seems to me that the only option is to have it out with her, believe me I have tried to do this but it is a physical reaction that stops me in my tracks, almost like a panic attack, anyway thanks for your thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 When you do this you must be VERY ADMITMENT about what the lies you are hearing from her. You must be more forceful and stubborn than her. Even if she walks out, let her. If she yells, says nasty things or threatens let it in one ear and out the other. Don't let her change the subject while you are confronting her and don't let her twist it around onto you. Good chance she'll say stuff like 'You are such a jerk for thinking I would lie to you'. 'How could I be with someone that doesn't trust me', etc.. All of these are defense mechanisms. She knows what works. It's time to surprise her and to put an end to all of this. Goto counseling, since if she truly loves you, she will go with you. This is NOT your insecurity playing here. It's her head games. Any one else here would have the same reaction as you, in terms of doubting her truthfulness. Ask to see her neck tonight, make sure you look at it every night. You can also say to her you are going to contact a doctor about this, to see if maybe there is something to treat it. That'll get her really going, in that she'll know she's cornered. Be VERY VERY stubborn about this. If you back down once you get going, then it'll all crumble and everything will be placed on you. You'll be the bad guy and she'll have more time and more excuses to keep treating you this way. You won't lose her by this. It's what she HAS done that has put this relationship in jeopardy. Keep this in mind when you confront her. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Originally posted by CoalMiner Yeah, I hope so, there is no other way I know, I just need to grow some balls and have it out with her. I have tried the 'gathering evidence' etc but she keeps a tight eye on what I 'am doing, she rings me in work etc, it would be very difficult for me to follow her for a few days, simiarly she keeps a tight check on our finances etc, all joint account, cards so a PI would be difficult as well, so it seems to me that the only option is to have it out with her, believe me I have tried to do this but it is a physical reaction that stops me in my tracks, almost like a panic attack, anyway thanks for your thoughts. Coalminer: Forgive me. I may be WAY off base here . . . For the past few posts you have said that you have to "have it out with here" and "confront her." Those are pretty "driven" sounding words. They sound like you are really determined to get something accomplished. BUT, you have waited FOUR years. AND you have had words with her before. You also mentioned that she is capable of talking circles around you. SO, what do you think will happen if you DO confront her? She is going to talk circles around you . . . again . . . and lie to you . . . again. And you will be at square one. At that point, she will know (meaning "forewarned") that you are watching her. Why are you not so driven and determined to get REAL, solid proof? Could it be that if you have a conversation, you will once again accept her explanation and let another four years go by? Could it be that you are afraid of the real, solid proof? By getting the proof first, she will be caught off-guard (by not discussing it), making it easier to GET the proof, since she won't be covering her tracks. Link to post Share on other sites
crisp Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 Amen, sister! People can't just change, even if they want to! So at times they have to push themselves, even act inspite themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CoalMiner Posted February 11, 2005 Author Share Posted February 11, 2005 Hey, thanks for that, Since she said she would show me she hasn't, but I'all be asking, she did ask me the other night about why I thought that something had happened with my best friend, I explained a few things, thats when she said about it being 'pigmentation', so she is still trying to lie about this even in the face of the obvious but she has been very quiet since then, I just hope I havn't given her an opputunity to come with some really inventive excuses for some of the things I raised. I will not let this drop now though, one way or the other, this is going to be resolved, many thanks for your help and guidance to all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CoalMiner Posted February 11, 2005 Author Share Posted February 11, 2005 To LilHoney, Yeah I know what you mean, the problem is that I wasn't quick witted enough initially and so my feelings were obvious and so she has been forewarned for these years as well, I did try but the demands of a busy job, in conjunction with her watching my every move meant I felt very restricted in what I could achieve in that respect, remember this is, sorry was, my best friend we are talking about, and because I am a private person with, respect to relationships, this is something I would only discuss with a best friend so I have had no-one else to talk to about this. I made a comment earlier about wishing I had found a place like this years ago and you have no idea how much I mean that, it is very hard to riase the courage to go down this road when you think its you with a problem, this had become someting that I had learned to live with but recently, when she went to work dolled up, something changed inside me and I decided this is not what I want my life to be like, that is when I decided to do something about it once and for all but this is a big thing so that is why I sought some guidance from people who perhaps had similar experiences....I am not alone....and that is a big thanks to everyone here. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 Coal Miner: Yes, it IS a big deal. I apologize if my post sounded like I was trivializing your situation. I asked you some "tough" questions to get you to think about what to do next. IMHO, you have suffered through this enough and by talking to her yet again, you are setting yourself up for another round of doubt about her truthfulness. I think . . . hmmm . . . was it Owl? . . . gave some wonderful steps to take to get some answers for yourself. When you get the answers, you can stop stressing and start living (no matter what your decision). I just think you need the answers to settle your mind. LH Link to post Share on other sites
Author CoalMiner Posted February 14, 2005 Author Share Posted February 14, 2005 Hey, no problem, I understood what you were saying, yes the answers are exacetly what I need to move forward, at the moment and for the last four years I have been in limbo, but its difficult at the moment to 'sort this out' due to other family problems, anyway thanks for the support. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts