BF wife coming into town.....

[LaceyFace]

So current bf and his wife have been separated for awhile. She is coming in to town to talk. It's hard dealing with the emotions and remain thinking positive. He told me there is nothing to worry about...and I trust him....yet some part of me is still very uneasy. One being they are not divorced and she really believes things will work out.....( he tells me there is never another chance between them)...idk...I love him but not this situation. Sigh....

[wanting more]

So current bf and his wife have been separated for awhile. She is coming in to town to talk. It's hard dealing with the emotions and remain thinking positive. He told me there is nothing to worry about...and I trust him....yet some part of me is still very uneasy. One being they are not divorced and she really believes things will work out.....( he tells me there is never another chance between them)...idk...I love him but not this situation. Sigh....

 

Do they have children together?

 

What is she coming to town to "talk" about? Why would she believe things will work out? Does she know about you?

[whichwayisup]

So current bf and his wife have been separated for awhile. She is coming in to town to talk. It's hard dealing with the emotions and remain thinking positive. He told me there is nothing to worry about...and I trust him....yet some part of me is still very uneasy. One being they are not divorced and she really believes things will work out.....( he tells me there is never another chance between them)...idk...I love him but not this situation. Sigh....

 

If she believes things are going to work out between them, then there is always a chance he's led her to believe that.

 

Time will tell won't it.

 

Try not to worry (easier said than done) because this is out of your hands, there's nothing you can do about it. Well, there is but it'll cause a lot of drama and a D-day...

[LaceyFace]

She knew about me at one point. She is having major health issues and even though they are separated....due to her condition he doesn't want to pile a divorce on top of things. I wish he was alittle bit more open with me about what they talk about to ease my mind alittle. I know it's none of my business....I do t want to know it all. But if he truely cares say something to me. Instead I'm getting ignored a good bit. So it's only for the weekend but it's hard. I'm keeping composed, but I don't know if I'll be able to recover from it if he isn't open with me instead of so hush hush. It's so hard

[whichwayisup]

Knew about you in what context?

 

You're in a tough spot. Instead of letting this eat you up, call up some girl friends and go out. He is doing what he has to do, and is busy, so don't sit at home alone and upset. It's out of your hands, so take advantage of this time, go have a nice night out and laugh/be silly with your girl friends.

[LaceyFace]

Knew that we were friends and were hanging out all of the time. She didn't like it and suspected things. But he would resolve them to keep problems at bay. He never stopped. He kicked her out to be with me. Pushed her away to be with me. He wanted her to see her faults that made their relationship fail and me not be the focus.

I'm doing well not dwelling on it. Still have my moments though. The hardest part is being ignored. I know he is doing what he has to do and I'm really trying hard to trust what he said (there is nothing to worry about) I guess it's the the unknown factor and the things that will never be said. In the end, I know it's me with him. It's just hard when they are still technically married.

[whichwayisup]

Look at he's ignored you. And, notice how he's treated his wife - the woman he obviously loved enough years ago to marry, say vow to her in front of their families and friends. He's been a real sh.t to her, hurt her too so please keep that in mind in how he is treating you and knowing what he is capable of.

 

Until he is officially divorced, don't rely and put all your eggs in his basket. He is far from divorced and I hope for your sake he isn't doing a 180 behind your back and leading his wife on, giving her hope like he is giving you hope.

[beach]

He clears his schedule and sends you away because she's in town - and they are supposed to be getting divorced?

 

You stay away from him just because she shows up?

 

No way! Go on over to his house - knock on his door! Give him a big kiss and introduce yourself to her.

 

Ask her when the divorce will be finalized!!! You deserve to know.

 

If it won't be final soon - tell him goodbye!

[Hope Shimmers]

I was in this situation and was strung along with promises of divorce for years. Be careful.

 

I no longer date a man unless he has been divorced (with papers) for at least 2 years.

[beach]

If he has her spending the visit time staying at his house again - you can bet they will have sex again.

 

IF he is divorcing her - there's nothing to talk about.

 

IF he intended to divorce her - he would get it done!

 

Meeting with a spouse when the D isn't final is usually to see if you can work things out.

 

Have divorce papers been filed? Who filed them? When will the D be final?

 

 

IF you don't know exactly when it will be finalized - you can bet money he's not intending to divorce her.

 

It sucks for you and I'm sorry he's taken you on his roller coaster ride.

 

Maybe it's time to make a decision to end the ride?

 

The fact that he's allowed her to stay the weekend at his place before makes me think she's staying with him again.

 

I feel badly that you stay with him when he participates this way. He seems like a real jerk.

 

Time to find a healthy boundary for yourself.

Edited April 6, 2014 by beach

[beach]

Knew that we were friends and were hanging out all of the time. She didn't like it and suspected things. But he would resolve them to keep problems at bay. He never stopped. He kicked her out to be with me. Pushed her away to be with me. He wanted her to see her faults that made their relationship fail and me not be the focus.

I'm doing well not dwelling on it. Still have my moments though. The hardest part is being ignored. I know he is doing what he has to do and I'm really trying hard to trust what he said (there is nothing to worry about) I guess it's the the unknown factor and the things that will never be said. In the end, I know it's me with him. It's just hard when they are still technically married.

 

I wonder how he'd feel if you invited an old boyfriend over to stay the weekend? Especially if you asked him to get lost while a guy was sleeping in your home.

 

I bet he wouldn't dig it!

 

You're being way too trusting and understanding.

 

Go on over there and see exactly where they are sleeping!

[road]

So current bf and his wife have been separated for awhile. She is coming in to town to talk. It's hard dealing with the emotions and remain thinking positive. He told me there is nothing to worry about...and I trust him....yet some part of me is still very uneasy. One being they are not divorced and she really believes things will work out.....( he tells me there is never another chance between them)...idk...I love him but not this situation. Sigh....

 

 

 

Another reason why one should not date married people.

[jellybean89]

Knew that we were friends and were hanging out all of the time. She didn't like it and suspected things. But he would resolve them to keep problems at bay. He never stopped. He kicked her out to be with me. Pushed her away to be with me. He wanted her to see her faults that made their relationship fail and me not be the focus.

I'm doing well not dwelling on it. Still have my moments though. The hardest part is being ignored. I know he is doing what he has to do and I'm really trying hard to trust what he said (there is nothing to worry about) I guess it's the the unknown factor and the things that will never be said. In the end, I know it's me with him. It's just hard when they are still technically married.

 

Your post is contradictory in many ways.

 

Wife doesn't know he is sleeping with you.

 

He's not told her squat about you except you are a buddy - and possibly that you have a crush on him and want to date him --deflecting so the wife doesn't know.

 

He has no intention of divorcing - cause of her health?

 

So he allegedly pushes her away, tells her he wants to be with his buddy Lacey, and yet he is not going to divorce her...and she is with him this weekend and you are alone with minimal communication?

 

This guy is not ending his marriage nor his affair. He is playing both of you.

[LaceyFace]

Well he didn't completely ignore me....he called and talked...we text a bit. The wife/soon to be ex wife knows me but doesn't know our situation. Suspected but said he wants her to know her faults for the split and not blame it on me or him. So of course I couldn't keep my mouth shut and lost it...asking questions if he kissed her etc. it set him off.....I ended up blowing up on him about reassuring me and not ignoring me during this situation. How it makes me feel and what if the tables were turned. I told him I loved him and I'm in for the long haul. That I'm worried, scared, I love and I hurt. That I've dealt with enough hurt in the past with a failed marriage ( he was there for it all) and don't deserve anymore. I left it at that for a day. Guess it made him think. He came around and has been wonderful. I'm not putting up with anymore hurt. I'll say what I feel and that's that!

[goodyblue]

If he has her spending the visit time staying at his house again - you can bet they will have sex again.

 

IF he is divorcing her - there's nothing to talk about.

 

IF he intended to divorce her - he would get it done!

 

Meeting with a spouse when the D isn't final is usually to see if you can work things out.

 

Have divorce papers been filed? Who filed them? When will the D be final?

 

 

IF you don't know exactly when it will be finalized - you can bet money he's not intending to divorce her.

 

It sucks for you and I'm sorry he's taken you on his roller coaster ride.

 

Maybe it's time to make a decision to end the ride?

 

The fact that he's allowed her to stay the weekend at his place before makes me think she's staying with him again.

 

I feel badly that you stay with him when he participates this way. He seems like a real jerk.

 

Time to find a healthy boundary for yourself.

 

My guy met with his ex several times during the divorce. They had issues to discuss. The house, taxes, payments for credit cards, on and on. So, not necessarily true.

[whichwayisup]

Suspected but said he wants her to know her faults for the split and not blame it on me or him.

 

wow, what a "man" you've got there. He isn't a 'man', far from it. So he plans on putting the demise of their marriage and divorce ALL ONE HER, like it's all her fault?!

 

Remember how he's treating her, disrespectful and not owning his part in this.

And yes he has ignored you, you pointed it out in your own posts earlier.

So of course I couldn't keep my mouth shut and lost it...asking questions if he kissed her etc. it set him off.....I ended up blowing up on him about reassuring me and not ignoring me during this situation. How it makes me feel and what if the tables were turned. I told him I loved him and I'm in for the long haul. That I'm worried, scared, I love and I hurt. That I've dealt with enough hurt in the past with a failed marriage ( he was there for it all) and don't deserve anymore. I left it at that for a day. Guess it made him think. He came around and has been wonderful. I'm not putting up with anymore hurt. I'll say what I feel and that's that!

 

Always speak your mind, if he can't handle it, then he isn't worth it. BE aware of the red flags. Take this really slow, and let his future actions (not just one day) prove to you he IS divorcing his wife and not playing you.

Edited April 9, 2014 by whichwayisup

[waterwoman]

Suspected but said he wants her to know her faults for the split and not blame it on me or him.

 

What a s**t! I mean, really? Doesn't that bother you?

[FoolishOW]

I read your previous threads, Lacey, and it seems you're in a tough spot. I know you've mentioned how much you love this man, but it's hard not to wonder if you really have all the correct facts of your relationship with him.

 

 

I won't go point for point on the things you've stated throughout earlier threads, but it seems your MM clouds the truth more often than not. No wonder you're often confused and uneasy. Is it possible she left him, as opposed to him "kicking her out", and that perhaps her "visits" are at his request? Looking at it from that perspective makes other unusual circumstances fall into place more easily.

 

 

It sounds as though he treats you poorly on too many occasions, and then does the minimum to reassure you and pull you back in. I'm not sure this relationship is all that healthy or beneficial to you based on his blame shifting, silent treatments, sneaky behavior, and level of irritation he expresses when you attempt to understand the truth. I'm not sure you'd be happy with what you found if you were to fully understand the truth.

 

 

Read back over your thread starter posts since October and try to view them objectively. There are many ways that this relationship has impacted you negatively over time and you may want to reevaluate your involvement in a "big picture sort of way", as opposed to having to justify each new development as it comes at you. The message you came across that stated something like "the GF has to go" (paraphrasing) can't really BE justified, yet you're still hanging in. If you were able to set aside how "in love you are", enough to be objective, you may find that you're selling yourself short overall.

[beach]

What has happened since she's been in town?

[LaceyFace]

What has happened since she's been in town?

 

She was only in town for 2 days...not even...I worked both days and I know my brother was around. I didn't ask details, as he doesn't ask details about my ex and I. I did call him out on if he kissed her etc....he was mad I mentioned it...as if how dare I even ask such a thing. He told me before she came that there was NOTHING to worry about. That they needed to talk some things through. After he was mad, I did lose my cool and flipped out. He said I was acting ridiculous. But the next day (I guess he thought things through) he was reassuring and better than he has been. I had to remind him....would you want to be with me if the tables were turned and I was still married to my ex....no!!! Of course he wouldn't! Would he be uneasy if I met up for a day with my ex....omg yes! So I had to remind him of these things.

He is a tough one. Very stubborn....very smart...but when it comes to feelings...it's like no common sense. There should just be trust...that's it.

 

I'm sticking this out. I honestly don't want to get out there and date. I do love him A lot...I'm in no rush more marriage or Anything. Guess we will see.

 

But as for now. Him and I are ok.

[Nothisgirl]

I read your previous threads, Lacey, and it seems you're in a tough spot. I know you've mentioned how much you love this man, but it's hard not to wonder if you really have all the correct facts of your relationship with him.

 

 

I won't go point for point on the things you've stated throughout earlier threads, but it seems your MM clouds the truth more often than not. No wonder you're often confused and uneasy. Is it possible she left him, as opposed to him "kicking her out", and that perhaps her "visits" are at his request? Looking at it from that perspective makes other unusual circumstances fall into place more easily.

 

 

It sounds as though he treats you poorly on too many occasions, and then does the minimum to reassure you and pull you back in. I'm not sure this relationship is all that healthy or beneficial to you based on his blame shifting, silent treatments, sneaky behavior, and level of irritation he expresses when you attempt to understand the truth. I'm not sure you'd be happy with what you found if you were to fully understand the truth.

 

 

Read back over your thread starter posts since October and try to view them objectively. There are many ways that this relationship has impacted you negatively over time and you may want to reevaluate your involvement in a "big picture sort of way", as opposed to having to justify each new development as it comes at you. The message you came across that stated something like "the GF has to go" (paraphrasing) can't really BE justified, yet you're still hanging in. If you were able to set aside how "in love you are", enough to be objective, you may find that you're selling yourself short overall.

 

 

Yes, this ^^

 

This is a recipe for disaster. You deserve a lot more than to be treated like this

His actions remind me of a guy I dated ....google narcissistic personality disorder and gas lighting in a relationship...I'm obviously not in a position to diagnose but I think you should know what you *may* be up against down the road

 

Take care of yourself and please PLEASE know that your reaction to his actions are totally justified and "normal"

[veritas lux mea]

You've made your descision and so nothing any of us can say will help you. But remember, all the love in the world won't change someone. He treats you bad now that and this will be the rest of your life. Promises mean nothing. Sorries mean nothing. Unless backed with true change.

[preraph]

She's going to be coming around, probably even after they're divorced. Certainly during a separation, they are still talking and assessing whether they're happy apart or not. You can't control what happens. There's some signs to look out for to know if he's "really" divorcing or not. If he's still keeping you a secret from everyone except his best clubbing buddy, he's still married and not committed to divorce yet. At some point, if they're serious, they let the wife know they're dating someone and stop hiding you. I went through some divorces with men, and it's no fun, but I certainly get it can happen at no fault to the other woman. I happened to date a couple during separations leading to divorces. You must be prepared to just be helpless for some lengths of time intermittently.

 

During the separation, you have to be willing to get out of the way completely while they decide if they're staying or divorcing. It's not easy for them. Usually one or both are still attached to some extent. Yes, they probably will sleep together because that is what men say they have the hardest time fathoming: never sleeping with their wife again.

 

Then once they decide to divorce, there's dividing the property. I found this phase particularly irritating because they're going through all the stuff that represents their lives and getting sentimental. It was during this phase that I broke it off with the second one I dated. Inevitably, one or the other can still pull the heartstrings and even manipulate them when they want to. In my case, she is who cheated, they split, then during the dividing crap, she would get him over there every weekend and keep him occupied and the straw that broke the camel's back was when it was too many weekends and he told me she would get upset trying to divide things and cry and then he'd take her out to eat so she felt better. B-bye. Yes, they did divorce and stayed divorced, but this type stuff isn't for the feint of heart. And they expect you, the other woman, to totally defer to all this because that was, after all, their WIFE, i.e., more important than you.

 

The other one also did divorce for good, and I worked with him after we broke up, but his wife always came to his parties and would occasionally visit him at work and they would keep up with each other. Fortunately, she was fair about me, so it was as civil as it could have been under the circumstances. But I think that was because she's found someone else as well.

 

It's very stressful waiting to see if you're in or out. Men always seem to want a woman there going through the divorce with them, and it's unfair. I remember two weeks of just stress and depression when I didn't hear from him. Then one day he called me at work and told me they were going ahead with the divorce. I should have been very happy and supportive, but the truth is, I snapped from all the tension leading up to it and went and "acted out," as they say in polite psychiatry parlance. I was a pressure cooker that had to explode, you know. I felt much better afterward and the acting out was a lot of fun, but of course, the ripples from it are still visible today.

[beach]

She was only in town for 2 days...not even...I worked both days and I know my brother was around. I didn't ask details, as he doesn't ask details about my ex and I. I did call him out on if he kissed her etc....he was mad I mentioned it...as if how dare I even ask such a thing. He told me before she came that there was NOTHING to worry about. That they needed to talk some things through. After he was mad, I did lose my cool and flipped out. He said I was acting ridiculous. But the next day (I guess he thought things through) he was reassuring and better than he has been. I had to remind him....would you want to be with me if the tables were turned and I was still married to my ex....no!!! Of course he wouldn't! Would he be uneasy if I met up for a day with my ex....omg yes! So I had to remind him of these things.

He is a tough one. Very stubborn....very smart...but when it comes to feelings...it's like no common sense. There should just be trust...that's it.

 

I'm sticking this out. I honestly don't want to get out there and date. I do love him A lot...I'm in no rush more marriage or Anything. Guess we will see.

 

But as for now. Him and I are ok.

 

So she stayed at his place and he's mad you asked?

 

Mad? Sheez! It IS a yes or no question you asked! He didn't answer it.

 

Avoiding the yes or no answer indicates he was with her.

 

Anyone staying overnight means sex happened.

 

He's playing you for his foolish other woman.

 

Especially since she doesn't fully understand he's supposed to be involved with you.

 

Keeping you separated while she visits? Ummm, he's still involved with her too - but won't be honest with either one of you.